Moving families/significant others

[TMP]

Caligula, congrats on Columbia! I'm crossing my fingers that you can survive in NYC with whatever they plan to give you for stipend Well, that sucks with the boyfriend... hope that this acceptance has cheered you up even though it can't exactly replace a human being

hopkinsgirl, you're going to be in the MA program for two years. It's not a long time. Time really flies. As StrangeLight said, grad school is another level and you will be so busy/exhausted. One of my friends went LDR for two years when he did his MS. He stayed with his girlfriend in the summer for a couple weeks and visited her occasionally throughout the year. Now they're married. LDR will test the strength of your relationship but don't be afraid. If you love each other, you will find a way to make a LDR work out. Also with the economy it is, it might be difficult on your BF's psyche when he looks for a job and realizes that it might be only for two years (or less if it's taking him longer).

So glad that I'm still single (much to my mother and grandmother's dismay or delight, depending on their mood) so I can wherever I go and then find my SO there.

[pea-jay]

My wife is practically counting down till when we can leave here. She'd leave for NYC *NOW* if given the chance. It's my kids that I'm more concerned about. Although they've lived in small towns for their entire lives, we frequently go to large cities like SF, Chicago, DC or NYC.

[subrosa]

A very timely and difficult topic!

When I did my one-year masters, my partner stayed behind in the larger city 2.5 hours away, where he had been at a great job for years. We agreed that it didn't make sense for him to follow me until I knew I'd stay somewhere for the longer haul. He'd drive down to visit me every other weekend, and I'd go stay with him during my longer breaks. It was not ideal, but we made it work, with the understanding that it was only a temporary arrangement.

Now I'm ready to commit to a PhD program, and we once again find ourselves at a crossroad.

I have a great rapport with the professors at my masters school - they are the most perfect mentors I could hope for, and I feel the tug of loyalty and sentimentality to return to them. But the school itself is in a smaller town with questionable employment opportunities for my partner, even though he says he is willing to explore options there.

Alternatively, I could join him in his city, so he can keep his job. The program there is also very good, but I am uneasy about this choice, as it is simply an "unknown" - plus the faculty there have a reputation for being distant and always too busy - and I am loathe to part with my masters advisors.

The third option is to continue long distance, but ugh! After two years of distance (one year 2.5 hours' drive away, the other trans-Pacific), I'm getting pretty sick of the feast-and-famine mode.

In all likelihood, I'll end up going to the program in my partner's city, but I'm not quite ready to accept that yet. I'm terrified that I'll hate the city school, and that the choice will damage my relationships with my MA advisors, whom I all but worship. It's getting to the point that this internal debate is compromising sleep and work. All that said, I know I'm incredibly lucky, and very, very grateful to even have this choice to agonize over.

------------------------------------------

More specifically in response to the OP, hopkinsgirl, isn't the MA program you are considering a one-year (actually 9-month) program?

If you already know for sure that you will be applying for PhD programs immediately in the next cycle, it seems like it would be wiser to save your "get to move your partner free card" until you know where you'll be later on. (Of course, this was my choice when I was in your position, and the distance from where my partner was was much closer than the distance between New Haven and Baltimore.)

It also depends on your fiance-to-be - has he already graduated/is he graduating with you? Does he have work experience? What kind of work would he seek? Does he have academic or life ambitions of his own? These all factor significantly in regard to how easy it would be to move and find a new job, and how much of a sacrifice it might be.

Edited February 26, 2010 by subrosa

[hopkinsgirl]

More specifically in response to the OP, hopkinsgirl, isn't the MA program you are considering a one-year (actually 9-month) program?

If you already know for sure that you will be applying for PhD programs immediately in the next cycle, it seems like it would be wiser to save your "get to move your partner free card" until you know where you'll be later on. (Of course, this was my choice when I was in your position, and the distance from where my partner was was much closer than the distance between New Haven and Baltimore.)

It also depends on your fiance-to-be - has he already graduated/is he graduating with you? Does he have work experience? What kind of work would he seek? Does he have academic or life ambitions of his own? These all factor significantly in regard to how easy it would be to move and find a new job, and how much of a sacrifice it might be.

hahahah subrosa you are actually so wise - saving the "get to move your partner free card". It's tough though - one person before in this thread brought up the fact that I *am* only 20 and shouldn't stress out that much about this, but it's a sort of sticky sitch because my boyfriend is a bit older (28), finished his MA last year (in labor relations and poli sci and is now looking for union jobs). Not so many union jobs in New Haven as in Boston for him, ergo he's annoyed I didn't get into Harvard. He's also kind of at the "settling" age - he's super-homey and really wants to move in together and get engaged eventually and have lots of bebes (and he sees all his friends getting married and settling). Was your partner in Boston (just guessing from the time distance)? It's the sort of commute we're looking at.

