Not fitting in with the other new grads?

[NeedCoffee]

I am a new graduate student in my dream school. Despite orientation and various social activities with the other new grads, I am always finding myself with no one to speak with or socialize with.

Today, really hit me hard. We had a meeting and a new grad sat next to me. To be honest, I got excited to start to make a friend at my new university. Not even a second later, another group of new grads sat down and told the one who sat next to me to move and sit with them so they moved and I sat alone. Another similar experience happened earlier this week when a grad flat out ignored me and began conversing with the grad next to me. 

I am a very social person and had many many friends at my last university. I never felt so out of place. All the new grads made their 'groups', and it feels as if I am in high school all over again. It is to the point now that I do not arrive to class until a couple minutes before it starts to avoid being ignored, and mainly confine myself to my office to work. I have never been treated this way and do not know what to do. 

[AP]

Well, give it time. This is just the beginning. You will find LOTS of activities and events to socialize more and since you define as a very social person, I'd say relax, and initiate conversations. It is not easy, but it seems to me you are demanding a lot from yourself on the first week. Just smile!

Also, it might be useful to organize something: a bbq, a tennis game, a movie night. If you want it, make it happen!

[sjoh197]

1 hour ago, NeedCoffee said:

I am a new graduate student in my dream school. Despite orientation and various social activities with the other new grads, I am always finding myself with no one to speak with or socialize with.

Today, really hit me hard. We had a meeting and a new grad sat next to me. To be honest, I got excited to start to make a friend at my new university. Not even a second later, another group of new grads sat down and told the one who sat next to me to move and sit with them so they moved and I sat alone. Another similar experience happened earlier this week when a grad flat out ignored me and began conversing with the grad next to me. 

I am a very social person and had many many friends at my last university. I never felt so out of place. All the new grads made their 'groups', and it feels as if I am in high school all over again. It is to the point now that I do not arrive to class until a couple minutes before it starts to avoid being ignored, and mainly confine myself to my office to work. I have never been treated this way and do not know what to do. 

Not that it is much help... but if you never come out of your office, and only arrive to classes or events as they start... nothing will change and you won't end up being friends anyways. 

This really sucks, and I hope things get better. We had a situation like this at my previous university, and I didn't end up befriending many people because of it. But you have to give it some time. 

[Pink Fuzzy Bunny]

Have you tried going to the social events, or striking up conversation with new people?

[Neist]

I have a growing inclination that this is me.

I certainly empathize, but remember, you're there to grow as a scholar. I think I'll have cordial relationships with fellow graduate students, but little else. Perhaps this is a flavor of impostor syndrome? I've never experienced it, but I might call what I'm feeling now as a variation of it.

[fuzzylogician]

It sucks. It's not clear why this is happening; maybe you don't know. It might be completely outside of your control to fix; sometimes there are just very weird dynamics among such small groups of people, especially if many of them are as awkward as academics tend to be. But I would suggest giving it a bit more time and staying friendly, despite how discouraging it must feel. As others have said, if you don't give it a real chance, you won't find new friends, and you want to at least have cordial relationships with them. 

That said, I would also remind you that there is life outside of your cohort. You didn't mention if this was a MA program or a PhD, but in both cases there are at least some other people not in your year. Possibly many, if it's a PhD program. For what it's worth, the vast majority of my friends were from the year above mine and the year below it. Once I found them (which took about a year, mind you), I was very happy. And there are people outside of your program altogether. I am not claiming it would be fun not to have friends in your program, but a social friendly person who usually has no trouble making friends can count on themselves to do it again, if not with one group then with another. 

[NeedCoffee]

1 hour ago, AP said:

Well, give it time. This is just the beginning. You will find LOTS of activities and events to socialize more and since you define as a very social person, I'd say relax, and initiate conversations. It is not easy, but it seems to me you are demanding a lot from yourself on the first week. Just smile!

Also, it might be useful to organize something: a bbq, a tennis game, a movie night. If you want it, make it happen!

Actually, I just finished my third week and orientation started 5 weeks ago. This is probably the main reason why every has established groups already. I am always one to start conversations and approach new people, but this group is horrible for me to be myself.

[NeedCoffee]

15 minutes ago, fuzzylogician said:

It sucks. It's not clear why this is happening; maybe you don't know. It might be completely outside of your control to fix; sometimes there are just very weird dynamics among such small groups of people, especially if many of them are as awkward as academics tend to be. But I would suggest giving it a bit more time and staying friendly, despite how discouraging it must feel. As others have said, if you don't give it a real chance, you won't find new friends, and you want to at least have cordial relationships with them. 

That said, I would also remind you that there is life outside of your cohort. You didn't mention if this was a MA program or a PhD, but in both cases there are at least some other people not in your year. Possibly many, if it's a PhD program. For what it's worth, the vast majority of my friends were from the year above mine and the year below it. Once I found them (which took about a year, mind you), I was very happy. And there are people outside of your program altogether. I am not claiming it would be fun not to have friends in your program, but a social friendly person who usually has no trouble making friends can count on themselves to do it again, if not with one group then with another. 

