GRE AWA Essay Critique. HELP!

[Shan1028]

Hi! 

I am new to The Grad Cafe and was wondering if someone can critique my practice Issue Task essay? It is my first one. Any help is greatly appreciated. It is below! Thanks. 

 

Claim: Governments must ensure that their major cities receive the financial support they need in order to thrive.

Reason: It is primarily in cities that a nation's cultural traditions are preserved and generated.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.

 

Cities are said to be breeding grounds for ingenuity; they embody the ideals of cultural diversity and advancements in all realms of societal influence. For example, America, the land of the free and home of the brave, would be nothing without its major cities that remain leaders in technological advancements, fashion/art, and even music. Because of this, it is imperative that governments ensure that major cites receive financial support in an effort to maintain dominance in all social and cultural spheres.

 

Financial support from the government allocated to major cities will play a substantial role in how future generations create content, digest information, and share ideas. These resources will increase interaction with subjects in the arts, sciences, and humanities; all subjects that shape and mold cultural traditions.  To illustrate the significance of such financial allocations, take into consideration the STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) field. For decades STEM fields have been in dire need of diversification, both in relation to gender and race. A field so widely dominated by white men because of issues surrounding access could now be welcoming to people of color and women through an increase of government funding. This financial support can increase access through providing more resources, thus creating more opportunities to learn which in turn can lead to more advancements in science, technology, engineering, and math. As the old adage proclaims, two heads are indeed better than one.

 

Additionally, culture is usually synonymous with the arts. Federal, state, and local funding for arts programs throughout this country pale in comparison to other subjects such as science and technology. Financial support garnered from the government can shift how art is viewed and digested. More support in relation to arts means better access to free museums, and an increase in art classes for youth. Art breeds creativity. Increasing access to the arts will lead future generations to think outside of the box thus enabling them to strategize and create.

 

However, while funding for major cities is an advantage to preserve and create cultural traditions, I do believe it is imperative that financial support be allocated to small cities and towns as well. Major countries and even major cities are built from young minds that emerge from small towns. Beautiful minds, strategic thinkers, and creators come from everywhere and while major cities have the funds and the resources to cultivate said talent, it would be a disservice to shun and forget about those who reside in small towns, and who have to leave small towns due to a lack of resources or sadly a lack of support. Imagine a world without Oprah! She was not born in Chicago but in a small town in the South. Imagine how different the world would be if small cities and towns received financial support as well. We could be swimming in human intellectual achievement.

 

All in all, financial support from the government is imperative to preserving and creating cultural traditions. Financial support yields resources, which yields opportunity for youth to achieve their dreams, both in major cities and small towns.