I feel sick about my decision . . .

[studybunny]

. . . and want to call the other school. I have been having panic attacks and upset stomach literally every morning since the 12th when I decided because I physically couldn't take indecision anymore. Now, with some of the pressure worn off, I see I might have made the wrong choice. I say might because I have glimmers of hope, sometimes, if I can keep the panic at bay. I am trying to work it out in my head but have never been so scared in my life. I don't want to alienate advisers and future job prospects and I even anticipate all the negative comments I might get here. I am scared of going; I am scared of not going; I am scared of having to transfer; I am scared of not being able to transfer. This seemed like the easiest/best decision all throughout, but bad conversations occurred at the 11th hour and I accepted despite those and now feel enormously worried and unsure. I also wonder whether I was kidding myself all along about the program that seemed best at first and should have taken other schools more seriously. But I did try. I visited everywhere. I took notes. I spent hours on the phone talking to potential advisers at all schools. I am too exhausted right now to give all the details, but am wondering how many people right now are thinking of rescinding acceptances or calling back declined schools. It is awful, I know. I never thought I'd hear myself saying this, but I also never thought I'd wake up ill every morning for a week and a half. I can't not go. But I feel like I'm walking into the mouth of a lion.

[dramanda]

I think this is normal. I've had similar thoughts, though perhaps not to the same degree as you're describing here.

[brinswan]

The fact that you had such a hard time deciding and still don't know if you made the right choice indicates that both schools were probably good choices. You made a decision that you had to make, and it will turn out fine. If you give a little more info about the choice you had and the program you ended up deciding I can give you my completely objective opinion on the matter. But in this situation I think you were probably in a win-win situation and are having trouble letting go of one of the "wins". It's a natural emotion to have.

[Stories]

You've made a decision and it'll be good. Now go out and get a friend to feed you some tough love.

[a cup of coffee]

I have problems with anxiety, so I can totally empathize with you. I will bet you anything you are just nervous about making such an important decision, not about your choice! What seems worse to you, having to decline a school you already accepted or going somewhere you truly don't want to go? I think if you really felt that you had made the wrong decision, you would already have made some calls. When you start in the fall, wherever you go, you won't worry about this anymore because you will find your place in your program and won't be able to picture those alternative realities so easily.

[studybunny]

Thank you so much, sdklos, for your vote of confidence. I hadn't thought about it this way and your comments help add perspective. Here's more info:

School A (which I chose):

private

equal overall rank as school B but better reputation in my particular literary subfield, hence potentially better job upon completing

a lot more money (about 24,000 for four years, plus 19,000 in year five, this includes a competitive university-wide fellowship)

a lot less teaching: no teaching in first two years, small classes after that, only teach comp once, greater focus on courses you design

less of a fit with the literary research interests I always thought I'd follow, but already have an adviser clearly lined up who is connected to a previous adviser of mine and comes highly recommended. She is willing to work with me on old focus to some extent, but also expects me to branch out into new goals stated in SOP (Fear: what if the intended diss. topic they're all so game on doesn't work out? Do I have a fallback?)

less classes in the interest I thought I'd follow + more interdisciplinary work expected

better climate

scary future committee member in a small department where personality issues have greater potential to metastasize

School B:

state

less money (17,500 in the first year, about 16,000 years 2-6)

significantly more teaching: grading for up to 50 students in each semester of the second year, teach comp. at least 4 times

"the one" - a woman another department who focuses specifically on my older interests, albeit across disciplines. I am familiar with her work and teach her stuff in my classes. Very amenable to working with me, but other committee members in home department are considered weak in my subfield, so potentially poorer job upon graduation. (One member was so young she had never chaired a diss committee before, which would require co-chairing by the woman in the other department)

less demand to develop the new interests which might, actually, prove more viable

more classes in the old interest I thought I'd follow

bad weather

large program where the focus on individual students seemed less of a priority

a dearth of students in my subfield

Basically, this all comes down to research, I think. The old stuff I love and the new stuff I now really must do in order to survive at school A. It's freaking me out to be taken so seriously with no research plan under my belt. It's making me sad to feel I have to move away from the literature I always loved and thought I would specialize in. But it would also make me sad, I think, to go to the less prestigious school where I'd be just one in a crowd when I worked so hard to get into a top place. I feel torn.

[studybunny]

thank you, "a cup of coffee" (which, by the way, is the last thing I need right now!)

