Campus Visits - Bringing a spouse?

[rollercoaster]

When visiting a school you've been accepted to (with full funding, etc), is it acceptable to bring a spouse with you? Obviously, I do not mean when sitting in on classes, meetings, dinners, or anything. Just making the trip so s/he can get a feel for the city/town, region, etc. The school is paying for the hotel, though, so even though s/he won't be with me at all when I'm with the faculty/students, I want to be sure that it's not terribly rude. It seems important since s/he will be making a big commitment, too, in whatever decision is made.

Edited March 5, 2010 by rollercoaster

[Tiffany Bell]

My fiance just went to a university visit where they paid for everything. Please note that even though they are paying for your hotel, you might have a roommate. We knew he was going to be sharing his room so we decided that if I went, he would at least offer/tell them that he was going to pay for his own since his fiance would be coming. I don't think it's appropriate for your fiance to come if you are going to be sharing but if you have your own room, that should be fine.

As for the classes and dinners and whatnot, obviously your fiance wouldn't attend. They had breakfast, lunch and dinner with my fiance so I would have had to keep myself occupied from 7 am to about 8pm each day. I decided not to go because I thought it would distract him and I didn't want to impose. Hope that helps a little.

[LadyL]

I had two very different reactions when I asked about bringing my partner to interview/recruitment weekends. One program was great and booked a hotel room for both of us, invited him to all the social/more informal department events that weekend, etc. Another program reacted badly to my inquiry, saying it was "inappropriate" and a grad student even emailed me "off the record" to tell me that some faculty had objected to my request in ways this student found offensive. Needless to say after that second experience I haven't broached the issue with other schools. From the feedback I've gotten it seems I experienced two extremes of potential reactions, and that it's more common to get a reaction somewhere in the middle. I would say it's up to you as I hope my experience with the second school isn't common.

[eastcoastdude123]

If you're significant other is willing to drop everything and move to wherever you're going to school then I think it would be be kind of cold not to bring them along for the trip. Obviously you wouldn't bring them to official program functions like interviews and the like, but it doesn't mean that they can't come on the trip to get a feel for the region; you know, like looking at potential apartments and finding out where the hangouts are. Granted, I'm not married, let alone engaged, but if I were I'd definitely bring them along.

LadyL,

That second reaction you got from that program just seems terribly cold blooded. I hope everything worked out for the best with that.

Best of luck!

[prolixity]

I had two very different reactions when I asked about bringing my partner to interview/recruitment weekends. One program was great and booked a hotel room for both of us, invited him to all the social/more informal department events that weekend, etc. Another program reacted badly to my inquiry, saying it was "inappropriate" and a grad student even emailed me "off the record" to tell me that some faculty had objected to my request in ways this student found offensive. Needless to say after that second experience I haven't broached the issue with other schools. From the feedback I've gotten it seems I experienced two extremes of potential reactions, and that it's more common to get a reaction somewhere in the middle. I would say it's up to you as I hope my experience with the second school isn't common.

Uhm, what wording did you use to elicit this hostile response?

A university I'm visiting next week booked my wife's flight for me through their travel division and arranged for us to have our own room.. no hostility whatsoever.

[ScreamingHairyArmadillo]

My boyfriend is coming with me next week to a conference/campus visit. The department said they might be able to pay for a room, I said he would be with me so no hard feelings if they decide against it, and they said whatever, we'll pay (in so many words). I think it's different if the visit is a required part of the application process; if it's an interview/recruitment weekend they may have you roomed with other people. Otherwise, my visit is more impromptu, and they don't seem to care if there's another person staying in one room if it doesn't change the price.

Otherwise, my SO will need to find something to do to occupy his time, but I'll look forward to coming back to him after a full day of meeting faculty and presenting my research.

[BonAppetit]

I was wondering about this, too. I'm planning to attend a "welcome weekend" for admitted students later this month and my husband wants to come along and see what the town is like. He won't be moving there with me, but he'll be coming on weekends, etc. Anyhow, I was pleased to see on the online form that the school asks if you are bringing any family members and says they will have breakfast, lunch and dinner for them throughout the weekend, if you register them. I thought that was very family-friendly and it impressed me. Of course, my husband won't be interested in attending many of the other presentations, but he might want to come to the welcome address or something like that...

[BongRips69]

I would guess that LadyL's unfortunate encounter was the exception. I'm not sure on what planet I would image such a response, it's terrible.

If the faculty/staff at the school has even an ounce of decorum, they will understand that you are not making your decision in a vacuum. I don't think it usually costs any more to have a second person in a hotel, so that shouldn't be a factor. I would ask in the context of, "do you have any activities which he/she may attend?" and only discuss financials if they bring it up.

[LadyL]

Uhm, what wording did you use to elicit this hostile response?

A university I'm visiting next week booked my wife's flight for me through their travel division and arranged for us to have our own room.. no hostility whatsoever.

The funny thing is that out of laziness/because it got a good reaction I just copied and pasted my exact wording from the email I sent the other school (the one that was accommodating). But that really underscored for me that it was probably not what I said or how I said it.

Also, on that interview, one person ended up having their spouse stay in their room but didn't tell the program. I don't think any fuss was made. Honestly I was kind of pissed and wanted to say something, but didn't want to A. seem like I was tattling on her and B. bring up a negative reaction that was at that point a month in the past.

I am contemplating whether I should ever send the program a follow up note on the issue. As of right this minute I don't think I'm going there even if I get in so I don't think I have anything to lose. But it's also a small world in academia and I don't want any more drama.