Pretty_Penny

Hi all! I am having a bit of a hard time determining who my letter writers should be as I apply to the part-time MSW program at UW-Madison. First, some background: -Graduated from UW-Madison in May 2013 with a BA in Psychology (GPA: 3.949) and a BA in Spanish (4.0), total GPA of 3.939, graduated with distinction and with honors in the psychology major -Completed developmental psychology research with one of the best in the field and wrote/presented a seniors honors thesis as an undergrad -Applied to 8 developmental psych PhD programs and was accepted to two top 15 schools. Chose one in the top 5 and spent a year there before deciding it wasn't for me (I think I need a more direct connection between research and application and my advisor had a VERY poor track record of graduating students). Great TA reviews, an overall GPA of 3.86 (with As in both stats classes) -Currently work at a non-profit educating families on child development and doing case management. I am the only bilingual staff member. I have been there for just over a year and I love it. It is a very social work-adjacent position -Looking to get my MSW and become a LCSW to provide bilingual counseling services My undergrad prof who I completed my thesis with has agreed to write me a letter (she was also one of my recommenders when I applied to PhD programs), as well as my supervisor at my current position (the executive director of our non-profit). Unfortunately, beyond that I am stumped. I had been planning on using my coworker, who has an MSW, but I just visited the application website again to find LOR instructions for the writers and one of their DON'TS was having a coworker write a letter, and that it would "lessen the strength of the application." My other option was a graduate student in Clinical Psychology (who will be graduating this spring) who supervised me when I did my undergraduate research/senior honors thesis, but I am worried she may be too busy with finishing up her dissertation and I know it is recommended not to ask graduate students. As for the other two letter writers who wrote letters for me back when I was applying to PhD programs, one has since passed away and the other I doubt remembers me, it was probably more of a "did well in class" letter. I would not feel comfortable asking the vast majority of professors from my PhD program as they were very unhelpful when I was there and I would rather not open that door again. I'm at a loss... Thanks in advance for your suggestions!

Wisconsin. I applied all around the state. The research job I was offered was in Madison and the nonprofit position I accepted was in Green Bay.

This thread really piqued my interest. I graduated from UW-Madison with a BA in Psychology (GPA: 3.949) and a BA in Spanish (GPA: 4.0) in May 2013. I spent two of my four years at UW-Madison working in an adolescent development research lab, where I completed my senior honors thesis. I wanted a career in academia and, during my senior year, applied to 8 developmental psych PhD programs. I declined an interview at one, and was accepted to 2 programs: Penn State (top 5 in my field) and University of Maryland (top 15 in my field). I chose to attend Penn State and completed one year of grad work with a 3.86 GPA, before leaving due to extreme negative behavior from my advisor, a lack of opportunity to switch labs, and general disillusion with academia (you can see my other posts if you have any interest in that). After leaving grad school, I applied to upwards of 20 jobs. I had interviews with probably 5, and was offered 2. Many of the places I applied to simply never got back to me. One position I was offered was a research position which paid around $31,000 a year, and the other was a social services position with a non-profit that paid about $1000 less. I saw more opportunity for advancement in the social services position and, though I was clearly very qualified for the research position, chose to go in a different direction. Obviously I am not making a ton of money, but that is the nature of social services positions and it is more than enough for me to live off of. I will say, though, that my Spanish degree was really what got me the job, as they were looking for someone to work with their Spanish-speaking population. I can also say that I am much happier in my current position! Good luck!

