Lost Inspiration

[swampfox22]

So I'm a first year PhD student in History, and I was pretty much on top of my game in undergrad. I'm 22, went straight into a program without more than a few months summer break, and I cannot explain how worn out and exhausted I am. I love my instructors and classmates, all of whom are very friendly and a hell of a lot smarter than I am. That being said, I'm 800 miles away from home (I'm a Southerner living in New England), I feel burnt out, and my anxiety disorder is at an all time high when it comes to grading student papers and being a TA. I've noticed my lack of organization is an issue (I lost a couple of student grades which put me into panic mode), and that I have lost a lot of my passion for academic study/goal of a future pursuit of a tenure track job. Grad school is literally killing my love for history. I think worst of all, I despise theory/historiography. I just want to study history itself, not the circle-jerk of what other historians think about history (yes, yes spare me the historiography is important talk. I know it is, doesn' tmean I can understand it/enjoy it). What should I do? I'm thinking about taking a leave of absence. I'm not a quitter, and I don't want to quit because the chances of getting back in are slim to none. Should I push through? 

Edited November 3, 2015 by swampfox22

[rising_star]

You should do a few things, at least in my opinion.

1) Get an appointment to see a therapist/counselor ASAP. It's important to see if your anxiety is a medical issue which can be treated with medication. It's also always a good thing to get an outside perspective on everything that's happening and to have someone which can serve as a voice of reason or reality check.

2) Take a day to not work and do something for yourself. Read a novel, do some yoga, get a massage, go for a hike in the woods, etc. How do you feel after doing this?

A leave of absence isn't a terrible idea but it's also something you really shouldn't do in the middle of the semester. A lot of people feel burnt out in the first year so it's really a matter of getting a handle on your feelings about the field, the department, graduate school, TAing, etc. That's why I recommend talking to a therapist.

[TakeruK]

I want to second rising_star's suggestions. Please take some time for self-care! I find it's really important to do this to get through all parts of grad school. 

I also want to say that what you are feeling is actually "normal" in the sense that it's a common experience for many new graduate students to feel, especially in the first semester/year. I don't mean it's "normal" as in "this crappy way you're feeling is your life now and you just have to get used to it". Definitely not that at all. I am just saying that these struggles are common and it does not mean that you're not meant for grad school or that you're not meant for academia! In Canada, we do 2 separate grad programs for Masters and PhD and with both grad programs, the start was a little tough, very similar to what you're describing. What helped me a lot was hearing that established academics and professors who I respect tell me that they had similar struggles too!

Little things that people I know (and I have done) to fight "burn out" and self-care:

1. See a therapist. I hope your school has a lot of options that are free or covered by insurance. 1 in 5 students will see a therapist during their time in school. They are a resource that are meant to help us and seeing one doesn't mean you're broken! Also, if making an appointment is too scary, see if your school's health center has drop in therapy times. My school offers them one or two nights per week in the evenings.

2. Schedule and prioritize time to call/Skype home. We often wait until we have "free time" to do things like this, but I think we should just schedule it. Make it one of our day's priorities, same level as homework or grading. Taking time to take care of yourself is part of grad student work. 

3. Do things you enjoy! Join a sports club or take classes at the school gym, if that's what you enjoy. If you have a hobby, join the club for that at your school. Or, find something offered in the city and do this outside of school / off campus (usually school/on campus things may be cheaper though). Again, make sure you schedule this as a priority.

4. Monitor your work hours and optimize them. At one point, I found myself "working" 12 hours a day and feeling very burnt out but then I realised that I was not really effectively working at all. I would spend a lot of time doing other stuff during my work hours, which meant my productivity decreased, so then I worked longer hours, then I got more burnt out and needed more breaks, which meant my productivity decreased etc. It's a cycle. Now, I work fewer hours but try to get more done in that time. I limit myself to about 40 hours per week of work (not including lunch breaks and breaks for things like typing this post!)

5. Travel home! I have not been able to just take an impromptu trip home because it's more expensive and further away than a lot of my friends. But for those who are just a 2-3 hour flight away (or less), I know that many of my friends go home about one weekend every 1-2 months in their first year. Others who live further away will take longer, but less frequent trips. Thanksgiving and Christmas is coming up, so if those are big events for your family (or friends back home), perhaps that would be a great time to "recharge". For me, Canadian Thanksgiving happens a month earlier and my family doesn't celebrate Christmas, but I was able to get the same happiness from my new US friends.

6. If traveling is too expensive, then take time to do touristy things in your new home! Pretend that you're here as a tourist for a long weekend. Take an extra Friday or Monday off and see the sights. Or do one of the other things that you enjoy instead (reading, hiking, etc.) i.e. a "staycation". 

