Stalker/Harressment in my Lab

[bsharpe269]

Hey guys,

 

I just mentioned in another forum that I was dealing with this which made me realize that this would be a great thing to post about and get some more input on. Sorry in advance that this will be a very long story.

 

First of all, I'll start by saying that I am engaged. A man in my lab (20 years older than me) who I have been sort of friends/aquaintances with for a year told me that he was very interested in me about month ago. At first I was very flattered and enjoyed the attention. This comment came at an all time low in my relationship since my fiance and I were having huge problems with his family hating me and his dog attacked mine => $2k vet bill for us in addition to facing the fact that his dog who he is in love with can't live with us. These are of course things that we are working on together. Anyway the comment came right in the middle of all of this and frankly, I felt really emotionally distant from my fiance and am lonely anyway from working from home and being a shy person without many friends. I fell into the habit talking to this guy alot online throughout the day while working.  It was fun to have someone to talk to and he is an intelligent guy with interesting stuff to say. I will admit that talking to the guy this much was inapproriate given my relationship status. I did tell him daily that despite talking this much, I had no plans of leaving my fiance and that we were just friends. Anyway, this only lasted for 3 days before stuff started getting weird...

 

One evening, I was at my fiance's friend's house and told him. He got really jealous that I was with them and had to go take an hour long walk to cool off. He came back and told me that this was killing him and that I need to make a decision sooner than later because he can't deal with this. **I had made it clear multiple times that I was NOT leaving my fiance** I didn't respond until the next morning and when I did, I told him that we needed to stop talking, even as friends because he was getting the wrong idea. Then he started freaking out, telling me he was in love in me, that he was losing the most important thing in his entire life, etc. He said that he wanted to marry me and would make a great father and wanted to spend him entire life making me happy. The next day emails and in person comments starting getting creepier... For example, I received a multi page long email from him about how much he loves me and hopes we will one day work out. He said that he had experienced love at first site with me, that I was the most beautiful person he had ever seen and even signed the email with "I will love you forever." I hardly know this guy!? He also sat outside the lab for hours trying to wait for me, hoping to get a ride home even though he lives in walking distance from the lab. My responses have been nice but very assertive that he needs to stop contacting me. Now, a few weeks later, he still emails me a few times a week, either about how he loves me and needs an apology for talking to him for a few days AS FRIENDS and leading him on, or angry emails like "Stay the fuck away from me in the lab - no work, not friends. You are an ugly person and I have zero respect for you as a human. The percise definition of a careless girl." (direct quote from an email).

 

I am at a loss for what to do. I admitted to my fiance that we talked alot (too much) online for a weekend and have been showing him all of the recent emails. How long do I let these emails go on before getting someone else involved? Is there a certain point that the police should get involved and a restraining order is needed. I am not sure what point that is compared to where we are now. I don't want to create unnecesary drama in my lab but I am not confident that this guy won't freak out and hurt me or my fiance either... He has some sort of very obsessive love for me that really creeps me out. Thoughts?

Edited August 4, 2014 by bsharpe269

[ProfLorax]

Okay, first of all: this is not your fault. You are allowed to talk to people without expecting this kind of intensity and harassment. By talking to him and enjoying his company online, you did not invite his controlling, enraged, intense behaviors. 

 

Second of all: I don't want to alarm you, but the intensity he is showing concerns me. The rapid change in moods, the possessiveness he feels-- all of these are red flags. He may do absolutely nothing, but even if he never resorts to violence, he is displaying extremely unprofessional and inappropriate and yes predatory behavior. In your position, I would talk to an advisor. Show the emails. You ask when: I say now. He has crossed the line so many times over at this point. And remember: no matter what comes out of this, YOU are not the one creating unnecessary drama-- this guy is. 

