I'm so intimidated by my advisor.

[dancedementia]

I know she means well. I know she came from Russia, where a more blunt approach and sharp tone is common (I had a Russian piano teacher growing up, maybe it's unresolved trauma haha). I know she just wants me to succeed.

But damn, it sucks that every time I walk into her office to go over progress, she essentially invalidates everything that I've done. I know I'm not making sufficient progress on my thesis, but dammit I'm trying. I didn't have research experience coming into the program, nor did I major in psychology, so a lot of concepts are still new to me (effect size? what's that?) I came in today with a proposal revision I was so proud of and I feel like she ripped it to shreds in front of my eyes.

It's causing me a great deal of anxiety but I don't know how to bring it up with her, because she has very legitimate points and I know I suck. I guess I'm just feeling intimidated and ashamed that I'm not doing better.

Sorry, just needed to rant

[compmed]

Hey!

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this. I am incredibly intimidated by my advisor and I don't have cultural differences to blame. What has helped me is being extremely clear in what is causing me anxiety. For example, when I first started to meet with him, his expectations of our mentor/mentee relationship eluded me. Eventually, I brought it up, but only after holding back tears for out first several meetings. Definitely don't feel ashamed about not doing better. Definitely DO ask for help if you need it. Faculty understand that we are still students and not perfect, otherwise we would be the ones teaching them.

I think the key is accepting that you are not going to be perfect and by ripping your thesis to shreds, your advisor is showing that she is invested in your success. I would be much more worried if she hardly read it, handed it back to you and said it was fine and gave minimal feedback.

[juilletmercredi]

This will be a very cold comfort, but please do know that those years of getting ripped to shreds actually do help you later on in life. I finished my PhD in 2014 and I currently work in a non-academic industry job. When my manager or senior peers give me feedback on my work, I barely blink an eye, because corporate feedback generally isn't anywhere near as bad as academic feedback (and my advisor was still relatively tame). I'm far better at taking feedback and criticism in both my professional and personal life because of my experience during my doctoral program.

Is she giving you actual constructive feedback? Is she helping you identify areas in which you need to improve and giving you the tools to start working on them yourself? You say that you know you aren't making sufficient progress - have you been able to identify why you aren't and what you can do to improve? One thing that helped me get better at taking criticism (I used to be pretty bad at it) is reframing every conversation about my progress as a way to learn and grow. I envisioned that my professor (or whoever) were saying these things because they really wanted me to get better and improve the project (even if I wasn't...100% the speaker was).

So if I was in situations when I didn't understand why a piece of criticism was delivered in a specific way, I'd say "Hmm, thanks for that. Do you have suggestions for how to deal with that area?" or "Hmm, so what I'm hearing is [...]. My idea for fixing that is [...]." In other words, turn it into a dialogue, so you're not just listening to an endless litany of your shortcomings but instead you're having a conversation with your advisor as equals (in your own head, at least) about how you can improve some work that you happen to be workshopping right then. You can even say something like "Hmm, I'm not sure how to take that. Are you saying that this section is completely worthless?" If she's at all a self-aware person and you are saying that multiple times, she may take a step back and realize how she's coming off. (But I would only say things like that if she's truly making it sound like specific thoughts or sections are without merit.)

Also, this also sounds...cold-hearted, but really the guilt and anxiety is kind of a good thing. If you felt warm and fuzzy every time you came out of your advisor's office you wouldn't make progress and she'd be doing you a disservice. I'm not saying you should feel like a worm either, but use the knowledge that you are falling short as a motivation to identify those areas where you can do better.

[Hope.for.the.best]

7 hours ago, dancedementia said:

I know she means well. I know she came from Russia, where a more blunt approach and sharp tone is common (I had a Russian piano teacher growing up, maybe it's unresolved trauma haha). I know she just wants me to succeed.

But damn, it sucks that every time I walk into her office to go over progress, she essentially invalidates everything that I've done. I know I'm not making sufficient progress on my thesis, but dammit I'm trying. I didn't have research experience coming into the program, nor did I major in psychology, so a lot of concepts are still new to me (effect size? what's that?) I came in today with a proposal revision I was so proud of and I feel like she ripped it to shreds in front of my eyes.

It's causing me a great deal of anxiety but I don't know how to bring it up with her, because she has very legitimate points and I know I suck. I guess I'm just feeling intimidated and ashamed that I'm not doing better.

Sorry, just needed to rant

I can totally relate. One of my advisors is particularly hard on students, although she always means well. She always says things like "It doesn't say anything", "You don't read other papers and learn how they write as I told you so many times" etc., but obviously I have done my very best. My other advisor, on the other hand, knows how to phrase his words, "I don't understand this and that sentence here", "These paragraphs are disconnected. You will need to write a sentence or two to link them better" etc. They essentially mean the same thing, but his words are more comfortable to hear than her words. 

Unfortunately, it is a matter of your advisor's personality, which you cannot do much about. It is just very difficult to criticise her way of delivering feedback. It is good that you have identified what you should work on, and that is key to improvement. You can tell her that you are concerned and worried about your progress, because you are still catching up with some of the concepts. She should be able to advise how you can learn those concepts, e.g. which textbook to read. You can also turn to other colleagues in your office for advice. Once you have a better understanding of those concepts, you will do a much better job at your writing. She will be less critical of your work, and you will feel less stressed. That's how I got through my hard time with my difficult advisor! 

My advice is to keep trying your best, and try not to take her words personal (I know it is hard!). 

[dancedementia]

3 hours ago, juilletmercredi said:

This will be a very cold comfort, but please do know that those years of getting ripped to shreds actually do help you later on in life. I finished my PhD in 2014 and I currently work in a non-academic industry job. When my manager or senior peers give me feedback on my work, I barely blink an eye, because corporate feedback generally isn't anywhere near as bad as academic feedback (and my advisor was still relatively tame). I'm far better at taking feedback and criticism in both my professional and personal life because of my experience during my doctoral program.

I worked in corporate getting torn to shreds before academia and never batted an eye (investment banking... literally had books thrown in my face before). For some reason it was a lot easier to shrug and say, "Ah, that's how it is" when I was dealing with a bunch of fratty men. But for some reason there's something about my advisor that rubs me the wrong way

I appreciate the rest of your post though. I like your bit about trying to reframe it into a more positive light. Ironic, as I tell my clinical patients to do that all the livelong day and I can barely do it myself haha!

Edited December 14, 2017 by dancedementia

[rising_star]

55 minutes ago, dancedementia said:

I appreciate the rest of your post though. I like your bit about trying to reframe it into a more positive light. Ironic, as I tell my clinical patients to do that all the livelong day and I can barely do it myself haha!

Reframing things in a positive light is definitely difficult sometimes (frequently). What may help is to give yourself permission to be angry and fed up first, and then try to see what your advisor was trying to say. Alternately, are there other students of your advisor who you can go to for feedback/advice before or after your one-on-one meetings? I found that more senior students were able to anticipate the criticism my advisor would give me and help me prepare for it... Might be something to try if you haven't already.

[lemma]

3 hours ago, dancedementia said:

I worked in corporate getting torn to shreds before academia and never batted an eye (investment banking... literally had books thrown in my face before). 

Not much to add, but I also came from IB and also found banking brutal. Maybe you can apply some of the coping strategies/approaches that you used then to your relationship with your advisor? Like maybe look carefully at what made you get through being treated poorly in banking, and maybe some of the strategies can be tweaked slightly and applied here.