For those who are married

[MidwesternAloha]

How involved is your spouse in your grad school decisions? Have they visited any programs with you? Simply curious.

[Eigen]

When I applied (back in the dark ages), my wife visited all the programs with me. Some she had interviews set up for her programs of interest. 

 

We went out for dinner with faculty and their spouses most places as well, which was quite nice- I enjoyed meeting the spouses (and the PI who ended up being my boss) in a more casual environment. Also got to meet some of the people the younger faculty were dating, who they later ended up marrying, also nice.

 

I was up-front about the fact that I was married, most schools helped some with the travel costs for two people, and one even offered to help us set up a couple of days on the tail end to look at houses and such, and another offered to set my wife up interviews in her department of interest directly. 

 

She was planning on taking a year off (ended up only being a semester) before applying, so her feedback on the programs each school offered was important to us, as well as finding somewhere we were both OK with living. 

[FinallyAccepted]

I have an interview next week that my husband is coming to. He won't be involved like Eigen's wife, but he'll have the chance to look around while I'm in interviews. The fact that our undergrad college basketball team is playing a conference game on the campus that day helped make the decision easier, as well. I cast a wide net geographically, but didn't pick anywhere that we absolutely wouldn't move to together.

[busybeinganxious]

My husband wasn't very involved in picking schools, but in my case choices were made with the given that relocation isn't possible.

 

He was very involved in the decision to apply to grad school though.  There were countless long talks, numerous pep talks, and a high level of general support for his increasingly on edge wife.  He's been a rock through this whole adventure.  If I wasn't already married to him, I'd propose.

[MidwesternAloha]

I have an interview next week that my husband is coming to. He won't be involved like Eigen's wife, but he'll have the chance to look around while I'm in interviews. The fact that our undergrad college basketball team is playing a conference game on the campus that day helped make the decision easier, as well. I cast a wide net geographically, but didn't pick anywhere that we absolutely wouldn't move to together.

Did you tell the schools he is tagging along? Or are you just paying out of pocket and letting him fly below the radar?

[MidwesternAloha]

My husband wasn't very involved in picking schools, but in my case choices were made with the given that relocation isn't possible.

He was very involved in the decision to apply to grad school though. There were countless long talks, numerous pep talks, and a high level of general support for his increasingly on edge wife. He's been a rock through this whole adventure. If I wasn't already married to him, I'd propose.

That's the cutest thing I've ever read lol

[FinallyAccepted]

Did you tell the schools he is tagging along? Or are you just paying out of pocket and letting him fly below the radar?

I didn't tell schools he was tagging along. They didn't pay for anything, so the road trip and hotel room were already going to happen regardless. It didn't add extra money.

[Chubberubber]

My wife is very invested in my applications, and throughout it was kind of a family-project. I only applied for a couple of programs because we had to be very specific about location (with a little baby, we figured we need to be close to her family), but in return she really helped me a lot writing the application. prepare for inteviews etc. I think in general it's important for SO to be invovled in the process since it will affect them one way or another so communication is key from the start...

Edited January 29, 2015 by Chubberubber

[Munashi]

My spouse's career is very portable, as I like to call it.  I chose my schools.  We knew certain areas would be preferable in terms of finding new work, but figured we could make any place I applied to work if needed.  I did take my spouse's opinion into account when selecting a program, but in the end, it was left up to me to choose.

 

I also attended interviews/visits alone, just as an added FYI.  I am lucky and got lots of support in this process.

[MidwesternAloha]

My wife is very invested in my applications, and throughout it was kind of a family-project. I only applied for a couple of programs because we had to be very specific about location (with a little baby, we figured we need to be close to her family), but in return she really helped me a lot writing the application. prepare for inteviews etc. I think in general it's important for SO to be invovled in the process since it will affect them one way or another so communication is key from the start...

I totally agree. Thanks, everyone, for the feedback. My husband has been so supportive, it became concerning to me when a family member suggested it was inappropriate for me to pursue higher education and potentially live away from him. I thought being married meant supporting each other's dreams and finding ways to make it work. Lol. My husband is currently on a military assignment but will be home for a ten day span when I actually have 2 out of state interviews. I was hoping to have him tag along, but didn't know if that was frowned upon. One school has assigned me a hotel room mate, but I want to just let her have the room and pay for my own.

[FinallyAccepted]

I totally agree. Thanks, everyone, for the feedback. My husband has been so supportive, it became concerning to me when a family member suggested it was inappropriate for me to pursue higher education and potentially live away from him. I thought being married meant supporting each other's dreams and finding ways to make it work. Lol. My husband is currently on a military assignment but will be home for a ten day span when I actually have 2 out of state interviews. I was hoping to have him tag along, but didn't know if that was frowned upon. One school has assigned me a hotel room mate, but I want to just let her have the room and pay for my own.

 

I'm sure she'd be just fine with that.

