Moving away from school to be with SO - advisor uphappy

[turbidite]

A little background... I'm a 4th year PhD student who has been ABD for roughly a year - classes, comps, and other requirements all complete. I've done a lot of thinking and have decided I want to propose to my girlfriend of ~3.5 years. I've planned it out, picked the ring, etc but have run into a bit of a problem. First, my SO recently got the job of her dreams in a city that is 4 hours by car away from my university. I don't think either of us has been enjoying the distance and have mentioned to each other in the past that if we got engaged, we would be living together. I feel like since I'm just writing I could work from anywhere but evidently my advisor does not agree.

Upon breaking the news to my advisor that I would be moving at the end of the semester, he seemed pretty upset and asked me to reconsider. He's not married so I could be projecting here... but I feel like he can't empathize with this situation. In any case, he gave me a pretty long lecture about how academia is a lifestyle and how changing my priorities at inopportune times could be devastating to my long-term career. I personally feel like this is a bit overboard and ultimately won't affect my decision-making. However, it has been messing with my head and making me feel guilty. My parents unfortunately haven't been too supportive as they are both professors (sigh) who didn't get married until earning tenure. For my friends outside of academia the idea sounds ludicrous but I'm curious to hear opinions from other grad students/budding academics who have perhaps gone though a similar experience or know someone else who has... thoughts?

[Hope.for.the.best]

Since you can write your dissertation in your own time, I also don't see any reason why you can't move and live with your fiancee. I don't know your advisor, but he may be concerned that you run away and do not have the discipline to keep up with writing. I would suggest that you work out a plan for completing your dissertation, e.g. complete Chapter 1 by what date, Chapter 2 by what date etc. Make times to meet with him regularly, e.g. once a month. If your advisor feels up to it, you may even catch up via skype. After your make the plan, talk to your advisor again. If you can reassure him that you will keep your writing on track, he may change his attitude. FYI, my dad did his PhD in a city that is 2 hours away by train, and his advisors were okay with him coming once in a while. 

In the meantime, have a conversation with your fiancee. Let her know that you are trying your best to move in with her, but she may need to wait until you finish your dissertation if you advisor doesn't approve it. Given that she has waited for 3.5 years to live with you, I don't see why she cannot wait for a bit longer. 

[rheya19]

There are definitely professors with this perspective on their students-- that they should live for their research and put everything else second, but those professors usually have no personal lives or very dysfunctional personal lives themselves.

Luckily, there are also a lot of professors who recognize that you have to put your most important relationships first, and that your research is ultimately a job. Are there any other professors in your school that you'd be comfortable talking to?--not about your advisor, but about your situation with your girlfriend?

But honestly, just remember that you don't need anyone's permission to live your life. Your advisor can stomp his feet, but this is your decision, and you live with the consequences, not him. Don't feel guilty for taking care of your girlfriend or yourself. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty; just do what's right for you. 

And who knows? Maybe if you move and still stay on top of your work (because you will no doubt be just fine), you might change your advisor's mind on the topic of balancing personal lives and research... or at least nudge his mind in the right direction.

[dr. t]

I mean, what's your access to academic libraries and other necessary structures like in the other city?

[AP]

4 hours ago, turbidite said:

A little background... I'm a 4th year PhD student who has been ABD for roughly a year - classes, comps, and other requirements all complete. I've done a lot of thinking and have decided I want to propose to my girlfriend of ~3.5 years. I've planned it out, picked the ring, etc but have run into a bit of a problem. First, my SO recently got the job of her dreams in a city that is 4 hours by car away from my university. I don't think either of us has been enjoying the distance and have mentioned to each other in the past that if we got engaged, we would be living together. I feel like since I'm just writing I could work from anywhere but evidently my advisor does not agree.