Edited February 26, 2010 by hopkinsgirl

[subrosa]

hahahah subrosa you are actually so wise - saving the "get to move your partner free card". It's tough though - one person before in this thread brought up the fact that I *am* only 20 and shouldn't stress out that much about this, but it's a sort of sticky sitch because my boyfriend is a bit older (28), finished his MA last year (in labor relations and poli sci and is now looking for union jobs). Not so many union jobs in New Haven as in Boston for him, ergo he's annoyed I didn't get into Harvard. He's also kind of at the "settling" age - he's super-homey and really wants to move in together and get engaged eventually and have lots of bebes (and he sees all his friends getting married and settling). Was your partner in Boston (just guessing from the time distance)? It's the sort of commute we're looking at.

Yup, my fellow is still in Boston. He is also a bit older, and more settled into his job, etc.

Just from what little I know about your situation - and please do take this with a good wallop of salt - it might indeed work for your "kareshi" to seek fulfilling employment in Boston. If he can drive, and if his labor work allows for weekends and occasionally long weekends, the distance isn't so bad. You'll be soooooooooooooo busy during the week at school anyway. (I can't emphasize the "soooooooooooo" enough.)

Long distance can be miserable, but, looking at the upside of this arrangement, you can use the distance both to 'test' your relationship, as others have mentioned here, and to focus on your MA studies. Believe me, it is *hard* work! Then, with all your stellar accomplishments during your MA time, you'll be in better position to pick and choose where to go in a year. If your kareshi is still Mr. Right, you can join him, he can join you, or you can both ride off into some beautiful sunset somewhere else.

Gambatte ne! I really hope everything works out well for you, and that you will be happy with whatever you choose.

[breakfast]

My wife is practically counting down till when we can leave here. She'd leave for NYC *NOW* if given the chance. It's my kids that I'm more concerned about. Although they've lived in small towns for their entire lives, we frequently go to large cities like SF, Chicago, DC or NYC.

My girlfriend is doing the same. Both of us hate Phoenix, and neither of us will have jobs here (impossible to find) in a few months, so there is nothing keeping either of us here.

[peppermint.beatnik]

Yup, my fellow is still in Boston. He is also a bit older, and more settled into his job, etc.

Just from what little I know about your situation - and please do take this with a good wallop of salt - it might indeed work for your "kareshi" to seek fulfilling employment in Boston. If he can drive, and if his labor work allows for weekends and occasionally long weekends, the distance isn't so bad. You'll be soooooooooooooo busy during the week at school anyway. (I can't emphasize the "soooooooooooo" enough.)

Long distance can be miserable, but, looking at the upside of this arrangement, you can use the distance both to 'test' your relationship, as others have mentioned here, and to focus on your MA studies. Believe me, it is *hard* work! Then, with all your stellar accomplishments during your MA time, you'll be in better position to pick and choose where to go in a year. If your kareshi is still Mr. Right, you can join him, he can join you, or you can both ride off into some beautiful sunset somewhere else.

Gambatte ne! I really hope everything works out well for you, and that you will be happy with whatever you choose.

I think this is good advice. I've done ldr, successfully, on and off for four years. Plus, 20 is too young to settle-down even if you think you're ready.

Edited February 26, 2010 by peppermint.beatnik

[cremebrulee]

Lots of people do the New Haven/NYC commuter relationship. It's not ideal, but you can certainly see each other every weekend. Taking the Metro-North is easy and not too expensive if you buy tickets in bulk.

[deuterides]

Lots of people do the New Haven/NYC commuter relationship. It's not ideal, but you can certainly see each other every weekend. Taking the Metro-North is easy and not too expensive if you buy tickets in bulk.

I second this, we live about two hours north of New York (although in NY, not CT, but the distance between where we are to the city and between New Haven and the city is negligible) and my girlfriend commutes to NYU for a one year masters at Steinhart and work while I finish up undergrad. The commuting gets to her, but if you keep a good home situation and realize that your significant other will be in a bad mood every day but the weekend, its not too bad, especially when you know its temporary.