Grade each others GRE Writing please!

[Post.Meghan]

I attached my unedited paper, but I'll paste it here in case you're worried to open it. I'm struggling to write a cogent paper under 30 minutes since I'm a slow writer. However, I'll critique your paper as well if you critique mine! Thank you

 

 

 

Edited December 12, 2018 by Post.Meghan
I posted the same picture

[Weng2017]

Hi Meghan. 

I totally resonate with you. I will critique yours, please do the same for me.  I need help just like you.  

Thanks!

 

The following appeared in a letter from the owner of the Sunnyside Towers apartment building to its manager.

"One month ago, all the showerheads on the first five floors of Sunnyside Towers were modified to restrict the water flow to approximately one-third of its original flow. Although actual readings of water usage before and after the adjustment are not yet available, the change will obviously result in a considerable savings for Sunnyside Corporation, since the corporation must pay for water each month. Except for a few complaints about low water pressure, no problems with showers have been reported since the adjustment. Clearly, restricting water flow throughout all the twenty floors of Sunnyside Towers will increase our profits further."

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.

 

The argument is flawed for several reasons. First of all, the Sunnyside Corporation did not take into consideration that there are other factors that affect decrease in water consumption.  In the statement above, they only considered the water used for showering disregarding the fact that tenants also soak in their bath tubs. There is also the frequency of flushing the toilets which require gallons of water per flush, to which water pressure is an insignificant factor in the amount of water that passes through the system. 

Another aspect they failed to look at is the property maintenance, which includes the lawn and garden. The equipment and method of cleaning the building is a variable in the total water consumption. Not to mention the upkeep of the garden within the property. Then there is also the integrity of the water system. Are there no water leaks around the building which account for more water wasted? 

The statement mentioned that there are only few complaints received so far regarding low water pressure. This does not account the tenants who are passive aggressive about the situation, who may eventually leave the building for a better water condition. Also, they have only tried this modified shower heads in the first 5 floors of the building which accounts for roughly 25% of the tenants. This does not appear to be a good sampling particularly because high pressure is required to deliver the water to the higher floors. Therefore, the response of the tenants in the lower floors will not necessarily be the same response of those in the higher areas. 

Because the argument makes several unwarranted assumptions, it fails to make a convincing case that modifiying the showerheads to decrease the water pressure will result in lower water bill and increased savings of the corporation. 

[Weng2017]

As promised, I have read your piece and here is my two cents. Please take it with a grain of salt because I am no expert. 

•  try a simpler more direct thesis statement
•  the body of your essay seems to be well developed.
• the first statement of your conclusion seems out of place or not necessary.