Absolutely sick over my applications... opinions?

[drownsoda]

First off, I have to say THANK GOD for this forum. I was on College Confidential talking to people and trying to get advice, but that site is made up mostly of rich kids in private high schools talking about their twenty different extracurriculars and how many AP courses they were in— basically, they had no advice for me.

 

Here's my deal: I am graduating with my B.A. this winter from a public university in the Northwest— it's a decent school, but nothing super esteemed. I am currently applying to graduate programs for English, and I am really bad at gauging what my options are, realistically, so I was wondering if some of you could weigh in.

I anticipate to graduate with an overall GPA of 3.8, and around a 3.9 in my major GPA.

I took my GRE in November and did awful on the math (145), but I scored 159 in verbal reasoning, and scored 5 on my analytical writing section, which I've been told are both above average scores. As far as extra curriculars are concerned, I don't have a whole lot as I mostly worked nights throughout my time as an undergrad waiting tables— didn't have a lot of time for ECs.

That said, I did have a three month internship in the writing center at a local community college where I tutored college students, so I have that under my belt (worked with a lot of ELL students and others who just needed general help with academic writing). I also did unrelated volunteer work in high school doing errands for the elderly and things like that. This fall I completed an internship at a local farm teaching kids about sustainability and farming practices, but it was in correspondence with my university capstone requirements.

I have three letters of recommendation from people I'm comfortable with— one from a hard-ass of a professor who I took several classes with my junior and senior years, who I felt I learned most from out of me entire academic career. I sought him for a letter before any of the others because he pushed me a lot with my writing, but I did extremely well in his classes; he told me to rest assured that he would write me a very strong recommendation. My second letter is coming from the leader of the writing center where I was an intern. I worked with him for three months and he was a good mentor for me when it came to the art of "teaching" how to write. My last letter is coming from my capstone course instructor, who I sought because I wanted to have one of the letters in my application come from someone outside my main field for the sake of objectivity I suppose. She was a great professor and a really positive influence.

I have chipped away at my statement of purpose over the past five months. In it, I have lightly outlined my academic career, what I'm interested in in the field of literature and how I came to be interested in that, and briefly addressed my future goals.

All this considered, I am having a difficult time trying to gauge what I should be expecting with the stats/story I have. It may be absurd of me, but I don't really feel compelled to attend graduate school unless I can get into a solid program— I feel like going into a mediocre program is simply not worth my time or money. That said, I'm not banking on Harvard or Columbia or anything like that— I think I'm somewhat realistic, but you tell me. I am applying at the University of Washington, NYU, Fordham, and my current university (which I'm not even sure I'd want attend for grad school if I did get in). I know that NYU is probably a stretch, but I really have fallen in love with Fordham and am wondering if I have a fighting chance at their program. UW seems feasible, but still not necessarily easy to gain admittance to. I looked up Fordham's stats and the average GRE verbal score from their English department was 161, while the average writing score was 4 for M.A. students and 4.5 for PhD students, which seemed surprisingly low to me— I scored a 5, so that makes me feel a bit better.

In all honesty, I am worried sick about this and am not sure I can deal with the next several months waiting to hear back from these schools. I feel like my entire future is hanging in the balance and I literally can't stop thinking about it.

There is a gap on my transcript in which I took a year off from school which bothers me a bit— I had cancer, but I didn't want to flat out say that in my statement of purpose, so I just acknowledged in a sentence that I had to take a year off from school due to a "serious illness." I avoided bringing that into the equation because I felt like it would be tacky and sympathy-seeking, but I had to acknowledge the year long gap in my records somehow.

Basically, I'm just unsure of myself and don't feel totally privy to what I should be reaching for in terms of graduate programs, or what realistic goals are for me. I have gotten some emails from the University of Chicago, USC, and Claremont asking me to apply to their programs (I believe this is because of my GRE scores being put out there by ETS), and my friends and family are confident in my applications because of this, but I am so unsure of myself it's absurd.

I know this is totally tl;dr, but I'm curious as to what other people would say based on this information. Are the schools I'm applying to totally out of reach? Is my head in the clouds on these? Like I said, I'd die to get into Fordham, but I'm not holding my breath on any of them because I don't really know what I'm worth to these schools. I am trying to pick one last program to apply to that I know is within my reach (Fordham and NYU are stretches I think), but I can't narrow it down, and deadlines are approaching.
 

If you took the time to read this incoherent rambling, by the way, you are my hero!

[hreaðemus]

Hi drownsoda!