Hey everyone! I just wanted to give you all a (happy) update on this story. I left my program in May and spent the summer working a minimum wage job in a bakery that I had worked at during the summers when I was in college. It may seem like a huge step down from a top 5 PhD program in your field, but the people were great and I decorated some kick a** cakes! It helped me start to get my confidence back. In December, I started working for a nonprofit organization that goes into the homes of at-risk families and educates them on positive parent child interaction, child development, and family well-being. Not only am I using my psych degree from undergrad and my year in a developmental psych PhD program, but I am also using my undergrad Spanish degree, as I was hired to work with Spanish-speaking families! It is a perfect fit, everyone is kind and helpful, and I have been able to contribute already in many ways (e.g., helping to write grants, translating on home visits). I am technically still on my leave of absence, but as soon as I get a free weekend I will be sending a letter announcing my intentions not to return and detailing what happened during my time in grad school. I eventually plan to work toward in Master's in a related field, possibly social work. I feel like I am really helping people and making a difference in people's lives, and I'm far far away from my crazy adviser! Thanks for your support throughout this journey! Also, I spoke with my undergraduate adviser. Turns out my grad school adviser has only graduated one, ONE, student in her LONG tenure at my grad institution. Neither of us knew the extent of her behavior, and my undergrad adviser felt horribly about how it turned out. I guess most of her student's quit or join a different lab. My crazy grad adviser was also quite confrontational with my undergrad adviser at a conference they both attended this summer, simply because they have differing opinions on a certain aspect of development. Dodged a bullet there!

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. This did happen to me, and not in a joking way. My ex-advisor seemed to think that I was intellectually capable of completing a graduate program, but not emotionally capable. She told me I needed to get over my "fear of ambiguity" and that some people can't. "That's the reason why not everyone has a PhD." I was and still am, to be honest, kind of an emotional, neurotic mess. However, I became that way after dealing with this bullying from my advisor for months (you can see my other threads for a summary of that). It's hard not to let harsh words like that affect you. I, for one, have decided to take a leave of absence to reconsider if I want to be part of a culture that allows behavior like this from people in positions of power, but I admire the people who can use this as motivation. To me it is incredibly demotivating.

Hi everyone, Thanks for the replies. I have decided to finish off my classes and TA work this semester and then take a leave of absence. I honestly don't believe I will be returning, but I feel better knowing that I can if I find myself wanting to when I am in a clearer mental state. I'm quite happy with this decision. I need to find some work to fill the credits that used to be occupied by my research lab, but the university wants to keep me around to finish out my TAship so that shouldn't be too hard to do. The only problem I am having is that I am taking some serious attitude from the senior graduate student in the lab I left. Apparently, she is very angry about it and about me not coming to her to tell her. I had asked my previous advisor if I should let other lab members know and she told me not to. I assumed, in that case, my advisor would tell this student. Of course, it seems she heard from gradual trickling of this news through the department and is mad about that. Honestly, it isn't her or anyone else's business. This was between me and my advisor. And it's not like this graduate student devoted a ton of time to helping me in the first place. We were always told how busy she is and how we need to respect her time!

Hi everyone, Thanks for your support! The meeting is over. It was not at all like what I expected - she was weirdly nice, though in a very passive aggressive way. She acknowledged that she knows I have been distressed and that she cares about me and wants me to succeed and doesn't want me to quit grad school. In response to my reasons for leaving she said that no one will give me the kind of guidance I want (how does she know what I want?) and that I think switching labs will solve all my problems but that it won't. She said I should take time to work on my own problems instead of putting it on her. She even said she thinks I should take a leave of absence, which I said I would consider. But then I realized if I took a leave of absence I would have to drop everything and leave now. What I really want is to leave the lab, which is causing distress, but to finish my courses and TA classes. I articulated that to her and she again insisted switching wouldn't help. Eventually she said "you're not going to be swayed?" and I responded affirmatively and she said I could always change my mind and I tearfully thanked her and left. I have two concerns. 1) I have no idea what to do now about the lab. I asked her about finishing up outstanding work and she laughed in a derisive way (like I'm not even working on anything, or at the very least anything important). I asked her if I needed to do anything like inform the undergraduates and she said "no." Am I done? Like should I clean out my office and stop showing up to meetings? This is what I want and effectively in my mind I have ended the working relationship but it really felt like there was no resolution, no tying up of loose ends. I have to email the area coordinator about meeting with my advisor so I think I will ask her how to proceed? And 2) there is the concern over what I do now. I am supposed to write a research summary and submit it for the faculty to discuss and see if they can place me in a lab. However, my friends are convinced if I don't contact potential advisors ahead of time I will be setting myself up to fail because there will be no one to advocate for me. I'm inclined to agree that my chances of being retained by the program are slim, but I'm in such a bad frame of mind that I can't even think about my interests or who I should work with or who I should be contacting. I feel like making a decision in the place I'm in will just lead to more failure down the line, but this needs to be done soon. I could just let it go and let them kick me out (or rather let them strongly suggest I leave), but it's been hard to untangle the misery of the lab from all of grad school and I don't know if leaving is the best option or not (though I am prepared to do so if it is the ONLY option). Please advise.