Yes, the group of grads are all mixed in reguards to masters and PhD students. There is about 30 new grads this year in the college, with all differing interests and advisors. It just sucks that at meetings and social events the department holds, they go straight to their little groups. We have known each other for several weeks and I seen to be the only one who ends up alone. Even when I initiate conversations, they ignore me. Maybe I am just being too needy, but I really do not want my time here to just consist of me and my desk. 

[AP]

8 hours ago, NeedCoffee said:

Actually, I just finished my third week and orientation started 5 weeks ago. This is probably the main reason why every has established groups already. I am always one to start conversations and approach new people, but this group is horrible for me to be myself.

Do really think five weeks will condition five years? Do you really think that these groups are for life? I have a theory that says that people that have just met each other will be kind and friendly for about three months. After that time, they will show their real self. It happened with one of my roommates and it happened with my first 'friend' ever in grad school. Towards the end of the semester, we were both being less diplomatic and more... assertive. So I insist on the give it time thing.

Now, if you don't want to give it time, then change the circumstances. IOrganize something. Find out when people's birthday's are. Study in a common area so that people see you and approach you. Suggest a study group. Organize a pool party. 

Now, if you don't want to do this, then my question is, do you need to get along in your cohort? In my program, we are all from different fields so we don't need to get along because eventually we set different paths. But maybe this is not the case for you. What worked for me -unintendedly- was to join clubs and find a campus job. Today, I cannot walk to the dinning hall without someone saying hi. Pff I'm popular hahahaha. No, seriously though. Maybe finding an 'external' group can also help you relax about making friends in your cohort. Does this make sense? 

Are you sharing courses with any of these new students? 

[TakeruK]

I second AP's suggestions. If more interaction with your cohort is what you want, then I'd take the initiative now and take the lead. Academics are super awkward and when it's the first few weeks**, people sometimes just make friends with the first person they meet and then stick to them all the times so that they know someone! This might discourage them from taking risks to make new friends (e.g. you). So, you need to be the driving force! **Your first few weeks may seem very long but over the 5+ years of your degree, it will be a short time!

Here are some things that I do when I start a new program to make friends (and what I do now to keep building these relationships):

1. We all have offices along a hallway, typically. In the morning, I visit my colleagues in their offices. Just to chat and say hi. Maybe share something exciting that happened. Ask about their weekend plans. Ask how their weekend went etc. 

2. When going to class, I actually go a bit earlier, so that whomever I sit next to at the beginning, we have a few minutes before class begins to chat. 

3. I do homework in groups. In my field/programs, it's highly recommended to work in groups because it takes way too long to do it all yourself. Also, the homework are designed so that you learn while discussing them with your classmates. If you're nervous about approaching others to hang out for a social thing, consider asking them if they would want to work on homework X together at a specified time.

4. At lunch time, people generally go along the hallways and ask who else is interested. In my programs, typically there will be a lunch group every day (not the same people each day since we have other plans too but there's always at least 5 or 6 people in the program together) If this doesn't already happen, you can start it! Alternatively, if lunch is too big of a commitment, consider coming around at 10am or 2pm and see if anyone wants coffee (or tea).

5. Make effort to interact with people when you are outside of your office. e.g. if you're in the kitchen and someone else is there, stop and say hi. Ask them how their day is going (ask it in a way that invites actual dialogue instead of just "fine, and yours?" 

6. Once you have some of the above things going, incorporate visits to colleagues as part of your work culture. I think I am in each of the other 4 grad student offices at least 2 or 3 times per week. For many of us, the main advantage/reason of going into the office to work (instead of just reading at home or in the library) is interactions with our colleagues. When I'm stuck on something, I go to a friend. When I want to celebrate my code working, I visit a friend and share the good news. It's reciprocated too---people come to me for advice on things I'm supposed to be good at! This collegial and collaborative environment is what makes academia awesome, so I'd work to foster it. 

7. Say yes. Especially in the beginning, say "yes" to more social events than you might normally say yes to. If someone invites you to X, for the first semester, I'd say go to it. You have so many people to meet and even if you're a more introverted person, consider it an investment in your future. After you say yes to a bunch of events and attend, you'll continue to get more invitations and after a semester or so, being more selective on what you have energy to attend is okay. However, if it turns out that you decline the first 2 or 3 invites, people may just stop inviting you to things. 

Finally, I also want to second what fuzzy said---you don't have to feel obligated to fit in and make friends with your cohort. If you truly don't like them or if you don't want to do these things, then don't! There are many other great people in other departments (e.g. meeting via university clubs) or in the town/city you live in (e.g. look for groups for young professionals in your city or some other club/hobby/sports team). 

