The PhD Lifestyle

[kurayamino]

I just want to add that it isn't as though life stops when you're in the PhD. I was married before I started, but we're about to have our first kid. With the right department your "outside" life can continue and even flourish. It was important to me as a pretty non-traditional student (I started the PhD at 29) to find a department that supported grad students and their lives outside of academia.

Also, there have been about 3 weddings since I've been here with people who met in grad school. It happens more than you think!

[Yanaka]

How do you deal with the workload and a kid, @kurayamino? Or how will you do that? Congrats by the way  

[biyutefulphlower]

@kurayamino - I second @Yanaka's question. If all goes well, I'll be starting a program at 30 and have been discussing kids/starting a family with the fiancé while I'm in a program. He's a little weary, but I don't want to plan to wait until I'm 35+ to start having kids. (Not to knock anyone that does, of course.)

And Congrats!!

Edited February 17, 2017 by biyutefulphlower

[Yanaka]

You're not knocking anyone that does, @biyutefulphlower, it's just naturally more difficult to get pregnant past 35!

[crugs]

literally sobbing if you think 30 is the end of the world as I sit here at 30 looking at a strike out. 

[Dr. Old Bill]

11 hours ago, Silabus said:

I hope I don't come off as melodramatic but I was sitting in the back of a car, going with my friends to the grocery store for no other reason than to get away from the computer, when a thought hit me about this whole PhD thing: I've already spent 6 consecutive years of my life on the higher education merry-go-round, with my PhD it's 5 more years. I'll be 28 when I get my PhD if I complete it in 5 years.

28. Meanwhile, already, it feels like I'm lagging behind my peers who just got their Bachelor's and went to get jobs. They're forging careers, getting married, getting engaged, and I've been so busy trying to keep a 4.0 GPA, go to conferences, read novels all the time, write papers, work in the summer to kind of make a dent in my student loans, that I've done nothing else but get degrees. I mean this isn't to say that I dislike what I'm doing, I love it, but at the same time some part of me keeps saying: You're going to be lonely for as long as you do this.

Again, maybe melodramatic, but at 28 who exactly is going to be left in the dating pool? At 30 I'm going to be washed up in the looks department right? I just worry I'm going to be some unhappy professor somewhere, lonely, with my dog, teaching British Literature, and kicking myself for all the time I spent chasing degrees and not love. Yup...I'm being dramatic. But it's how I really feel!

I don't want to knock you for this post, because your feelings are obviously legitimate, and I can't blame you in the least for having this personal apostasy.

That being said, like many others have already mentioned, 28 is by no means old. You'll be among the youngest people on the job market, in fact, as you've taken what is now considered to be the standard path: high school -> college -> grad school -> job market (presumably with no gaps). Academia is a long haul, and that's the point. You do have to spend a decade or so on education, because that's how you earn the distinction of becoming a doctor of philosophy. As for the relationship issue, I am a little perturbed that you think you're going to be washed up in the looks department... Even if that were the case (it's certainly not), there's more to relationships than looks, right? I won't press on that any further, because we all have our relationship priorities...but even though it's certainly fine to feel that way, I hope you recognize that it's just a feeling, not a fact.

For what it's worth, I say this as a 37-year-old in the midst of a divorce who will likely finish his Ph.D. at the age of 42.

Also for what it's worth, you might want to check out this thread for inspiration or solace.

Edited February 17, 2017 by Wyatt's Terps

[biyutefulphlower]

23 minutes ago, Yanaka said:

You're not knocking anyone that does, @biyutefulphlower, it's just naturally more difficult to get pregnant past 35!

Folks are already telling me to have my eggs tested....(just to add some fertility stress to Ph.D. stress)

 

8 minutes ago, crugs said:

literally sobbing if you think 30 is the end of the world as I sit here at 30 looking at a strike out. 

*hugs for Crugs* Please don't give up hope just yet!  (I've got 2 left with no acceptances, so I understand.)

[kurayamino]

4 hours ago, Yanaka said:

How do you deal with the workload and a kid, @kurayamino? Or how will you do that? Congrats by the way  

Well, we "planned" (as much as one can plan these things) to have the kid during a summer when I don't have to work, and when I return I'll be in the midst of orals. This means, at my institution, I'll be teaching one course and taking an "independent study" to get my reading done. Essentially this means I'm only out of the house for 2 days a week.

I actually think with the right supportive environment being in a PhD program means that raising a child is way easier to manage than two full time working out of the house parents. Childcare costs are significantly less, etc.