Hi everyone, Thanks for the advice. The meeting is tomorrow afternoon. I feel that this is unfortunate timing because it is our area interview weekend and she will be meeting with prospective students all day (and will probably only have 1/2 hour to meet with me). Moreover, there is a social function that evening that all students and faculty will attend. This is, however, the only time she would give me to meet. I had requested we talk Monday but she wanted to do it this week. I didn't mention in the email that I was intending to leave her lab or the program, as this is not what I was advised in my meeting with the area coordinator. Now I am panicking that she will be taken completely be surprise (which seems impossible because I leave every meeting with her crying) and it will be unbearable. I have what I want to say typed up and other people have told me it is really good, but I'm scared to death and imagining all the worst possible scenarios. Ugh. I wish I had taken the area coordinator up on her offer. Or at the very least asked her to attend. But because of the timing she probably wouldn't be able to anyways. Do you think I should cancel? That might just make her angrier. Ahhhhhhhhh I'm freaking out.

Hi all, Just a quick update - I talked to my area coordinator today. She was very sympathetic and helpful. She offered to talk to my advisor for me and tell her I'm leaving the lab but I told her I should probably do it. Our interview weekend is this weekend, so I will probably email my advisor on Friday or Saturday to set up a meeting for Monday. I'm sure the conversation will be difficult to have. I plan on letting her know I feel bad about this and anxious about the position that I am leaving her in, but I need to do what's best for me. That I'm leaving the lab and that, ultimately, I feel this will be best for her as well since she is never happy with my performance. Hopefully it will be relatively painless. If anyone has any advice for how to handle this or how to deal with anxiety leading up to this, please let me know. After that, I will provide the area coordinator with a summary of what I'm interested in. The area faculty will meet and decide if there is anyone here for me to work with. They will come back with one of two decisions: either there is another lab I can transfer into or they would recommend I reapply elsewhere to find a better fit. Even if there is another lab for me to transfer into, the choice will ultimately be mine as to whether or not I stay. It would probably almost be easier then for them to tell me there is no other lab that can take me, as then the decision would be made for me! As for an update on seeing a psychiatrist. I FINALLY heard back from the community psychiatric provider I had contacted about 3 weeks ago. They wanted to schedule an appointment for me now, but there would still be a wait before I could get in. I decided to decline for the moment, as I have also been in touch with the leader of my group therapy sessions and he was going to get back to me ASAP about getting psychiatric care through the university. If I don't hear back from him by the end of the week I will be calling the community provider back and scheduling an appointment with them. Thanks for all your help and concern!

They say that switching is an option in my area, but when I tried last semester they basically shut me down. As for signs before I came here, there were none particularly from my PI. We just had some email exchanges and an hour interview during interview weekend. That went fine. But there were signs from other people. Everyone in the program was very diplomatic about it, saying she is very "direct" and has a certain style that isn't suited to everyone. Some said "well I like her and get along with her..." - implying that not everyone does. I thought that didn't sound too bad because I work hard... I should have really noticed when grad students from my undergrad institution said things like "oh yeah I've heard some things about her." These were students in a different area of a different school hundreds of miles away!

That version of grad school sounds great to me! Haha thanks for the responses - I was actually curious as to what responses people would have!