[Munashi]

My responses have been nice but very assertive that he needs to stop contacting me. Now, a few weeks later, he still emails me a few times a week, either about how he loves me and needs an apology for talking to him for a few days AS FRIENDS and leading him on, or angry emails like "Stay the fuck away from me in the lab - no work, not friends. You are an ugly person and I have zero respect for you as a human. The percise definition of a careless girl." (direct quote from an email).

 

 

Reiterating what proflorax has said: This is not your fault.

 

This type of flip-flopping is typical harasser/abuser behavior.  I noticed you said that "your responses have been...", and I think at this time it would be best to stop responding entirely to any type of contact from this person.  Any response, even if it's just "Do not contact me anymore", may encourage the behavior.  If you have already directly asked him to stop contacting you and you have evidence of this (email records), then you don't need to respond to him anymore.  If not, explicitly state in no uncertain terms "Do not make any attempts to contact me" then go silent.

Keep records of any and all contact from him.  Save/back-up all your IM logs and emails.  If he contacts you in person, write down a log of when, how, and what happened.  This is all "just in case" and hopefully you won't need it.  It may not hurt to speak to the police just to make a record of the fact that you are being harassed.  They may not be able to issue a restraining order without evidence of a threat, but if you're comfortable with it, it doesn't hurt to start the file BEFORE anything happens (not that it will, but if it did, it can help).  I also think proflorax's suggestion of talking to an advisor or superior in the lab wouldn't hurt.  Take your logs with you.

[geographyrocks]

^^^^^THAT!

Start a file. Discontinue contact.

[bsharpe269]

Thanks for the advice guys. At the beginning, I tried to be nice and would reply with something like "Your intensity is makng me uncomfortable. Please do not discuss your feelings with me." and have moved to  "Stop sending me nasty emails." On the most recent email I replied with "Do not contact me again." I ignored one of his emails last week which resulted in a very nasty email 2 days later, saying that I lacked decency as a human being.

 

I will not reply to his emails at all in the future and do have all emails saved. You guys do think that it is time to bring this to my advisor? Or in a few weeks if it doesn't stop? I keep saying to myself, if this is still happening next week then it is time to loop in someone in the department but then next week comes and I still feel dramatic for bringing in someone else. I am not a confrontational person. My advisor is a great guy and is academically very supportive. I am a MS student though and the guy in question is his best PhD student. I guess that does not matter at all in terms of this behavoir though. If he is doing this to me then he could do it to the next female student in the lab too.

 

Edit: I am not sure if it matters or not but my adviser is head of the department and also dean of whole college of computing so he is a pretty high up person to go to. I am close to enough to him and 1 other professor in the department to discuss this with. Both are male but both are very supportive. There are not many females in the department.

Edited August 4, 2014 by bsharpe269

[Munashi]

I think it is very appropriate to bring this to the attention of your advisor and/or the lab PI.  You are not being dramatic - the drama is coming from the creeper, not you.  By acting, you are being proactive about your safety and sanity.  I don't think you need to/should wait.  I still recommend bringing your email logs, etc to your meeting with your advisor.

 

And keep on ignoring any new emails from creepy guy!  Just save them and don't reply.

[victorydance]

I wouldn't go to your adviser yet. As much as this is getting out of hand, it's probably best if you kept your personal life away from your professional life.

 

Continue to ignore the emails. Don't say anything. If you see him, either ignore him or tell him to leave you alone. 

 

If it continues to escalate, then, yes you may have to do something about it. But as a general rule, try to resolve this conflict yourself (by cutting off all contact completely) beforehand before taking any measures that could make the situation worse for you professionally.

[Munashi]

...telling me he was in love in me, that he was losing the most important thing in his entire life...

He also sat outside the lab for hours trying to wait for me, hoping to get a ride home even though he lives in walking distance from the lab. 

I think victorydance raises a fair point - it is possible that this situation could lead to professional consequences.  It shouldn't, but the reality is that it may.  I agree that if it continues, you'll have to say something to someone at some point.  How long have you been unresponsive to him?

