Another "Critique my SOP"

[Alicia1593]

Hello everyone!  

I'd really appreciate any advice or critiques about my SOP.  It's currently 21 words over the Rutger's requirement of 500 words or less, so advice on how to pare it down without losing content would be greatly appreciated.  I'm just going to copy and paste it here to save everyone from having to download a file and hopefully people will be more likely to read it as well.   I have received some advice to include information about my methodology training but I am obviously out of room for such information.

Questions about women’s healthcare in today’s society deeply interest me. For this reason I intend to research the history of women’s healthcare in the United States. My senior honors thesis project examines abortion practices post Roe v. Wade. This topic is couched within the political current discourse politics surrounding questions of the morality and how women should be allowed to access, birth control, abortion, and information about their sexual and reproductive health. Its relevance to my own life as a woman in America informs my interest in this topic. I believe that studying at Rutgers will best
facilitate the skills I need to investigate this important issue.

 

Specifically, my project examines whether or not Roe v. Wade made abortion any more practically accessible for women.  I am curious if Roe vs. Wade actually allowed more women to obtain legal abortions.  For this project I will draw on statistical data and first-hand accounts of activists who helped women access abortions found at the archives at UIC. In this project, accessibility will have a two pronged working definition. Firstly, accessibility is defined financially. Namely, ability to get to a clinic, hospital, or doctor’s office, the ability to pay for the procedure itself, and any associated after care that may have been necessary.  Secondly, accessibility is defined in permission of access. Parental permission and the permission of a woman’s husband, as well as a doctor willing to perform the abortion were needed to procure an abortion, even though it was federally legal.

 

My studies at UIUC have  prepared me to perform well at the graduate level, and in this specific sub-field. One of the first classes that sparked my interests in abortion was Women and Gender in Medieval Europe.  The class briefly studied the ways that women of the time believed produced abortion, both through early surgeries and herbal concoctions.  The second class was Gender, health, and Popular culture, a section of this class examined the history of American women traveling to foreign countries to obtain abortions.
 

Rutgers is an ideal place for me to gain the skills necessary to make a career out of scrutinizing the recent history of abortion access.  In particular, the work of Johanna Schoen would help me expand my own interests.  The variation in interests of history faculty at Rutgers will strengthen my research by allowing me to examine abortion from different historical angles, including the medical procedure itself, policy surrounding abortion, and women’s healthcare. The wide breadth of history subfields at Rutgers, coupled with strong support available to graduate students provides a foundation on which I can make a solid contribution to abortion’s historiography.

 

Over course of my undergraduate career I dealt with the effects of clinical depression and anxiety. These health issues affected my grade point average, but I have worked diligently to overcome these setbacks. Since the summer semester before my senior year I have regained the academic rigor representative of my educational goals. This is evidenced by my participation in the history honors program, my presiding as President of the UIUC Phi Alpha Theta chapter, and with my thesis research efforts.

 

[Dedi]

For the second paragraph, you can probably cut the second sentence, otherwise it sounds redundant.

[Alicia1593]

Thanks!

[ashiepoo72]

I'm also applying to PhD programs in history so I'm not an expert on getting in, but I've worked as a writing tutor for several years so hopefully this helps.

I'd go through each sentence looking for redundant words and phrases (for example, you say things like "my project," "for this project" and "in this project" pretty frequently). Also, minor detail but you switch between "Roe v. Wade" and "Roe vs. Wade."

Some words can be cut out if you remove the passive verbs ("my studies at UIUC prepared me..."). Active verbs sound better, too.

Third paragraph, you say "women of the time believed produced abortion," but I think you mean something like women of the time practiced abortion or something like that. In the same paragraph, instead of "in the second class..." You could say something like "Another class, Gender, Health and Popular Culture, examined the history of..." To cut out some words and make it less confusing.

I would personally change the order of your last 2 paragraphs. It's important to explain hardships that affected your undergrad career, but I think it's not a good idea to end on a note where you're explaining things that held you back. It's important to end on a strong note, and talking about how you fit the department is a good way of doing that.

Best of luck

[Alicia1593]

Definitely helpful!

Here's what it looks like now:
 

Questions about women’s healthcare in today’s society deeply interest me as an American woman during a historical moment in which women’s right to healthcare is being hotly contested. My current research examines abortion practices post Roe v. Wade. This topic is couched within the political current discourse politics surrounding questions of the morality and how women should be allowed to access, birth control, abortion, and information about their sexual and reproductive health.  I am currently working on my thesis and because it is not yet complete, my writing sample exhibits work done on a separate topic from a seminar class. I believe that studying at Rutgers will best facilitate the skills I need to investigate this important issue.

Specifically, the question I am interested in for my senior honors thesis examines whether or not Roe v. Wade made abortion any more practically accessible for women.  This project will draw on statistical data and first-hand accounts of activists who helped women access abortions found at the UIC archives. Accessibility will have a two pronged working definition in this thesis. Firstly, accessibility is defined financially. Namely, ability to get to a clinic, hospital, or doctor’s office, the ability to pay for the procedure itself, and any associated after care.  Secondly, accessibility is defined in permission of access. Parental permission and the permission of a woman’s husband, as well as a doctor willing to perform the abortion were needed to procure an abortion, even though it was federally legal.