Honestly, what is the difference between hand-holding and guidance? My advisor doesn't believe in teaching - she literally believes you will learn better reading on your own than talking with some else, and goes as far as to forbid asking questions of other lab members because "it's a waste of everyone's time." I personally think that people learn better in different ways and you can't take a one size fits all approach. She recently told me I need too much hand-holding. I responded by saying I just want a little bit of guidance, like any guidance at all. The other first years in my cohort have advisors who tell them whether or not an idea is worth pursuing, send them articles they should be reading, and tell them what projects they should be working on and how they can contribute to those projects. My advisor refuses to do any of that. So am I asking for too much hand-holding?

Hi everyone, Thanks for all the responses. You all make really good points. I think you all hit the nail on the head - I feel guilty about wanting to switch and so I've been trying to make it work. I think the guilt stems from my advisor telling me that the problem is me. And when I'm feeling clear-headed I know that's not true, and I get a lot of external validation telling me that's not true. But when I'm down I'm internalizing everything she says and it's really affecting me. I know my health comes first. I think what's holding me back now is just sheer terror at initiating the process of leaving. The thought of having that conversation with her is scary. I know she'll consider me a failure and probably guilt trip me. But the thing is, I know I don't owe her, or anyone at this school, anything. It's too bad I lose sight of that as soon as I enter a meeting with her. I would consider simply switching labs... When I originally applied there were a lot of professors I could see myself working with... But the experience has been so bad I almost want to just leave. Unfortunately, if I did leave, I have no idea what I would do. As for the psychiatrist, the university I am at only provides short-term counseling so I have been looking for psychiatric services within the community, so maybe that is the problem. I am going to email the psychologist who runs my grad student group and see what he can do about helping me get the services I need. My advisor has been out of town (and I'm still panicking - sad, I know), and I really wanted to get in to see a psychiatrist before she returns next week. Thanks everyone for the concern and kind words! I will continue to update as anything changes.

So it's early on Sunday and I'm sitting in bed trying to do the reading assigned for my class, but I can't because I'm crying. Why am I crying? Because I have an 84% in my stats class and the class average is 90%. Now it is important to note that 1) we've done 2/10 homeworks and this grade doesn't include either exam, and 2) the two lowest homework scores get dropped. So why the hell am I crying? I don't know. This has to be a symptom of a bigger problem, mainly the fact that I feel so incredibly incompetent that I can barely function. And no, this isn't typical imposter syndrome. It's crippling fear and self-loathing that makes me want to stay in bed all day and shut off the outside world. I believe most of it stems from the awful lab situation I'm in (I talked about it in a different subforum) with an advisor who demands perfection yet doesn't believe in teaching, and who will go so far as to critique meeting minutes and emails - and not in a constructive manner. Her favorite response to anything I say is to shrug her shoulders, roll her eyes, and say "I don't know" like she can't even be bothered to humor me with a response. I feel dehumanized. She tells me that my fear of ambiguity is holding me back, but really it's my fear of what is going to set her off next. I know I'm suffering from depression and anxiety. I've been having panic attacks, which feel like a heart attack but I never go to the emergency room because I know it is only anxiety. I've been in counseling, but it's not helping. I'm trying to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist to get medication, but it's taking forever. I got in touch with them maybe two weeks ago and I still don't have an appointment scheduled. Every time the emotions overwhelm me and I break down, or I come home and curl up in bed and stare blankly at the wall, I wonder why the hell it's taking them so long. My friends tell me to switch advisors, but I know from my attempts last semester that it isn't that easy. It's a political process, and I'm not sure I'm emotionally stable enough to go through with it. The worst part is, I don't know what I want anymore. I thought I wanted this. I love to learn, but grad school hasn't taught me anything. Sometimes I think it would be better to quit, move back home, get a 9-5 job so that I can have nights and weekends free, and if I didn't get along with my boss, well, so be it because he/she wouldn't control every aspect of my life... But would I regret leaving? Is this just the depression and anxiety talking? The worst part is that the other students keep saying "find something you love and the criticisms won't matter." Like I should let myself be beaten down and treated like I'm less than human simply because I like my classes or I enjoy being a TA. It's a disgusting system, where abuse is accepted as a necessary evil to endure to get what you want. It shouldn't have to be like that and I don't think it is, for everyone. But I was unlucky enough to find a lab where it's the norm. I'm not sure what to do next. I want to tell my advisor I'm done, that I'm leaving at the end of the semester... But every time I get into a meeting with her I clam up and become timid and meek. I put on a smile when I go to class, when I TA, but it's so hard to keep functioning, living, moving forward. Any advice, grad café?

