Personal Statement: Is my story worth it?

[May_Flower]

Hello all, 

 

I am applying for the PhD in History and what is hard for me is to pinpoint WHY I chose history and if that story is interesting enough. I want my personal statement to stand out: Studying history, contributing to historical scholarship, and teaching my passion to others is something I genuinely would love to do for the rest of my life! So here's my story as briefly as I can tell it...

 

Throughout my education I have been an A student. In grammar school, the subject that stood out to me the most was Social Studies. I loved hearing true stories about the past especially of the country I was in. In high school, I began to learn more and more about history. At the same time,I come from a culture and an upbringing where I was expected to go to med school and if I did anything but become a medical doctor, I was considered a failure. And so, I pursued the path of medicine with a regret in my mind and heart of what could have happened if I pursued my true love of history. If I would ever mention how a historical place or a museum amused me, I would get that weird look from relatives. On holidays such as July 4th, I would get weird looks when i would tell the family why that day is bigger than just a day to have some BBQ (same for Thanksgiving). History and I were like Romeo and Juliet : the family and society would just not allow us to be together. They wanted Juliet to be with Paris (medical school). 

 

During college, I learned that as long as I took a certain set of science classes, I could major in anything I wanted. As a last chance to learn more about my passion, I majored in history and minored in Chemistry and Biology. It just made it worse for me because I wanted history more than ever before. Long story short - where there is a will there is a way. There was never a will for me to go to med school and so I never was determined enough to work hard to get accepted into the school my family thought was best for me. (And by family I mean parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, and uncles - we are a close knit family). I put my foot down after graduation and said I was meant to study history and that I could achieve the same amount of success they desired for me, but just through a less traditional route than what they had in mind. 

 

So thats my story....I dont know how well admissions committees are going to take this story into consideration of whether they should take me aboard but that was the complete truth. Can some of you please give me your opinion on this? Is my story something adcomms would like to hear? Does this story show them what they look for in a student? 

[Loric]

The comparison to Romeo and Juliet is a bit absurd.. and it's not presented in a way that suggests it's meant to be seen as comedic hyperbole. You know they kill themselves, right? So if you don't get to be with "History" you're going to kill yourself..? It's not a parallel you want to be drawing in this situation.

 

Also, the first few sentences of extraneous and unneeded. It's not interesting until you mention you went to medical school - just delete everything before that. "At the same time" is just filler too, lose it.

 

I'm not sure why you make a point of defining holidays - if you ment BBQ people will infer the 4th and if you mention turkey people will infer Thanksgiving. Spelling it out and clarifying meaks the read feel that you think they're a bit dense... people know what the standard american holidays are. This is an SOP for a committee in academia - they aren't schmucks on the street. Do not talk down to them.

 

Reworked:

 

I come from a culture where I was expected to go to medical school and if I did anything but become a doctor I would be considered a failure. I pursued the path of medicine with a regret in my mind and heart of what could have happened if I pursued my love of history. If I ever mentioned how a historical place or a museum amused me I would get that weird look from relatives. During the holidays I would get weird looks when i would tell the family why that day is bigger than just a day to have some turkey. My upbringing would just not allow me to pursue my interest seriously.

 

Being ever resourceful, I learned during college that as long as I took a certain set of science classes I could theorhetically major in anything I wanted. To learn more about my passion I majored in History and minored in Chemistry and Biology. When the time came, there was no will for me to go to the medical school my family had decided was best for me. I put my foot down after graduation and said I was meant to study history and that I could achieve the same amount of success they desired for me, but just through a less traditional route than what they had in mind.

 

--

 

Took out the unneeded bits and clarified. I'm not saying this is the best or correct version, but it's a clearer and more concise version that doesn't overstate thing, talk down to the audience, or use unneeded phrases or statements to make the point. You'll enjoy having those extra words later when you're touting your academic interests, skills, etc..

Edited December 8, 2013 by Loric

[May_Flower]

Thanks so much for the input! Its much more concise than the way that I worded. But the way I worded it was just to give readers on GradCafe a better understanding of where I was coming from. The way I wrote it is NOT what I will submit in the personal statement.   The example of July 4th is just merely an example of what I go through when I try to give the historical significance of a holiday and those around me would rather take it as a day to BBQ instead of a historically significant day. The analogy to Romeo and Juliet - again not something I'm going to use in the personal statement. Just an analogy to give readers an idea of what it felt like. I should have mentioned this before. 

 

In the actual personal statement I will have to eliminate and summarize into a much more dense paragraph. My main concern is that: will admission committees appreciate this challenge and consider me a strong, unique candidate based on the challenge I had to overcome? Will this story of mine make my personal statement stronger or weaker? 

[sarah_123]

What about going more in depth with that and elaborating why your culture/family expected you to do that, and the types of challenges you had to overcome to study history rather than something else (e.g., how did you justify it to yourself that it was worth breaking away from your family's expectations -- I would assume that it was not just "love" without any justification or was it?)? I think if you do this, it can be a good statement.

[Queen of Kale]

This is just IMHO but I would limit this 'story' to 2-3 sentences max.  You have a very small amount of space to sell yourself as a scholar, as a researcher, and as someone who is qualified to not only be accepted to a program but to graduate and excel in your field.  The expectations of your family, and what every choices you made before committing to your current path, has little to do with your achievements or abilities.  Don't focus on being the most interesting candidate but the most qualified.  

 

Ex: I took over a decade to graduate, cycled through 4 majors, dropped out of school twice, and worked basically every blue collar job under the sun.  I summed this up in two sentences in my opening paragraph and never mentioned it again.  As it turned out, everyone forgot by the time I had my interviews that I was ten years older - what they remembered was my research and not my story, and my research was what got me into each program.  

 

Everyone is a unique and beautiful snowflake.  That sounds snarky but I actually mean it.  The problem is that means we could all pitch a memorable 'story' and still get lost in the shuffle.  Grad school isn't cast like a United Colors of Benetton ad - the focus will be on picking the most qualified student who will be an asset to the department.  Sell that story and only mention your unique/special circumstances if you can underline why it makes you more qualified to work in your field.

[Loric]

This is just IMHO but I would limit this 'story' to 2-3 sentences max.  You have a very small amount of space to sell yourself as a scholar, as a researcher, and as someone who is qualified to not only be accepted to a program but to graduate and excel in your field.  The expectations of your family, and what every choices you made before committing to your current path, has little to do with your achievements or abilities.  Don't focus on being the most interesting candidate but the most qualified.  

 

Ex: I took over a decade to graduate, cycled through 4 majors, dropped out of school twice, and worked basically every blue collar job under the sun.  I summed this up in two sentences in my opening paragraph and never mentioned it again.  As it turned out, everyone forgot by the time I had my interviews that I was ten years older - what they remembered was my research and not my story, and my research was what got me into each program.  

 

Everyone is a unique and beautiful snowflake.  That sounds snarky but I actually mean it.  The problem is that means we could all pitch a memorable 'story' and still get lost in the shuffle.  Grad school isn't cast like a United Colors of Benetton ad - the focus will be on picking the most qualified student who will be an asset to the department.  Sell that story and only mention your unique/special circumstances if you can underline why it makes you more qualified to work in your field.

 

Fun fact: I was asked to be a Benetton model once while I was working at Neiman Marcus. Small world.

[socioholic]

my two cents- i'm not sure this story really tells the reader anything besides 'i like history.' is there anything else you can add about yourself, perhaps not directly related to the major?