If this is something you're considering, remember that a PhD is a job and that FMLA laws apply equally to you as anyone else who works. This obviously varies state by state, but if a family is something you're considering and you have multiple offers, I suggest looking that up! If needed I could take a full year off and not lose my place, for example, and some of that would even be paid. Maybe some questions to ask on your campus visits.

 

Edited February 17, 2017 by kurayamino
I needed more coffee XD

[brontebitch]

we should consult with someone in the sciences on GC to create a dating app for the GC community 

[crugs]

17 minutes ago, biyutefulphlower said:

*hugs for Crugs* Please don't give up hope just yet!  (I've got 2 left with no acceptances, so I understand.)

Hugs for Crugs is my sister's twitter handle  

 I love it and I'm jealous haahhahaha 

[rheya19]

13 hours ago, Silabus said:

I hope I don't come off as melodramatic but I was sitting in the back of a car, going with my friends to the grocery store for no other reason than to get away from the computer, when a thought hit me about this whole PhD thing: I've already spent 6 consecutive years of my life on the higher education merry-go-round, with my PhD it's 5 more years. I'll be 28 when I get my PhD if I complete it in 5 years.

28. Meanwhile, already, it feels like I'm lagging behind my peers who just got their Bachelor's and went to get jobs. They're forging careers, getting married, getting engaged, and I've been so busy trying to keep a 4.0 GPA, go to conferences, read novels all the time, write papers, work in the summer to kind of make a dent in my student loans, that I've done nothing else but get degrees. I mean this isn't to say that I dislike what I'm doing, I love it, but at the same time some part of me keeps saying: You're going to be lonely for as long as you do this.

Again, maybe melodramatic, but at 28 who exactly is going to be left in the dating pool? At 30 I'm going to be washed up in the looks department right? I just worry I'm going to be some unhappy professor somewhere, lonely, with my dog, teaching British Literature, and kicking myself for all the time I spent chasing degrees and not love. Yup...I'm being dramatic. But it's how I really feel!

Pshah. I'm 35 and still get the looks from all the boys. 

Also, I met my husband at 29 in a grad program I was just starting at the time, and we got married when I was an old maid of 33. 

Come on now. Turn the voices in your head off and focus on enjoying your life. 

[Silabus]

Ahhh, I really needed all of this! You all have put life in perspective once again.

There are also a lot of things I didn't consider until you all pointed them out either. The bit about moving into a new pool of people, academics. That being 30 isn't the end of the world...maybe...maybe it just seems that way when you're surrounded by undergraduates all the time? And yeah, looks aren't everything anyway! Again, maybe being surrounded by 18 to 21 year olds is slanting my perspective.

[Yanaka]

Hey there @Silabus. I'm also surrounded by fresh, perfect undergrads and the only other people my age or older are... much, MUCH older! I've been stressing about "being too old" too, but when I started thinking of PhD's as a job and not as "ten more years of studying", I realized I'll be okay. My family won't get it, some of my friends will also think I'm lazy and eternally dependent on my mom, but your colleagues will and that's where you should fish for the love of your life  

[Silabus]

1 minute ago, Yanaka said:

Hey there @Silabus. I'm also surrounded by fresh, perfect undergrads and the only other people my age or older are... much, MUCH older! I've been stressing about "being too old" too, but when I started thinking of PhD's as a job and not as "ten more years of studying", I realized I'll be okay. My family won't get it, some of my friends will also think I'm lazy and eternally dependent on my mom, but your colleagues will and that's where you should fish for the love of your life  

Oh I love this! Yes! It's a job! It's a career! I'm with you, my family and friends already don't get it and I am still dependent on my family. xD But you're right! Other PhD folks will understand!

Also, yes, fresh and perfect is exactly the way to describe them!

[Yanaka]

Just now, Silabus said:

Oh I love this! Yes! It's a job! It's a career! I'm with you, my family and friends already don't get it and I am still dependent on my family. xD But you're right!

I am dependent on my mom, too, don't worry! I just wish I won't be anymore one day LOL

[Silabus]

Just now, Yanaka said:

I am dependent on my mom, too, don't worry! I just wish I won't be anymore one day LOL

Same! And yet I find myself being like: Yeah and once I get my PhD and I'm on the job market for like a year, I can live with my aunt.

Then another part of me is like: Stop automatically thinking you're going to free-load from your family!

xD I just can't help myself.

[avflinsch]

13 hours ago, positivitize said:

Sarcasm aside, while grad school is time-consuming and puts a ton of pressure on relationships, it can be done. I've been with my fiancee for 7 years--2 for her Masters and 5 for her PhD which she'll earn this August. It is possible to earn a Doctorate and find love at the same time. Also--I dropped out of undergrad at age 20 and didn't go back til I was 27. Now I am just STARTING my Masters at 30. I'll be lucky to be almost 40 by the time I earn my PhD. Point is, you are not nearly as old as you feel. A PhD by 30 is an amazing accomplishment and downright speedy.

