Advice needed: family versus research

[wavebaby]

I am a PhD student in molecular biology, and thusly spend my summers doing research and training undergrads. I am already leaving for almost a whole week in July to be in my best friend's wedding (but will only be 2 hours away so will be coming back to check cell culture, etc... just not getting any research done).

Here is my dilemma: My beloved grandmother has been in an out of the hospital for the past few months and isn't doing well. My family is planning to drive halfway across the country to visit her for a week, for perhaps the last time that any of us will see her alive. The week they are going is two weeks after my best friend's wedding. I told my family I wasn't sure if I could go, because I was already missing a week for the wedding. They seemed to understand, but i am filled with guilt. I mentioned the dilemma to my PI, who said that if it were her, she would not be doing any of it, but that she certainly wasn't going to kick me out of the lab for missing two separate weeks in July. She suggested video chat with my family and grandmother while they were visiting.

What would you do? Stay in the lab while my family visits my grandmother, and set up a video chat? Or do I put family first on all accounts and visit my grandmother with my family? Any other suggestions?

[lotf629]

I would try to do the following:

1) Explain the situation to my best friend and cut my involvement in her wedding to less than a full week. I have been maid of honor twice, and both times I managed to fulfill my obligations during the week of the actual event in two or three days, tops. Tell the person that you can make the rehearsal, the rehearsal dinner, and the wedding (including all day-of events such as the reception, etc.) but that you'll have to miss the rest of the events. If you're throwing a bachelorette party, do it after work. You may not be able to get a 60 or 70 hour lab week in, but you ought to be able to get a 40 or 50 hour week in, and still be a participant in all the really crucial wedding events. I would try not to take more than a day off work for this event.

2) Fly out to see my grandmother for two to three days. Bag lunch or whatever to save money for the ticket. If your family can swing it, I would ask them to pitch in and share the cost of the plane ticket on the grounds that I can't take enough time off to make the drive.

3) Sit down with my supervisor and explain that I have to make at least an appearance at both events but that I will be working extra on dates x, y, and z in order to keep up my contribution.

In short, I don't think either of these events are all-or-nothing. With some creativity and a willingness to work long weeks, you should be able to make at least a symbolic appearance at both important events and still keep up your productivity.

[Minnesotan]

Video chat with dying grandmother, eh? Nice advisor.

I would do what you feel right doing. It's the summer, it's your family, and it's not like you're choosing to spend a week drunk in Cancun -- you're visiting a dying relative! I realize the hard sciences are a less caring place to be than my home in the humanities, but let's get real: a person is going to take a couple of days to visit a close relative who has been hospitalized.

I do agree with the previous poster, though, that you should try to cut both commitments down a bit, in order to show your advisor you take your lab responsibilities seriously. Four days is more time than a wedding requires, anyway.

[purplepepper]

I also think that you need to fly out to see your grandmother....guilt is unforgiving in that way. If this is your last chance that's it right? I just have 2 things to add. Before my grandmother died, my family and I went out to see her, but my sister just happened to be in Europe for the week and never saw her again. That's a hard thing to live with.

My dad too, was in a kind of unforgiving job as for takign time off, but whenever one of his collegue's relatives was gravely ill, without fail, they would be absent from work for a few days. Him too before his mother (my other grandmother) died.

So the point is, as Minnesotan pointed out, it's not like you are getting drunk in Cancun, these are very important events in one's life where work should rightly take the backseat. You have the rest of your life to work you know.

[cupcake_phd]

your advisor is ridiculous. go visit your dying grandmother. you will regret it if you don't. maybe fly there and back if your advisor is desperate to have you back.

[wavebaby]

Thanks everyone for the advice! Just putting my dilemma out there was cathartic enough to allow clear thinking, and was able to consider the compromises that might allow me to make everyone happy. I talked to my best friend, who understands completely that I will only be able to make some of the events, but not all- allows me to only miss two days instead of 4 (other wonderful, understanding bridesmaids are taking over the bachelorette party for me).

I am looking into cheap flights to make it out for a few days to visit my grandmother, but am not sure if I can find anything that I will be able to afford- I know that my parents will not be able to lend me the money to do it, so I might just have to charge it and pay it off over time... or pick up an extra half teaching assistantship to cover it. I am going to wait until next month to make a final decision about the flight depending on how stable my grandmother's health is- money will be a bit better after the fall semester starts back up.

Update: My advisor was in a much better mood today, and mentioned that if I decided to miss fewer days over the wedding week that should would be willing to mentor the undergrads I am training while I am out of town, and it would be feasible to miss a couple of days (but not the full week) during the time that my family was planning to visit my grandmother. Hurrah.

[lotf629]

Sounds like you handled it really well, wavebaby. Glad to hear your supervisor's coming around.

[Minnesotan]

That makes me feel a lot better for you -- I was worried you were stuck with a total ass for an advisor. I was dumbfounded at the callousness inherent in the first response.