[TakeruK]

My wife was very involved with the decision from start to end. We talked about going on to a PhD together and decided that's the best path forwards for both of us, as a family, and that all the sacrifices we will be making will be worth it for us. (Note: In Canada, it's typical to do a 2 year fully funded Masters after your bachelors and the real "commitment" to grad school/academia happens when you decide to do a PhD--and Masters are required for PhD admission). So, from the very start, even though I would be the student, we felt that the decision was completely equal between us.

 

So, I first made a list of schools that I thought would be good fits and my wife made a list of schools in places that she would like to live (and would have good work opportunities). We talked about each of the items on our list and the school/city only survived if we both liked it enough to give it a chance (i.e. good fit and good place to live). We ended up with 8 schools. 

 

Only one of the schools required an interview (Skype) and during the interview they asked me what factors are important to me when applying to their school/selecting a school and I was honest. I told them that this decision is only 50% mine and I am choosing places based on the program as well as how much we would enjoy living there. I mentioned both academic and personal reasons (in a geographic area we liked, a city with culture that we liked, close to family, stipend vs cost of living etc.) They seemed very happy with it (and I got in, yay!). 

 

After the schools made their decisions, we decided that I would only visit my top 3 choices. Two of them were far enough away that my wife could not take time off to visit so I visited and took lots of pictures etc. I told all the schools that we were making the decision 50/50. The schools were very helpful and they made sure to set me up to meet with other students in the same situation as me. One concern I had was whether the school would sponsor me for the J-1 international student visa so that my wife can work (the standard F-1 visa does not allow spouses to work). Two of the schools cared about this issue and had me talk to married international and American students to find out how their spouses found work etc. I also mentioned that we probably wanted to start a family near the end of grad school and they were very receptive to that as well. They set me up to meet with current graduate student parents and told me about what the school does in terms of financial and leave support. 

 

For one school, it was close enough (driving distance) that my wife and I were able to visit together. We asked if she could come along and the school was very happy to have her there. Originally they set us up to stay at another married grad student's home but we were not comfortable with that so we asked to stay in a hotel room. We basically asked what the limit on reimbursement would be (because we were not flying, they would be saving a lot of money) and we found a way to stay in a cheap hotel and pay for gas under that limit. We asked them for approval of this plan and they went with it.

 

During the visit, the school assigned a desk for my wife to work at and also gave her suggestions on what to see in town while I talked with the professors. They included her in all of the social events and meals. 

 

In summary, maybe it's just my field, but my experience is that every encounter we had was very supportive of married graduate student and everyone understood that this was a decision we made together and that if they were trying to "recruit" me, then they need to demonstrate why their school and city were appealing to both my wife and I. I was always upfront about my priorities and asked for my wife to be included wherever possible and it worked out really well. 

 

Finally, when it was decision time, the two of us ranked the top 3 choices in order we liked them and it turned out be exactly the same order. The plan was that we would discuss the options until we had a decision we both were satisfied with but that worked out really well

 

PS My wife (then-girlfriend) also visited Canadian grad schools with me when I was applying to MSc programs and they were equally welcoming and also paid for expenses that did not cost them any more because she was there (e.g. hotel room since they would pay for mine anyways). 

[shadowclaw]

My husband hasn't been too involved with the school selection process. Because of the narrowness of my research interests and the way EEB admissions work, I have a very limited pool of programs to choose from. I tried to avoid applying to programs in big cities (like NYC, LA, etc) because I know he'll hate it. At the same time, I made an honest effort to find programs in places he would like to live (such as New England and the Pacific Northwest). Ultimately, it came down to me finding a great research fit, and that meant applying to some programs in less desirable locations.

I haven't had any interviews yet, but he won't be coming along. He could potentially take the time off from work, but he doesn't get vacation pay, so we can't afford it. If I get multiple acceptances, I will certainly get his input to help make the decision. However, no matter where we go, his job prospects are the same, so it will really just be a matter of where he thinks he'd like to live.

[Chubberubber]

How I wish I was in your shoes shadowclaw! Nevertheless, I learned first hand how important it is to thank your SOP throughout whether they're involved or not, 'cause it's not obvious that they'll be willing to make such changes (often drastic ones) just so we could chase our dreams...

Edited January 30, 2015 by Chubberubber

[MidwesternAloha]

My husband won't be living with (sad) - he's in the military,but he does like to poke around and chime in about the pros or cons of various places I might live. And where we could get cheap flights from lol

[c m]

So a little bit different for myself and my partner, we are not planning on him moving wherever I am going -- it wouldn't make since given a lot of the locales and he has an ideal job/career path where he is.

 

So he has been very involved in encouraging me to apply to programs and throughout the process (he was my rock, especially when I felt insecure).  And he will be involved in the school selection as far as helping me decide what is best for my career.  We are also having to negotiate in advance how we want to handle the distance, which is where his voice matters a significant amount and will take a lot of work.