That said, the things I quoted above are what really concern me.  The fact that the guy sat outside the lab for hours waiting for you is pretty disturbing and I can see why you might be scared.

 

People who know more about the legal implications of this than I do - might it be better for her to bypass her advisor and just take it to the police?  It's an honest question, I don't know.  I do think if this continues you'll have to involve a 3rd party.

[bsharpe269]

I get your point victorydance. It is a really blurry line. At what point is it too far? I don't think there is a right answer to that really. It has been around a month since the weekend that we talked alot. I have not initiated contact with him a single time since then (obviously!) and he sends me about 3 emails a week now. Usually one is something like "hey, can I get that book back that I let you use a long time ago", one is angry, and one is basically him saying that he cannot possibly move on until I at least just answer this one thing for him. For the first type, I ignore them or answer with something very short like "I'll bring it tomorrow." For the angry emails, I either send no response or respond by telling him to stop sending me nasty emails. For the third type, I guess my response depends on what it is. If he says that I have been playing him that he thinks its ridiculus that I havent even apologized then I'll say something like "Look, we talked for 3 days. Please stop emailing me about your feelings." Sometimes he isn't as creepy and just seems genuinely sad which makes me feel bad and I will give a short answer. I agree with everyone above that I probably just need to ignore ALL emails, no matter the content and see if he gets the hint after a few weeks (though its doubtful, since my ignoring them seems to make him more angry).

 

The only real threat that he has given was over the weekend. His words: "if I hear you talk about this stuff with anyone in the biophysics department, he will be getting an earful as well as many other people." By "he", he was refering to my fiance. I am not that concerned about his threat... my fiance knows whats going on. He has not given any threats about my safety. In that same email he said "What do you think? 2-3 years before you fuck some other guy behind his back??? Don't ever talk to me again." I have not seen him since this email but it was angry enough that I honestly feel at least slightly worried to go to lab meeting tomorrow.

Edited August 4, 2014 by bsharpe269

[ss2player]

bsharpe, I'm sorry to hear about this story, and echoing what proflorax said, you are not at fault and don't need to feel guilty. Everyone has a right to feel comfortable in their workplace and be pleasant (and even friends with!) their coworkers. He crossed this line and should be reprimanded for it. If you were an employee, HR would be the place to go, but since it's academia things get dicier. It's possible if you bring it to the dean or DGS, Le Creeper might snap and do something rash, so I would suggest talking to them in confidence and trying to find a solution before involving him. Is there a counseling/trauma center at your school? They will likely have dealt with abuse and harassment and might be able to help. There also might be a peer counseling service in your city which could suggest some legal council.

This is a difficult situation and I think you've been handling it well, as any sane person would. This guy is frankly scary and a restraining order may not be out of the question if it can't be handled internally. You are not responsible for his "sadness"; that's a classic strategy to get control of others that emotionally abusive people use. No contact, act professional, take it to authority figures if he continues. Good luck and please keep up updated!

[ProfLorax]

I just want to respond to victorydance's suggestion and provide an alternative perspective. This behavior is happening in the workplace, so therefore, it is a professional issue. I also don't believe that anyone on the receiving end of harassment should have to wait for it to escalate before reporting it, especially when escalation can mean violence. You have tried to resolve it, but he refuses to take heed. You are entitled to feeling safe in your workplace, and based on the title of this thread, it doesn't seem like you're feeling safe. 

 

Here's the deal: there's a reason we are telling you to log communication. It's because we recognize the potential for this situation to escalate, whether that mean simply that he causes problems with your fiance or DGS or he resorts to violence. ss2player, Munashi, and I are all recognizing his behaviors as the same patterns of abusers. I don't believe in telling people what to do, but I want to affirm that you are under no responsibility to protect him, his feelings, or his job. If you're up to it, find someone on campus you trust--your advisor, a counselor, the ombudsperson. Unfortunately for the world we live in, I can pretty much guarantee that you are not the first person to deal with this situation on your campus, and someone should be able to help you.