 

First off, I would absolutely recommend poking around the English Literature/Rhetoric subforum for a sense of past accepted applicant scores/profiles and the universities they ended up attending. We've got a great little community going on there, and I'm sure lots of people would be happy to share their perspective. Second, you are NOT ALONE in feeling inadequate - most of us are nervous too, and pretty much everyone's got a bit of imposter syndrome. But don't let that stop you!

 

In terms of your chances, I don't know that this forum will be able to give you an answer - I'd recommend sitting down with one of your undergraduate professors and sharing these thoughts, honestly. My undergraduate mentor was INCREDIBLY helpful in giving me a list of programs she thought would be appropriate for me, helping me to assemble my application materials, and so on - she even offered advice on filling out the forms, when I asked! There's really no substitute for professional expertise, so I would encourage you to go to your someone you trust at your school.

 

If your GRE scores and GPA are in line with the program you're applying to, then it's really a matter of making sure you put together a strong writing sample, statement of purpose, and letters of rec. Decent scores will get you considered, but your other materials will convince the admissions committee to actually let you IN. To be frank, 159 is a fairly average score for most English majors; it is not BAD, but it will likely be a neutral rather than a strongly positive feature of your application. As such, you will want to focus on your strengths, whatever you feel those to be - your prose, your research, your passion. 

 

In terms of your illness, I think that a.) it's not uncommon to take a leave of academic absence during a personal crisis, and b.) that it would be perfectly appropriate to address that crisis, briefly, in your statement of purpose. Showing that you can endure and come back strong in the face of personal hardship will only make you a stronger candidate - and no one is going to penalize you for being extremely ill! 

 

If I were you, I would ask for advice from your professors, and then choose a few schools that seem a.) within or slightly above the reach of your scores (don't sell yourself short!), and b.) that make your HEART feel good. This is a labor of love; none of us (humanities students, that is) are in it for the money, and none of us can expect the journey to be without roadblocks. Choose schools that you admire and feel good about, do your best, and see what happens!

 

Welcome to the forum, and best of luck.

[Academicat]

Oh drownsoda. We all think we're the only ones who feel the way you're feeling now, but the truth is, you're brilliant and capable, and we all have these imposter-syndrome crisis of confidence moments. Your credentials are more than acceptable. I echo the advice of the poster above - check out the lit/comp/rhet subforum, and use your networks for advice and support.

 

The waiting is torture, but while you wait, read happy books, get lost in your video games, binge watch something bright and cheerful on Netflix, and spend time with people who are important to you to pass the time. It will be okay.

[queennight]

Hi drownsoda!

 

I echo exactly what hreaðemus says. Come join the English lit forum - it's provided me with so many resources, I really couldn't have made it through the application season without the friendly advice from everyone over there. Your GPA sounds incredible, and I don't think there's any real concern with any of your materials! As you clearly say yourself, you have done a ton of work compiling everything - now it's just about destressing and waiting everything out.

 

The problem with English Literature as a graduate area of study is that so much is left to chance: half the time (you've probably seen from perusing different threads), excellent applicants are glossed over because their interests simply don't fit with what a department's resources are capable of handling. The discipline is still young and relatively subjective, so a lot of this can be left up to chance. With all of that being said, there's no reason to fear that you won't get in somewhere - your GPA is excellent (I remember reading somewhere that most grad school cGPA averages were around 3.3-3.6, so at a 3.8 outside your major, you're very strong!) and it sounds like you have a strong drive and passion for what it is that you do.

 

Your head isn't in the clouds! There's no reason to not try. You should be exceptionally proud of yourself for braving the horrific couple months of preparing applications (a nightmare of GREs, writing samples, PSs, etc.). Once your applications are in, the purgatory definitely will set in. It sounds like you've got a lot of anxiety right now (don't we all), but at the least, you should be incredibly proud of having completed this process. There are a lot of people who simply balk after seeing the amount of material that an English PhD-wannabe has to prepare to apply to a significant number of schools.

 

More importantly, I'd keep in mind that there's always going to be a second opportunity. Even if you don't get in this round (devastating, sure, but hundreds of people go through this as well!), you can always choose to take a year off and re-apply, or maybe go into a Plan B discipline somewhere else with your English degree (teaching, law, marketing, advertising, PR, HR, freelancing, all come to mind). You will be okay. We all will be okay. I can hear the somewhat frantic anxiety in your post (trust me, we're all going through the same thing!) but at the end of the day, a bunch of decisions made at one moment will not make or break you. If this is what you really want to do, you can always try again. As I am an English major, I'll throw a quote at you right now: "To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again." - Ralph Waldo Emerson. Sometimes it takes a couple of times to get the ball fully into the basket, and there's no shame in picking yourself up and trying again. In fact, I think that it proves you have an indomitable will and courage that greatly exceeds that of the ordinary individual.

