Another regret story - Physics PhD

[Stealth95]

Hello everyone,

 

I am a student with an MSc in Physics who is supposed to start a PhD next month. The reason I am writing is the bad psychological situation I ended up after a hard choice between grad programs. I will try to go straight to the point omitting details on how frustrating the whole application period was. After many rejections last year and the year before, I was in the initially pleasant position to receive four offers. After long thought I reduced them to two, which ended up turning the whole thing into a nightmare.

 

Place A: The school that I did my MSc. I would continue in similar topics with a different and very young supervisor in the same research group as my MSc (it's a bit more complicated than that but anyway...). I left and now I regret it.

 

Place B: The place that I accepted to do my PhD even though I haven't visited it yet. Not sure about the exact topic, but it is supposed to be similar to A. It is slightly more well known as a name and the supervisor is widely considered as one of the top researchers in his field.

 

None of the schools are top-10 super prestigious but the Prof. in B can be regarded at this level, if not better.

 

I admit I made mistakes in the decision process but that's not important since I cannot turn back time. I was never 100% confident with my choice and when I rejected A it felt bad. But I had the same buyer's remorse feeling when I rejected the rest of the schools too, so I thought it is going to pass in a week or so. Here I am, four months later, feeling MUCH worse! I lost all motivation to work, let my father make all the arrangements for B (accommodation etc.), and did not even help him, I am constantly procrastinating everything related and even started having bad habits, like wasting time in computer games, unhealthy eating and sleeping every day after 4am. Starting a PhD this way is probably not going to have the best outcome.

 

To be fair, the whole thing is indeed partly in my mind, but there are also some facts that changed recently and made A look better now. It has to do with location - I had personal reasons to prefer B's location which do not exist anymore (no, not girlfriend). Moreover, I would definitely prefer A's location for a job (after graduation), hence staying in A for PhD could help career-wise.

 

I should also note that even though the offer from A is not officially on table anymore, I had good relations with them, so I might be able to get one for next year, if that's what I finally want and I don't screw it up. So one might think the discussion is pointless now, but I feel it is not yet.

 

The way I see it, now there are a few options now:

 

YOLO approach:

Drop out from B prior starting and try to get an offer from A for next year (or as early as possible). This is going to piss off B but it is still better than starting, wasting their time and funding and not giving my 100% self because of my problems. It is also possible that A might stop being interested anymore, but I will get in touch with them and explain the situation before letting the other option. I also get an unexplainable gap year in my CV which might hurt in future job search.

 

HONEST approach:

Be honest with everyone. Tell A that I want to go to them but I am commited to B and discuss with B why I don't feel very excited starting there. This can have a bunch of different outcomes, from managing to go back to A with everyone happy, staying to B with everyone happy or even losing both options. In any case, it is probably morally correct to follow this route but also tough. Telling to my new supervisor "I chose you but I feel that I don't want to be here" is not the optimal way to start a relation.

 

EVIL approach:

Start normally at A and pretend everything is ok. Since I have never been to the place there is a possibility that I'll like it and get better with time. This sounds very unlikely now but things might change with time. On the other hand, things can get worse and depending on how bad, it might be possible to continue half hearted (hardly to do a PhD this way) or eventually drop out. In this case nobody knows whether it will be possible to get readmitted to A or anywhere else as dropping out of a program definitely raises questions.

 

Anyway, if you read everything and reached this line, thank you very much. Honestly, I don't expect the forum to solve my problem as I probably need professional assistance, but writing things down helps in any case. Since, I spent the time to do it, I thought it would be great to share, for people who have been in similar position, others that are just interested in such stories or even someone who might have a piece of advice, which is of course very welcome.

 

Best

-S

Edited August 10, 2018 by Stealth95

[BabyScientist]

It sounds like you've been over thinking everything for months. You chose a certain school for reasons. No matter which school you chose, you could end up with the same level of career success and at the same place. It's all what you make of it. If you go to B feeling like you hate the place, you'll have a bad time. It doesn't sound like B gave you any reasons to hate it, you just started wishing you chose A? Get over it. You likely chose a great program and will achieve whatever you set your mind to once you're there.

