Feeling out of place in program

[ThrowAwayAcct18]

Hi all,

TLDR; Lonely as heck in grad school and it's driving me up the wall. 

---

This is a throw away acct that I formed, because quite a few of my classmates use this website and we know one -another's handles. 

Anyways,

I'm in the 2nd semester of my PhD program. I moved almost across the country to come here. The only time I am happy here is when I am doing coursework, studying, or am in class. The rest of the time, I am holed up in a library, cafe, or other high traffic social areas (but not socializing) doing homework. I am finding it really hard to acclimate to the school. Most of my attempts to make friends have been futile (which is really unusual for me. During undergrad and my MA program, I had a wonderful social network...always had something to do during the weekends or evenings...and now I don't). I'm very rarely invited to things. At first i thought everybody was busy with their heads in their books, but then I hear stories of weekend parties, get togethers, etc etc. 

I do hang out with some folks, but it's usually to do work/write etc. I have tried starting conversations with people and asking them out for drinks or coffee, but they rarely follow up, or I can sense their disinterest. Some of the people I was hanging out with can only talk about their coursework...they have no other way to converse. IDK. Do you guys have any advice on socializing and acclimating to a new place? I'm starting to feel as if the constant component of each failed social equation is me...which makes me feel like i am doing something wrong...and that feeling is making small talk and conversations  harder and harder (which was never a problem before).  I am not able to connect with people here, so I haven't formed any real friendships, the types where you can call someone to go on a trip, or say "hey let's grab a cup of coffee." I was sick this past week and was scared, horrified, and then deeply saddened to realize that if i got really, really sick, nobody would come looking for me because no one really knows me here. Don't get me wrong, people are really nice. I'm just not able to from friendships, and I don't know why. 

I am one of five or so racial/ethnic minority women in my entire program at a top 20 program in my field...the environment, lack of diversity, lack of support is starting to eat away at me. I have signed up for counseling  because I want an expert to help me figure out if the issue is *me* rather than this place. 

I would love some advice from people who get it. How can I create a social support  network for myself on campus? I have tried joining clubs, orgz..., going to meeting, attending lectures, but nothing is forming from that.  my program is not a STEM field w/ labs or a field with field work, so I don't have access to any social network that may form from that.

My family is wonderful, but they don't really understand what grad life is like, and I am the first in my family to reach this point, so I can't really turn to those closest to me for advice. 

 

Edited March 27, 2018 by ThrowAwayAcct18

[jvvne]

hi! 

I moved across the country to attend the MFA I'm currently in, I knew absolutely nobody in the town where I moved, and I could tell pretty much right away that I didn't like it/didn't fit in once I got here, and then also knew that it would be a long three years. I had zero familiarity with the geographic region, its social/cultural norms, and most people in my program are from around here and do get it. 

My first question/piece of advice is: what is the area like where you go to school? if it is a semi-urban/urban/suburban area (like my program), I highly suggest finding an activity or hobby that you really and genuinely do enjoy doing on your own! I live near a lot of nature preserves, historical sites, and yoga studios, and I found all three to be really helpful just to do things totally by myself that didn't feel like a drag or like I was just doing them for the sake of it. Even after I did make a few friends, these initial activities felt like a safety net if my plans were cancelled, if nobody was around, or if I was just having a crummy mental health day. 

Related to my first point, I ultimately just found that I was probably never going to connect with the people in my program. Once I owned up to this (semi-) fact, it became easier for me to just make friends outside my academic circle. I picked up a job at the local co-op, just a few hours a week, but ended up meeting a few like-minded folks who, although they might not ever become my very best friends, at least gave me some form of regular social contact. I think you could replicate this same contact by joining an organization that has ZERO contact with your program. this also gives you a safe way to vent/rant about the program, if you need to! Coming to terms with this, that I wouldn't probably ever connect with my program people, was really difficult. It took a lot of journaling, therapist-seeing, calling my parents/friends back home--but it ultimately saved me the pain of trying over and over to connect with people who were not interested in being a friend! 