7. Know that it gets better! Speaking to the passion/inspiration part of things, I find that the minutiae of academic life very boring. I get what you mean by not enjoying historiography. There are aspects of my field that are absolutely important but I find completely boring and have no passion for. That's normal. It's okay! As you say, you know it's important, so it's not like you are dismissing it, it's just not your cup of tea, and that's fine. You don't have to be in love with everything you do and every part of your field. Sometimes I feel putting that pressure on yourself makes you feel even more burnt out.

8. One of the best ways to get me interested in my passion is talking about it with other people. Usually, the week or two after a conference is highly motivating and energetic for me. After several months of just working on something, looking at the fine details, it's really nice to step back and take a look at your work from the big picture point of view, which is what happens when we discuss our work at a conference. It may be hard to go to one during your first year, but if you know that these types of actions benefit you, you may be able to "simulate" it on campus. Maybe you want to take one half-day each month to write up a big picture summary of your work. Or, spend some time reading the big picture review articles. Or, start a discussion group with other students/postdocs and talk about big picture things in your field. In a lot of my peer groups, we try to avoid talking about work when we are socializing, but once a week, we purposely get together to talk about science over lunch!

Anyways, I hope some of these ideas are helpful in one way or another. I just want to say that what you are feeling is shared by a lot of other current and new graduate students too!

[hippyscientist]

I just wanted to comment and say I've been feeling very overwhelmed right now. I can (just about) do my work, I have a few deadlines and exams next week, my mum has a"friend" coming to stay with her who attacked her the last time she was here so I'm worried about that, my gran's going in for surgery tomorrow, my responsibilities as programme rep, and keeping up with training has just meant I feel I'm burning the candle not just at each end but in the middle too. TakeruKs advice has really resonated with me, so thank you! To swampfox, although I'm in a totally different field, I think it's safe to say you're not alone with feeling like you are. The advice above sounds excellent. 

[random_grad]

On 11/3/2015, 1:33:10, swampfox22 said:

 I think worst of all, I despise theory/historiography. I just want to study history itself, not the circle-jerk of what other historians think about history (yes, yes spare me the historiography is important talk. I know it is, doesn' tmean I can understand it/enjoy it). What should I do? I'm thinking about taking a leave of absence. I'm not a quitter, and I don't want to quit because the chances of getting back in are slim to none. Should I push through? 

1) I totally second what the above commenters have suggested in terms of seeing a therapist. Medication might not even be necessary - just talking to a professional can be very powerful, esp. if you are now alone. If no therapist is available right away, consider attending time- and stress-management workshops. You'll learn strategies and see that others are struggling with the same issues or even worse. A thing that may seem silly but is very important: do you eat well? do you have enough sleep? working less hours but sleeping adequately increases efficiency. you need to stay healthy (beyond not-being-sick) or it will affect your mood.

2) I can certainly relate to what you feel about theory. I'm currently in one course which is all about theory, and there are lots of people from outside of my home department so most of what they're discussing is... well... rather uninteresting to me, to say the least. Most of them are super-knowledgeable and enjoy this stuff, but there are others like me who'd rather talk about actual history, as you put it (esp. folks in my sub-field). I feel very dissatisfied with a lot of theory we read because it tends to be vague, pretentious and often tendentious. (I do enjoy historiography though). I think it helps to analyze, why you don't like theory/historiography. Is there something dissatisfying about it? Do you feel like the way it is presented is inadequate? How would you do it? I personally want to find a way to shift the theoretical discourse in my field, shift the way people write about theory. I find some of the features of major theoretical works downright unacceptable. I'm not gonna go on a rant here. Maybe I should make a post about this and see what people think. In any event... to change the way theory is done one needs to first get to master it. So that's my motivation. Try establishing what could be your motivation for understanding theory. Otherwise, for now, try approaching this as a necessary part of what you have to know, just like languages. Don't sweat over it too much, approach that mechanically. I'm sure many people do just that. I personally feel like I should start making tables and flashcards of sorts for the theory component if I want to stay on top of the game. It's like studying for another exam in the undergrad: just need to get through it for now.

3) This is a time of year when it's very hard to stay on top of your game. It's totally normal to feel burned out. I would suggest letting go of some of the unnecessary commitments which you've taken up. Are you on any committees? extracurriculars? do they bring you joy or only make you more tired? replace that time with more efficient relaxation time. it's all about finding a balance.

Edited November 6, 2015 by random_grad

[dr. t]

"Theory was invented mostly to reassure people in their forties, mostly men, who are worried." - Ursula K. LeGuin, "Introducing Myself"

Edited November 6, 2015 by telkanuru