Raising children in school

[BassAZ]

I've noticed one other thread about women having children in grad school, but I'm curious about the men taking on grad school while their wives have children: while being very sexist about this assumption, I've known a great many men feel their role is provider. How do you make it work if your supporting your family only with a PhD. stipend?

I'm going into the first year of a science PhD., so thankfully I'm given tuition waivers as well as a decently large stipend: our problem is that my wife and I are living in Boston where even the most generous stipend is difficult to live on. We already live frugal lives (we'll eat out once a month, allow $15 allowance per month, if we're spending money on clothes it's at thrift shops, huge chunks of money paying off student loans, etc.) but throwing a child into the mix and allowing my wife to stay home to raise the kids seems like it would kill us financially. Anyone out there making it work - and if so, are you guys taking any unusual steps to stretch your money? Thanks!

[acup313]

My wife and I are moving with our daughter (currently 3 months old) to a different state for school, but the moving costs won't be too bad. We will most likely be only living off of my stipend. It is quite a generous stipend so that makes things easier. My wife will probably stay home most of the day, but she plans on going back to school in the spring or fall of next year. We are hoping by then that our income will have decreased enough that she will get grants and possibly loans with subsidized interest at the point. Also, it will help that by then we will be residents so we will be paying the much lower in state tuition. We plan on taking advantage of the on campus day care facilities while we are both in classes. We are also selling our house and it looks like we will get quite a bit of money from that which will help pay the rent for a while. So, we don't really have any unusual steps planned to save money (we are both very frugal to begin with), but I am sure we will come up with more when the time comes.

[pea-jay]

I'm getting a professional degree sans stipend, so my wife will have to work. Our kids are both in school though and I supported her when she finished her UG. Plus its only 2 years, so it wont be too bad.

[rising_star]

I'm not a parent but I thought I'd chime in on what I know people in my program are doing. At least one male PhD student is the primary caregiver for their son, with his wife working ~30 hours/week. This means that she's the primary breadwinner. Another female PhD student has a husband that works part-time and they share childcare responsibilities. Yes, this means that you (the male) may not be the primary breadwinner but, given the flexibility of many graduate schedules, it may be possible to work out an arrangement where you and your partner share childcare and each work part-time (you on a 20hr/wk assistantship, your partner working the equivalent or slightly more hours per week).

[zilch]

my dad went through grad school for part of my formative years. I have to say, from the child's perspective it kinda sucked. I could never explain to my friends what my parents did (partially because I didn't really understand it either) and was generally embarrassed whenever the topic came up. I constantly saw my parents going over the budget and pinching pennies so I always felt guilty whenever they got me anything -> I stopped celebrating my own birthday by the time I was 12 (saw it as a waste of money). Always felt a bit out of place during that time.

Do be sure to explain things to your children (if they're old enough), they notice far more than you'd think.

[rising_star]

@zilch, not necessarily. My mom started her PhD program right after I was born and I never really knew she was in grad school until around the time she was finishing (I was ~8 or 9 then). It probably helped that my dad had a professional full-time job and my mom had a fellowship so she wasn't gone all the time. As far as I was concerned, she dropped us off at school, picked us up and made snacks, went on school trips, etc. And, after my parents got divorced, there were some financial struggles but I associated those more with the divorce than with my mother being in graduate school (plus, my mom got a full-time job her final year of writing to support us).

Obviously, it varies from household to household.

[geochic]

I'm not in in a grad program yet (will be this fall) but I am a totally single parent of two small children and I am raising them on financial aid and a TA stipend (similar to a standard grad stipend minus any tuition break). Until the last year I worked three jobs while a full-time undergrad in a science program. I've completed research projects, a senior thesis and managed to maintain a high degree of academic success. My daycare bill is INSANE and exceeds the grand total of all my other bills! But if I can do it, it can be done by just about anyone, especially a two-parent family.

I will say this-cloth diapering and used everything has saved me a ton of money so frugal choices can make or break you when you're raising kids on a budget. Some will argue but I tend to think it is easier to finish school when the kids are young and more flexible in the face of transition like moves for internships/new programs, being cramped in tiny apartment, etc... so starting a family in school is probably easier than going back after your kids are teenagers.

Good luck with your decisions.

[BassAZ]

Just wanted to test the waters to see if there were things my wife and I hadn't thought of. We're planning on doing cloth diapers, making our own baby food, and sharing child-care roles (I am SO thankful for the flexibility on scheduling, especially in the sciences). I know my wife's earlier plans included her being a stay-at-home mom so I was curious if there were people out there trying to make it work on just a stipend with a family.

The consensus seems to be that people don't want to bring their kids up in a less-than-ideal situation financially and either the non-grad-student works as well or they wait until the grad program is complete. I'm not one to wait another 5-6 years to have a child so I'm thinking that we'll just reevaluate all our expenses and make it work one way or another.

There are obvious things we'll implement from our own frugal upbringings: vacations only to visit family, making all our own food, making sure to take public transportation or walking/biking whenever we can. As for whether it will suck for our kids, it's all a matter of perspective. One Christmas all my wife's family could give her was basically a pair of socks (they wrapped each one up individually so she'd have 2 gifts to open). She loves thinking about that and how much her family loves her and vice versa - a loving home is the only thing I am sure I'll be able to provide, but it'll be enough.

[Postbib Yeshuist]

We plan on taking advantage of the on campus day care facilities while we are both in classes.

From what I understand, on-campus daycares often have a waiting list, so signing up early can be critical. I imagine you've already researched your situation, so I'm throwing this out for other visitors to the thread as much as anyone.

[geochic]

From what I understand, on-campus daycares often have a waiting list, so signing up early can be critical. I imagine you've already researched your situation, so I'm throwing this out for other visitors to the thread as much as anyone.

Another thing to consider is that sometimes the facilities on campus are more expensive than off-campus facilities- Be sure and research all your options. My current program doesn't offer childcare on campus but I've been investigating the options at the schools to which I've applied for grad studies and the cost is substantially greater on campus($50+ per week per child more than off campus facilities w/ comparable curriculum and child:teacher ratios). So the on-site daycare may not be the best financially. Obviously the convenience should be taken into consideration to and accessibility in emergencies so a lot of thought should go into the decision (and for most of us it does anyway ).

Edited March 12, 2010 by geochic