lavendercloud Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 My boyfriend and I both applied to grad school this year. It's my second round and his first; so far I have one rejection, while he has two and a waitlist. We only have one school in common, which is a good choice for both of us but maybe not a first choice for either of us. What seems likely at this point is that I'll end up at the West Coast school where I was a finalist last year, and he'll be in the Northeast if he gets in this year. We've been together for a year, and have been candid about the fact that we'd probably end up in different places next year...but now that the reality is at hand, it sucks. I guess what sucks the most right now is the double uncertainty. We're feeding into each other's stress. (I started checking the GradCafe forum for his discipline and quickly realized I was adding unnecessary stress to his life by telling him what schools were getting in touch with applicants.) We don't know what will happen in our future, so even though our relationship as a whole has taught us to get better at living in the moment and stressing less about the long-term, the impatience is slowly killing me. And yet maybe even this not-knowing is easier than what comes next, because we still have the remote hope of being in the same place next year. So, as one poster recently said here on the Waiting It Out forum, I'm swimming in the warm waters of Crazypants Sea. Advice?
HBKss Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 I have a friend who applied to several Masters programs along with his girlfriend... He did get into his top choice university but as his girlfriend didn't get into that program, hence he gave up on his top choice to join the program where his girlfriend got in. They are engaged now. :-) So the point really is, what do you prioritize the more, your relationship or your career. Frankly, if it had been me, I would have never given up on my top choice program, but then again that probably is the reason that I will be spending valentines day sitting in my room and commenting on different topics on this forum... :-) neongolden and sqrwtrmln 2
MidwesternAloha Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Pursue YOUR goals- don't sacrifice or compromise your dreams to lessen the distance between two hearts. If it's meant to be, you will find a way to strengthen yourselves and each other as you support each other's educational endeavors. I'm not dating, but actually married, and will be moving away from my husband. His job does not allow him to move/follow me and he will pursue his graduate education at another school in a few years. I suppose it's comforting to have the certainty that "he'll be there," but I can relate to the tension nevertheless. echlori, c m and dry3r 3
grad_wannabe Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 I have a slightly different-yet-similar situation. I applied primarily to west coast schools, because 1) it's closer to my rapidly aging parents, and 2) I had no relationship to hold me here on the east coast, where I live now. I applied to only two schools in the northeast, and both are outrageously difficult to get into.I've been single for about two years, so it felt like it was time to "go home" so to speak. of course, a week after I submitted all of my applications, I met someone. who obviously lives here, in the east. after which I was rejected from one of the east coast schools, and accepted to one on the west coast. I'm now kicking myself for not applying to more schools up here. "the best laid plans of mice and men..." and all that.
busybeinganxious Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 The best advice in your situation, in my humble opinion, is to enjoy each day you have together, and as hokey as it sounds, try to make some really nice memories. No matter how the cards fall you'll both have them to look back on. Don't try to crystal ball it too far in the future...there are too many "what if's" at play, and you'll only end up deeper in the Crazypants Sea. Put off trying to make a decision until you have an idea where you'll both be come August. I know this is all way easier said than done.
lavendercloud Posted February 14, 2015 Author Posted February 14, 2015 Busybeinganxious: That's EXACTLY what I've been wishing I had the wherewithal to do. It was easy enough early on in application season, but now that I'm expecting to hear important news any day, I have trouble keeping a level head. I know we're not going to make our decisions primarily based on each other, but it's not like we can completely ignore that factor, either. I guess I just wish this were all easier. But on the bright side, my program will only be 3 years (MFA) while his will be 5+ (PhD), so it's certainly not forever. Still. Thanks for the wise words. Y'all are great. And, uh, Happy Valentine's Day?
FinallyAccepted Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 My POI at one of the schools I want to go to is married to another member of the same department. They met in high school, went to undergrad together, got masters together, got their PhDs together, and got TT positions at the same university together. They both had to be at the top of their game so that they would both be wanted wherever they went, but they made it work because it was important enough to both of them. Just a "See? Maybe it can work out" story. I hope everything works out for you two.
echlori Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 My POI at one of the schools I want to go to is married to another member of the same department. They met in high school, went to undergrad together, got masters together, got their PhDs together, and got TT positions at the same university together. They both had to be at the top of their game so that they would both be wanted wherever they went, but they made it work because it was important enough to both of them. Just a "See? Maybe it can work out" story. I hope everything works out for you two.