Thank you both for your responses! I think the conclusion St Andrews Lynx came to is most likely correct, but it can definitely be frustrating!

So I checked my mailbox today and I had ratings on a scale of one to five of my performance as a TA from both of the professors I TAed for last semester. They had both indicated to me in person that they were perfectly happy with the work I was doing, so I didn't expect any bad ratings. One professor rated me 5/5 (excellent/well above expectations) on everything and had only good comments. The other rated me 3/5 on everything, which indicates good/meets expectations. This was unexpected. This professor's comments said I was not proactive because I didn't engage with students in the mini discussions they had in class, which was not something I was ever told I should be doing during the semester. The only time it was suggested I participate in these discussions was when one student was purposely not participating and I was told to talk to her next time if she didn't find a classmate to talk to. We have discussions mid-semester about how everything is going. If this professor had a concern with my performance, why wasn't this brought up then? I am a first-year and have never TAed before; there was no training whatsoever - they just throw you into the fire. The class was in my area, but a part of my area that I have little familiarity with. Why refuse to tell me I'm doing something wrong and then rate me lower because of it? I'm trying not to take this too hard, but since it's a professor evaluation I feel it should be taken more seriously than student evaluations. The worst part is that the other grad students in my area got 5/5 from all their professors even though one was consistently behind in getting work back to students.

To nnnnnnn: To clarify, I never said I would give up the NSF. I said that that was their solution to fixing my relationship with my advisor. I didn't give it up because clearly the NSF was not the problem in our relationship. To TMP: I did bring my complaints to my advisor first. She indicated she is not going to change. That is when I spoke with the DGS and my area coordinator. Otherwise, both of you make good points. Thanks!

Hi DanieleWrites - That's good advice! As I was reading what you wrote, I couldn't believe how well what you were saying matched up with what I was thinking/feeling! Anyways, I just wanted to clarify that school is actually not in session Monday and Tuesday of the week of Thanksgiving. The official break is the 24th-30th and there are no classes at all that week so I'm not really skipping town early! Many people are going home the Friday before the week of Thanksgiving! As for the work I will be missing, well, all I'm doing for the lab right now is reading and trying to come up with a new project now that my NSF is submitted. That can be done from anywhere, IMO. Thanks for your input!

Thanks everyone! PsychGirl1, you're right! I just need to relax. I went to counseling today and found it very helpful and validating. It's also validating that the undergraduates in the lab have recently been voicing concerns similar to my own. I do have one question though. I plan on going home for Thanksgiving break the week after the next. I have tickets bought to fly out the Sunday before Thanksgiving and to return the Saturday after. The university is closed during this time. Going home is very important to me, as I haven't seen my family since August, and Thanksgiving is generally a holiday I spend with extended family. I plan on going home for the entire week because it doesn't make sense for me to spend a thousand dollars to go home for just three days; plus it is more expensive to fly closer to the holiday. At the beginning of the semester, my advisor asked when I would be gone and I told her only over the holidays (e.g., Thanksgiving, Christmas) when the university is closed. She was fine with that, which is why I went ahead and bought my tickets. But now I am terrified to bring it up, which is why I haven't yet. The senior grad student in the lab asked if I'm planning to go home and I said yes and she asked if I had talked to our advisor and I said no and she suggested that I do, which I thought sounded rather threatening (though that may be my bias talking). I plan to talk to her about it in our Monday meeting. I have what I plan to say completely thought out. I talked it over with friends and family, as well as my therapist, who thought it sounds "perfectly acceptable." Basically I'm going to remind her of the conversation we had, say I plan to go home and that I'm willing to keep working over break, and ask what she wants to me work on. My therapist had suggested sending an email before the Monday meeting saying all of this and that we can talk then about what I should be working on, but my advisor hates email. She generally responds with "let's discuss this in person." But maybe it would make her less angry and likely to lash out if I emailed earlier? What do you guys think?

