Building relationships (platonic and romantic) while being a grad student in a new part of the country

[americanaamelie]

Hello all,

 

This topic has to do with adjusting socially and culturally to a new environment, which was something I didn't put as much thought into when preparing for graduate study as I probably should have! I was just thrilled to have been accepted with full funding to the program of my choice. But one of the more difficult parts of my first year of grad study has been dealing with unexpected culture shock and finding others to relate to in a part of the country whose people's views and lifestyles differ sharply from mine.

 

I attend a university in the South- in a rural Southern college town to be exact.  Being a liberal-leaning, single woman who doesn't particpate in organized religion, I've definitely felt like the odd one out at times in my department and the larger community (which is verryy Baptist/evangelical). It took until the end of my second semester to get close to a few people, and I'm very grateful to have them in my life, but many of them are married and wrapped up in their marriages, as are many of my fellow graduate students in general. If they're not married, they're either engaged or in serious relationships, which has been...disappointing. I'm not ashamed to admit that I would love to meet someone; I know I'm in graduate school, and my academic work is my priority, but this girl wants some companionship and love, too . Single men seem to be an endangered species around here; finding them, and friends in general, is another problem in itself, considering that graduate study doesn't allow much time to participate in extra-curriculars and hobby groups where I would be able to meet more like-minded people.

 

So what I am seeking with this post is, first, any general advice about adjusting to living in a new part of the country, advice about how to balance school and assitantship duties with nurturing an extracurricular/social life, and any advice regarding dating in graduate school. I know, I'm asking a lot, but anything you have to offer would be much appreciated.

 

 

[maelia8]

If you don't mind my asking, what part of the country are you originally from/what kind of political/social/religious environment are you used to? That might be helpful in understanding just what it is about the community you're in that isn't quite clicking with you.

Edited May 16, 2014 by maelia8

[americanaamelie]

Sure, I'm 24 years old, and I lived in New Mexico until this past year when I moved for grad school; I was born and raised in Sante Fe and attended college in Albuquerque. I come from a white middle class family, and my parents would be considered liberal and not very religious (as am I). I've been active in progressive movements such as reproductive rights, health care reform, etc. Though I think I'm aware of why I'm not clicking with my current community; my issue, I guess, is how to find my own niche and meet and develop relationships with others within this very different community.

[LittleDarlings]

Aww I love this post! Ok well I am going to grad school and I have the same worries, about making friends and finding a relationship. I actually already started chatting with people in my program which is pretty cool, so I don't think making friends will be a major issue anymore. See if your program has a FB, it seems like everyone on there is chatty and looking to meet people. As far the men... Girrrrlllll I am struggling in that aspect! Lol. I have done online dating for a while, met some awesome people also I intend to just hang out on and around campus when school starts. No shame in wanting some love and companionship! Good luck!!

[ExponentialDecay]

work the bejeebus out of your okcupid account.

[Ceci]

I moved from NV after living there for 15 years.  I moved to VA where thing's are much more different than what I ever expected.  My recommendation, after living here for a stint of time, is to find group activities that you share a similar interest and participate.  For example, if you're really into yoga or other activities try different groups in and around campus.  

[bsharpe269]

I have been raised in the south but am liberal and not at all religous. I completely understand your difficulty connecting with the very religous/conservative sort of people down here.

 

Here are some of the things that have helped me:

1) Don't completely write of these people. It is easy to assume that you dont have anything in common with them but keep in mind that they have probably rarely been exposed to other ideas. Religion is everywhere down here and is just a way of life. I often find that people seem like the conservative/closed minded types but when you go to have a conversation with them, actually have doubts too or ideas on religion/philosophy and can be a lot of fun to talk to. This is true for dating too. I have been in relationships with people like this and have had wonderful relationships full of great discussion.

2) As far as meeting people goes, I actually have found that there are WAY more liberl/nonreligous people in academia than anywhere else, at least in my field (math/hard sciences). I cant see what your field is so maybe this isnt as true for of yours. Grad school is probably the best place in the south to meet liberal/not religous people. I would take advantage of this opportunity and go to as many grad events are you can. Maybe your program is especially religious but hard sciences and philosophy departments tend to have very few religous people in my experience. I would try to go coffee hours hosted by the grad school or events. The grad school at my university holds seminars on things like managing stress often. I would try to go to these things to meet people.

 

Good luck! I have been dealing with this my whole life and understand the frustration. I will be applying to phd programs out west and up north this fall and an excited to go somewhere new.

[biisis]

OKCupid is your friend. It can be a time efficient way of screening out terrible options and finding a few good ones without leaving the house/library.

 

As for work/life balance in relationships, try and find other over-stressed companions. Or maybe polyamoury could be a good option. Think of it as a relationship timeshare. 

[americanaamelie]

Thank you all for the responses. Just knowing I'm not alone in feeling this way is helpful in itself! I think I'll have to get over my prejudices about online dating and give it a try..What can it hurt. And I really like bsharpe269's advice about attending events specifically for graduate students (didn't do any of that last year) and not automatically closing myself off to these people.

 

lunarem--I'd rather not give the university's name in this post but it's in Alabama-- church, football, and country music mania ...seriously, you can't get away from the country music. It's good that you have visited the university and are at least prepared for what will be meeting you in the Fall; that's more than what I did. You also have time to scope out and research some student or community organizations before arriving. I wish you the best!