Weird form of education guilt/imposter syndrome

[phdthoughts]

I'm sure this train of thought is the byproduct of the holidays, a couple of days off of work to slow down and think and waiting for decisions on my submitted apps. That being said, without even being accepted anywhere yet - just the act of applying I kind of feel, well...guilty.

I have a relative that is 20 times smarter than me (never got less than an A in school- never really had to "try" academically), a sister-in-law who is so incredibly smart (and raising a genius). And another friend who is similarly gifted. I on the other hand, struggled in certain academic areas (good in others) and had to overcome some of these struggles. My decision to apply has been made easier because I don't have kids and have a super supportive partner willing to accompany me on this adventure.

Which is all great, but I keep thinking, and I'm the one applying to PhD programs? What gives me the right when other people are clearly more gifted and smart. And, I can't help but think that these relatives and friends are secretly thinking the same thing - and if I don't succeed, are going to think - yep, exactly. She was living in this delusion. Which I'm sure is not reality (and these are good people btw). Still, the guilt!

I'm sure someone applying to psychology programs would love taking a crack at this one.  

Edited December 27, 2016 by phdthoughts

[DogsArePeopleToo]

OK, no psychology applicant here, but someone who has had similar thoughts. I come from a developing country. I have seen cousins and classmates from primary school who were far more gifted than me but were dealt very cruel hands by fate whereas I continued my journey largely uninterrupted. Am I doing enough to make the most of my (relative) privilege? Why me? These thoughts ebb and flow in my mind occasionally.

Not sure what can be done about it, but I've since tried to teach myself to accept that things as they are and just do my best for myself.

[phdthoughts]

@DogsArePeopleToo that's a healthy way of thinking about it. I'm not from a developing nation, but come from an underprivileged background, so I can see what you mean. 

Also, mostly I just feel grateful that I even have this choice to make and also try not to project my aspirations on others (in other words, my goals are not the same as everyone else's.) Just because I want this, does not mean others do.

[fuzzylogician]

I know how you feel, but it might help to remember that (a) not every smart person wants/needs a graduate degree, people have different goals in life; and (b) it's not about being the smartest person in the room (thankfully!). There will always be someone smarter than you. It's about hard work and dedication and putting in the time, and a lot of luck, and some skills and abilities, but really of the kind that I think a lot of people have. It's hard but I think it's important not to compare ourselves to others, and not to make assumptions about them and their lives just like we would not want others to make assumptions about us. All any of us can do is follow our own path and go where it leads us. 

[phdthoughts]

@fuzzylogician Very true words. I know all these things logically, but something about application season that brings doubt and certain thoughts to the surface I guess.  

Edited December 27, 2016 by phdthoughts

[pebs]

2 hours ago, phdthoughts said:

I on the other hand, struggled in certain academic areas (good in others) and had to overcome some of these struggles.

This is what gives you the right.  Perseverance will get you much further in life than intellectual gifts. 

[phdthoughts]

Thanks @wet gremlin that's actually a big confidence booster. 

[DBear]

I know what you mean - in my current program (MA Eng lit) there are a couple of students who really stand out - like they have SCHOLAR etched on their foreheads and everything they say just sounds soooo intelligent and intellectual. One of these girls is in my cohort but in every conversation we've had about grad school, she was really undecided, saying things like "I don't know if I'm cut out for a phd" 

Likewise, there are many smart people around me but most of them are just working in the corporate world. Some couldn't afford to do grad school. However, the most of the people I know who aren't in grad school don't actually like studying. Having gotten good grades and being logical etc. does not necessarily mean that one likes the occupation of being an academic. 

Kind of like being good at math naturally, but not really enjoying it. Academia is a profession - even though you're a grad student, the process of getting a phd in itself is a career choice and just because some people have abilities suited for the job description, doesn't mean they want that job. I think the fact that you want to pursue a phd is something that qualifies you more than people who are just smart. The fact that you were able to identify areas that you needed to improve upon, and actually made progress is a key qualification for an academic. 

In my first job, people kept telling me to go into the sales department. They thought I'd be great at it because the main skill set required of those in the sales department (being able to talk to people and not piss them off, having positive energy etc) seemed to come naturally to them. Yeah, I can talk to people, but do I want to?? NO. There are people I know that seem more soft-spoken and less of a 'people-person' than I am but I know they are more qualified to be in sales because they possess other skills that I do not have and they actually LIKE the job. 

So yeah, I know how you feel - like when I talk to that friend who oozes smartness and academic acumen, I feel totally like I'm out of my league. However, I know that I have the will to push through a phd (mostly because I'm too old now to change paths again, but whatever.. hahaha) and get published, teach, make presentations, etc. 

[phdthoughts]

@DBear Glad to hear it's not just me. It's true, there are plenty of things I'm decent at but would not want to make a career out of, and the same is true for the profession of scholarly work. There are many aspects of my current profession I enjoy and I'm good at but when I imagine myself 10 years down the road, I think...nope. On the other hand, when I think of continuing my research and the challenges of teaching I wish I had more than a career-span to do it all in which so far, is pretty telling. 

Plus I've spent most of my current career at higher ed academic institutions so I know what I'm in for.  

Your friend sounds like she's smart AND knows herself which is a great combination.

[DBear]

@phdthoughts That's exactly how I ended up quitting my job and starting down this path - I imagined where I'd be at 50 and even the best case scenario had me thinking 'meh' at best. I didn't want to live out a 'meh' life. Though I don't regret having worked and done random things, I do feel like my remaining career won't be long enough to really fully flesh out what I want to study and teach! Hopefully this application cycle will be successful and there won't be anymore delays!

[fadedfigures]

Let me tell a story about graduate admissions and how random they can be, regardless of test scores or GPA.

During my first time in a PhD program, I interviewed alongside a gal who has become a good friend of mine. She was a competitive interviewee in every sense of the word. Graduated high school as valedictorian, 4.0 GPA in college, near perfect GRE scores, lots of research and TA experience, double major with internships. At the time, I had some research experience, had a 3.6 GPA at the time of my application, and...that's it, really. When all was said and done, I was accepted and she did not get accepted. 

These programs aren't necessarily looking for the students with the top grades. It helps, but what they're really looking for is your research potential. They're training future scholars and leaders in the field, so they'll be selecting you based on what you can bring and how you can grow as a person. It's easy to look at others and think that they're smarter, but remember that intelligence is more than just a score you get on a test. There's so much that goes into being a successful graduate student that even students with good GPAs can beat out applications with perfect GPAs. 

[LadyScientist]

I agree with @fadedfigures. While GPA and GRE are not completely negligible components by any means, when applying to graduate school, programs are looking for students that bring a wide breadth of skills and knowledge that are not necessarily addressed by looking at GPA and GRE.

Similarly, unlike your undergraduate career, graduate school is a very unstructured environment. So, success when taking exams and doing homework assignments does not always go hand in hand with being able to conduct independent research well-- which is what graduate school focuses heavily on!

But all things considered, I don't think you should feel guilty! Everyone has different skill sets, experiences, and goals (both personal and academic) which all contribute to someone's success/experience with graduate school. Programs are looking for well-rounded candidates that have shown that they have what it takes to thrive in a more fluid environment where you play a much bigger hand in your success!

Best of luck with all of your endeavours!

[phdthoughts]

@LadyScientist It's good to remember all these things. I have a wide range of experiences (academic and otherwise...my undergraduate career is quite far behind me  ) that I know made me successful in my master's program. Just need to remember this as I wait out this application season!