 

I once reported creepy behavior in the workplace. My situation was different, and honestly, not nearly as intense as yours. When I was an instructor at a community college, I found out that a student (not my student) was taking pictures of me in the library without me knowledge and consent, then sending them to his friends with sexual comments. I felt unsafe and violated, so I went to my supervisor. She agreed that the behavior was totally inappropriate and went to her supervisor, the VP of Student Affairs, who issued the strongest warning possible to the student. I didn't see the student for a whole other year, and he never made eye contact with me again. Frankly, I am fine that I resolved the conflict through my supervisors. He learned that his behavior was unacceptable (well, he was at least made to act as if he learned that), and I was able to continue putting my heart and soul into teaching and tutoring without worrying about my safety or privacy. 

[surefire]

This behavior is happening in the workplace, so therefore, it is a professional issue. I also don't believe that anyone on the receiving end of harassment should have to wait for it to escalate before reporting it, especially when escalation can mean violence. You have tried to resolve it, but he refuses to take heed. You are entitled to feeling safe in your workplace, and based on the title of this thread, it doesn't seem like you're feeling safe. 

 

Proflorax makes an excellent point. This is a colleague and this is your workplace (and it's affecting your WORK, like, you feel inclined to refrain from a work meeting in the hopes of avoiding him). If you are at an institution with a Union, I would strongly encourage you to contact a departmental steward or HR-esque rep associated with the Union, today, right now. You can talk to someone like this about what your options are and glean advice without committing to a course of action. Often, people think that engaging with the Union automatically means that you're being adversarial, but there are usually multiple informal steps that they can take with you that don't automatically entail a formal harassment complaint. You want someone like this, outside of your department, to have your back. If you don't have a Union, I would recommend looking at a handbook from your institution (which will likely have a policy/statement re: harassment) and then contact some student affairs person associated with your school of graduate studies (usually, if you look up profiles online, you'll see someone whose job it is to consult confidentially with grad students). Worst case scenario: they can't help you but they can refer you or give advice - you don't lose anything by seeking these people out (unlike having the convo with an adviser, where one might fear "making it weird" indefinitely - not saying that that's "right", just that I sense that hesitation from the OP).

 

As others have said: Not your fault and keep on keeping on with not responding.

 

I would add: Don't be pulled in by his appeals for closure. Closure is a subjective construction and a lie - it allows someone to continue to engage you to say "you haven't given this to me and you OWE it to me" or "you've given me a little of it but not ENOUGH"... Like, what? You keep heaping attention on this guy until he says "when"?

 

Saying "no contact" is enough and a reasonable person respects this as a boundary that you set. It is unreasonable and, frankly, threatening for someone to persistently try to FORCE the situation so that THEY get to (re)negotiate/control the parameters.

 

Good luck and practice self-care OP!

Edited August 4, 2014 by surefire

[St Andrews Lynx]

At my university, the campus police are available to escort you between your work building and home/car if you work late and feel unsafe being alone. That is something you could investigate if the individual is waiting outside the lab for you in the evening. 

 

I would agree with everything that the other posters have said. I'd encourage you not answer to any of this guy's emails. Even innocuous emails about returning books are a way of fishing for attention. When you email him to say "Stop contacting me" it acts as a kind of a stimulus for him - he's got a response out of you. Divert his emails into a separate folder if necessary - don't reply. Yes, he'll get angry. But eventually the anger will burn out without your stimulii. 

 

I'd talk to your advisor now, bringing along the documented evidence to the meeting. You have the right to feel safe in your working environment. 

[TakeruK]

Lots of good advice up there. My school trained us in workplace harassment and this is definitely a work issue, not a personal issue, because it is happening in the workplace. 

