Looks good so far! May help to talk less about your life and personal experiences and more about your process and what you're most interested in pursuing with your painting. I know it's hard to separate these, as the process is so personal. From what I've found though, schools are much more interested in your process and your reasons behind painting in the first place. There's so many painters out there doing so many incredible things...so make yourself stand out in your approach, process, and subject matter. If at all possible, try to talk about something that hasn't been done before! Best of luck!
Also, really believe what you're writing about your work. Make sure it rings true to your feelings. I didn't get in to a school I interviewed at because i feel my verbal skills weren't up to their standards. Part of that had to do with me not feeling totally connected to my work. Almost like i was making work I thought these schools would be interested in more than i was actually interested in the work itself...if that makes sense. Just be true!