dropping out?

[kev91]

welp, I'm now a second year grad student and I fucking hate it here. I chose a prestigious program over one closer to home and every day I regret my decision soooo much. I still haven't found a lab. I've done four fucking rotations. The first lab was too big and impersonal, the second lab the PI kind of a jerk (I now regret not sticking with this lab, but it's too late, that lab is full), the third the PI was a micromanaging autist, the fourth? Perfect. But they decided they didn't want a grad student (pretty sure this was a nice way of saying they don't like me). Obviously the common denominator in all of these situations is ME. I didn't a good enough job impressing the last PI i guess.  I work my ass off but honestly,... in most of these cases the research is not that interesting to me. even when it is, I don't "ask questions" apparently (a criticism i've heard in the past). To sum it up, the PIs just aren't impressed with me. I have the option to do yet another rotation but just looking at the list of PIs makes me want to throw up.

For non school reasons for my misery, my dad was recently diagnosed with very aggressive cancer and doesn't have much time left... In twenty years, am I going to look back on my life and think "gee, i'm so glad I got a phd from a fancy school and didn't spend more time with my father before he died?" fuck no. I live on the opposite side of the country from my family so it's not like I can go home every weekend and see them (unlike 90% of my classmates who don't understand why I'm so sad all the time). It's possible my family shit is affecting my lab performance but I suspect I just suck. I moved here thinking it would be a big adventure but this place is worst in every aspect, which just further compounds everything. When I tried to talk to the program admin staff about my family stuff and what to do if I need to take some time off, they were really weird and unprofessional. I just got weird probing questions and no real response. Again, I fucking hate this place.

I'm 99.99999% sure that I don;t want to stay in academia... but if I leave will I be completely fucked over? How will I ever get any kind of job without a letter of recommendation? I assume dropping out of grad school instantly torches every bridge I've worked my ass off to build. It's possible my old PI who I teched for in my gap year would understand If I framed it as a family thing, but he is also super weird and might think I'm ruining his reputation if I drop out after vouching for me. I'll feel shitty leaving this place with nothing to show for it after all my hard work (not to mention leaving a good paying job and spending tons of money just to move here, dedicating the best years of my life to working towards this goal) but I think the sooner I open the next chapter in my life, the better.

[rising_star]

My first thought is this: Can you take a leave of absence, rather than dropping out entirely? Check your department and graduate school handbooks to see what is required for a leave of absence.

Second thought: Can you find a therapist with whom you can talk about these issues? It might help you separate what is related to the family situation and what is related to real issues with your department/program. Because, it could be disordered thinking that leads you to the conclusion that you are the issue with these rotations, and not some other factor, but that's difficult to say without having more insight into your situation.

[qeta]

I second rising_star. You should ask about their leave of absence policy. This is a very difficult time for you and you should be able to spend more time with family. The rest you can probably deal with when you're back. In my department, this would involve a conversation with the Chair.

[TakeruK]

I also echo everyone's suggestion of requesting a leave of absence. At my school, your situation certainly qualifies for a leave of absence. I hope the following thoughts are helpful:

1. Go to the right people for help on obtaining this leave of absence. This means going right to the people who have the authority to issue the leave of absence. At my school**, this means going to the Dean of Graduate Studies office (and their admin staff), not the program admin staff. The program admin staff are probably awesome and amazing, but at most schools, this is way outside of their jurisdiction. You will get much more support and useful action from those who are trained to work with students through these situations.

(**Note: policies may vary between schools, but in most cases I've seen, the ultimate authority is the Graduate Office even if the department chair also needs to sign off on it)

2. The Graduate Studies office should help you navigate the school handbooks and policies. Usually the program will have to approve or sign off on the leave of absence in addition to University/Grad Office approval. The Grad Office should also help you figure out how to frame this request for a leave of absence to your department/program. The program should not be asking probing questions and you should only need to reveal whatever personal details you want. I find that it's more comforting, to me, to talk about the personal details / family situations with someone who I do not directly work for or work with, so I would always go to the Graduate Office first, find out what the options are, get whatever approvals from them, and then with their help, decide how to frame this when bringing it up to my department. At this point, we would have developed a strategy and know ahead of time how much information I would want to reveal. 

3. Ultimately, the leave of absence policy is there to help students like you. There should not be a "burden of proof" on you to show that you "need" it. You should be able to take the leave if you feel you need it! 

4. If the Graduate Office at your school is not supportive, you could also consider your student government as an advocate.

5. I understand that you are very frustrated with your first year at Graduate School and it might sound like by suggesting a leave of absence, we are saying you should still stay and give it a shot. I want to clarify that I don't think this is the case. You definitely should leave and drop out if you feel that is the best thing for you. It is not a failure to do so and in fact, you would be much worse off if you stick through a PhD program just because you didn't want to drop out. 

But think about a leave of absence as just keeping options open. Taking a leave doesn't mean that you necessarily have to come back. It might be worth the little extra effort to get a leave approved and then once the leave is finished, you can decide what you want to do. At my school, leave of absences are granted for up to 2 years. So, if you were a student here, I would think it's better to take the leave, be with your family and take care of other priorities for two years, and then re-evaluate your situation. If you want to come back after 2 years, then grad school will be waiting for you. If you are happier not returning, then there is no pressure to return.

It sounds like you want to get out of grad school right now so I just want to say again: Applying for a leave of absence does not mean that you are "keeping yourself in grad school". It's a leave, so you can leave all of that behind and focus on other priorities in life during your leave! 

[juilletmercredi]

I agree that you should take a leave of absence, so you can go home and be with your family and your father.

However:

1) If you are pretty sure you don't want to stay in academia, then no, leaving a PhD program won't completely fuck you over - unless there's some other job you want to do that requires a PhD. People leave PhD programs all the time and still have full, productive lives. In fact, it's better to leave now when you've only invested a year into the program than to give it 3 or 4 years and feel exactly the same.

2) No, leaving a program doesn't torch your bridges if your professors are reasonable people and you make it clear that you are leaving because you no longer think a research career is for you. Attrition is a fact of life in PhD programs. But as long as you show yourself to be competent and professional and simply making the best career choice for you, most of the time people will respect you for that. Besides

3) You are the only person who has to live your life. Your old PI might believe you are ruining his reputation; he might get mad. But is that really worth the potential of being miserable for another 3-5+ years? For someone else's approval? (And I'm not saying you WILL be miserable for the next 3-5 years; things may get better. But assuming that you are...don't stay for other people.

4) "I'll feel shitty leaving this place with nothing to show for it after all my hard work (not to mention leaving a good paying job and spending tons of money just to move here, dedicating the best years of my life to working towards this goal)" - Sunk cost fallacy - essentially, don't throw good money (or time) after bad. You've spent a year and considerable resources on this program, sure. But that time and money is already spent. Completing the program or dropping out doesn't change that fact, nor does it get you your time or money back. And the value of that time does not decrease if you drop out, nor does it increase if you stay and finish. A year is a year is a year, regardless of what you do with the next 4 or 5.

So, the question is, do you want to be unhappy for 4 more years just because you've already invested a year, or do you want to cut your losses (if you indeed decide that's the right thing) and move on to try to seek happiness elsewhere?

 

Note: This advice is only if you decide leaving is your best option. You may decide to stay for professional reasons, and that's okay, too. My point is that whatever you decide, you should do it because it makes YOU happy and suits YOUR career goals, not the happiness or career goals of your PI or anyone else.