 

My advice is to get higher-ups involved as soon as possible. This behaviour is getting very serious and scary and I think it's beyond what a single person should have to deal with on their own (after all, you already told him to stop multiple times but it has not worked). At my school, there are people at the University level to talk to about harassment issues like this. Our school's Title IX Coordinator holds this role but I am not sure it's the same person at all schools. In my opinion, it is definitely time to start taking notes and escalating this. The longer you wait, the longer it will take before the issue can be resolved (and the longer you have to live/work with this harassment). 

 

You don't have to talk to your advisor right away if you don't feel comfortable though. I would get help from someone outside the department first, ideally someone who is trained for these cases, and then get their advice on how to proceed based on what you want to happen / what you're comfortable with.

[seeingeyeduck]

I agree with perhaps pursuing options outside the dept first, but you really should do this soon. Do stop responding to his emails. Any further response just gives him something further to engage with. He sounds a bit delusional - what you say isn't getting through in the way you intended it.

I will say that don't think restraining orders are the end all be all. They are in reality not terribly helpful at times since they can only be enforced after the fact. Sometimes they just antagonize a person without giving the harassed any iota of actual protection. If he was sensitive to what he is SUPPOSED to do, then he wouldn't be doing this stuff in the first place.

Good luck!

[themmases]

There are a lot of potential people you could talk to about this (or not-- I can sympathize with not wanting to bring it up, even though you are in the right), but one of the most important things for you to do is to stop responding to the emails. Even one-sentence responses or "stop contacting me" responses reward this guy, even though they would obviously be disappointing or chastising to a normal person.

 

I have an ex whose messages were very similar to your stalker's. He would try to keep me from talking to my friends about our breakup or really about anything related to him, email me these novella-length messages about his dumb feelings, and alternately tell me I was a horrible person or insist that I owed him continued friendship. This person would go on my Myspace (that was still a thing then) and get offended by the titles of songs I said I was listening to, as though they were veiled messages to him. That's why I say no responses, no matter how short: people like this treat even the most brief, innocuous contact or even non-contact as a reward for their behavior and an opportunity for insight into your thoughts and feelings. This person did escalate to physically hurting me (although not seriously injuring me) in a public place before I cut off contact-- that's how angry he was, or how normal he believed his behavior was. And this person still tries to contact me sometimes, 8 years after we dated for a month and a half. But the frequency is down to yearly instead of daily, because I blocked him. I believe you should take this situation very seriously.

 

If you have to do any work with this person, I think it's a good idea to tell your PI because he is basically a coworker. Otherwise, you risk having to share this story (which unfortunately not everyone is understanding about) as an excuse for not returning your labmate's emails, trying to regain credibility instead of bringing it up on your own terms and knowing what you want to say. Just set up a filter for the emails so you don't delete them but you also don't have to see them. You can ignore them completely or just check them occasionally to keep an eye on the situation, whatever makes you feel safer.

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It isn't remotely your fault. If abusers were easy to spot, no one would be abused.

[victorydance]

I get your point victorydance. It is a really blurry line. At what point is it too far? I don't think there is a right answer to that really. It has been around a month since the weekend that we talked alot. I have not initiated contact with him a single time since then (obviously!) and he sends me about 3 emails a week now. Usually one is something like "hey, can I get that book back that I let you use a long time ago", one is angry, and one is basically him saying that he cannot possibly move on until I at least just answer this one thing for him. For the first type, I ignore them or answer with something very short like "I'll bring it tomorrow." For the angry emails, I either send no response or respond by telling him to stop sending me nasty emails. For the third type, I guess my response depends on what it is. If he says that I have been playing him that he thinks its ridiculus that I havent even apologized then I'll say something like "Look, we talked for 3 days. Please stop emailing me about your feelings." Sometimes he isn't as creepy and just seems genuinely sad which makes me feel bad and I will give a short answer. I agree with everyone above that I probably just need to ignore ALL emails, no matter the content and see if he gets the hint after a few weeks (though its doubtful, since my ignoring them seems to make him more angry).