 

Anyways, if all of that positivity fails to help destress you, there's also always alcohol.

[drownsoda]

I appreciate all of the encouraging words, you all. I will drop into the lit./rhetoric forum this week. I (like all of us) am just a huge critic of myself and have a problem of constantly second guessing my ability. 

 

As far as applying to programs that "make my heart soar," that's essentially what I'm doing, but I've been as realistic about it as possible, and there are only three of them that I feel truly compelled to apply to. I originally was going to apply to the program at my current university, but I withdrew my application midway through because a.) I felt like I could do better, or at least attempt at doing better, and b.), It simply doesn't seem worthwhile to me. While I've had some great professors there, their English program is not that great, especially grad studies. I just feel like it's time for me to move on, and I don't think I would be happy there because I'd always be asking myself, "Could I have done better than this?" At least if I apply to these other programs, I won't have that "What could have been..." to deal with.

 

I tried to apply to programs that may be reaches for me in some ways, but I'm happy with the Statements of Purpose and I trust my professors who have written my recommendation letters, so it's simply the best I can do right now. My GRE scores are okay (as someone pointed out, my verbal is not stellar for an English program, but I'm proud of my writing score). I'm at where I'm at I guess, and that's how it is.

 

I'm incredulous enough to know that the thought of getting into a school like Stanford or Columbia is insane for me, and I refused to fill out applications for the U. of Chicago and Claremont even though they sent me letters asking to apply. I figure NYU is the biggest reach for me, with Fordham second and U. Washington third. Like I mentioned, the prospect of Fordham sets me on fire, but I don't want that feeling to be transmuted into some subconscious self-assurance that I'll get into their program, because that will only set me up for major disappointment if I don't. That said, their acceptance rate for their M.A. program is cut to a 52%, so I'm telling myself that I at least have as good of a fighting chance as anyone else.

 

At this point I'm sort of wondering if it's best to just make the assumption that I'll get rejected by all, or maybe that'll send out some bad energy? Who knows?

 

Thanks for the words of support though, everyone. We're all the same boat. Like you said, this is a labor of love— damn right it is.

Edited December 17, 2014 by drownsoda

[bsharpe269]

I'm incredulous enough to know that the thought of getting into a school like Stanford or Columbia is insane for me, and I refused to fill out applications for the U. of Chicago and Claremont even though they sent me letters asking to apply. I figure NYU is the biggest reach for me, with Fordham second and U. Washington third. Like I mentioned, the prospect of Fordham sets me on fire, but I don't want that feeling to be transmuted into some subconscious self-assurance that I'll get into their program, because that will only set me up for major disappointment if I don't. That said, their acceptance rate for their M.A. program is cut to a 52%, so I'm telling myself that I at least have as good of a fighting chance as anyone else.

 

 

Apply where you want to go... remember, you only need to get into 1 great program! Even though I am in a different field, I say this as someone who went into this process thinking that I would be rejected accross the board. My uGPA is 3.28 and I even have 2 Ds on my undergrad transcript. I have been kicking butt in my MS, trying to make up for it but still thinking that it will hold me back. Guess what!? I already have 2 interviews and I havent even finished applying yet! This is beyond what I think I deserve or what I thought I would get. You have nothing to lose by applying so go for it and see what happens.

[HesseBunuel90]

I would suggest two things drown soda; apply to more than 3 or 4 schools (I applied to 17) and try for fully funded programs (the Fordham MA wouldn't be). While 159 isn't amazing, it is only a point below the competitive score of 160. It still is in the 80s for percentile, and if you have original ideas for research, and find a program that fits, your score will be irrelevant.

[drownsoda]

I would suggest two things drown soda; apply to more than 3 or 4 schools (I applied to 17) and try for fully funded programs (the Fordham MA wouldn't be). While 159 isn't amazing, it is only a point below the competitive score of 160. It still is in the 80s for percentile, and if you have original ideas for research, and find a program that fits, your score will be irrelevant.

 

I have considered applying to a couple more, but 1) I have had trouble finding a school that I feel is a good fit AND that is feasible for me to get into; and 2) I literally can't afford that many applications right now. If I get my loan disbursement for my last term, which I should on December 26th, I might try to squeeze in a couple more applications before the January deadlines, but that's all depending.

 

The problem with finding fully-funded English programs is that your stats have to be essentially flawless in order to get into the schools where funding is a possibility, and I'm not good enough for that. The Fordham program does provide funding, but you have to submit before the early deadline (January 3rd) which is what I'm doing. I believe you can apply before the April deadline as well, but if you apply after January 3rd, you won't be considered for funding whatsoever.