My last suggestion/something that helped me immensely: if you're a cat/dog/pet person, the two cats i adopted during my program were probably the single biggest help to my mental health. They gave me something to look forward to, a routine to sink into, a reason to save money, a reason to be out of bed early and thinking about something other than my own depression. Once i had some pets, sitting out the couch "alone" wasn't quite so alone, and they brought me so much joy pretty much all of the time! 

Edited March 30, 2018 by jvvne

[dr. t]

Your cohort is not your only source of friends. Join a club, pick up a sport that's not on campus, go out. 

Edited March 30, 2018 by telkanuru

[rising_star]

My advice is the same as the above. Pursue your interests and find people outside your program or campus who share your interests. I still have friends from grad school who I met through a hobby (training a martial art) who I talk to more frequently than some of my friends from within my program. If you're on Facebook, that can be a good way to find events in your area that you might not otherwise hear about. Go to those events and try to meet people. 

As someone who likes craft beer, I've made a bunch of friends by simply hanging out in breweries or craft beer pubs by myself on various nights. I sit at the bar and generally someone will talk to you. I actually joined a social group that way, because something I said to the bartender led a person to talk to me and then invite me to join a social group they organize. It's all about actually getting out there and doing things which will enable you to meet people.

[ThrowAwayAcct18]

On 3/30/2018 at 12:10 PM, telkanuru said:

Your cohort is not your only source of friends. Join a club, pick up a sport that's not on campus, go out. 

I am in a rural area with about 5 universities within close proximity to one-another. Everything here is campus based/student based (which you would think would make things easier haha). My comment actually wasn't in reference to my cohort (who are nice people), but to the vast majority of my interactions in the clubs/orgz I've tried to be a part of ( a total of 2, if I'm being honest). 

Would you advise that I just go to places and sit there? I've done that at places where I can do work (public libraries, local cafes). I do have people come up to me to talk (honestly, mostly men), but my *normal* interactions with the townsfolk (not including the men who are just hitting on folks) have been good but haven't lead to anything...

On 3/30/2018 at 10:03 AM, jvvne said:

My first question/piece of advice is: what is the area like where you go to school? if it is a semi-urban/urban/suburban area (like my program), I highly suggest finding an activity or hobby that you really and genuinely do enjoy doing on your own! I live near a lot of nature preserves, historical sites, and yoga studios, and I found all three to be really helpful just to do things totally by myself that didn't feel like a drag or like I was just doing them for the sake of it. Even after I did make a few friends, these initial activities felt like a safety net if my plans were cancelled, if nobody was around, or if I was just having a crummy mental health day. 

Related to my first point, I ultimately just found that I was probably never going to connect with the people in my program. Once I owned up to this (semi-) fact, it became easier for me to just make friends outside my academic circle. I picked up a job at the local co-op, just a few hours a week, but ended up meeting a few like-minded folks who, although they might not ever become my very best friends, at least gave me some form of regular social contact.

My last suggestion/something that helped me immensely: if you're a cat/dog/pet person, the two cats i adopted during my program were probably the single biggest help to my mental health. 

Rural. Flat. Farmland. haha. That's basically it. Also, I am contemplating moving out of my current no-pets allowed apartment so that I can get a cat. I think this would really help me. Thanks for helping

On 3/30/2018 at 1:11 PM, rising_star said:

 If you're on Facebook, that can be a good way to find events in your area that you might not otherwise hear about. Go to those events and try to meet people. 

As someone who likes craft beer, I've made a bunch of friends by simply hanging out in breweries or craft beer pubs by myself on various nights. I sit at the bar and generally someone will talk to you. I actually joined a social group that way, because something I said to the bartender led a person to talk to me and then invite me to join a social group they organize. It's all about actually getting out there and doing things which will enable you to meet people.

Drinking doesn't go well for me haha, so I avoid it, which causes me to miss many awesome get-togethers with some great people. I feel very odd about just showing up to an event without other people. I'll try to push myself out of my comfort zone and just do it.

Thanks for the advice. I think it just comes down to me doing what I would normally do with friends, but with myself in the hopes that I'll make some friends along the way. 

[ThrowAwayAcct18]

I met with some friends recently and was able to talk normally with them...so at least now I know that I haven't forgotten how to laugh and socialize haha. 