 

The only real threat that he has given was over the weekend. His words: "if I hear you talk about this stuff with anyone in the biophysics department, he will be getting an earful as well as many other people." By "he", he was refering to my fiance. I am not that concerned about his threat... my fiance knows whats going on. He has not given any threats about my safety. In that same email he said "What do you think? 2-3 years before you fuck some other guy behind his back??? Don't ever talk to me again." I have not seen him since this email but it was angry enough that I honestly feel at least slightly worried to go to lab meeting tomorrow.

 

I agree it is a blurry line, especially for us because we don't know the intricate details of the situation, only you do. 

 

However, I think it's important to point out that you need to cut off all communication completely. That means no replies, no nothing. Think of the situation kind of like a bully, if they see you get annoyed or a rise out of their behaviour, it will continue.

 

There is a chance that if you completely ignore him, he will stop. All I was really saying is that out of the possible scenarios - this is best case scenario.

 

If it becomes clear that he isn't stopping if you cut off all communication completely, then you need to weight other options.

 

I agree with the general sentiment that reaching out to someone outside of the department as a first step is probably the next best scenario. I don't know who that person would be, but you should find that out.

 

The reason why I don't think going to your adviser as a first or primary course of action is because that really isn't his job and can actually complicate things more. As soon as you bring him into the situation then it becomes a greater web into your professional sphere. And yes, this is a workplace situation, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you need to get authorities/supervisors involved in it if it's not necessary. There are prejudices and things that complicate these matters that could make things more sticky for you, which isn't fair but it is the reality. 

 

So basically: cut off all contact, don't reply to his emails, don't acknowledge him whatsoever in person > see how he reacts > weight your options from there. 

[WriteAndKnit]

If his behavior is making it difficult for you to focus in the lab, it's a workplace matter and your advisor should know. In the chance that this guy is listening to your conversations with others (when you're both in the lab), I'd ask to meet privately with your advisor about your research. 

 

I'd also check with the women's center at your university; they may know of individuals in the campus or local police departments who you can contact, whether that's this week or next month. They'll likely have other resources for you too, like knowledge about an escort service or advice that isn't victim-blamey.

 

Good luck. It's not your fault, none of it, at all.

[RunnerGrad]

Definitely contact campus police or campus security. They may have a file on this guy already, and if they get a second, or third, or whatever complaint about him, they may be able to do something. His behaviour is definitely not normal, and you should take steps to protect yourself, which includes contacting campus police/security. I would also suggest speaking with whomever is responsible for enforcing the student code of conduct at your university. Finally, the counselling centre could also be a very useful resource.

[geographyrocks]

One idea is to google your school's name and harassment. At my school, we have the Office of Equal Opportunity. Any complaint of sexual harassment or a complaint about a hostile work environment (which you have both in my opinion) goes through them. You can also just contact them for advice on whether to file a complaint. It's definitely something worth checking out.

Good luck!

[iphi]

There is a lot of good advice on this thread and I really can not add much to it. What I do want to say may be a little alarmist, so I apologize for that. I swear I am not trying to freak you out, but I do want to stress the urgency of you telling someone RIGHT NOW. I don't know if you remember the story of Annie Le. This was about 5 years ago, and she was a grad student at Yale who was murdered by a lab tech (don't know her back story with him, but she was also engaged to someone else).

 

If this guy is waiting outside the lab for you, and is sending you extremely volatile emails especially with different shifts in mood, I say it's time to get help. You don't have to go to your advisor, but HR (or whatever it is at your school/department) or the cops or someone needs to be notified soon.

 

eta: also if this guy is 20 years older than you I think that's a warning sign. He should be mature enough to handle things by the age of (I'm assuming) 40+.

Edited August 5, 2014 by iphi

[bsharpe269]

Thanks so much for all of the support on here guys! It helps to get others perspective because when you are in the situation, it is really easy to feel like you are being too dramatic.

