Feeling lost + adviser is angry at me

[MonstersU-Terp]

My adviser is angry with me and I don't know how to fix things. We have 1 hour lab meeting every week and last week I missed it without telling her. To be frank, she's never around (she works in an off campus research facility and only comes to campus for meetings.) Any time I've had important questions over the past few months, I email her (often multiple times) and get a response maybe 10% of the time if I'm lucky. She's not a bad person, she's just extremely busy. So last week, I took off to visit my fiance in another state. I didn't tell my adviser, I only told my mentor who is a post-doc. My mentor is the person I work with on a day-to-day basis, I consider him more of an adviser than my actual adviser. So now my adviser is mad at me for not telling her. I sent her an apology email, apologizing for having taken time off without her express permission and promising not to do so in the future. What else should/can I do? I doubt she'll even reply and it's gonna be so awkward at the next meeting.

 

I just feel unsupported in general. It's my first semester and I'm not really doing anything. I was supposed to be doing my own research in lab but it hasn't worked out because I'm busy with classes. I'm also helping another student because his work is the lab priority right now. I feel like nothing I'm doing is going well and now my adviser doesn't like me. She barely knows me and now I've made a poor impression. HELP.

[MonstersU-Terp]

I want to add another note as well. The other post-doc in the lab (who is the mentor to the other student) has been cold to me since this incident. Usually she is friendly to me but now she is being very cold towards me, giving me short answers, not smiling, etc. I'm just upset cause I feel like such a loser in my lab in general. It's a really small lab and I feel like I don't know anything compared to the other 2 students. I came here directly from undergrad with limited experience in the subject (but lots of passion.) I feel like I'm expected to know more than what I know. But I thought I was here to learn, not to already be an expert?! 

I'm just feeling a bit miserable and would appreciate advice. Thanks. 

[beccamayworth]

Hi MonstersU-Terp! 

I'm sure others will chime in with great advice, but meanwhile I just wanted to say: don't panic. Seems to me you might be worrying too much about this, which is totally understandable and most of us do it all the time - but often the situation is not as bad as we think.  

Like you said, they don't know you yet - so perhaps they were upset that you took time off without letting your advisor know, which is indeed a mistake but one that you apologized for. Just carry on, work hard, and keep being friendly. Over time they will get to know you and your work ethic. You can't really control what others think of you, so don't worry too much about it - just focus on doing good work and being a good person, and things will find their way.

Best of luck!

 

 

[fuzzylogician]

I understand that this incident has made you feel unhappy. You made a mistake and got called out on it, and that's no fun. You've apologized to your advisor, and as a busy person it's a safe bet that she's moved on. There is nothing more I would advise doing at this point. Everyone knows that students will make mistakes; just don't do it again. Also don't expect things to be awkward between you, because that will make it that much more likely that they will. It may feel unpleasant to be reprimanded, but the chances that this one slip has caused the entire lab to change their behavior toward you are small. Try and put this behind you, and look ahead. 

This aside, I think there is a more general question of how to deal with a small lab with an absent PI. You have to really think about whether the support of a postdoc is enough for you. That is something that might work for some but not others. Try and think through what is important to you in an advising relationship, and what out of that is non-negotiable (e.g. I would love for my advisor to respond better to emails, but I appreciate the other things they do enough to live with the periods of silence and apparent ignoring of emails. At the end of the day, I know I can count on them to be there when it counts). Can your advisor give you what you need? I personally believe that people don't change, so if she can't give you basic things you need, that's something to recognize. It's no one's fault, it's just a fact. Your needs are legitimate--you should know that--but may simply be incompatible with her way of doing things. If this arrangement just isn't working for you, you might want to think about finding another lab or adding a second advisor who can be more present (if that's possible in your department). Or if it's a Masters, maybe you can decide it's worth it to suck it up and move on; if so, I think being conscious about it helps, so you're not disappointed or upset about things that the advisor might do simply because she is who she is. This can be a process, and I think it's important to do it from a place where you have your broad goals and needs in mind, and not from a place where you're upset about one particular incident. Take the time to really think this out. 

[Eigen]

Fuzzy's given great advice, I just wanted to add one piece:

I doubt your advisor was upset that you took time off without asking her, but that you didn't let her know that you wouldn't be able to make the meeting. If she only comes onto campus for meetings, she had to make a trip that ended up being a waste of time since you weren't there. 

I think it's probably not a big deal, and you apologized and moved on- I just don't want you to have the take-away that it was taking the time off that was bad, rather than the not letting her know.

