Stay in DC or go to Boston?

[flashmob]

I have had an ongoing anxiety attack since I found out I got into Boston University this past Friday, when I was all set and ready to stay in DC (Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences), both for public health. To complicate matters, I just got engaged, and fiance is interviewing for a new job in DC, where we have lived for six years.

• Boston University - great school, great program, but fiance now has to look for a new job in Boston, while I support us on a small stipend
• USUHS - small school, but stay in government (i'm a fed), seems more financially practical
• Both have the same stipend, benefits, etc

Of course we only have until April 15th to decide... Most people just say - go to boston and he'll figure it out - but relationships are much more complicated and important than that, I can't just make him pick up his life for me to make a small stipend in an expensive city.

FFFffffffff

[DiscoTech]

9 minutes ago, flashmob said:

I have had an ongoing anxiety attack since I found out I got into Boston University this past Friday, when I was all set and ready to stay in DC (Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences), both for public health. To complicate matters, I just got engaged, and fiance is interviewing for a new job in DC, where we have lived for six years.

• Boston University - great school, great program, but fiance now has to look for a new job in Boston, while I support us on a small stipend
• USUHS - small school, but stay in government (i'm a fed), seems more financially practical
• Both have the same stipend, benefits, etc

Of course we only have until April 15th to decide... Most people just say - go to boston and he'll figure it out - but relationships are much more complicated and important than that, I can't just make him pick up his life for me to make a small stipend in an expensive city.

FFFffffffff

It sounds like you've asked a bunch of people on what to do except you fiance. With the federal government hiring freeze, I would probably stay in DC since it sounds like you would get to keep you employment. I also don't understand BU offers that you even want to consider it. Is it better or would just prefer a bigger program?

Also, anything your fiance's opinion should probably trump what randos on the internet say.

[flashmob]

^ well duh, but isn't this form for stressing out and venting or should I take my therapy elsewhere?

[3dender]

So if i'm reading the subtext correctly, it sounds like you really WANT to go to Boston (hence the anxiety attack?) but think it's too impractical.  If that's correct, however, you never explained why you really want to go to Boston instead of DC.  What about the program is better?  

You also say that a plus of DC is that you could keep your job in FedGov, but you never said if you actually like your job in FedGov and want to continue doing that.

Basically, I saw you talk a lot about what you SHOULD do but not a lot about what you WANT to do.  You need to figure that out and decide how important it is to you.  

And if you end up going with the less desirable choice (which I'm guessing is DC, again just on subtext), then you need to talk with your fiance about what he's prepared to do to make it up to you.  Yes you can't "make him pick up his life" for you, but he also can't make you stymie yours for him.  It's a two-way street and you BOTH have to work (and make sacrifices) for each other.

</impromptu counseling session>

 

Edited April 10, 2017 by 3dender

[thelionking]

What advantages does the school in Boston offer that the local school doesn't have? You did not mention your future career goals and to what extent both schools can help you reach them. I think that taking into account your partner's job prospects is important, unless you are willing to have a long distance relationship until your partner is able to find a new one in Boston and quit his current job to move out there. If the answer is yes, then I'd find out which school produces the most grads that end up doing the work you want to do and go to that school. 

Edited April 10, 2017 by thelionking

[rising_star]

@3dender just posted a longer, better phrased version of what I was going to say while I was in the midst of typing my reply.

Interviewing for a new job =/ having a new job, right? So there's no guarantees that he will have a new job in DC that he'd have to quit. There's also the question of whether you two are willing to do long distance for a while. DC-Boston is an Acela train ride where you could get work done along the way and potentially see each other on the weekends. Just another thing to consider.

P.S. If the stipends are the same, then why do you keep referring to living in Boston as being forced to live on a "small stipend" but don't say this about DC?

[DiscoTech]

35 minutes ago, flashmob said:

^ well duh, but isn't this form for stressing out and venting or should I take my therapy elsewhere?

Well, it just seemed like we're missing the biggest piece of the puzzle, no? Your fiance might be perfectly fine with a move to Boston and then the decision really just comes down to staying within BigFed or going up to Boston.