Studying at UIUC prepared me to perform well at the graduate level, and in this specific sub-field. One of the first classes that sparked my interests in abortion was Women and Gender in Medieval Europe.  The class briefly studied the ways that women practiced abortion, both through early surgeries and herbal concoctions.  Another class was Gender, health, and Popular culture, a section of this class examined the history of American women traveling to foreign countries to obtain abortions.
Over course of my undergraduate career I dealt with the effects of clinical depression and anxiety. These health issues affected my grade point average, but I have worked diligently to overcome these setbacks. Since the summer semester before my senior year I have regained the academic rigor representative of my educational goals. This is evidenced by my participation in the history honors program, my presiding as President of the UIUC Phi Alpha Theta chapter, and with my thesis research efforts.
Rutgers is an ideal place for me to gain the skills necessary to make a career out of scrutinizing the recent history of abortion access.  In particular, the work of Johanna Schoen, Rachel Devlin, and Jennifer Mittlestadt are of interest to me.  The variation in interests of history faculty at Rutgers will strengthen my research by allowing me to examine abortion from different historical angles, including the medical procedure itself, policy surrounding abortion, and women’s healthcare. The wide breadth of history subfields at Rutgers, coupled with strong support available to graduate students provides a foundation on which I can make a solid contribution to abortion’s historiography.

[Cleven]

I'll be honest, your "hook" is boring:

 

"Questions about women’s healthcare in today’s society deeply interest me as an American woman during a historical moment in which women’s right to healthcare is being hotly contested. "

 

It's too general, a bit awkward, and not very interesting. There's nothing about this sentence that grabs my attention, in fact, if I was a profession reading 500 applications, I'd probably not remember yours well enough to even consider it. What you need is more "spunk". Why in the world does this interest you, Alicia? I'm a woman too, but this topic doesn't interest me (well, more than any other topic in modern American history), but why did this catch your eye?

 

What you need is to go a bit more personal. Dig a bit deeper. Don't just talk about the history, hook it in with who you are and why these professions locked in the back room should chose you for their graduate program.

[abitstartled]

Cleven's advice might work for other programs, but you do not need elaborate hooks for PhD program applications. Please don't get personal. The statement of purpose is about explaining your research interests and goals, not interrogating your personal history.

I would be more concerned about clumsy writing. I don't know what "political current discourse politics" means, and I would watch out for unnecessary words and awkward phrasing. For example,

Specifically, the question I am interested in for my senior honors thesis examines whether or not Roe v. Wade made abortion any more practically accessible for women.

Could be

Specifically, my thesis examines if Roe v. Wade made abortion any more practically available for women.

[Plissken]

Hello Alicia, here are some suggestions for your updated draft. I've underlined things I've added or changed, and struckthrough things I believe should be cut. My own comments are in [blue]. Some of the changes are grammatical in nature, and some are just stylistic suggestions, but most are areas where I think you could cut words or tighten up sentences and paragraphs to make them more impactful. Generally speaking, it's best to avoid adverbs as they don't add substance to the writing and instead just fluff it up.

 

 

Definitely helpful!

Here's what it looks like now:
 

Questions about Women’s healthcare in today’s society deeply interests me as an American woman during a historical moment in which women’s right to healthcare is being hotly contested. My current research examines abortion practices post Roe v. Wade. This topic is couched within the political current discourse politics [maybe it's because this is not my field, but "political current disourse politics" sounds awkward to me. Consider replacing with fewer words, like "current political discourse"?] surrounding questions of the morality and how women's should be allowed to access, to birth control, abortion, and information about their sexual and reproductive health.  I am currently working on my thesis and because it is not yet complete, my writing sample exhibits work done on a separate topic from a seminar class.  [make a note of this at the beginning of your writing sample instead of wasting words mentioning it here] I believe that studying at Rutgers will best facilitate the skills I need to investigate this important issue. [this is a given--otherwise, you would not be applying]

 

Specifically, the question I am interested in for My senior honors thesis examines whether or not Roe v. Wade made abortion any more practically accessible for women.  This project will draw on statistical data and first-hand accounts of activists who helped women access abortions found at the UIC archives. [rephrase this sentence so the part about the UIC Archives comes after the part about statistical data and firsthand accounts, otherwise it makes it sound like the women got abortions at UIC Archives! Obviously a reader will know this isn't what you mean, but this type of sentence structure doesn't make for good writing] In this thesis, accessibility will have a two pronged working definition: in this thesis. Firstly, accessibility is defined financially -- Namely, ability to get to a clinic, hospital, or doctor’s office, the ability to pay for the procedure itself, and any associated after care -- and.  Secondly, accessibility is defined in permission of access -- .  parental permission and the permission of a woman’s husband, as well as a doctor willing to perform the abortion were needed to procure an abortion, even though it was federally legal.

 

Studying at UIUC prepared me to perform well at the graduate level, and in this specific sub-field. One of the first classes that sparked my interests in abortion was Women and Gender in Medieval Europe, which .  The class briefly studied the ways that women practiced abortion, both through early surgeries and herbal concoctions.  Another class was Gender, Health, and Popular Culture, a section of this class which examined the history of American women traveling to foreign countries to obtain abortions.

Over the course of my undergraduate career I dealt with the effects of clinical depression and anxiety. These health issues affected my grade point average GPA, but I have worked diligently to overcome these setbacks. Since the summer semester before my senior year I have regained the academic rigor representative of my educational goals. This is evidenced by my participation have participated in the history honors program, my presiding as become President of the UIUC Phi Alpha Theta chapter, and with my engaged in thesis research efforts.

Rutgers is an the ideal place for me to gain the skills necessary to make a career out of scrutinizing scrutinize the recent history of abortion access.  In particular, the work of Johanna Schoen, Rachel Devlin, and Jennifer Mittlestadt are  is of interest to me.  The variation in range of interests of history faculty [you are applying for a history program--naturally, you are referring to faculty from the history department, not some other department] at Rutgers will strengthen my research by allowing me to examine abortion from different historical angles, including the medical procedure itself, policy surrounding abortion, and women’s healthcare. The wide breadth of history subfields at Rutgers, coupled with strong support available to graduate students, provides a foundation on which I can make a solid contribution contribute to abortion’s historiography.

Edited November 10, 2014 by Plissken