[NeedCoffee]

2 hours ago, TakeruK said:

I second AP's suggestions. If more interaction with your cohort is what you want, then I'd take the initiative now and take the lead. Academics are super awkward and when it's the first few weeks**, people sometimes just make friends with the first person they meet and then stick to them all the times so that they know someone! This might discourage them from taking risks to make new friends (e.g. you). So, you need to be the driving force! **Your first few weeks may seem very long but over the 5+ years of your degree, it will be a short time!

Here are some things that I do when I start a new program to make friends (and what I do now to keep building these relationships):

1. We all have offices along a hallway, typically. In the morning, I visit my colleagues in their offices. Just to chat and say hi. Maybe share something exciting that happened. Ask about their weekend plans. Ask how their weekend went etc. 

2. When going to class, I actually go a bit earlier, so that whomever I sit next to at the beginning, we have a few minutes before class begins to chat. 

3. I do homework in groups. In my field/programs, it's highly recommended to work in groups because it takes way too long to do it all yourself. Also, the homework are designed so that you learn while discussing them with your classmates. If you're nervous about approaching others to hang out for a social thing, consider asking them if they would want to work on homework X together at a specified time.

4. At lunch time, people generally go along the hallways and ask who else is interested. In my programs, typically there will be a lunch group every day (not the same people each day since we have other plans too but there's always at least 5 or 6 people in the program together) If this doesn't already happen, you can start it! Alternatively, if lunch is too big of a commitment, consider coming around at 10am or 2pm and see if anyone wants coffee (or tea).

5. Make effort to interact with people when you are outside of your office. e.g. if you're in the kitchen and someone else is there, stop and say hi. Ask them how their day is going (ask it in a way that invites actual dialogue instead of just "fine, and yours?" 

6. Once you have some of the above things going, incorporate visits to colleagues as part of your work culture. I think I am in each of the other 4 grad student offices at least 2 or 3 times per week. For many of us, the main advantage/reason of going into the office to work (instead of just reading at home or in the library) is interactions with our colleagues. When I'm stuck on something, I go to a friend. When I want to celebrate my code working, I visit a friend and share the good news. It's reciprocated too---people come to me for advice on things I'm supposed to be good at! This collegial and collaborative environment is what makes academia awesome, so I'd work to foster it. 

7. Say yes. Especially in the beginning, say "yes" to more social events than you might normally say yes to. If someone invites you to X, for the first semester, I'd say go to it. You have so many people to meet and even if you're a more introverted person, consider it an investment in your future. After you say yes to a bunch of events and attend, you'll continue to get more invitations and after a semester or so, being more selective on what you have energy to attend is okay. However, if it turns out that you decline the first 2 or 3 invites, people may just stop inviting you to things. 

Finally, I also want to second what fuzzy said---you don't have to feel obligated to fit in and make friends with your cohort. If you truly don't like them or if you don't want to do these things, then don't! There are many other great people in other departments (e.g. meeting via university clubs) or in the town/city you live in (e.g. look for groups for young professionals in your city or some other club/hobby/sports team). 

Thank you for this. This made me feel a little better. I am taking two classes and most of them are in those classes. There was a group activity today, but of course I attempted to make a group but ended up working alone. I am begining it is just how these students are as I never encountered this. *sighs* I am really missing my old university and friends. As everyone says, it takes time but it is hard to see everyone interacting and hanging out with each other and I am in the background. It is almost as if I got left behind. Even during initial orientation, I was the first to approach everyone and introduce myself and asked others about their research interests. This is the first time I ever thought about having this kind of attitude, but I am done trying with the new gradsand need to focus on my own research. They seem to already found who they want to socialize with. In time, I will go out to meet other students from entirely different programs. It would have been nice to talk about research as my family has no idea what I do or even study (I have been frowned at for going to colloege) so I cannot really talk about it with them. And my office is in another building from all the other grads. I started in the summer and everyone else started a few weeks ago so they have offices in the new building (their desks are in one big open space). On the brightside, I have a huge office to myself and bring my dog in there on the weekends when I work

[TakeruK]

1 hour ago, NeedCoffee said:

 And my office is in another building from all the other grads. I started in the summer and everyone else started a few weeks ago so they have offices in the new building (their desks are in one big open space). On the brightside, I have a huge office to myself and bring my dog in there on the weekends when I work

Oh, yeah, being in a different building increases the barriers! Also, arriving at a different time. Sometimes, in my program, there are two batches of arrivals (in June/July and in Sept) and the two batches generally form their own social groups at first, but once everyone works together for classes, people merge better.

If you'd like, you can consider asking for a desk with everyone else. Being in the same open space office would make a big difference in integrating. However, there are certainly advantages to your current setup too so it's a choice!

[Visualizer]

I feel this way too, but a way I kind of don't care. The vast majority of graduate students are at such a different stage of life than where I'm at that I wouldn't WANT to be in a social group with them. Of course I want to get along on a professional level with the people who I will be forced to collaborate with in research, but other than that I don't mind being the odd one out. But, yes, I've found that graduate students, especially in a small program, can be "cliquish".