existential crisis

[summoner]

This is the beginning of my fourth year and I honestly am starting to freak out. I wasted too much time my first three years on courses (some of which I didn't need to graduate since I came in with a masters), a lot of background reading (which a lot I don't even remember at this point), and a lot of wasting time (and a few months of justifiable illness). I have done a little bit of data collection (mostly interviews), and it feels like I am like at least a year and a half behind where I should be. I have no publications at all (all my work is basically done on my own, with no opportunity to work with other people, and without original data there's not much I can write that's interesting). I have funding this year and next year and I am seriously doubting that I'll be able to pull together what I need to in time. I'm a nontraditional student (pushing 40) so if I don't finish I will be stuck on the job market with no recent professional job experience.  Anyone else in a similar boat? Or in an equally bad boat and want to commiserate?   

[fuzzylogician]

Have you talked to your advisor about this? Or is there someone else who would be able to give you a straight up assessment of how you're really doing? For what it's worth, I only started working on my dissertation project in my fourth year, and I wrote the whole thing up in about 3 months at the end of my fifth year, after spending the first half of that year stressing out about the job market and not getting much work done. For my field, that wasn't terribly uncommon. It still ended up in good shape, if I may say so myself. 

A separate but related question is whether you can find a way to collaborate and get some publications out of it. Even if there is no one who you could work with at your school, maybe there are other students or faculty who share your interests at other schools? In addition, it might be worth exploring more whether anything you have might be interesting enough to submit. I think it can take many students a long time to understand that their work is good enough for journals. Early on it's hard to have perspective on what is and isn't good enough. Again, this is a good thing to consult with an advisor about. 

In my experience, the best way to fight this feeling of being overwhelmed is to come up with a plan of action. Map out what you need to do between now and when you graduate and spell out the details of what would need to happen between now and then. You absolutely need to get your advisor's help with this. If you have a committee, theirs too. If you don't have one, this might not be a bad time to think about who would be on it. This is an anxiety inducing and difficult process. You are not alone in feeling this way. Get the support of the people around you who understand. 

[rising_star]

Honestly, yea, I've been in a very similar boat. I did almost an entire extra year of coursework because people couldn't figure out how to count the stuff from my MA. But, I got over it by applying for grants to fund my dissertation research, diving head first into fieldwork and data collection, and writing an interesting dissertation in the end. The advice below is meant to be helpful. It may not help since I don't know what your field is but, I hope it does. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about any of this in greater depth.

Research/Publications: I know what it's like to be reliant on primary data to publish and also not to have anyone around you working on similar things. One thing you might want to do is consider who is working on even semi-related stuff that you could collaborate with on research/publications. These may be people outside your department/institution. A good way to find such people is at conferences. I would look for post-docs or junior faculty, as they're likely to have the time to put into whatever collaboration there is.

Are there any secondary data sources you could use to write a paper? Would you consider writing and publishing a review article on an aspect of your research? If you do, then maybe that article could serve as all or part of the literature review for your dissertation. 

If you need primary data, is there any way that you could write and publish something in a lower-tier journal based on preliminary data collection or a selected sample? That would help you get something out sooner.

I'll also add this. Depending on what you want to do and where you want to end up, then you may not need any publications under your belt when you graduate or when you're on the job market. For example, if you're interested in alt-ac stuff, then perhaps gaining statistical training or doing a summer internship is more important than trying to get a publication. 

Timeline: Everyone's timeline is different. I finished a year after many of the friends I started my PhD with for a variety of reasons both personal and professional. It doesn't really matter when you graduate, in many ways, especially if you have the funding to continue. I did, which is part of the reason I was there an extra year. In the end, it was fine and we all ended up with full-time, semi-permanent employment (aka, not adjuncting) around the same time. You have to do what works best for you and not worry about other people. I realize it's easier said than done.

Job Experience: Get out there and get some! See if you can get a part-time job or internship in an area that interests you. You can check general employment websites like indeed.com and idealist.org, or use your university's career services department. You might also see if you could get a part-time or Graduate Assistant position on campus in an area of your interest. That may mean doing office work but it could also be something more interesting, depending on what's in your area. This is obviously easier if you're in a city or metropolitan area but it may still be possible regardless of your location. There are even virtual internships with federal government entities which you could do to gain experience (a friend of mine did one and, when the agency was hiring, they encouraged them to apply and ultimately hired them). 

Retaining Background Reading: Do you use a citation management program? If not, you totally should. I use Zotero and store my notes on what I've read there, along with the bibliographic information. It has been a lifesaver in the past and probably will continue to be in the future. Other options include EndNote, RefWorks FLOW, Mendeley, and Papers. It's never too late to start getting organized with your note-taking so do it now. 

Good luck!

[summoner]

Thanks for the responses! I really do appreciate it.

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fuzzlogician:

"Have you talked to your advisor about this? Or is there someone else who would be able to give you a straight up assessment of how you're really doing? "

I have, to some extent, but since this feels like a problem of my own making I'm worried about going to him and being like "you know all those things I was supposed to be doing? Yeah, not so much."

