Work is suffering due to anxiety...

[HYHY02]

This is pretty embarrassing enough, but I feel like I'm at the point where I need to find help but here it goes...

 

Before I get into the details, I should preface this by saying that I've had social anxiety and depression (stemming from the anxiety) issues in the past few years (at least I was told so from a psychiatrist, to the point where I was given medication) and it never really subdued. Anyways, long story short, I have essentially two graduate spots, one in my university with my supervisor, and one at a hospital research lab with a "co supervisor". This started late last year near the end of the fall semester. I was expected to go there a couple of days a week and participate in the typical lab work at the hospital, and at least show my face around. However, when I first started, I worked in a portion of the lab room that was empty for the most part at the hospital. Going back to my anxiety issues, this was great. I had contact with some undergrad students every know and then, but it was nice.

 

Anyways, eventually I'm told that I'm a graduate student, and I should be working on the bench areas/lab room with all the other graduate students under this co supervisor. However, I tried going there a few times, and felt like utter **** to be honest. The anxiety just sky rocketed. I felt like they didn't want me there, and that they all thought I was just some weirdo that had no business being there (the lab is affiliated with a great school, where I'm coming from a smaller/less known school, I just felt inferior and felt like they all knew it). I have nothing to back up those thoughts/opinions, but that's what comes with anxiety I suppose. I assumed the people think the worst of me. It got to the point where I would travel over an hour to get to the lab, walk into the building, and just be so struck with fear and anxiety, that I turned away to go back to my university.

 

I now started going late night there to avoid people, and at least to say "well hey supervisor, at least I'm there on a weekly basis, just at night due to my schedule", but at some point, I'm going to get caught with not being around enough. This was seriously an amazing opportunity to work in this co supervised lab, and was actually a big part of why I chose to go where I did, but I feel like I'm throwing it away. I absolutely do not want to discuss with any of my supervisors my past anxiety issues. I just need a way to overcome this. I have this position until fall of this year, and I want to make the most of it this summer (as in being there on a daily basis, and make some effort to integrate myself with the lab).

 

I just feel like a failure at this point but I need to fix it; I just don't know where to begin....

 

[victorydance]

Do you do regular counselling with a therapist?

[Lisa44201]

Anxiety is very treatable.You might call your University's Counseling Center. There should be no need to disclose to your employer.

[HYHY02]

Do you do regular counselling with a therapist?

 

I used to, but unfortunately stopped.

 

I'm just more concerned of how to get over this issue with my limited time I have this year.

[St Andrews Lynx]

I used to, but unfortunately stopped.

 

I'm just more concerned of how to get over this issue with my limited time I have this year

My understanding of anxiety & depression is that these aren't "quick fix" things. Nor is there an easy way to sort out complicated mental health issues by yourself. My advice would be to get back to a therapist sooner rather than later. The rest of your future career is going to involve working alongside other people, so it is important to invest in an effective solution to your issues.

[milkman2500]

There a few things you can do. First, I would talk to your doctor about it. He/She might recommend medication and/or treatment (most likely CBT). The medication can really help temporarily, but the CBT is the long-term solution. You can even start practicing CBT now if you do some research. It's pretty basic and very helpful, but takes awhile and lots of practice to work. You need to learn to identify your triggers, and implement exercises to reduce the anxiety (breathing, relaxing muscles). Also, don't avoid anxious situations. You need to keep yourself exposed to anxiety to build up a tolerance. When you start to feel very anxious, slow down your thoughts and soothe yourself into positive thinking. Try not to beat yourself up or talk negatively. Breath slowly and relax any tense muscles. Get through the anxious situation slowly. Small steps are great.

 

Good luck!

Edited June 12, 2014 by milkman2500

[victorydance]

Yeah, there is no 'easy solution.' First step is get back to regularly seeing a therapist.

 

Anxiety disorders are incredibly 'incremental.' You need to slowly force yourself to engage in social situations and positively reinforce yourself until your comfort level starts to rise, rinse and repeat. 

Edited June 12, 2014 by victorydance

[Applemiu]

Definitely if possible consult a therapist, it's worth it in the long term. Sometimes it takes a bit to fins the right one, but don't give up. In the meanwhile there are excellent self-help resources like workbooks etc. that apply CBT principles. Anxiety is very treatable.

[seeingeyeduck]

It's good that you realize that you have nothing to back up those opinions. When you feel anxious, you need to learn how to soothe and talk yourself down. Realize that the anxiety doesn't come from other people's opinions but your own pattern of thinking about yourself. Try to look at things rationally and recognize that in reality people haven't done anything to indicate they think ill of you. Remember that your emotions are survivable. Figure out a way to dampen them as they arise instead of leaning into them until you have to turn around.

You don't have to tell anyone the full extent of it but maybe you can just say to a PI that you are new and would like to get shown the ropes and ask them to introduce you to who they think is a particularly friendly grad who can take you under their wing a bit? It's hard to just be thrown into a group of strangers, mental health issues or no. It's a lot easier if one of the group takes the initiative to bring you in a bit.

At any rate, I would consider giving one of your professors some idea of what is happening before they really do start thinking you are either antisocial or lazy. I've had my fair share of issues in the past and have learned that most professors are willing to help you but not if you wait til it's already a huge problem. Better to let people know at the beginning. That way they can either schedule you the way you want or help you integrate into the group. The tactics you are using now are basically avoidant and that will not help you practice the sort of behavior which will make this easier. You need someone to help you get accustomed to the situation by degrees. I'd also recommend getting a counsellor ASAP. No, it won't be a quick fix but they can at least give you some strategies to deal with this especially if you really don't want to tell a prof.

[alwayslearning]

When I was in undergrad doing premed work, it was a very intense and competitive, and I began experiencing some of the same things you've described, especially wrt anxiety during testing/exams. I immediately went to my university health center on campus and got in to see a psychiatrist. After evals and several appointments, my doc put me on Effexor, which is actually an antidepressant but is also used in anxiety. Whether it was placebo effect or genuine biochemical change, I was eventually able to eliminate the anxiety. 

Of course, I am not suggesting this medication (or any other, for that matter) is right or wrong for you, and I don't want to get into a discussion about the pros and cons of medication use. However, my point is, it may be worth considering the psychiatry/medication route, alone or in conjunction with some form of therapy. My girlfriend is in a clinical psych program that does a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).. something like that may also be beneficial.

As others have said, there are lots of options, and anxiety (and depression) is very treatable, generally. I had great success with my medication, and was able to stop taking it after about 2 years (again, this length of time will vary from one individual to another). 

Consider your options and choose what you think is best. If it ends up not working out, try something else. Odds are you will be able to find some form of relief, in my opinion.

Good luck!