Transferring for a relationship

[scilai]

Hi guys, was wondering what your opinions are on transferring to save a longterm relationship? How do you navigate that with your advisor without burning bridges? 

[ResilientDreams]

13 minutes ago, scilai said:

Hi guys, was wondering what your opinions are on transferring to save a longterm relationship? How do you navigate that with your advisor without burning bridges? 

Hmm. Are you asking for advice about whether you should do it or how to do it?

[scilai]

Yes both!

[ResilientDreams]

Okay! I just wanted to know so that I can tailor my advice. I don't have experience transferring programs, so the best I can offer are some questions to ask yourself so you can determine whether you are making the best decision (you obviously don't have to tell me the answers).

--What makes you think that transferring will save your relationship? Are you prepared for the possibility of going through the whole process of transferring (disrupting your grad career, moving, etc.), and realizing your relationship still can't be salvaged? You need to consider that as a very real possibility.

--Is this something that you truly want? If you leave this program, are you going to regret it? Is this program something that you want to stay in but that your significant other is pressuring you to leave? (if so--I would implore you to stay. You should never chase someone who is not supportive of your goals.)

--An extension/restatement of the above--if they are asking you to leave (which I guess maybe it's clear that they are)--what are their reasons? If you make this huge compromise for them, will they be willing to meet you halfway and still support you in and respect your academic ambitions?

--Have you talked to them about how you're thinking about transferring? What was their reaction?

--Conversely, if you stay in this program, will you become embittered that it "ruined" your relationship and become unable to put your best self forward for the rest of your time there?

This is a cost/benefit analysis that I can't perform for you, but I hope my post was somewhat helpful. Best of luck.

[BeakerBreaker]

Every relationship is different. Without knowing why you feel your relationship needs to be saved, my general advice is: if this relationship was "the one," it wouldn't need you to transfer to save it.

I've skipped job offers and delayed my career for a year to try and maintain a relationship. It fell through. It wasn't the end of the world, but I believe these kinds of sacrifices are generally a bad idea, regardless of the outcome.