c m Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 I am in a similar boat to MidwestAloha, though my partner and I are not married, we have been together for six and living together for two. His work is not flexible, nor would it be practical to follow me anyways, so we will be doing long distance. I think the keys to making it work are setting up clear expectations, managing emotions jointly and openly, and communication. The good thing I have good is my partner is not from the US, so all of his family is in his home country, so he is fantastic at maintaining relationships vis-a-vis internet and phone lines. Not ideal, but a good skill to have in this type of situation. Also, we are plotting out how we are going to visit. Weird thing for me, I think, is I am leaving my home, in a very real sense, behind. All my furniture will be there, he will be there, my cats will likely be there. So I am planning on living in the cheapest way possible so that I can afford regular flights home even if it is for the weekend. Granted, it helps that he will be working. As for being in the same place, I think the best way to deal with it is to re-frame your vantage point. From the ideal of being in the same place to supporting the other's goals regardless of where that leads. If things work out, then it will only be a temporary situation. And if this is a person you envision spending your life with, then what are a few years apart in the grand scheme of things? I have a friend who is doing her PhD half a continent away from her SO; they have been together for about five years and four of those have been long distance. Not ideal, of course, but they are happy. Enjoy the now and don't dread the future, in summary, is my advice. It sounds like you have a whole bunch of good going on
BiochemMom Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 (edited) My POI at one of the schools I want to go to is married to another member of the same department. They met in high school, went to undergrad together, got masters together, got their PhDs together, and got TT positions at the same university together. They both had to be at the top of their game so that they would both be wanted wherever they went, but they made it work because it was important enough to both of them. Just a "See? Maybe it can work out" story. I hope everything works out for you two. Edited February 19, 2015 by BiochemMom c m 1
thepinkdragon76 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 My husband is in the Army and we were flabbergasted when suddenly he was notified that he was selected to attend the Naval PostGraduate School this summer. We had no idea. We originally thought it might happen over a year out from now but thankfully we had already discussed what we would do in the event this happened. I'm still waiting to hear back from the only school I applied to, but even if I do not get accepted our son and I are staying here. We are moving off post and buying a house in town here so we can use his housing allowance to support two households. Since the cost of living is higher in Monterey, CA it will cover our mortgage here and a shared rental or similar for him there. I was not ready for an 18 month separation, but since I am prior service and we have endured deployment separations I am certain we will make this work. Plus, if I get into my program it will be nice to get our degrees at the same time and not interfere with each other's study. Good luck to us all!
grad_wannabe Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 I applied to only two schools in the northeast, and both are outrageously difficult to get into. I've been single for about two years, so it felt like it was time to "go home" so to speak. of course, a week after I submitted all of my applications, I met someone. who obviously lives here, in the east. after which I was rejected from one of the east coast schools, and accepted to one on the west coast. I'm now kicking myself for not applying to more schools up here. "the best laid plans of mice and men..." and all that. I've posted this in other threads, but I just wanted to share the news here in this context: that other school I applied to, the only remaining option in the northeast? The only option for staying close to this amazing person I just met? I got the phone call yesterday. I got in. He did his master's there, and immediately offered to go with me on my campus visit and show me around. Feel a little bit like I'm in a fairy tale. Unreal. lavendercloud 1
thepinkdragon76 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 I've posted this in other threads, but I just wanted to share the news here in this context: that other school I applied to, the only remaining option in the northeast? The only option for staying close to this amazing person I just met? I got the phone call yesterday. I got in. He did his master's there, and immediately offered to go with me on my campus visit and show me around. Feel a little bit like I'm in a fairy tale. Unreal. Congrats!!!
lavendercloud Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 @grad_wannabe: Congrats!! So far I have just one interview and it's in the Midwest, not close to anywhere my boyfriend might be going, and the only school I might still be in the running for is also in the Midwest. But I'm feeling good about things and hoping for the best for both of us!
lavendercloud Posted March 4, 2015 Author Posted March 4, 2015 Seems to be decided...we haven't committed to the programs yet but it looks like I'll be in Athens, Ohio and he'll be in Baltimore. They're actually not TOO far apart (5.5 hours driving), so it's feasible that we may be able to see each other often-ish. I have hope!
EMGagne Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 Relationships are tough no matter what - moving around is just one more hurdle. I started dating and moved in with my (now) wife while we were both working in NYC 5ish years ago - she was applying to grad schools and no matter how much I tried to persuade her she didn't apply to any in or near NYC. When she decided to go to UMass I moved with her, and made it work. Ended up being the best choice I ever made, left a job I wasn't crazy about, got more education myself and in the end we both moved back to NYC, got married last year, and now I'm the one applying to grad programs. Was this an ideal path? No. But it doesn't seem as though many people ever find this perfect path (to grad school or a LTR). bananasinpajamas 1
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