[nandelle]

I think what you have is a combination of low confidence in the "new" field, buyer's remorse, and normal second-guessing.

From someone who doesn't knwo you at all, just from what you listed there it seems like school A is the clear choice (that is, if the money is money you're getting, not paying )

It seems scary to branch off into a new subfield, but I bet you will be fine. Take a deep breath. It sounds like you had two very very solid options but I think you made the right choice.

Best of luck!

[fuzzylogician]

I think what you have is a combination of low confidence in the "new" field, buyer's remorse, and normal second-guessing.

From someone who doesn't knwo you at all, just from what you listed there it seems like school A is the clear choice (that is, if the money is money you're getting, not paying )

It seems scary to branch off into a new subfield, but I bet you will be fine. Take a deep breath. It sounds like you had two very very solid options but I think you made the right choice.

Best of luck!

I second that. School A seems like the clear winner and Ithink you made the right choice. I'd also add that it's waaaaay premature to worry about your dissertation topic not working out and your committee members fighting with each other. That's all 3-4 years in the future and who knows what'll happen before then. You might actually find you enjoy the new research topics or are interested in other topics. Faculty members may move to other places and new ones could be hired. I'd concentrate on the advantages you're sure to have now over problems you might have later. When the time comes, and if the problems arise, then I am sure that you will figure out a way to solve them.

[a cup of coffee]

If I were you, I also would have chosen School A. Also, I expect that my specific research interests will change in the future and don't see them as completely definite in any way. And once you become a professor, there's no reason why you couldn't publish work in the area you love now. Good job! You made a good decision, and now you just get to relax and wait until the fall

[studybunny]

I guess part of the problem is that I had what I considered to be a bad conversation with a secondary adviser before accepting and I now can't get it out of my head. Everyone (including one former adviser) agrees that this person has a horrible personality. But since it is such a small department, it is almost certain that he will in fact end up being a committee member of mine and I don't yet know/trust the extent to which my main adviser will be able to protect me from his wrath. Each day, I think about how nice and receptive "the one" was at school B and it makes it very hard to feel good about my decision because I anticipate more personality conflicts at school A. The sad part is that this conflict is all because of his dislike of the old research interest, so it's not really me personally, but I have to deny my interests in order to garner his good will. It's painful. I went to the doctor today and they had to take my blood pressure three times because my heart was pounding so badly. I keep having these panic attacks thinking about the new guy and it makes me either want to call the old school (where I'm sure, at this point, it is unlikely they will still have a spot for me) or not go to the new school. Then I think about my recommendation letter writers, esp. the one who has the connection to the new main adviser at school A, and wonder whether I will ever be able to get a letter from her and the others again if it doesn't work out at the new school. I feel like I've consigned myself to a higher stakes environment, which I have because it's a better program in my subfield, but that in doing this, I might have shot myself in the foot on future career success because it will be harder to graduate successfully. I keep going up and down with it but the panic is exhausting. A doctor today said I was in crisis and needed to go to the hospital. I wish I could call the recommendation letter writers and admit what's going on (I never told anyone about the bad conversation) but I'm too afraid of how they'll react. I wish I could call school B but my fear for my professional image keeps holding me back.

[a cup of coffee]

Well, the guy won't be your main adviser, and if you really don't get along with him you don't have to put him on your committee, even if he's in your field. At an extremely, extremely small program, this might be more awkward, but no one forces you to choose your committee members. And even if he's on your committee, there is no way that you wouldn't be able to graduate! That is an absolute nightmare scenario, totally not going to happen, even if he is pure evil. I mean, he's had to advise many other students at this school, he can't just destroy anyone who doesn't please him. When you get to your new department, find some professors that are really good with students and build relationships with them so you have a supportive network.

Who knows, maybe he will end up liking you anyway, even if he has a bad personality. Plus, you will almost certainly have to work with people like him in the future, so it would be good practice to get used to dealing with academics like him.

It sounds like you are really nervous, and that means you may not be perceiving what happened in your "bad" conversation accurately. I can sympathize with you because I struggle with my current adviser on a personal level, and often get caught up in what I perceive as really negative remarks, but I try to recognize that he probably hasn't thought twice about them. Don't let one professor turn you away from a school that sounds like it will be great for you in every other area. Also, all the problems you're worried about are years away. You will gain a lot of confidence in three or four years, get used to dealing with this guy, and feel a lot more comfortable standing your ground if he bothers you.