[MarineBluePsy]

I also echo the suggestion of taking your social life off campus.  I'm also an ethnic minority in a department and town that lack diversity.  Campus life isn't my thing so I do things off campus all the time.  Meetup, going to the gym, scouring local event sites and papers, and volunteering have all been helpful.  I don't have a tight crew, but there are people who notice if they haven't heard from me in awhile, will reach out if there's a blizzard, and are up for the occasional outing.  If you want to go on a trip, then go.  I have done more solo travel since starting my program than I ever did before and I've learned I really enjoy it.  I wind up going wherever I want, staying within my budget, and doing whatever interests me on whatever timetable I desire.

[Aromando]

I would also advise not being afraid to approach others and asking them to hang out. There a lot of shy people out there who may be looking for the exact same thing you are. 

[ThrowAwayAcct18]

On 3/31/2018 at 7:25 PM, MarineBluePsy said:

I also echo the suggestion of taking your social life off campus.  I'm also an ethnic minority in a department and town that lack diversity.  Campus life isn't my thing so I do things off campus all the time.  Meetup, going to the gym, scouring local event sites and papers, and volunteering have all been helpful.  I don't have a tight crew, but there are people who notice if they haven't heard from me in awhile, will reach out if there's a blizzard, and are up for the occasional outing.  If you want to go on a trip, then go.  I have done more solo travel since starting my program than I ever did before and I've learned I really enjoy it.  I wind up going wherever I want, staying within my budget, and doing whatever interests me on whatever timetable I desire.

Yes- I'm planning on doing some solo travel during the summer. I think it just comes down to doing the social things I want and hoping to meet people along the way

On 3/31/2018 at 11:45 PM, Aromando said:

I would also advise not being afraid to approach others and asking them to hang out. There a lot of shy people out there who may be looking for the exact same thing you are. 

I have a few people in mind that I'll reach out to. 

 

I'm feeling better about this. thanks.

[rising_star]

On 3/31/2018 at 3:46 PM, ThrowAwayAcct18 said:

Drinking doesn't go well for me haha, so I avoid it, which causes me to miss many awesome get-togethers with some great people. I feel very odd about just showing up to an event without other people. I'll try to push myself out of my comfort zone and just do it.

Thanks for the advice. I think it just comes down to me doing what I would normally do with friends, but with myself in the hopes that I'll make some friends along the way. 

Just because you're at a bar doesn't mean you have to drink. Similarly, just because something is happening at a bar, doesn't mean you should skip it.* A couple of my close friends in grad school are non-drinkers. They would come to departmental happy hours and other events in bars but drink club soda, Shirley Temples, juice, or soda. 

FWIW, in my experience, you go through this same struggle to find friends every time you move, whether you're in graduate school or not. So developing ways to deal with it now will serve you well throughout the rest of your life.

*Caveat: If you have a history of alcohol abuse, consult with a professional before putting yourself into that environment.

[E-P]

I know your feels here.  We're moving from Chicago to central Indiana.  SO MUCH CORN.  So much.  Really, too much.  And when they run out of corn....soybeans!

But I digress.

I haven't moved yet, but I realize full well that I'm going into an environment where I don't have a social support system, and I think it's important to have a support system that doesn't depend on my department.  So here's what I plan on doing:

1. I've made a list of the things I'm interested in, AND things I'm willing to do during graduate school.  For example, I love gardening, and I'm queer.  However, I'm in a heteronormative relationship, so it would be weird to get involved with the queer community...so gardening it is!

2. I'm looking at various community groups that meet that need.  I may have to DIY it (there are gardening groups for people who like pretty flowers, but none that I can find for urban food gardening).

3. I'm willing to take personal edification classes.  Like, maybe I take a gardening class, or a ceramics class, something like that.  Something that meshes with the PhD schedule but doesn't require homework.

4. Setting boundaries.  I've worked at startups, and I know that companies will work you 80 hours a week if you let them.  But if you have a reason to go home (like feeding the cat, or walking the dog), you have an excuse that people understand.  So yeah, I totally support you getting a pet, although it's not a panacea for social isolation.