"For what it's worth, I only started working on my dissertation project in my fourth year, and I wrote the whole thing up in about 3 months at the end of my fifth year,"

That actually helps a lot!  Though my field it's generally thought you should be working on something specific at least after your first year.  

"A separate but related question is whether you can find a way to collaborate and get some publications out of it. Even if there is no one who you could work with at your school, maybe there are other students or faculty who share your interests at other schools?"

I've been thinking about that, but not sure who/how to approach.  I have a very strong background in certain things that a fair number of people in my field are not, so I think I would be a good collaborator but not sure how to start that up. I wrote a paper with another student in the department but they've been sitting on it for a while (due to personal issues they're dealing with I can't really push them). I have another thing lined up with someone else that might lead to 2 or 3 papers but they're super busy right now so not sure when that will start up.

"In my experience, the best way to fight this feeling of being overwhelmed is to come up with a plan of action."

I've done that at this point; I'm actually fairly clear on what needs to be done.  It's just kind of so much work, like I'm cramming 4 years of work into the next 2.

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risingstar:

"Honestly, yea, I've been in a very similar boat. I did almost an entire extra year of coursework because people couldn't figure out how to count the stuff from my MA. But, I got over it by applying for grants to fund my dissertation research, diving head first into fieldwork and data collection, and writing an interesting dissertation in the end. The advice below is meant to be helpful. It may not help since I don't know what your field is but, I hope it does. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about any of this in greater depth."

My field is in a field of public policy.  I appreciate the advice.  I actually have good funding for the next two years, so that's not really an issue, though if I could find someone to fund me for an extra year that might help me feel better...I actually might PM you, thanks for the offer!

"One thing you might want to do is consider who is working on even semi-related stuff that you could collaborate with on research/publications. These may be people outside your department/institution. A good way to find such people is at conferences. I would look for post-docs or junior faculty, as they're likely to have the time to put into whatever collaboration there is."

That's an interesting idea but I'm not really sure how you go about doing that.  I should probably look more into that.

"Are there any secondary data sources you could use to write a paper? Would you consider writing and publishing a review article on an aspect of your research? If you do, then maybe that article could serve as all or part of the literature review for your dissertation.

"

I guess this is another reason for why I'm angry at myself.  I do have some secondary data sources, and I actually have a fair amount written up. I just never have gotten around to pushing through this stuff to a publishable point.

"Get out there and get some! See if you can get a part-time job or internship in an area that interests you. You can check general employment websites like indeed.com and idealist.org, or use your university's career services department. You might also see if you could get a part-time or Graduate Assistant position on campus in an area of your interest."

Unfortunately I think working would pretty much make it impossible for me to finish. I'm currently technically a Research Assistant, so not like I'll have gaps on my resume or anything,  and I have pretty decent professional experience prior to the PhD, but I'm worried I'm getting to the point where I'm not published enough for academia, and won't have enough recent experience for a decent job outside it.

"Do you use a citation management program?"

Yep, I use Mendeley, and I am actually fairly well-organized on it with several hundred papers, many categorized, etc. I think my problem is I'm a terrible note taker, but I've started writing up stuff I'm reading so hopefully that will help.

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[fuzzylogician]

The best way to know if you're really behind (as opposed to how you're feeling about it) is to talk to your advisor. Framing it as "you know all those things I was supposed to be doing? Yeah, not so much" won't be too helpful, but frankly, if you're so far behind, where has your advisor been all this time and why hasn't s/he pointed this out and helped you out of it long ago? Your advisor has a fair amount of responsibility here too. That aside, though, s/he should help you come up with a plan that you are going to be held accountable for. Your point about needing to cram four years of work into two can have two possible (and related) responses. First, things take longer in your second year than in your fourth, because in your second year you're also taking classes and in addition you're new and don't know how to do things yet. The same amount of work will take much less time in your fourth year. Second, you may have to settle for doing less than you would like. In fact, you absolutely positively will have to decide that some things that would be great to have are not going to happen. This would have been the case even if you had a full five years to think about nothing other than your dissertation. There is always more that you should do. So take that as a given and don't worry about it. The question is really what is good enough. Get your advisor's help in figuring this out. Two years really is enough time to do something meaningful. 

Regarding collaborations, as rising_star suggested, a good way to get them started is to meet people at conferences. Also a good point by rising_star is that the best people to target will be early career. They will be the ones with the drive to publish and the time to do it. Can you think of any postdocs or assistant professors who have similar interests to yours? Maybe someone who could benefit from your particular expertise? If you can get to know them at a conference or workshop, great. Otherwise, you could try cold emailing them. Ask to have a skype meeting to either talk about something to do with your work or something to do with theirs, to see how it feels to talk to them. If you get along, you could try pitching a small project, e.g. "I really enjoyed the thing you said about X. Have you considered applying [methodology Y] to it?" (where methodology Y is the thing you can do that they can't). Many early career people I know will not object to a collaboration with someone who propose to take charge and apply a technique they are experts in to data that this researcher already has, it's a way to expand their resume that is low risk for everyone. These things often have a way of stalling, especially if no one really takes charge, but you have nothing to lose by trying. 

