Please critique my Statement of Purpose

[mhd.saboori]

Hi everybody,

I am about to apply to a PhD program in Finance. Unfortunately I could not find enough people to proofread my SOP, so I've decided to call for your help. I'd appreciate your kind attention. Please keep in mind that I've earned an MBA in Finance that though enough for a Finance PhD program, at the same time it does not provide a strong research background. Thanks again in advance:

P.S: Since I doubt that whether it is appropriate to write real names I changed them to some abbreviation, please forgive me.

Here is my SOP:

 

 

Dear Sir/Madam:

I grew up under the influence of my father. He served 35 years in the government as a manager in different organizational levels. As his first child, I was regularly present at his office so that his work environment interested me in management. I developed this attraction by reading newspapers, magazines, books and my father’s documents rather than novels and comics. I remember I read Lester Thurow’s “Head to Head: The Coming Economic Battle among Japan, Europe and America” even before I was sixteen. Although I had a primitive perception of the book, it greatly influenced me with its perspective of the western management style represented by the U.S and eastern management style represented by the Japan. It also gave me some ideas about the importance and the role of economic management is in the confrontation of the world powers.

Keeping that background in mind, I believe that by gaining knowledge people can liberate themselves from a routine life and cherish a life of creativity and innovation, so I have always craved for learning. I used to read a lot, especially about management and technology, as much as my friends recall me by this feature. In high school I always ranked among the top three students with an overall GPA above 19 out of 20 for diploma. After high school I enrolled in IAUM University–Iran for Bachelor’s degree in software engineering. At the time, as a freelancer, I used to program windows applications.

 

After graduating from BSc degree and doing military service, I entered a contract with “Statistics, IT and Computer Services Organization” of Mashhad Municipality. I was working in a unit responsible for hardware, software and network maintenance. Meanwhile, since I was  competent in English language, I was cooperating with an R&D team in the organization assigned to acquire the knowledge of the existing technologies and standards regarding Intelligent Transportation Systems (ITS). The team was aimed at creating basic knowledge for the organization in ITS. Its efforts have led to utilizing a contactless card payment system for the subway and bus transportation system.

 

Back to my background of management, I have always aspired to have a career related to the management in a position that I could contribute to the field of management. Hence, to enrich my knowledge in this field, I attended some management courses. But after one year of work I found that low level job positions do not have much space for creativity and cannot satisfy my inner self need for prosperity. So I decided to promote myself by continuing my academic studies. Considering high quality education and affordable living expenses in Malaysia, I enrolled in Putra Business School, AACSB Accredited business school of University Putra Malaysia, to earn an MBA degree. In PBS, I had professors with valuable experiences from the Malaysian Ministry of Finance, or international companies such as Nestle; I attended industrial talk sessions with business managers from Dunnhumby and Nestle companies; I also made visits to big names’ sites such as Microsoft regional office in Kuala Lumpur that was an amazing experience.

 

At the start of my MBA, I had the idea that financial activities are the heart of any economic entity when I chose Finance as my specialization. But after studying Financial Management, Investment Analysis and Portfolio Management, I felt attached to Finance. The way that financial activists, for example, analyze the price of shares or decide about the profitability of taking on a project grabbed my attention. While most people conceive of these activities somehow as speculative, these activities follow rigorous scientific mathematical and logical analysis. The more I extended my Finance knowledge, the more it fascinated me. I concluded my MBA degree by doing a thesis on a subject related to Asian Flu, Asian financial crisis of 1997.

 

I found Finance as a field that can fulfil my most durable desire since I read the Thurow’s book: to be influential through management. I want to devote myself to add something to the field by getting a PhD; moreover, a PhD degree could bring me what I most expect from a job: a challenging and dynamic environment. I find the academic environment both challenging and dynamic because in academic environment you are constantly in touch with the frontier of the current knowledge.

 

I started looking for an opportunity to pursue my PhD. I happened to know XXX through one of its Iranian graduates, Dr. --- who writes regularly on the web and for Iranian publications. He introduced XXX in an article for those Iranians who are interested to continue graduate studies in Economics and Finance. I visited the XXX website and I was impressed by the student placements that prove the strength of the program in XXX.

 

I am interested to research in the areas of ‘investment analysis’, ‘corporate finance’ and ‘information analysis and financial decision making’. I found Professor A and Professor B researches relevant to my interests. I reviewed their research interests and followed their selected publications through XXX website. I familiarized myself with the quality of their works and their views on the different subject matters which I think are closely related to my areas of interest. Certainly, it would be an honor to work under supervision of such prominent faculty members and I value every opportunity to be part of research done there.

