Any trans PhD students?

[wisdomspeaks]

Hi everyone,

I am a PhD student in a social welfare program and I am having some difficulties being comfortable in classes and around the other students because I am not out yet. I have a lot of problems with social anxiety and lack of confidence--some of which are due to the issues I am having presenting to the outside world--and my program is small and tight knit. Well, it's tight knit but I'm not really a part of the community to be honest. I mostly isolate myself by working from home.

Anyway, I have intense anxiety around the other PhD students as it is and I don't think they are expecting me to come out at all, but it's getting harder and harder to give my little elevator speech with my name and research interests and to hear people misgender me on a daily basis. I'm really really stressed and and uncomfortable and I need some support from someone who understands what I'm going through. How do I come out to people who see me as a certain person? How do I all of a sudden out of nowhere ask people to call me a different name?

I appreciate your help in advance. I am on an online support group, but I can't find anyone who can relate to the specific issue of coming out in a phd program...

[Adelaide9216]

Hello,

I am not in the same situation as you, but I've been around trans folks in university and having them as friends and hearing their stories made me realize that to get to university (and even more so in academia) shows just how resilient they are.

Just FYI, the University of Ottawa in Canada has just tired their first tenure professor who will teach and do research on trans realities. He is trans. Maybe you could contact him to hear a little bit about his own experience in academia? He teaches in social work. 

Edited December 10, 2017 by Adelaide9216

[samman1994]

I'm afraid I can't speak for other schools outside socal schools (southern California). However, from my understanding and what I've seen, they are very respectful, tolerant, and most of all understanding of it all. I even had certain clubs where they asked very early on which pronouns you would be comfortable with being addressed by (or something like that). We also had a very strong LGBQ community and atmosphere at my university (as well as other socal schools). So if you were randomly to ask to be asked a different name or be addressed with a different pronoun, no one would look at you weird or even question it. 

Secondly, from my experience with grad programs outside of my local area, I'd like to say that they are all very professional and understanding and will understand where you are coming from and be completely okay with it. That being said, sadly, I have seen a lot of sexism and immaturity on that level (higher education) regarding the matter. I have seen professors personally target women unfairly either as grad students or even post docs, ranging from simply just being rude to them, to taking their name from first author to 6th or 7th (I've even heard of one scenario where the PI tried to prevent the person from finishing their dissertation, and from what I was told, it was because of their gender). However, most of what I've seen and heard, is about professors, and the students themselves seem pretty understanding, tolerant, and aware of the topic. 

I am not in your shoes, nor in your situation. However, if I may just throw my 2 cents out there, I'd advise coming out sooner than later. Yes it may come as a shock to those close to you and may even cause some complications early on, but overtime people will become used to your new identity, and it won't even be a "new" identity, it will be "your" identity. Just as an example, I had a friend back in high school that was a female. She had a girlfriend at the time, and we all just thought she was lesbian. She came out 2 years later stating she wanted to be a man, and was unhappy with her current gender. This started from a declaration, to getting her hair cut short, to getting a name change (e.g. think samantha to sam, something simple like that), to testostrone treatment, to eventually even surgery (I don't know the details, but something about physically altering your genitals). So in all ways, literally a man (voice, thought, behavior, look, etc.). I will say this, early on, it was really hard for me to adjust with the change, and I don't mean accepting her as a man, but looking at her as one. What I mean is, it was hard to initially refer to her as him in third person (e.g. did you invite X, yes I invited her oh I mean him), or calling her by her male name instead of her old female one. I wasn't alone in this either, I know a lot of her close friends also had this problem, but none of us didn't want to be her friend, we just had problems with the initial mental adjustment. Overtime though (say give or take a year or so), it became second nature. While typing this, I initially typed everything "his" and had to change it to "her" because in my mind, she is a man. Her old personality and character no longer exists in my mind or others that had known her before. Most in fact have already forgotten her old name or how she even looked back in high school (she took down all the old pictures of her). The last time I spoke to him about his transition, he was very happy with his change and loved his new life. Although, at the time I asked him, it wasn't even his "new" life anymore, it was his "current" life now. 

Now I know your situation is different since it regards your current academic and future career, And this isn't just a bunch of friends, but your entire academic community, so it raises the stakes quite a bit. Despite what I said prior, I do believe in my heart that most people in academia are intelligent, mature, and understanding and will bear no ill regarding your transition. I do wish you the best of luck, and I hope I was able to help. 

[01sonal]

Yikes...lot of misgendering and ignorant neolib optimism going on in that previous reply.

First things first, I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this. I am not trans, so I don't want to claim that I can ever truly understand your experiences, but I am queer so I do empathize. I know how scary it can be to come out and know that there are such dire consequences for simply trying to be true to yourself. It sucks. Especially with the social anxiety and self-esteem problems that you are navigating along with that (I also struggle with similar issues).  

I want to say that the fact you're in a social welfare program should mean that your colleagues will be at least minimally socially conscious and understanding but of course the doubt is always there Does your university have an LGBT resource center, or just a general counseling center with professionals who have experience working with LGBT populations? If so, perhaps speaking to them may help. Or do you have any student organizations on campus for queer/trans individuals (e.g., my university's law school has an org for LGBT law students, there is also an org for trans grad students)? They may be able to provide you with the support you need.

Also, if you would let me and if the person I know would also be okay with it, I have a friend who is currently in grad school who is out as nonbinary, so I could potentially connect you with them. I could also try getting in touch with my school's org for trans grad students and see if there is anyone I can connect you with there? Feel free to PM me and we could talk about logistics/anonymity. 

In any case I hope everything works out for you <3  If you ever need a sympathetic ear I'm happy to exchange emails and you can hit me up whenever you need.