 

He hasn't visited any programs with me yet, but we are considering that option in the spring.

[Enhydra]

My husband has been extremely supportive throughout this process. Although we both love the city we live in, he's encouraged me to apply to places all over the country that are a good research fit...as long as the weather isn't terrible. Luckily, we share the same preferences for climate. His career is somewhat flexible, so he should be able to find work in each place I applied. Honestly, I'm only worried about Fairbanks.

 

Edit: We went on a big road trip over the summer to visit a few of the campuses and check out the surrounding towns, so I know we'd be okay with moving to one of those places. If I'm accepted to one of the two schools we didn't visit, we're planning on taking a quick trip there to scope the area out together before deciding.

Edited January 30, 2015 by Enhydra

[Wordsmith]

I'm married, and my choice in grad program was based around where we live.  It was more a "Where can I do X program in the area," decision. 

[MidwesternAloha]

So a little bit different for myself and my partner, we are not planning on him moving wherever I am going -- it wouldn't make since given a lot of the locales and he has an ideal job/career path where he is.

 

So he has been very involved in encouraging me to apply to programs and throughout the process (he was my rock, especially when I felt insecure).  And he will be involved in the school selection as far as helping me decide what is best for my career.  We are also having to negotiate in advance how we want to handle the distance, which is where his voice matters a significant amount and will take a lot of work.

 

He hasn't visited any programs with me yet, but we are considering that option in the spring.

It gives me odd comfort to know we're not the only couple doing distance.

[Pitangus]

It gives me odd comfort to know we're not the only couple doing distance.

 

I'm not married, but my boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. We've been long distance for 2.5 years so far: I moved for my program while he stayed and got a job in our home state. I wanted to pick a program that best fit my interests, and I wanted to experience another part of the country. My boyfriend didn't want to hold me back, but he also knew that he would be happier living and working where he is. We are almost 900 miles apart and see each other 3 times per year, which is tough, but not unbearable. I do plan on moving back (as close as I can) once I finish my PhD. The distance is doable with the right personalities and a goal to reunite after a certain time. 

Edited February 1, 2015 by Pitangus

[Ari_OP]

My husband and I applied at the same time originally. We both made a list of schools we liked and then chose where to apply based on similar locations to each other's lists. I didn't get in the first round and needed another year for my bachelor's, so he went to the one school he got into and we did long distance for a year. Now he's finishing his master's, I've moved to where his school is, and I'm applying. I gave him a list of schools, he looked up the areas to see if he could find jobs, and I narrowed the schools I applied to accordingly. We discuss possibilities along the way, but as a master's student he doesn't really have time to join me on visits.

[WhatAmIDoingNow]

For our masters, I applied a year before my husband(at the time he was my boyfriend of 5 years) and left the state. I had never actually been to the state my master programs were located, he had and liked the area. He wasn't ready to go back to school and wanted to add another year of work experience to his resume. He ended up applying and being admitted for the following fall to a program at the same university that I was attending.  

 

We ended up living apart for one year. Living apart sucks, but it does have a lot of perks.  Time management was easier, because we set aside one hour per night to talk or Skype.  We also switch off on flying out to visitir every month for an extended weekend.  The rest of my time was designated to school work and my research job. This setup actually ended up being financially neutral, because the flight and a few dates once a month was close to our expenses for a whole month of eating out when we live together. 

 

For the PhD, we discussed me doing a PhD a year before I applied. We made the decision for me to take a pay decrease to stay in research for a year as I applied to programs, rather than take a better paying job outside of research.  During the past year we have talked about the implications and I updated him on what I was learning about PhD student life and academia from my mentors and other PhD students. We also discussed the programs and locations as I researched and applied.

 

Luckily the programs that fit with my interests are located in areas that we have both visited in the past for various reasons and are happy to move to for several years. As the admissions are coming in, we are discussing the logistics of how we can move and when we can get to the various locations.  He is looking for jobs in the locations and we are projecting our hypothetical budgets for all locationso.  It comes down to my decision, but he is heavily involved in the decision making process regarding quality of life, finances, and job markets.  He is also doing his best to keep me sane during the whole application and program admission/rejection process. 

[Threeboysmom]

My hubby was somewhat hands on.  He helped me talk through my decision if I was ready to go back to school with three children etc.  As far as picking the schools.  I picked the universities that offered my degree within a certain mile radius from my home.  Relocating for me to attend graduate school is not an option for us at this time.  

 

He's be very supportive and encouraging throughout the process. 

[ChelceCarter]

My husband and I decided long ago that I would do grad school first (since I knew what I was wanting to do) and that he would follow after me, if he decided to pursue his MFA at all. He has promised to follow me where ever I should go, and that he'd work as much as he'd have to to make ends meet. It's really nice to have that support structure, and honestly, I don't know that I could have applied without his help editing my essays (he's a creative writing major). Also I get very anxious sometimes, and he's been really helpful in keeping all of that in check.