Hi PsychGirl1, I would love to a take a weekend off, but my advisor already has the opinion that I don't do anything. I mean really, she always asks me "did you read this?", "what are you doing over the weekend?", and just this morning "did you even think about this?" Even if I make progress on something, if it's not exactly what she wants I have to deal with these demeaning remarks. It's discouraging because I spend more time working than anyone else I know. I do believe she thinks this approach is the best way to turn me into a good scientist. Unfortunately, I don't think she understands that it truly does not work for everyone. It is killing my self-confidence to the point where my anxiety over seeing her starts 24 hours in advance of our meetings and I go in already defeated. Just today she told me that having a discussion with me feels like giving an exam and that talking about these things should be fun. It is absolutely not fun for me because I know if I say the wrong thing (as happened today) I will be told I need to be more prepared or that I don't think enough or whatever. I mean really she told me I should be thinking about this 24/7 - in the shower, in the car - and that it should be a part of who I am. I think this works for some people, but not everyone. And it's not that I don't think about things but that I don't feel comfortable discussing them with her based on our history. But I don't feel like I can just say that. To be fair, I am sure I am not doing my best work. It's kind of hard to do anything at this point. I'm at a loss. I don't want to leave, but feel like I am not cut out for this. Everyone else here insists I am and that I can't be sure until I experience work in a different lab, but I am not sure they will allow me to switch, or that I can even make it through the process of switching. I feel trapped and miserable and almost want to check myself into a mental health center just to escape it all. I'm also having a hard time determining if my mental representation of her is accurate, or if I'm being unfair. I think what happened was, she overloaded me at the beginning of the semester and then got angry at my performance without realizing how much I had going on. I therefore developed this idea of her as unreasonable and kind of a bully, and now I see every one of her actions as support for this representation (there's some name for this in social psych - I can't remember exactly what it is). Because I believe this to be true about her, I get really anxious when thinking about or working on anything directly related to her or the lab, resulting in me probably not having my best performance and leading to more reprimands from her and basically it's a vicious cycle. And I want out. Sorry it this was kind of rambling. Even if no one responds, it helps me to write my thoughts down.

Hi chris0213li, I had hoped to switch advisors, but after my area coordinator met with my advisor they came to the conclusion that the friction in our relationship was caused by the NSF and that these problems will go away after submission. I disagreed with that, but I'm hesitant to bring up switching again because 1) When my advisor gets upset with me, she brings up the fact that I went behind her back and talked to people so if I do it again and still end up working with her I'm afraid it will make things even worse, 2) I am afraid that if I try to switch labs, she will tell everyone I'm not cut out for this and I won't be able to find another lab to switch into, and 3) I think a part of me is scared she is right and I'm not smart and I'm not working hard enough. It might be irrational, but my self-confidence is shot.

Thanks for your comments, all. I really appreciate it! To address one question: she has tenure so this is not a reflection of her working like crazy to get tenure. This is simply her personality. After my area coordinator spoke with her, she was very nice for about a week, and then things devolved rapidly. I came into a meeting and asked for clarification on her comments on my draft. She had simply said that the paragraph was "unclear", but obviously it had made sense to me so I was having a hard time figuring out exactly in what way it was unclear, which is important to understanding how to fix it. So I asked for additional clarification and she basically told me I'm expecting too much, that this was more feedback than most advisors would give, and that "I sit there and look at her like she's evil because I expect her to tell me what to do and she won't." She then said "First you're complaining about me to other people [presumably in reference to me talking to the DGS/area coordinator] and now you're dinging my feedback style. I'm not going to change so you either have to figure out how to make this work or find a new advisor." I told her I have been trying to make this work and she said that complaining about her feedback isn't trying to make it work. She is also still unhappy that I haven't had a ton of time for lab work, and thinks I am not ready to be an RA. I think, beyond simply being swamped, not doing a ton of lab work may just be due to the fact that I am so extremely depressed over this whole situation. I find it hard to get out of bed, I'm constantly crying, and I am terrified of interacting with her. So, to an extent, I probably do try to avoid getting really deeply involved in the data because I want as little to do with her as possible. My parents and friends are probably sick of hearing me talk about this, but I feel utterly hopeless. I'm going to go to the counseling services center but I feel it won't be helpful if I stay in what I consider to be a toxic situation. My dad is ready to rent a U-Haul and come take me home, but it sucks to think I would have to leave because of this.