 

I believe that success results from hard work, dedication and aspiration. I think I demonstrated my dedication by quitting my job, going abroad to get a qualified degree and spending my own money. It was not an easy decision since that money came from my savings and my parents. I practiced hard work during my military service and during my MBA. Above all I have had the aspiration since I was young, an aspiration to contribute to the management and I am determined to make that goal come true by doing research in Finance. If I am given the chance to be on the XXX Finance PhD program I am confident that I will be successful and confirm your affirmative faith in me.

 

Sincerely yours,

Mohammad Saboori

December 10, 2013

[ratlab]

To be blunt - the first two paragraphs are irrelevant, no one cares about your childhood or high school. It kind of made me disinterested in reading further because the thought crept up in my mind "oh..it's another one of those..". 

 

Be very careful about being too casual - this is very much a sample of your professional writing ability. I strongly suggest you read it aloud to yourself multiple times as that will be a very good indicator of flow, and I guarantee that you will catch a lot of errors while doing so (pay attention to things like tense). I think your last few paragraphs need the most work. Don't state things like "I work hard, I am dedicated," show these things in your narrative.

Edited December 17, 2013 by ratlab

[mhd.saboori]

To be blunt - the first two paragraphs are irrelevant, no one cares about your childhood or high school. It kind of made me disinterested in reading further because the thought crept up in my mind "oh..it's another one of those..". 

 

Be very careful about being too casual - this is very much a sample of your professional writing ability. I strongly suggest you read it aloud to yourself multiple times as that will be a very good indicator of flow, and I guarantee that you will catch a lot of errors while doing so. 

Thanks for your advice. I tried to somehow catch their attention by this memory. I have seen some mentors advised to do so. What do you suggest?

I reviewed it a lot of times so that I could not critique myself and that's why I need your advice!

Thanks again.

[ratlab]

I edited my post, so refer back to that for what I think needs the most work. If you really want to "hook" them, try and find something that happened to you after high school during your college years. Make it relevant.

 

For example, in my statement of purpose I opened with a very brief narrative about when I was waiting in an airport talking to other scholars - we were all waiting to get on a plane to go to a conference. I allowed this story to introduce the fact that I presenting my honors thesis (with a travel award) at a scientific conference. It showed that I am excited about research, and that I have experience in academic dissemination. In all, it was about four to five concise sentences. Most importantly, it was relevant to the overall narrative of the statement of purpose and flowed very nicely into my research background.

Edited December 17, 2013 by ratlab

[mhd.saboori]

I edited my post, so refer back to that for what I think needs the most work. If you really want to "hook" them, try and find something that happened to you after high school during your college years. Make it relevant.

 

For example, in my statement of purpose I opened with a very brief narrative about when I was waiting in an airport talking to other scholars - we were all waiting to get on a plane to go to a conference. I allowed this story to introduce the fact that I presenting my honors thesis (with a travel award) at a scientific conference. It showed that I am excited about research, and that I have experience in academic dissemination. In all, it was about four to five concise sentences. Most importantly, it was relevant to the overall narrative of the statement of purpose and flowed very nicely into my research background.

Thank you again. Do you specifically stress on the time span of the "hook" part or is it possible that I rewrite it considering your critics? 

[ratlab]

As it stands, you should completely delete your first two paragraphs. Either come up with a more relevant opening or forgo that style altogether and start your statement of purpose with your academic background and research interests.

 

In other words, don't talk about anything before the day you stepped foot into your UG career.

 

Keep in mind this is just my opinion, but I think most people would tend to agree. There are *very* few circumstances where it would help you. Likely it will bore your readers.

Edited December 17, 2013 by ratlab

[mhd.saboori]

As it stands, you should completely delete your first two paragraphs. Either come up with a more relevant opening or forgo that style altogether and start your statement of purpose with your academic background and research interests.

 

In other words, don't talk about anything before the day you stepped foot into your UG career.

 

Keep in mind this is just my opinion, but I think most people would tend to agree. There are *very* few circumstances where it would help you. Likely it will bore your readers.

Got it. What about the rest? Let's think I followed your advise and wrote a different opening, is it capable of a continuation of something like you said?

[ratlab]

I am not sure what you mean...perhaps someone else would like to chime in?

Edited December 18, 2013 by ratlab

[comicline865]

So far as I understand, a SOP is not really a "personal statement." That is to say, you're not giving an intellectual biography, but rather a to-the-point statement about your interests and background that will allow them to peg you as a fit/not fit for their program and see important information there is not room for elsewhere in the application.

Your SOP needs 3 things (and 3 things only): 1) what you want to study; 2) why you're prepared to study it; 3) why that institution is the place to do it.