Be positive. 

[iwearflowers]

While it's possible this is just nerves and overthinking, you should consider seeing a therapist or your PCP. Some of the behaviors you describe (not caring about getting ready for your program, engaging with escapist media, changes in sleeping and eating patterns) can also be signs of depression and anxiety. If you're in your early- to mid-twenties, you're still in the peak period for emergence of mental health issues. There is also a diagnosis called "stress response syndrome" that's a shorter-term response to a specific stressor.

I developed a pretty severe anxiety disorder near the end of my undergraduate years, and it went untreated for a long time because I (with my parents' encouragement) thought it was just "bad habits" I had developed. Maybe you just need to reframe - recognize that you're likely to have equally good results at either school and that PhD job searches are typically national rather than regional - or maybe you need some extra help.

[greenpoint001]

Stealth95, this sounds like a complicated situation. While you are by no means expected to disclose personal information on the internet, I feel that having more details would make it more clear about the wisest way you should proceed. I advise that you talk to a parent, friend, relative, therapist, or anyone you trust with more transparency and see what they say.

From my point of view, honestly, I think you are blaming a program when the lack of motivation is stemming from inside you. For whatever reason, you are in a negative headspace regarding your decision. It seems as if you are playing comparison games of What Ifs and The Grass is Greener On the Other Side...  

If you want to feel at peace, I don't think burning bridges with school B is the answer. To be frank, I think even if you chose School A over B, you would still be in this situation of regret and find yourself feeling similarly. Think back to why you even decided on School B. One positive of school B is the good reputation of the professor you intend to work with - this is an important factor in phD studies, so this was a smart move. Think through all of them. 

In responding to your three options... I notice that you realize that there are negative consequences to each one - don't take this realization lightly. I know its tough to deal with a decision you made and now regret. But you are an adult and this happens to the best of us; we need to learn how to be accountable for our actions (and decisions). I think the best option is to go with the 'Evil' option but with a different mentality: fake it 'til you make it. See the best in the situation and do your best anyway. And try to make it. If you must drop out, then take that decision seriously because you will be held accountable for that too. So do it honorably. And lastly, do it with some sort of direction. Have the intention to do better the next time around, whatever it is you decide that direction may be. 

[juilletmercredi]

I agree that your rumination over the last couple of months points to a potential mental health issue. It's possible that not the specific decision you made - but, rather, the transition to graduate school - is what's driving your depressive symptoms and unhealthy behaviors. Or whatever the reason is that your location near B changed - that could also be contributing here. To understand that, consider the whole picture - and I agree that you should talk to a doctor or mental health professional.

With that said:

The YOLO approach is not a bad one, if you are pretty confident that you will be very unhappy at Program B. You are right that not starting there is probably better than starting knowing that the program isn't a good fit - not only for the program, but for you. However, I think the best you could hope for, should you choose this option, is applying again for A this fall to begin in Fall 2019. Usually, when you decline a program, they move down their list of candidates to fill your slot. At this point in the year, they may not have funding or a slot for you. I suppose it couldn't hurt to ask, but I think you should expect to be told to reapply for Fall 2019. (As for jobs, though - if you are pursuing academic jobs, nobody is going to care about an extra gap year before the PhD.)

I don't advocate for the Honest approach. This is basically the YOLO approach, but with the addition of telling Program B that you're meh about the program. What would that gain you? At B, you run the risk of alienating the entire department before you even begin. Total and complete honesty isn't a moral imperative. It's OK to hold back information that won't help anyone.

 

The third approach is not evil by any stretch. It's pragmatic, and it is actually what I think you should do. It is totally fine to begin a program having some trepidation about it - a lot of people get nervous jitters in the summer before graduate school. I mean, if you knew 100% it was not the right program for you - you shouldn't start it. But this sounds more like uncertainty than a solid knowledge. So it's not bad to to begin it, try it, and see if it could work for you.

 

Dropping out of a PhD program isn't a bad thing IF you can make it clear that you left because the program wasn't a good fit for you. Usually, you can do that by writing a great statement of purpose and having your former advisor or another professor at your former PhD program write you a recommendation, vouching for you.