Please Grade my first Practise Essay for GRE

[Akshita]

As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

Techonological development is one of the best thing that has happened with humans, it has opened the window of knowledge. It has helped human to delve underneath the complex mysteries of nature and solve most complex of problems.Technology has brought  the best out of human race.
With the rapid globalisation and multitudes of information revolving around us each day, it is almost impossible for humans to extract the necessary information and this is where technology comes to our rescue. It reduces the time that we will waste in doing unnecessary tasks rather than focusing on core tasks. It helps in cutting the crap so that we can focus on what's important. One example of this may running of a linear regression in excel, that without technology we could have done manually. Nevertheless, with the help of technology we cut back on that time and rather invest the saved time in interpreting the results. Ultimately human reliance on technology helps to stay focussed on the key tasks rather than wasting time on tasks that require more of physical labor.
Technology helps human in connecting and experiencing the things which might be beyond traditional connection such as we can listen to President's speech on our TV sets at our home instead of being physically present at the venue and grasping. We can with the help of technology we are now able to diagnose the deadly desiese timely and devise a cure, thus saving a human life. Technology helps in openning a entire new world to us like cosmos, genetics which we were completely oblivious to. Thus technology can help in developing the human race not only intellectually but physically as well.
However, excess to anything make it bad and the same goes with technology. Overdependence on technology for even basic needs can make human lose ability to perform certain tasks like, with the overdependence of people on typing on their keyboards the handwriting has actually deterioted.Thus there should be a limit and restraint to which we as a human decide to depend on technology.
Dependence on Technology can't be blamed just because of certain petty cases rather we should look the hollistic picture of how techology has helped human to elvove and come to an age where they are not only saving human life through it but also making this world a better place for other living creatures as well. Thus technology has brought best out of humans.

[Apogeee]

You have made a good start here. My suggestion is that you take a course in college writing as part of your GRE preparation. 

I have written some comments about areas in which you can focus your initial efforts. If you are not looking for feedback, please ignore my comments. 

What is your thesis statement? It belongs in the first paragraph. Write a strong thesis statement and then connect all of the points you make throughout the essay to that thesis statement. You have to actually make a point. You have said a lot of words, but you haven't given any evidence for any of your assertions.

Do not use any words you cannot spell. Also, choose either British spelling or American spelling, and remain consistent.

You should work to improve your ability to use the grammatical concept of number. For example the standard expressions are, "one of the best things" and "It has helped humans". This problem comes up in several places throughout your essay.

Also, it will help you to investigate the concept of when to use a comma vs. a period.

"Technology has brought the best of the human race"... What does this mean? Explain and give examples.

"It is almost impossible for humans to extract the necessary information"... What does this mean?

What are core tasks? What are unnecessary tasks? Give examples.

"Cutting the crap" is colloquial. Use of colloquialism is not appropriate in GRE writing. Nor is it appropriate at any other stage in the graduate admissions process. Find another way to express your idea.

"One example of this may running of" ...Reword this, and explain what you meant.

"Technology helps human in connecting and experiencing the things which might be beyond traditional connection such as we can listen to President's speech on our TV sets at our home instead of being physically present at the venue and grasping. " This needs to be rewritten.

"Technology helps in openning a entire new world to us like cosmos, genetics which we were completely oblivious to." Rewrite this. What do you mean by "cosmos" here? Don't end the sentence with a preposition. And what does the whole section mean? Explain your ideas, give examples, and give supporting evidence.

"Overdependence on technology for even basic needs can make human lose ability to perform certain tasks like, with the overdependence" Reword this. "like, with" is problematic. Do not repeat words. 

"they are not only saving human life through it but also making" Reword this.

Good luck on your GRE. When do you plan to take the test?

[woodssmith89]

You have made a good start, but you should be more clear about your objective. That makes easier for the reader to understand. You should also involve thesis statement which is very important of your essay. You should also collect some more examples from daily life which can work as a big boost for your essay and would be more direct towards the reader. You should have some more facts about the topic. You should also be careful about the spelling mistakes which is one basis of a quality essay writing. Overall your essay was fine, but you should take care of these things

 

 

Edited June 27, 2016 by woodssmith89