 

After talking to my fiance and family some more about this, in addition to all of your comments, I decided to reach out to my PI. HR may have been a better choice but since I know him and trust him, I felt safest going to him. I emailed him, without details, just letting him know that I was dealing with a harressment issue in the lab and would like to set up a confidential meeting. He responded back very quickly that he was very glad that I contacted him and had no idea that anything was going on and that this would not be tolerated in the program and especially not in the lab. We have a meeting set up for tomorrow morning and he is encouraging me to loop in someone else in the deparment who knows alot about HR policies. Whew, I feel so much better, like a huge weight has been lifted off. Thanks so much and I will keep you guys updated!

[ProfLorax]

Thanks so much for all of the support on here guys! It helps to get others perspective because when you are in the situation, it is really easy to feel like you are being too dramatic.

 

After talking to my fiance and family some more about this, in addition to all of your comments, I decided to reach out to my PI. HR may have been a better choice but since I know him and trust him, I felt safest going to him. I emailed him, without details, just letting him know that I was dealing with a harressment issue in the lab and would like to set up a confidential meeting. He responded back very quickly that he was very glad that I contacted him and had no idea that anything was going on and that this would not be tolerated in the program and especially not in the lab. We have a meeting set up for tomorrow morning and he is encouraging me to loop in someone else in the deparment who knows alot about HR policies. Whew, I feel so much better, like a huge weight has been lifted off. Thanks so much and I will keep you guys updated!

I'm really happy that you have a community of support, both online and offline! And I'm especially happy that you contacted someone on campus. Ultimately, the best person for you to contact is the person you feel most comfortable talking to, and it's great that that person is your PI. Good luck, and like others have suggested, definitely invest some time and energy into self-care! 

[Munashi]

Thanks so much for all of the support on here guys! It helps to get others perspective because when you are in the situation, it is really easy to feel like you are being too dramatic.

 

After talking to my fiance and family some more about this, in addition to all of your comments, I decided to reach out to my PI. HR may have been a better choice but since I know him and trust him, I felt safest going to him. I emailed him, without details, just letting him know that I was dealing with a harressment issue in the lab and would like to set up a confidential meeting. He responded back very quickly that he was very glad that I contacted him and had no idea that anything was going on and that this would not be tolerated in the program and especially not in the lab. We have a meeting set up for tomorrow morning and he is encouraging me to loop in someone else in the deparment who knows alot about HR policies. Whew, I feel so much better, like a huge weight has been lifted off. Thanks so much and I will keep you guys updated!

 

If you're comfortable, keep us posted.  I really hope this resolves as painlessly as possible for you, dude.  Stay safe!

[bsharpe269]

My PI is seriously amazing! I brought a condensed version of our coorespondance with all of the worst moments and he was very troubled and took this very seriously. He said that on the scale of benign annoying crush to full blown assult that this is much closer to the assult side that he is playing on the borderline of expulsion. He said that putting that aside, he is unsure of whether he will be able continue working with the harrasser since he does not want anyone with that sort of character in his lab and making other students nervous. That really made me feel great. Especially since the harrasser if by far, the smartest, most knowledgeable guy in the lab and I know he is a huge asset to my PI. Also, he is a PhD student while I am an MS student so part of me worried that if my PI had to choose, the choice would be obvious. He said that legally he must involve his supervisor which he thinks needs to be done anyway to make sure this situation is handled properly. Since my PI will be out of town for the next couple weeks, he asked that I work from home during that time and that I forward him any correspondance that I get from the guy. He even told me that he didn't sleep at all last night out of worry about this situation and that he has been wondering why I seemed more reserved than usual over the past few weeks.

 

I feel so supported by people on here, my family, my department and especially my PI. I know that alot of women feel alone in these situations and I feel so lucky that I have had the exact opposite experience, with everyone in my life jumping my side to protect me.