And related to that last point, if you are sitting on secondary data that you could write up and publish, do it now! it is not too late, even if you've had it for several years. Seriously, this should be a top priority. Whatever else you have to figure out, this is a clear objective and something you can do that will make a real difference. Do it NOW. Then try and figure out if anything you have written up can become a chapter in your dissertation, but first just write the damn thing up and get the submission process started. These things take time. 

[rising_star]

summoner, please do send me a PM! If you know things that others in your field don't, that's an excellent opportunity for collaboration and one you should definitely pursue!

At this point, don't be angry about what you would/could/should have done in the past. What's done is done. From now on, it's about moving forward. I'm not sure about public policy but, take a look at the CVs of recently hired assistant professors if you want to get a sense of how many publications are needed for academia. In my field, it depends largely on where you want to work. LACs typically want to see maybe 1 publication when you start your job, whereas research-intensive/doctoral universities want to see multiple publications even from folks who are ABD and applying for tenure-track jobs. How much you need to focus on publications depends in part on where you see yourself working in the future.

[summoner]

Almost a year later!  Time flies.

Ok, slight update (if anyone cares) and then my new existential crisis:

1.  All the data collection I needed to do wasn't done.  It wasn't even started. However, a little less worried about it because I added a new major section to my dissertation that relies more on regulatory records, legal cases, etc. etc., and did manage to do a big chunk of that.  Advanced to candidacy, and got a little more into the theory side of my field and am going to make theoretical discussion part of my work.

2.  Also, my original existential angst was helped by downloading a bunch of dissertations by people who are in my field (or in a similar field doing the same type of dissertation, if not the same subject).  For every 10 I skimmed it seemed like 5 or so weren't particularly impressive; I think I can do a better job (ranging from slightly better to greatly better, there are some astonishingly unimpressive dissertations out there). Importantly, my dissertation data was going to be largely interviews and it seems like the dissertations in my field based on interview data often don't interview THAT many people.  And some of these things are surprisingly short.  Anyway, anyone else feeling anxiety, I DEFINITELY recommend seeing what the competition puts out for their PhD.  I had originally compared myself to people in my field who turn their dissertations into well-known books, which was setting the bar waaaay too high.

3.  I'm pretty sure I can finish by next year; the dissertation itself still doesn't bother me too much, I have years and years of high-level pre-PhD writing experience so I can bang out the actually written product pretty quickly.

4.  I've just given up on being the going-to-conferences, publishing-a-lot-of-papers kind of PhD student.  I'm pretty much on my own and can do what I want as long as my overall project is approved by my advisor.  Some students in my program have done dozens of conferences.  Some have done 1 or 2.  Same for papers.  I never was that gung ho about going the R1 prestige chase route anyway.  I'd be thrilled with a liberal arts college job, and have no problem working for the government, industry, etc. etc..

So residual anxiety:

1.  While I think I can get my degree sort-of-on-schedule, I still feel a LOT of guilt over the time I wasted.  I hear all these people complain about the crushing workload of being a PhD student and that just hasn't been my experience.  I never have short-term deliverables for my advisor, he pretty much lets me just follow what I'm interested in.

2.  A lot of days I'll come to the office and just waste the whole day. I don't mean spending too much time messing around online, I mean spending literally ALL my time doing nothing.  Once in a long while I'll put in a full day of work and get a lot done.  Over the course of my career I've probably averaged a couple of hours of work a day, if I include coursework and homework for that.  I kind of feel like an impostor as a PhD student, though I feel that when I graduate I will be just as qualified in terms of knowledge as most other graduates, and feel my dissertation will be perfectly acceptable. 

So anyone else dealing with THAT kind of guilt?  I mean all I see on places like this forum are how much PhD students push themselves and it just hasn't been my experience. 

 

 

 

 

[geographyrocks]

On 8/26/2016 at 6:52 PM, summoner said:

So residual anxiety:

1.  While I think I can get my degree sort-of-on-schedule, I still feel a LOT of guilt over the time I wasted.  I hear all these people complain about the crushing workload of being a PhD student and that just hasn't been my experience.  I never have short-term deliverables for my advisor, he pretty much lets me just follow what I'm interested in.

2.  A lot of days I'll come to the office and just waste the whole day. I don't mean spending too much time messing around online, I mean spending literally ALL my time doing nothing.  Once in a long while I'll put in a full day of work and get a lot done.  Over the course of my career I've probably averaged a couple of hours of work a day, if I include coursework and homework for that.  I kind of feel like an impostor as a PhD student, though I feel that when I graduate I will be just as qualified in terms of knowledge as most other graduates, and feel my dissertation will be perfectly acceptable. 

So anyone else dealing with THAT kind of guilt?  I mean all I see on places like this forum are how much PhD students push themselves and it just hasn't been my experience. 

Yes.  I'm in a similar boat.  I think mine may be to depression and anxiety.  Although I've been working on those things for years, I've rejected taking medicine until recently.  I've gotten a lot more work accomplished in the past couple of weeks (since starting medication).  That may be something to consider. 

As for "I never have short-term deliverables for my advisor, he pretty much lets me just follow what I'm interested in.", didn't that seem like the best thing ever in the beginning but has turned into the worst thing ever?