I'm in  diferenf field, but it looks like I am doing things completely the opposite of the others here.

Like you, I dropped out of undergrad at 20. Life, family and career intervened and I finally restarted it when I was 45. It then took 7 years part time to finish it at 52. Afterwards, I immediately jumped into the Masters, which I am finishing in May - at age 55. FWIW the question of age never came up as a negative when I applied to the PhD program, possibly because I mentioned it as a positive.

If all goes as planned, I should finish the PhD at 62, work a few more years, and then retire. After retirement, I do plan on going into academia fulltime for as long as possible.

At an older age, there is definitely a strain on any relationships - fulltime job, with late night classes and missed weekends for schoolwork, but it can be done.

[Tybalt]

8 hours ago, crugs said:

literally sobbing if you think 30 is the end of the world as I sit here at 30 looking at a strike out. 

I started my program at 31, so there's always hope!  A good friend was in his 40s when he was accepted to Indiana, too, so while it really is different program to program, age IS just a number!

 

Out of curiosity--when I saw your sig line (the bit about Shakespeare and education, which are also interests of mine), I scrolled back to see how you defined your research interests.  Have you thought of looking at PhD programs in education?  Your proposed project in previous posts seemed to be more on the education side of things.

[ExponentialDecay]

Dude OP you sound like you need a dating forum, not a grad school one. Lots of people in academia have vibrant sex lives and fulfilling romantic relationships, families, marriages, and so on. The people that I know who don't wouldn't have had it if they worked as a supermodel, because they are insecure weirdos with poor social skills.

If you're tired of being alone and want to be in a relationship or have casual sex or whatever is bothering you, go out and get it. I hate to be a broken record, but most of the time it's not a question of time but a question of priorities.

Based on my own personal experience in an academic environment and a "real world" one, it was so, so much easier for me to date in academia, because I was surrounded by highly intelligent, successful people with similar interests and values. In the real world, a lot of people go to the symphony to show off, it turns out.

[Bumblebea]

It's a proven fact that this happens to your face in the last month of being 29. 

[Bumblebea]

On 2/17/2017 at 10:25 AM, biyutefulphlower said:

Folks are already telling me to have my eggs tested....(just to add some fertility stress to Ph.D. stress)

 

Why would you have to get your eggs tested at 30? Most people don't have that done until they're in their 40s. And please don't buy into all the hype about "post-35 is too old to have kids." A lot of that info was debunked as unreliable a few years ago. 

[To φ or not to φ]

This thread should be moved to The Lobby! 

[orphic_mel528]

6 minutes ago, Bumblebea said:

It's a proven fact that this happens to your face in the last month of being 29. 

I was laughing so hard at this...this whole discussion seems to be the theme of my my week. I had a guy on Twitter say he couldn't believe I'm an adjunct prof because I look too young. Like he wasn't accusing me of lying. I used this exact scene with a message that says, "What do you think happens the day women hit 30? Their faces melt off like the Nazis looking at the Ark of the Covenant?"

[TK2]

Ouch, eh. The first day of my Bachelors degree was my 23rd birthday. I'm a week from my 30th. Life, dude. It's like the joke about the woman who never smiled because it would make wrinkles happen faster. You can date and be a PhD student all at the same time. Maybe not also cultivate a career as a professional forest ranger, fair enough, but the dating and PhD should be manageable.

[Bumblebea]

13 minutes ago, orphic_mel528 said:

I was laughing so hard at this...this whole discussion seems to be the theme of my my week. I had a guy on Twitter say he couldn't believe I'm an adjunct prof because I look too young. Like he wasn't accusing me of lying. I used this exact scene with a message that says, "What do you think happens the day women hit 30? Their faces melt off like the Nazis looking at the Ark of the Covenant?"

I was 28 when I started my grad program, which made me older than almost everyone in my cohort--but not THAT much older. But to an early 20-something, late-20s is devastatingly old. 

I was at a party a few weeks into my second semester and another grad student, after discovering how old I was, congratulated me on "looking so young for [my] age" and then asked if I worried that it would all fall off when I hit 30. (It didn't.)

The next year, when I was on the threshold of 30, a 25-year-old friend remarked that I was such an inspiration to her and she hoped she could still look so young and hip and cool for her age when she was my age. (I was 29.)

I was also routinely asked by people (men) in my grad program if I was planning on freezing my eggs any time soon. One guy even recommended that I forgo the PhD program altogether so that I could have kids. That was actually sort of creepy and unreal, and not funny, to be honest.