first attempt at personal statement

[blu_skyee]

Hi, I wrote my first essay for grad school admissions and I don't think it's very good. Please critique and help me out with some feedback. I don't really have anyone around to read it for me so any advice helps.

Also, I just want to say that I pretty much wrote as much as I could in one session so this is very rough.

 

I included the instructions they gave me as well.

 

 

MSF Essays

Your essay should be single-spaced using 12 point font. Essays may be up to two-pages. Please follow the instructions on length and label each page with your name.

Personal Statement In your personal statement, you should consider addressing the following:  Why you want to enroll in the Georgetown MSF Program?  Why do you want to attend Georgetown University?  Why should the Admissions Committee accept you?  What are your career aspirations and expectations upon receiving your MSF degree?

 

 

 Personal Statement

I do not remember much about my time in high school, even though it did not happen that long ago. There is one thing though that I will never forget. My guidance counselor asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and instead of saying “I don’t know” like most kids, 16-year-old me only said one word: Happy. And amongst all the adolescent angst and what I considered to be life or death problems, I had one thing straight that most adults have yet to figure out: being happy is the goal, not having a house or a car, but being truly content with yourself.

I find it almost derisory how easy it was for me to lose track of what’s important in life in just a couple of years. I forgot to put myself first and to make the choices that were right for me and not for others around me. In my eagerness to please the people that I looked up to, I struggled through a major I disliked which resulted in less than favorable grades at the beginning of university. I finally woke up and changed my major from Chemistry to Psychology and things got better. Not long after, I was so involved in the department that I didn’t have time for myself. Now, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but as I was doing research and peer advising for multiple professors on top of having two demanding jobs I didn’t give myself the chance to breathe and think. I never considered these things weaknesses because I felt satisfied with my life. The problem was that it wasn’t until the academic year ended that I realized that where I was going professionally was merely the natural progression of events rather than what I wanted.

At the beginning of the Summer, I was in a special place. I had just graduated from college and, like most people, I was terrified of what was ahead. My last year of college I worked harder than I had in a long time, but still I did not feel fulfilled with my accomplishments. I realized that something was missing. While everyone around me was so proud and excited for the future, I felt like I had gotten to a dead end. I had my diploma, but now what? I spent the next couple of months researching other career paths for myself and I was drawn to finance. There was an unmistakable interest in the subject that I could not ignore. I found myself reading articles and watching videos about finance and I always had more and more questions. A sort of thirst to know more and it was so strong that I began to explore graduate programs. I quickly realized that the Georgetown MSF Program was the best fit for me because I am the type of student the program is looking for. Although I have no academic background in Finance, I am driven by a genuine desire to learn the most difficult finance topics and apply them to the real world.

I want to enroll in the Georgetown MSF Program because it is flexible without compromising the things that I value most in learning: student-teacher interaction and the possibility of having classroom discussions on the topics being presented. I tend to be an active participant in a classroom and I always ask questions and participate in the conversation. This program is appealing to me because the distance learning option doesn’t take away from the interpersonal aspect and it doesn’t hinder the possibility of establishing relationships with professors and other students. This is very important to me because, even though, if accepted, I am planning to relocate to Washington, D. C. there is the possibility that I may have a job or other responsibilities that would make it easier for me to stay here in Florida at the moment the program starts and I wouldn’t want to miss out on the opportunity to learn what you have to teach me merely because of distance.

I’m also looking forward to participating in the residency programs.  I think it’s really exciting to have the opportunity of working on a global consulting project with a real firm. This kind of experiences will prepare me for the career that I want. Just looking at the curriculum and all the challenging opportunities for growth make me feel confident in the quality of education that I would be getting. This plays a major role on why I want to go to Georgetown. I want to be a part of that community. The resources available to students are superb. Even as a prospective student, I have received tremendous support from the school and that shows me the degree of dedication to your students’ success. The fact that Georgetown is in an amazing location with lots of activities and career opportunities is also a major bonus.

I aspire to work in Financial Services once I receive my MSF degree. By the time I graduate I will, hopefully, have 2-3 years of experience working in the field which will help me get a CFP certification and work as a Financial Advisor. Ideally, I would work for an established firm for a couple of years and once I have made a name for myself and built a client base I will open my own fee-only financial advising firm. I also think it’s important to give back to your community so I would like to establish an educational program for adolescents. I’ve always considered that young people don’t get enough exposure to basic personal finance principles so, in time, I would like to provide that service to my community.

 

 

 

 

 

[Egnomic]

You spend too much time talking about irrelevant things. Forget everything before high school. Forget your decision making process, they don't care. Do not use contractions, they are informal. No one cares about you wanting to relocate. Discuss your weakness briefly and gave them a positive aspect somehow and keep closer to the end. What have you done? What's your experience? Describe them in details. No one cares what you are like in the classroom for the most part

Discuss your achievements and career aspirations and the reason you're interested in finance. For research based programs, this is a research statement, not a personal statement. Since this is course based, you need to figure out something else to discuss, not too sure on that. Why you want to pursue that career in detail, maybe?

[TakeruK]

Here is my honest feedback. I stopped reading after the first paragraph. It is very arrogant and condescending. In just 4 sentences, you manage to insult two broad groups of people: your former classmates in high school and "all adults". 

[Warelin]

^ The people above this make some good points that need to be considered.

I'd also like to add that oftentimes the PS is used to determine who faculty want to spend time with for more campus-based programs. However, this sounds like it's not campus-based. Because it is not campus-based, they don't care that you think their location is great. And you haven't answered their question: Why Georgetown? What about Georgetown is so unique from its competitors that you need this degree from Georgetown? In essence, they want to know if you understand their culture.

[socratease]

I agree with the first commenter about that first paragraph. Additionally, your anecdote about answering "happy" to your teacher is a beaten cliche. Even if it really happened, it comes off has totally contrived.