Too unstable to succeed?

[GradSchoolTruther]

Grad school is stressful. We can tap dance around it as much as we'd like, but at some point, you need to decide if you can cope with the stress. If you can't, that's OK, since lying to yourself that you can cope is, by far, the worst strategy to pursue.

[Catria]

I won't sugar-coat it: I'll leave my program once the semester is over.

Because I knew that, if I stayed, I would have to retake these courses I dropped at some point, and that would just add fuel to the fire. Even that confidence-boosting gambit (retaking undergrad-level statistical mechanics, then take the grad-level one afterward) could also have been just as stressful; said gambit needed As in both the undergrad-level statistical mechanics and the grad-level one to work. Failure to obtain an A in either course would have signaled that the program just wasn't for me either.

And also, there's only one thing that could have saved the entire deal: if I did better on these accursed midterms!

Edited November 8, 2015 by Catria

[TakeruK]

I am glad that you have sought help and have found a solution that will work for you. I want you to know that leaving a graduate program is not a "failure", and as GradSchoolTruther has said, it's better to leave now when you know that this is not what you want than to stay longer for no reason. I advocated for staying the first year in the beginning because it sounded like the typical "funnel effect" that you described in your blog, but after seeing more, I think you have sought the right help and are following advice meant in your best interests. So, I wish you the best of luck in whatever you do in the future Don't rule out the fact that you can still return to academia later on, if that is what you really want later.

[Catria]

I don't feel like I am a failure for leaving, only that having the intellectual ability to carry out the intended project to completion (I'd like to think that I could complete the project to completion since I worked on a closely related topic as a masters student) would not have meant that I can't be driven insane the way I have been.

[TMP]

This thread is interesting.   I'm not in the sciences.  I'm glad that you are seeking help to help manage your anxiety and negativity.  My therapist has been amazing to help me climb up from the downward spiral that I fell into in my first year.  Now I'm in my fourth year and chugging along.  It has been a very long and trying road.  Until earlier this semester, I never thought of leaving the program... just taking a leave of absence but I never follow thorugh with it.  I'm still staying in the program because of what i'm about to say next.

The biggest question you might want to ask yourself is, "What kind of stress do I want to deal with?"  We all deal with certain kinds of stress better than others.  If you are finding yourself simply not in love with your subject of interest enough to want to spend your time studying it and attack the stress that comes with it everyday, then perhaps being part of academia and research is not for you.

You also need to consider the value of comparing yourself to others.   Try working with your therapist to set limits and realistic goals.  Grad school (or life!) is not a race as much as we'd like it to be to help us stay motivated.   Taking comparisons to extreme only makes us feel miserable, not good (even if you're doing "better" than others).

Just my $0.02.

[Catria]

But I think it might be best to address said anxiety with some time off.

Perhaps I could try again but only if I address anxiety first.

Edited November 11, 2015 by Catria