When your body is flooded with stress hormones, it prevents you from thinking rationally. Have you gone to try to get some medication to end your panic attacks? It will be obvious to any doctor that you need a couple Xanax or something like that, and you will feel much better instantly. As long as your body is in such distress (I know exactly what it's like), you will not be able to think about this in a productive way. I hope you can get help and feel better

You're right that it's too late to change now, so you can stop thinking about that. I would go ahead and let your recommenders know how you feel. I am sure they will only reassure you! They've all had to deal with difficult people, too

[liszt85]

If its of any help, I'm in a similar position but don't have the panic attacks that you do. I declined an offer from a better ranked school and probably a better program (wrt to my interests) due to a few reasons that I now think I should not have really bothered about (money was one). One of the other reasons was that there was this professor at another department who does exactly the kind of work I want to be doing and if you've worked with him, you are looked at with respect in the field. I had been in touch with him for a few months and he would be very friendly and would give me advice on my applications, etc. Then one day I made a stupid mistake, I sent him a really irritating long email (because I had a panic attack that day about making a decision and about having to decline that higher ranked school) and he responded saying that the professors would probably now think that it was a mistake to offer me a place because I was probably incapable of making a decision by myself and also probably because I would need constant attention. I went ahead and accepted the offer from the same school. I intend to work my ass off and make up for that and try to get back in good terms with him. My primary adviser and my primary topic are very new to me and I was recruited only for some of my skills in using some concepts of physics in my research. So I'll probably enjoy that as well but I was really hoping to do a few projects with this guy from the other department.. So as of now, I feel like crap too (1. Don't have a very good idea about what my primary research will be exactly like 2. Don't know if I'll get to work with this guy) but what I'm trying to tell you is this. If you work hard and enjoy your work, nobody can mess with you. So stay positive, immerse yourself in your work and enjoy working with your primary adviser. Deal with this other guy when it is time to do so, and you've got 4-5 happy years before that! If you've worked well, the other professors will take care of him and will put him in his place or you yourself will end up doing that

[wednesday]

Your post actually cheered me up a little because I feel almost the same way about my decision (constant horrible, horrible sick feeling in my gut that won't go away, waking up and panicking a little each morning when I wake up, not able to concentrate on other things, oscillating back and forth with convincing myself I made the right decision vs. knowing I've screwed my career, etc. It's like an unending feeling of being eaten up inside interspersed with glimmers of hope. I posted about it here: viewtopic.php?f=29&t=17873 ).

It's kind of funny though because although our situations are not identical, I went with the equivalent of your School B and deeply regret it. I chose to continue working in my current interests, even though in the long term I think I would have been much better served by my School A which is just another more practical side of my interests. I take some solace in the chance to transfer or start over at another school, but I do not know enough about how this process works. I just want to stop worrying about my decision, and move on. But I am terrified that my regret will affect my commitment to my choice school. I was extremely close to contacting the school I declined, but haven't because I am pretty sure the position will be gone and don't think that would be a good start. The worst part is that we did this to ourselves so it's easy to beat ourselves up about it. I honestly think you made the right decision from your descriptions of the schools.

Does anyone know how hard it is to transfer, especially to a higher-ranked/better program? If I really know that I made the wrong decision, would I be better off sticking with it anyway and plan on transferring after a year or masters degree, or should I just work for a little and reapply? I think you can always delay a year, but I will really love working at my choice school and hate to give that up, even though I don't think it will get me where I want to be career-wise.

[brinswan]

StudyBunny I'm going to reiterate what everyone is saying and tell you that you made the right choice. Also, this guy you are having problems with seems to be a recognized difficult to deal with person so you can't take it personally. Academic life is full of characters like this with their strong opinions about your work and I think having to deal with this guy will be good practice for the rest of your career - this stuff certainly won't end with this guy. But this kind of intellectual conflict builds character - it will teach you how to disagree with someone diplomatically or at the very least to just get along with difficult people. This is certainly not a reason to not go to a place that is without a doubt the better hoice.

[baileysamson]

I think it's normal to second-guess your decision. One piece of advice I've been trying hard to follow--one you make up your mind, don't look back! So far it's serving me well. I turned down generous funding offers to go to a better-ranked school that seemed perfect in every way . . . except for the funding. But I try not to think about that too much and trust that I made the right choice.