Applying with your significant other

[abbythespoon]

Hello!

Does anyone have experience applying to grad school with their significant other? How did you both compromise/decide to go to separate or the same schools/etc? 

Thank you!

[Eigen]

We each came up with a list of schools that had departments we liked. 

Then we looked into potential fits at the other persons top schools, and filtered it down. 

Visited places together, and decided on what was the best fit for both of us.

[pandaaaa]

I think it really depends on what you want with your program and your relationship. I know of some couples that haven't taken each other into consideration (either from not being too serious, or being ok with a LDR for a few years), and I know some where being close to their SO was their priority in picking/choosing schools.

MY SO and I fall more in the latter category, mainly because we don't want a long distance relationship (and eventual marriage), and because his program will be 8 years. He is applying to MD/PhD programs, and I'm applying the PhD programs (generally in the biomedical sciences). We are shooting to go to the same school/city/commutable area, and are planning on getting married 2-3 years into school. 

We first made separate lists of schools that we were interested in applying to. Luckily, there was already ~90% overlap school-wise. At first, the list was big, and we discussed schools separately (funding status for the MD/PhD, being in a location for me to do a postdoc when he's done, etc). We finalized our lists together, ruling out schools that wouldn't be a good fit for either of us. We ended up mostly applying to schools in large cities with multiple programs for us (NYC, Boston, etc). I think it helped that neither of us knew exactly what we wanted to do for our PhD work, so there wasn't one PI at one school that we were really hoping to work with. So neither of us were really upset to cross a school off of our list.

We weren't sure if we should let schools know of our situation at first. Some of his apps actually asked him in the secondary if he is applying as a couple (Penn comes to mind), but he didn't mention it in others if it wasn't asked. When he started getting interview offers a few months ago, we weren't sure if I should include that info in my app somehow. I ended up calling coordinators of each program to ask them. Most were very understanding, and wanted me to include that info. Only a few told me not to mention it. My SO has mentioned our situation in all of his interviews, and everyone there has also been helpful. Most asked for me name/program, and said they'd keep an eye out. I'm just now starting to hear back from schools. I've received two interviews so far, both at schools where my SO interviewed, and I mentioned our situation in my PS.  From applying as a couple so far, we get the sense that it's appropriate to mention your two-body problem. I think it would really depend on what types of programs you and your SO are applying to. 

My advice is to do whatever you want. Even though my SO and I have been together for 4 years and know that we want to get married, I still received judgement from a couple people about taking him into consideration (rude). Just be honest about what you want career-wise and relationship-wise with yourself and your SO. Best of luck!

[Eigen]

We were married when I applied, and some schools gave that consideration. Had a couple that put in calls to the other department(s) when they were particularly interested in one of us, just like a spousal hire down the road. 

We had decided we were OK with a long distance thing for shorter periods of time, but not for the 6+ years of a PhD program.

[kokobanana]

My SO is starting the third year of his PhD and I'm currently applying for grad school. Honestly, it's been really tough the last few months because I have to balance the desire to stay close by and going somewhere that I know will be a great fit. My biggest fear is that I would sacrifice going somewhere that I love in order to stay in the same city and then carry a resentment about it for five years.... I want to believe that it wouldn't happen, but five years is a loooooong time.

I ended up applying only to schools that I was fairly confident that I would go if I was accepted. Two are in the same city as my SO, and four are scattered around the country. Of course moving away and doing long distance for 2+ years doesn't sound great, but neither does feeling regretful for 5 years wondering "What if I had just gone to XX?".  Talking about the entire process with my SO, including all of the potential outcomes, has been very important. Until then, I'm waiting on pins and needles.

Hopefully in a few months I can provide a more cheerful update!

I also know a couple that applied to PhD programs (in the same field) simultaneously. They took the same approach that pandaaaa did and ended up applying to big cities with multiple schools to maximize their chances of being close together. They have been together for 7+ years, and 5 years apart didn't sound like it was an option for them. They ended up going to the same program, so it all worked out!

[Gvh]

My SO is currently in his 5th year of his PhD and has potentially 1-2 years left, and I am currently applying for grad school. The plan is for me to apply widely (though I chose schools in cities that would work for both of us) and then for us to decide together wherever I get options to see which is the best fit for my grad school experience and his postdoc experience. Luckily his field is quite interdisciplinary so there are number of types of labs he could join. Obviously, this means there will be a ~6month-1 year gap between his finishing and my starting but we figure it's doable knowing there is an end-date in sight. I definitely don't know how 5+ years of long distance is an option for anyone!

Edited December 11, 2015 by Gvh

[Crucial BBQ]

When I went through this with my ex, we generally selected programs within the same city or at least within commuting distance.  This was easy for us because each of those programs/schools were in major cities and as such held options for us both.  However, there were other schools on our lists that did not match up and in general the plan was to see where the acceptances were and then go from there.  This will not fly with some on here but ultimately we loved and respected each other enough to allow the other person to seek their own life path, and that is what it ultimately came down to. I had hope that we would get back together at some point, and that thought carried me through the day initially, but that did not happen, either, and we are now in good places, respectively.  

[bdnf_13.1]

3 hours ago, Gvh said:

My SO is currently in his 5th year of his PhD and has potentially 1-2 years left, and I am currently applying for grad school. The plan is for me to apply widely (though I chose schools in cities that would work for both of us) and then for us to decide together wherever I get options to see which is the best fit for my grad school experience and his postdoc experience. Luckily his field is quite interdisciplinary so there are number of types of labs he could join. Obviously, this means there will be a ~6month-1 year gap between his finishing and my starting but we figure it's doable knowing there is an end-date in sight. I definitely don't know how 5+ years of long distance is an option for anyone!

My boyfriend is in his first year and I am currently applying. We are in different fields- we actually met in high school and are still together after spending undergrad apart. I am applying 90% to schools where we could either spend every single weekend together or live in between our schools and commute. If I could go to the same school as him I would, but they don't have a program in my field.