Also, should we infer that Boston's program is better for your career. It is not 100% clear, but sounds like it is.

[flashmob]

6 hours ago, 3dender said:

So if i'm reading the subtext correctly, it sounds like you really WANT to go to Boston (hence the anxiety attack?) but think it's too impractical.  If that's correct, however, you never explained why you really want to go to Boston instead of DC.  What about the program is better?  

You also say that a plus of DC is that you could keep your job in FedGov, but you never said if you actually like your job in FedGov and want to continue doing that.

Basically, I saw you talk a lot about what you SHOULD do but not a lot about what you WANT to do.  You need to figure that out and decide how important it is to you.  

And if you end up going with the less desirable choice (which I'm guessing is DC, again just on subtext), then you need to talk with your fiance about what he's prepared to do to make it up to you.  Yes you can't "make him pick up his life" for you, but he also can't make you stymie yours for him.  It's a two-way street and you BOTH have to work (and make sacrifices) for each other.

</impromptu counseling session>

 

Thanks for the reply. The subtext is yes, I much prefer Boston and want to go. I can't keep my current job, but at Uniformed Services, you get paid through a government position, so very stable (not subject to grants, etc). Boston is a much higher ranked program, and would position me better for future academic positions, and USUHS is a DrPH as opposed to PhD (Boston). Also, because Boston is a larger school, there is much more opportunity to take classes in other disciplines, and I really like the professor I was assigned research.

6 hours ago, rising_star said:

@3dender just posted a longer, better phrased version of what I was going to say while I was in the midst of typing my reply.

Interviewing for a new job =/ having a new job, right? So there's no guarantees that he will have a new job in DC that he'd have to quit. There's also the question of whether you two are willing to do long distance for a while. DC-Boston is an Acela train ride where you could get work done along the way and potentially see each other on the weekends. Just another thing to consider.

P.S. If the stipends are the same, then why do you keep referring to living in Boston as being forced to live on a "small stipend" but don't say this about DC?

No you're right, there is a possibility he won't get that one, but DC is more stable because he has a good job here now anyway, which is why the stipend wouldn't matter as much (since I don't need to support us on it for any period of time). 

And so the cyclical discussion of pros and cons continues...April 15th approaches....

 

[thelionking]

8 hours ago, flashmob said:

And so the cyclical discussion of pros and cons continues...April 15th approaches....

I think we've said all we can say at this point. You're going to need to decide for yourself if you are willing to have a long distance relationship during a portion of your studies (until he finds a job in Boston) or for the entire duration (if he doesn't). Are you and your partner willing to do that? You will need to talk to him about this. If you are considering it, he needs to determine what the job market is like in Boston and how likely it will be for him to get a job there in his field based on the job market and his credentials. If decisions like this are difficult for the both of you to resolve, you should keep in mind that you are likely to be in a similar position after you get your PhD and want to apply for high level positions as such jobs are not plentiful and often require moving. So there is no time like the present to develop a practice of making big decisions like this together so you both know where you stand on such issues. Good luck! 

 

[vron]

14 hours ago, thelionking said:

I think we've said all we can say at this point. You're going to need to decide for yourself if you are willing to have a long distance relationship during a portion of your studies (until he finds a job in Boston) or for the entire duration (if he doesn't). Are you and your partner willing to do that? You will need to talk to him about this. If you are considering it, he needs to determine what the job market is like in Boston and how likely it will be for him to get a job there in his field based on the job market and his credentials. If decisions like this are difficult for the both of you to resolve, you should keep in mind that you are likely to be in a similar position after you get your PhD and want to apply for high level positions as such jobs are not plentiful and often require moving. So there is no time like the present to develop a practice of making big decisions like this together so you both know where you stand on such issues. Good luck! 

 

Thanks MSW (and all) for the free therapy <3 We have decided to go to Boston, and he will begin looking for jobs up there. But we did discuss this ^, that this is the first real big decision we've had to make together, and will be the first of many in a life together. He's being very selfless to move up there with me. Now soliciting ideas (new ones for a couple that has been together for a long time) to show how much I really appreciate and treasure him...  

[flashmob]

^ somehow I made two logins at some point but flashmob = vron