Upon breaking the news to my advisor that I would be moving at the end of the semester, he seemed pretty upset and asked me to reconsider. He's not married so I could be projecting here... but I feel like he can't empathize with this situation. In any case, he gave me a pretty long lecture about how academia is a lifestyle and how changing my priorities at inopportune times could be devastating to my long-term career. I personally feel like this is a bit overboard and ultimately won't affect my decision-making. However, it has been messing with my head and making me feel guilty. My parents unfortunately haven't been too supportive as they are both professors (sigh) who didn't get married until earning tenure. For my friends outside of academia the idea sounds ludicrous but I'm curious to hear opinions from other grad students/budding academics who have perhaps gone though a similar experience or know someone else who has... thoughts?

There are people, like your advisor, who consider academia as a lifestyle. I don't, for me it is a job. You need to decide whether you agree with him or not. Either way will be fine because it is about you and your life, but you need to be honest with yourself and your advisor about this. I know many people who moved away to be with their SO (myself included). Is it hard? Yes. Is it impossible? No. 

[TheWalkingGrad]

On the other hand... you mentioned your girlfriend found her dream job in this other city, but how about after you graduate? Academic jobs are hard to find, and one can rarely pick and choose the city they'll live in once they start looking for jobs at universities, at least at first. Does this city or its proximities have more than one university where have a chance of getting a job? Or do you expect her to leave her dream job to move with you once you're married?

I'm all for having a life and romance and all, but it seems like a LDR will be an issue again in one or two years.

Good luck!

[rising_star]

@telkanuru asks a really important question. Will you have the resources (libraries, databases, computing power, etc.) needed if you move to your girlfriend's city? Also, if you move there, how will you support yourself financially? Will you need to get a full-time job in addition to working on your dissertation?

If I were you, I would have a serious sitdown with my advisor about the work-related reasons why they don't support you doing this. There very well could be clear professional reasons for this that you don't yet know or understand. While I recognize that the posters above aren't wrong when they say you can do whatever you want, you should also be aware of the serious ramifications this may have on your relationship with your advisor. If you go against their wishes and move away, they may decide to walk away from you as a student, exclude you from publication opportunities, limit your access to data, etc. Are you prepared to find a new supervisor for your dissertation if the current relationship can't be salvaged because you move away?

@TheWalkingGrad is also quite right about considering your post-PhD life. What do you want to do post-PhD? Will you be able to secure employment in the city of your girlfriend's dream job? Also, what happens if the dream job turns out not to really be a dream job once she's there for several months?

[TakeruK]

Generally, in the sciences, finishing your dissertation is a lot more than just writing the dissertation. The OP's sidebar says Geophysics, which would usually operate under a very different model than other fields where it's more common and easy to go away for the last part of your PhD since it's just writing the dissertation.

In the sciences, it's not really a matter of academia as a lifestyle or not (I also view it as a job). Instead, it is a job and the grad student is expected to be present in the department, take place in department events, seminars, etc. Depending on the source of funding, they may also be working on research and it is reasonable for a boss to expect their employee to be present at their workplace. 

So, while yes, your advisor cannot stop you from going off campus. But they can make you choose between finishing your degree with them and moving off campus. Maybe you can find another advisor willing to fund you and advise you remotely. Most schools don't have a very long "minimum residency time" where you must be on campus but everything else generally requires advisor approval. I think another difference in sciences and other fields is that the advisor and student are more committed to each other. I think a student wanting to take an unauthorized leave of absence is enough grounds for an advisor to drop a student as their advisee.

But it doesn't and shouldn't come to these extremes. It sounds like your advisor is asking for a real dialogue and he does bring up a good point about changing priorities at inopportune times. In addition to what others wrote here about having access to the right resources and funding. It does sound like your advisor will still keep you as their student though but rising_star brings up important points about how you value this relationship. 

I know some students in similar situations as you and they usually work out some arrangement where they spend some fraction of their time away but never all of their time. Usually the summer semester is a good time to be away since not much is happening on campus or in the department. Then the student might spend one month out of the 4 month semester out of town, which totals 6 months present and 6 months away. You can normally work it out with your advisor on key times you need to be around. At least at my PhD school, you also need approval from the University to go on "detached duty" in order to keep your student status and funding while physically separated from campus.