 

People do write more "intellectual biography" type statements and get into top programs every year, so it's not a death sentence. But I would suspect that those candidates were strong enough applicants that the personal statement didn't have to convince the program very much. (And plus, they probably included those three things I've mentioned above.) If writing quality is important, the program will have asked for a sample and will have a much better opportunity for assessing your style and ability to string together thoughts than anything you could present in the SOP. The SOP is of a utilitarian nature: concise, to-the-point, no-bullshit. Don't write poorly, but just communicate and don't have pretensions to anything else.

 

Some programs want a personal statement or diversity statement in addition to the SOP; that's the "intellectual biography" place (if you've got relevant hardships or experiences that would be pertinent, the only type worth including anyway).

Edited December 18, 2013 by Starbuck

[Flandre Scarlet]

Starbuck got it all nailed!

 

Post your edited SoP, mhd.saboori.

Edited December 18, 2013 by Flandre Scarlet

[mhd.saboori]

The best advice I've seen in days, Thank you Starbuck. I'd do it again. Hope you may have a look at it later. Scarlet: ASAP

I've got really stressful. So many ideas got me confused. And so far on the web I've seen some really poor samples that people reviewed and Oked!!!

[mhd.saboori]

Dear all,

I revised my SOP based on your feedback. I'd appreciate if you have a look at it again and I value every comment of yours.

 

Dear Sir/Madam:

I want to continue my graduate studies by getting a PhD in Finance because I am determined to land a related career focused on research in an academic environment or business consulting. Financial  activities are the heart of any economic entity activities that include personal finance, corporate finance, public finance and financial services. Among all different areas of finance, in particular, I am interested in ‘investment analysis’, ‘corporate finance’, and ‘information analysis and financial decision making’. I know that I need to have a strong quantitative skill alongside a background in economics and financial management.  

A PhD degree is necessary for my career objectives. It could bring me what I most expect from a job: a challenging and dynamic environment. I find the academic environment both challenging and dynamic because you are constantly in touch with the frontier of the current knowledge; moreover, A PhD in business management concentrated in finance could help me to be influential in the field of management, a long time desire of mine. After studying my MBA in another country, I feel I am ready to devote myself to add something to the field of finance by getting a PhD.

I believe that my background in software engineering has prepared me for such a career. First because I have a strong mathematical background through mathematical courses which covered a broad range of mathematics such as calculation, concrete mathematics, logics, algorithms, probability and differentials. Doing well in those courses made me ready to do quantitative analysis. Second because of having computer science knowledge and working experience I  am also familiar to know-how of information technology and its utilization in information analysis that will be a good advantage in doing my research. Writing Windows based applications enabled me to gain knowledge about database programming. I familiarized myself to bigdata and how companies and researchers use that data in their analysis.

To strengthen that background I tried to attend management courses, but after one year of work I found that low level job positions do not have much space for creativity and cannot satisfy my inner self need for prosperity. Hence, I decided to promote myself by continuing my academic studies. Considering high quality education and affordable living expenses in Malaysia, I enrolled in Putra Business School, AACSB Accredited business school of University Putra Malaysia, to earn an MBA degree. In PBS, I had professors with valuable experiences from the Malaysian Ministry of Finance, and international companies such as Nestle; I attended industrial talk sessions with business managers from Dunnhumby and Nestle companies; Also, I visited big names’ sites such as Microsoft regional office in Kuala Lumpur that was an amazing experience.

 

At the start of my MBA, I had the idea that finance is one of the most important areas of management so I chose Finance as my specialization. But after studying Financial Management, Investment Analysis and Portfolio Management, I felt attached to Finance. The way that financial activists, for example, analyze the price of shares or decide about the profitability of taking on a project grabbed my attention. While most people conceive of those activities as speculative, those activities follow rigorous scientific mathematical and logical analysis. The more I studied Finance, the more I was fascinated to it.  

 

Other than a helpful background, one who wants to start a PhD must be familiar with academic research. It is a long and rigorous activity that needs commitment. I believe I am ready to take such responsibility. While I was working, I cooperated with an R&D team  assigned to acquire the knowledge about technologies and standards related to Intelligent Transportation Systems (ITS). The team was aimed at creating basic knowledge for the organization in ITS. Its efforts have led to utilizing a contactless card payment system for the subway and bus transportation system. Also at the end of my MBA study, I did a thesis on a subject related to Asian Flu, Asian financial crisis of 1997. It was a good practice to know how an academic research is done.

 

When I finished my MBA, I started looking for an opportunity to pursue my PhD. I happened to know XXX through one of its Iranian graduates, Dr. CCC who writes regularly on the web and for Iranian publications. He introduced XXX in an article for those Iranians who are interested to continue graduate studies in Economics and Finance. I visited the XXX website and I was impressed by the quality of faculty members and the student placements that prove the strength of the program in XXX.