[MonstersU-Terp]

I understand that this incident has made you feel unhappy. You made a mistake and got called out on it, and that's no fun. You've apologized to your advisor, and as a busy person it's a safe bet that she's moved on. There is nothing more I would advise doing at this point. Everyone knows that students will make mistakes; just don't do it again. Also don't expect things to be awkward between you, because that will make it that much more likely that they will. It may feel unpleasant to be reprimanded, but the chances that this one slip has caused the entire lab to change their behavior toward you are small. Try and put this behind you, and look ahead. 

This aside, I think there is a more general question of how to deal with a small lab with an absent PI. You have to really think about whether the support of a postdoc is enough for you. That is something that might work for some but not others. Try and think through what is important to you in an advising relationship, and what out of that is non-negotiable (e.g. I would love for my advisor to respond better to emails, but I appreciate the other things they do enough to live with the periods of silence and apparent ignoring of emails. At the end of the day, I know I can count on them to be there when it counts). Can your advisor give you what you need? I personally believe that people don't change, so if she can't give you basic things you need, that's something to recognize. It's no one's fault, it's just a fact. Your needs are legitimate--you should know that--but may simply be incompatible with her way of doing things. If this arrangement just isn't working for you, you might want to think about finding another lab or adding a second advisor who can be more present (if that's possible in your department). Or if it's a Masters, maybe you can decide it's worth it to suck it up and move on; if so, I think being conscious about it helps, so you're not disappointed or upset about things that the advisor might do simply because she is who she is. This can be a process, and I think it's important to do it from a place where you have your broad goals and needs in mind, and not from a place where you're upset about one particular incident. Take the time to really think this out. 

Thanks so much for your great advice, I really appreciate it. I have a tendency to take things too personally; I know it will get better but things stink right now, you know what I mean? I want to address a couple of things you and another commenter mentioned. First, I want to clarify that this weekly 1-hour meeting is not one-on-one; the PI comes and meets with the whole lab, which is me, another student, and two post-docs. Secondly, the PI has not personally confronted me yet, which is what makes things awkward - a face-to-face discussion and apology would be awesome, but I literally have heard zilch from her (as usual, like I said, she's a busy lady.) I heard this all from my mentor, the post-doc. He explained that when I didn't show up at the lab meeting, the PI went on a 20 minute rant about how I should never have taken time off without asking and that it was disrespectful. I only heard about it this morning, so I sent her an apology email. I'm hoping she answers but I doubt it...

 

Other than that, I'm neither happy nor unhappy in my lab. I feel totally unsupported by my advisor but my post-doc mentor is really great. I'm currently an MS student and was considering transferring to PhD but this whole lack of support is making me reconsider that...

[TakeruK]

I am personally surprised that the PI would go on such a rant about you missing that day (the PI is definitely right to be upset and I think it is a good thing that the PI makes expectations clear to the rest of the group, but 20 minutes is quite a long time!). But it is clear now that the PI is upset at you for doing this. Usually I would say that your email apology is enough and it's time to move on. However, given that it is very clear how upset your PI is, I think you should make an effort to apologize in person. I think sending that email right away was absolutely the right thing to do, and I think a personal conversation might also be good. I think a good time to do this would be to stay behind after the next lab meeting and apologize in person. Don't wait for the PI to confront you. 

I'd second everything else the others have said! Especially about thinking about what you need out of a PI relationship.

[fuzzylogician]

Alright, two things then. First, as Eigen said, I assume that the real problem wasn't so much that you took time off but that you didn't clear it with her. You might think it's not a big deal because she had other meetings anyway, but she came there in part to meet with you and/or the lab, and not being there is not okay. I'm not sure why she spent so long ranting about this incident, but I think you did the right thing by immediately apologizing by email. When you next see her, start the conversation by apologizing in person. Hopefully that will clear the air. It's really not the worst thing that's ever happened, so you should both be able to put it behind you and move on.

As for the more general advising situation, it sounds like it might be okay for the MS, and as I said before, I think it's important for you to really think through what matters for you and what you want from an advisor. Your current advisor might be an amazing person and researcher, but if her advising style doesn't fit what you are looking for, then for me that is a great reason to seek another lab for your PhD. A PhD is a long term project with lots of ups and downs. I personally think that having a good advisor is super important. More so than having the project of your dreams or being at a fancy shmancy university. It's an important decision, so give it some serious thought.