Hi everyone! Again, thanks for the feedback! It really helps me to keep things in perspective. I met with my advisor this morning. She brought up speaking with the area coordinator right away... Apparently their "solution" to the situation is to have me stop working on the NSF. I can say this is definitely not what I was expecting. I thought I had made it clear that, after a lot of introspection, what I am experiencing is due to an incompatibility with my advisor and is not related to the current project. I believe we would be having this problem regardless of the project, the timeframe, etc. I voiced that belief again in my meeting, but it doesn't look like I will be switching labs, and if she changes her behavior at all is yet to be seen. She insists this would not be a failing on my part and that I'm perfectly capable of succeeding etc., but that it is "a barrier to our relationship" or some lame excuse like that. As for dropping the project, I said I'd consider it, but I don't plan on agreeing. I've worked my butt off on this and it will be just as competitive as anyone else's in the program. If I'm stuck working with her I'm going to finish this *%&# proposal. But I'm not sure what to do at this point. I thought the area coordinator was on my side, but I guess not.

Hi everyone, Thanks for the feedback! It really is helpful. I already had my meeting with the DGS last Friday and today I talked to the area coordinator. She couldn't believe anything was wrong because I put on such a brave face generally haha. She thinks my concerns are valid and, after meeting with the DGS this afternoon, she decided to email my advisor tonight and set up a meeting with her tomorrow. This worries me, as I have class with my advisor tomorrow morning. In general, this whole process worries me because I am non-confrontational and would like to avoid uncomfortable situations at all costs... However, I feel (and I made it clear) that if something doesn't change I have to switch advisors or leave because I don't feel we are a good match and this is not at all a productive environment for me. The area coordinator said something interesting - she thinks my advisor probably doesn't even recognize there is a problem because this is just the way she is. This makes me even more concerned that she will be blindsided and angry about this even though I've tried to express what I think about our relationship in meetings and she has just been very dismissive about my needs as an advisee. In general, I say what I think, she dismisses it, and I have to end up just nodding my head and agreeing.

Hi callista, Thanks for the concern! Things aren't really any better. My advisor constantly questions whether I'm excited about/happy with my project. When I tell her it's not the project but the situation she doesn't seem to get it. I tried to explain to her that constant criticism without positive reinforcement doesn't work for me (particularly because I was in an abusive relationship in the past) and that it is really demotivating and she tells me that's just the way it is. I understand you get a lot of criticism in grad school, but all of my friend's advisors have been very supportive and understanding. She also told me I need therapy, which I think is not her place to say. She also expects an unreasonable amount of work from me. In a recent meeting she told me I shouldn't be sleeping, all because she was disappointed in one draft I turned in (which I had to do between Monday and Tuesday morning with several classes in between and administering two exams for a class I TA for). I work more than any other first-year in the program and it's never good enough. She is also contradictory - telling me my grant should be my sole focus and then, when I don't have time to run analyses in the lab because I have 45 5-7 page papers to grade, regular coursework, and several drafts of my grant due, she lashes out at me about that. I talked with the DGS and, as she pointed out, if my advisor wanted me to be working so much in the lab she should be funding me off of her grant. This whole thing is particularly concerning because I'm internalizing everything she's saying and starting to feel like maybe it is me, maybe I'm just not working hard enough, maybe I'm not passionate enough, etc. I dread my meetings with her and am constantly scared to check my email. I know I can't make it through 5 years like this. The DGS, of course, wants me to try and work things out with her. The next step is to talk to my area coordinator. I think I might just end up quitting!