First Generation Issues

[Deadwing0608]

Hi All,

Going to be having a meeting with my committee in the next week and I know that one of the issues for me to work on that will come up will be my participation in seminars. This is something I struggle with. I have gotten better in the past year, but I am nowhere near where I need to be comparable to my peers...It's gotten chalked up as shyness so far, but that's not really it. I am not generally shy. I do tend to be quiet and I think slowly on my feet, but that's not the same thing...really, the problem is that I am just uncomfortable and inexperienced in the seminars. I'm a first generation, non-traditional college student, and this is my first real go at articulating my interpretations/opinions of readings in seminars. I never imagined myself going to college (just barely graduated high school!), let alone landing in an elite PhD program (I didn't even know what graduate school was until the last year of my BA). It's intimidating sitting in a room full of people who, as far as my knowledge goes, always considered education a part of their lives, something they had a right to. This is all very new to me, and I think it shows the most in the seminars. I feel like that ability to participate/articulate thoughts/etc are skills that I am only just now starting to build where the rest of my cohort have been building them their entire lives....

So, my question. Should I leave things with my committee at "I am shy and will continue to work on this," or should I consider being more forthcoming. The issues that accompany coming from a lower class background in higher education are thorny and one part of me thinks they ought to be acknowledged, and the other isn't sure I want to go there....

Thanks!

[Cheshire_Cat]

I am about as not-first generation as it gets, and I have problems with speaking up in seminars.  My dad has his Ph.D, my grandfather was a doctor, my great-grandmother had multiple masters degrees, and my great grandfather was the chancolor of a university system.  My dad is my best friend, so we talk a lot.  I have been around professors all my life.  I had problems not understanding the way the world works off of campus because until I was 22, life revolved around the university.

And yet, somehow, in seminars and workshops, I oftentimes find myself intimidated, shy, and tounge tied when I try to speak up.  Go figure. All of that to say, you may feel like it is a first generation problem, and those of us who have been around academia are better at it, but sometimes we are not. I am a stuttering mess, haha!

Now, there have been other situations where I have had to deal with my stuttering mess of a brain, so here is what I have learned.  Set a goal to speak up a certain number of times and prepare what you want to say before class.  Maybe at first you will have the goal to speak up only once,  but then you can increase it.  It helps with the pressure. You know that you only have to say one thing, but then you can just listen.  After a while, it won't feel as forced and you will get better at it. The eventual goal is to not have to plan ahead what you want to say, but at first, planning may help you to organize your thoughts better.

[fuzzylogician]

Whether or not you want to tell this story to your committee depends on your relationship with them. Do you think they'll be supportive and understanding, or are you concerned that their impression of you might change? If you don't know them well enough or you're concerned, you might do better to discuss this in a one-on-one conversation with just one of your committee members who you feel the most comfortable with. 

That said, I can confirm that the problem of participation in seminars is definitely not limited to first-generation non-traditional students. It's actually pretty common. I can guarantee you that the other students in the class, who you perceive as fast on their feet and more knowledgeable than you, are stressing out about their performance just as much as you are, and comparing themselves to you and not liking what they see. It happens to everyone. @Cheshire_Cat gives good advice on how to deal with this: setting manageable goals is a very good way to start. At first it may seem forced, and in fact you may actually want to prepare a comment or two ahead of time, if that's an option, but with time it'll become more natural, until eventually you'll stop even thinking about it. Same will go for teaching, conference presentations, asking questions at conferences, interviewing, etc. It may not come naturally at first, but with time and practice, you can most definitely do it. 

[St Andrews Lynx]

If it does come up in the committee meeting (and it may not even be as big as issue to them as it is to you), then I'd ask your committee members for advice on how to better contribute to seminars. Maybe they can share some of their tips? That changes it from a problem you need to explain/excuse, to something that you are coming up with strategies to improve. It's all about framing!

It sounds like you are suffering from common or garden variety Imposter Syndrome, something that most academics suffer from at one or more points in their careers. Don't worry too much!

 

[drivingthoughts]

@Deadwing0608 Your mileage may vary with this but... I'm a first gen student too and I had the opposite problem - I think very quickly on my feet and unintentionally railroad folk on a regular basis. I'm an ENFP, loud, and opinionated = not everyone's favorite person in seminars. One well-tuned advisor of mine suggested I check out something called "assertiveness training/counseling". I talked to one of the school's psychologists (not my department) and she recommended a therapist to me who dealt in such things. It was a fun time, about 5 group sessions; I was the only "assertive" person in the group, and as I learned how to shut up, listen and appropriately engage, the other folk learned to express what they were feeling and thinking.  @St Andrews Lynx's comment about imposter syndrome is quite possible too; on that note, and related to what I said above, therapy is never a bad idea. Self-care comes before dealing with others, and many schools cover such visits for their grad students!

[juilletmercredi]

I'm first-generation and I had this issue, but for a different reason. I like to think a lot before I speak up in public and often by the time I had my thoughts formulated the "moment" had passed. I solved this problem (mostly) by writing notes out beforehand, including making little post-it notes of 2-3 comments I could potentially make in class.

As to whether or not you should share it - I think this depends on what you intend to get out of sharing it, and how you think it'll help your committee help you or frame your needs. Personally I would see no benefit to it 80% of the time - "I'm shy and am working on this" conveys all of the necessary information, and your advisors can help you without the backstory. But you may feel more comfortable with them knowing the backstory so they have some context for the advice they give you. So it's really up to whether or not you feel comfortable and want to tell - but you don't have to.