American style PhD program as a characteristic of the XXX PhD Finance program is an advantage for me because during my MBA at Putra Business School all courses were taught by original books from American publications including Mc Graw Hill and Pearson. Among those books were: ‘Investments and Portfolio Management’ by Bodie, Kane and Marcus; ‘Financial Management’ by Brigham an Erhhardt; ‘Financial Management’ by Megginson, Smart and Graham; and ‘Economics for Management’ by McGuigan, Moyer, Harris.

I found Professor AAA’s and Professor BBB’s researches relevant to my interests. I reviewed their research interests and followed their selected publications through XXX website. I familiarized myself with the quality of their works and their views on the different subject matters such as  Strategic Investment Policies and Information Acquisition. I think their research interests are closely related to my areas of interest. Certainly, it would be an honor to work under supervision of such prominent faculty members and I value every opportunity to be part of research done there.

 

I believe that success results from hard work, dedication and aspiration. I think I demonstrated my dedication by quitting my job, going abroad to get a qualified degree and spending my own money. It was not an easy decision since that money came from my savings and my parents. I practiced hard work during my military service and my MBA study. Above all I have the aspiration, an aspiration to contribute to the management and I am determined to make that goal come true by doing research in Finance. If I am given the chance to be on XXX Finance PhD program I am confident that I will be successful and confirm your affirmative faith in me.

 

Sincerely yours,

Mohammad Saboori

December 20, 2013

[mhd.saboori]

So far as I understand, a SOP is not really a "personal statement." That is to say, you're not giving an intellectual biography, but rather a to-the-point statement about your interests and background that will allow them to peg you as a fit/not fit for their program and see important information there is not room for elsewhere in the application.

Your SOP needs 3 things (and 3 things only): 1) what you want to study; 2) why you're prepared to study it; 3) why that institution is the place to do it.

 

People do write more "intellectual biography" type statements and get into top programs every year, so it's not a death sentence. But I would suspect that those candidates were strong enough applicants that the personal statement didn't have to convince the program very much. (And plus, they probably included those three things I've mentioned above.) If writing quality is important, the program will have asked for a sample and will have a much better opportunity for assessing your style and ability to string together thoughts than anything you could present in the SOP. The SOP is of a utilitarian nature: concise, to-the-point, no-bullshit. Don't write poorly, but just communicate and don't have pretensions to anything else.

 

Some programs want a personal statement or diversity statement in addition to the SOP; that's the "intellectual biography" place (if you've got relevant hardships or experiences that would be pertinent, the only type worth including anyway).

Dear Starbuck I did my best to follow your lead. I'd be glad to know your comment on this new version. So much thanks in advance.

[DerpTastic]

Hello! I don't think I'm in any way qualified to give feedback on someone's SOP, but my thoughts are that:

 

In the second paragraph, I think the word "first" and "second" should have a comma after it.

 

In the last paragraph:

 

"... and spending my own money. It was not an easy decision since that money came from my savings and my parents." 

sounds a little out of place to me. I understand the point, but I don't think it proves dedication, as in generally most do have to spend their money for an education. Additionally, I wouldn't bring up that money came from your parents. It makes it sounds more like you were simply given money, which is not the message I think you intended to convey.

 

"I practiced hard work"

This sounds vague and also doesn't really make sense to me. Hard work is more something you do, not something you practice.

 

"Above all I have the aspiration, an aspiration to contribute"

Sounds a little odd, might be the way it's worded. It might be that "the aspiration" followed by "an aspiration" is a little odd. 

 

In my opinion the last paragraph could be reworked a little. Good luck with your apps!

Edited December 28, 2013 by DerpTastic

[mhd.saboori]

Hello! I don't think I'm in any way qualified to give feedback on someone's SOP, but my thoughts are that:

 

In the second paragraph, I think the word "first" and "second" should have a comma after it.

 

In the last paragraph:

 

"... and spending my own money. It was not an easy decision since that money came from my savings and my parents." 

sounds a little out of place to me. I understand the point, but I don't think it proves dedication, as in generally most do have to spend their money for an education. Additionally, I wouldn't bring up that money came from your parents. It makes it sounds more like you were simply given money, which is not the message I think you intended to convey.

 

"I practiced hard work"

This sounds vague and also doesn't really make sense to me. Hard work is more something you do, not something you practice.

 

"Above all I have the aspiration, an aspiration to contribute"

Sounds a little odd, might be the way it's worded. It might be that "the aspiration" followed by "an aspiration" is a little odd. 

 

In my opinion the last paragraph could be reworked a little. Good luck with your apps!

Thanks, your comments were really useful.