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Long N

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  1. As hard as it sounds, I need to agree with @2020PhD. The GRE should not be a problem for you, if you have successfully completed a STEM undergrad major, however you might have a problem with the test format, the problem wording, blackouts, panic during exams etc. Truth is, that a score of 149 nevertheless puts you roughly in the lower third of all test takers, including Non-STEM majors and the GRE is, in my opinion, indeed a legit method to quantify your likelihood to succeed in grad-school-level math. Anyways I would also second all the other former posters, including yourself. Though tests and grades are at the very least an indicator of potential, still they do not rule out the possibility that you're nevertheless capable of the quality that is being tested or graded. Which is also why you should never define yourself based on these measurements. I am sure, you have other qualities which are even way more important in defining what truly matters to you and who you really are as a human, not a computer scientists, student, software engineer, child-of-a-prominent-family or whatever. Think about why you want to start a business, why you want to pursue grad studies, why you even care about all the things you said. Because you feel like you have to? To prove something to someone? To earn money and spend it, whilst still being haunted by your past? Whatever potential state of life you might seek in the future, I can guarantee you it will not take away the pain you described. The grad school application process and career decision making can be a harsh time for all of us. Based on my feeling, I would consider your problem to be of psychological nature rather than being due to external circumstances. I understand that being bullied, growing up in a bad environment (from own experience), etc. can have a huge toll on you, but if you really start regretting more than half of your life, there is nothing wrong with the decisions you made or with stuff that happened to you. The root of your pain must be somewhere in your head or way of thinking. The expectations you set yourself, the inflexibility of your own idea of a successful career or the constant self-doubt paired with regrets about the unchangeable. Still I am not an expert on this, this is just my opinion and you should definitely consult your therapist and listen to him as he listens to you. While this might sound like a very unsatisfying answer, I hope you can see the chance in that assumption. You will never ever ever ever be able to change things that happened in the past, regretting will not do anything but harm. However if you consult your therapist and accept that some things need to be changed regarding your state of mind, then you can finally move on and built towards something great. If the assumption is correct and that is exactly what is hindering you from pursuing your dreams, and not everything you have listed, then getting rid of that might just be the liberating spark that you needed, to unlock your true potential. And it is absolutely never too late for that. Thus, taking a timeout and tapping into your inner self seems more reasonable as of now than chasing something concrete outside in the world. I am not hoping for you to get admitted, I am hoping for you to get a more positive perspective about yourself and optimistic outlook on life, and if you then still think that CS grad school is the way to go, I will also hope that you will be able to pursue that. Whatever your admission outcome will be, whatever your next step in life might be, stay strong and stay safe. Take care of yourself. All the best!
  2. Hey everyone, I am from Berlin and received a DAAD scholarship for my Masters in the US. As I am working abroad right now, I cannot say too much about the IRL situation in Germany, but I hope all incoming students are aware of the travel restrictions and severe situation in everyday life and academia. The DAAD website states that most programs for this summer are cancelled or deferred. My home university (TUB) is struggling with organizing the upcoming semester as well and my personal admission timeline looks bleak as well. However, all Fall 2020 incomings should wait for further announcements from the DAAD and their host university before jumping into a cycle of worry and fear. If anyone else here received a scholarship from the DAAD (outgoing or incoming) or is planning their studies in the US / Germany (especially Berlin), please feel free to send me a message. I am eager to help where I can.
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