Could you please evaluate my GRE issue essay?

[hopefulPA2B]

This is my first go at this. Because I timed myself, it may be rough (and maybe easier for you to grade). I understand I may need more length to this, but I am more interested in critiques on having clearly addressed the instructions and the creativity in persuading the audience. Here is a scoring guide to help: https://www.ets.org/gre/revised_general/prepare/analytical_writing/issue/scoring_guide

Everything else is below. Thank you in advance!

Prompt:

The best way to teach is to praise positive actions and ignore negative ones.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.

 

 

 

My essay:

Correct methods of teachings have been explored, experimeted, and evolved within the past few decades. To a great measure, the public at large is interested in how to better teach students, children, and their collegues. In the preceeding paragraph, the author states that the best method of teaching is to praise positive actions, and ignore the negative ones. In my view, the best way to teach is not so simple as to praise positive actions and ignore the negative ones, but to address why those negative actions are wrong.

Everyone is probably familiar with the phrase, “we learn from our mistakes.” In reality, one may learn just as much learn from their mistakes as they learn from their successes. The light bulb, an essential appliance to the modern-day industry, was tried and experimented over a hundred times before the recipe was finally realized. Thus, clear differentiating between what is good and what is bad, what is helpful and what is not, is necessary to successful teaching.  Consider, for example, a bulgary occurred today at the local bank. If the local police ignored the bulgary, that, of course, would not help prevent future bulgaries.

Secondly, if a teacher only praises positive actions, the person acting may not be truly convinced to continue those good actions. A child, for example, may become accustomed to doing good deeds only if there is a reward involved. Therefore, good intentions may be absent from the child, and may only practice good actions when the reward is present.

In conclusion, it is clear how simply praising positive acitons and ignoring negative ones is a lesser form of teaching. Successful teaching comes from adressing mistakes and correcting them so that positive actions can be practiced in more abundance.

[TK2]

Mmmmm.... going to give this a try, and take it all with a grain of salt. I'd give you a weak 4, maybe even a 3.5.

  - You have some fairly jarring mistakes in grammar, and use of vocabulary. "Good intentions may be absent from the child." "Practiced in more abundance." 

- The logical support and examples are a little wonky. The burglary example makes little sense. Surely a teaching-related example is more appropriate, not to mention more common in most people's lives, not to mention its not great logic. Positive reinforcement in a school setting is very different social and ethical context from law enforcement. The lightbulb is also coming from a somewhat different situation. You don't have any example of the role of praise/disapproval in education at all, just quite scattered points about things that work and things that don't. 

- The overall chain of ideas otherwise is good - "learning from mistakes," as pro, conditioning as con -  but you need to support the second paragraph with more substance (and the first with relevant substance) 

- The whole thing is a little on the short side. I'd say your first paragraph, simply restating the question, is a waste of your time. You seem to be struggling to write a lot within the time limit, so go straight to the meat of your argument. 

Good luck!

[hopefulPA2B]

13 hours ago, TK2 said:

Mmmmm.... going to give this a try, and take it all with a grain of salt. I'd give you a weak 4, maybe even a 3.5.

  - You have some fairly jarring mistakes in grammar, and use of vocabulary. "Good intentions may be absent from the child." "Practiced in more abundance." 

- The logical support and examples are a little wonky. The burglary example makes little sense. Surely a teaching-related example is more appropriate, not to mention more common in most people's lives, not to mention its not great logic. Positive reinforcement in a school setting is very different social and ethical context from law enforcement. The lightbulb is also coming from a somewhat different situation. You don't have any example of the role of praise/disapproval in education at all, just quite scattered points about things that work and things that don't. 

- The overall chain of ideas otherwise is good - "learning from mistakes," as pro, conditioning as con -  but you need to support the second paragraph with more substance (and the first with relevant substance) 

- The whole thing is a little on the short side. I'd say your first paragraph, simply restating the question, is a waste of your time. You seem to be struggling to write a lot within the time limit, so go straight to the meat of your argument. 

Good luck!

 

 

Thank you TK2! Great insights. It's so so difficult for me to think of so much and write it all down in just 30 minutes. I'll need to spend more time writing/practicing. I'll post more here. Thanks again.