AWA Issue Task review please!!

[SpaceCowboy113]

Hello everyone, im planning on taking the GRE this year and would be very thankful if anyone could review my issue task essay. Thank you so much in advance.

 

To understand the most important characteristics of a society, one must study its major cities.

 

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

 

 

Characteristics of a society: Culture, Religion, Political.

Opinion: True but not totally.

Reasons: Culture in the rural area of the country.

 

Although it is true that many of a society’s characteristics can be evidenced by studying its major cities, leaving out minor cities or towns might produce a biased result originating a misconception. Some of the most important characteristics of a society are culture, religion and politics. And all three may vary greatly depending on the location of study.

A society’s culture can be almost fully understood by studying the major cities since its were people from many parts of the country come together. The only problem is that when so many traditions get mixed, the original essence of culture is lost. People are so lost in a sea of traditions that no one holds a unique identity anymore. This can be evidenced in Colombia, Cali is one of its major cities and serves as home for people from all over the country and abroad. Some may argue that Cali displays the whole cultural spectrum of the country, but the truth is that Salsa is not the most important component of Colombian culture. One would have to travel to Salento or Manizales which are both small towns in order to pickup coffee from the fields or listen to traditional stories since Cali offers neither.

Moreover, religion has been shifting greatly in the last few years. Globalization and access to information has made people more critic. This along with news that damage the catholic church reputation has created a wave of skepticism in major cities where studied people live. This is not the case for small towns and minor cities were the church influence might be far too great and people may not be as informed as in major cities. For instance, the religious point of view might be very different in Cali when compared to Buga which is a small town greatly known for its church which is said to hold a religious treasure from times past.

Contrary to the statement, the political view of a country is not determined by the political view of the major cities. In Colombia people from the cities wished for a more socialist government which would concentrate its efforts on education and keeping the newly acquired peace. On the other hand, people from the countryside wished for a far right government which would attack rebel groups that constantly produce violence.

Therefore, although major cities do hold a large number of people which can provide an idea of a society’s most important characteristics. It is unwise to leave towns and minor cities out of the picture, since it is thanks to the little details given by them that a society’s characteristics can be truly understood.

[PaoloC]

I'd say maybe a 3.5. Your position is not clear, and there doesn't seem to be a unifying thread throughout the essay. Your opening sentences in both the first and second paragraph seem to imply you mostly agree that major cities are a good indicator (which is also what you mentioned in your outline notes), but then the rest of the essay shifts towards "actually, major cities only give you part of the story and you really can't tell anything about a society without studying the smaller cities." 

The second paragraph goes onto a tangent, arguing the original essence of a culture is lost when traditions mix. I cannot see how that adds to the argument. 

The topic sentence of paragraph 3 makes me wonder where you're going with this:"religion has been shifting greatly in the last few years" does nothing to advance your argument. Sentences 2, 3 and 4 of that paragraph are generic statements and again I can't follow how they help your argument. Only towards the end of that paragraph do you get to your idea which basically is "the influence of religion on a society's values is much stronger in smaller towns"; the missing piece here would be "...and therefore using large cities as a proxy for society as a whole would be inaccurate, as it would fail to take into consideration nuances only visible in small towns."

Paragraph 4 could be strengthened by adding some more context. For example, define why you believe political views are part of "the most important characteristics in society" -- and, again, make a statement to link it back to the original prompt. 

Finally, your concluding paragraph again makes me wonder where you stand on the issue. In your opening you implied you were mostly in agreement with the essay prompt; here you conclude by saying that you cannot truly understand a society without considering the small cities. 

And a final note: you use a single example throughout (Colombia) - that's not necessarily bad, but if you're going to build your entire essay around a particular example you need to make a much better case as to why you think that example is sufficiently representative (and why you can use it to generalize and support the essay prompt). 

[SpaceCowboy113]

On 1/10/2019 at 11:20 AM, PaoloC said:

I'd say maybe a 3.5. Your position is not clear, and there doesn't seem to be a unifying thread throughout the essay. Your opening sentences in both the first and second paragraph seem to imply you mostly agree that major cities are a good indicator (which is also what you mentioned in your outline notes), but then the rest of the essay shifts towards "actually, major cities only give you part of the story and you really can't tell anything about a society without studying the smaller cities." 

The second paragraph goes onto a tangent, arguing the original essence of a culture is lost when traditions mix. I cannot see how that adds to the argument. 

The topic sentence of paragraph 3 makes me wonder where you're going with this:"religion has been shifting greatly in the last few years" does nothing to advance your argument. Sentences 2, 3 and 4 of that paragraph are generic statements and again I can't follow how they help your argument. Only towards the end of that paragraph do you get to your idea which basically is "the influence of religion on a society's values is much stronger in smaller towns"; the missing piece here would be "...and therefore using large cities as a proxy for society as a whole would be inaccurate, as it would fail to take into consideration nuances only visible in small towns."

Paragraph 4 could be strengthened by adding some more context. For example, define why you believe political views are part of "the most important characteristics in society" -- and, again, make a statement to link it back to the original prompt. 

Finally, your concluding paragraph again makes me wonder where you stand on the issue. In your opening you implied you were mostly in agreement with the essay prompt; here you conclude by saying that you cannot truly understand a society without considering the small cities. 

And a final note: you use a single example throughout (Colombia) - that's not necessarily bad, but if you're going to build your entire essay around a particular example you need to make a much better case as to why you think that example is sufficiently representative (and why you can use it to generalize and support the essay prompt). 

Thank you very much for your opinion. Ill definitely take it into account for my essay practice. Did you already take the gre?

[PaoloC]

16 hours ago, SpaceCowboy113 said:

Thank you very much for your opinion. Ill definitely take it into account for my essay practice. Did you already take the gre?

Pleasure! Yes, I took the GRE last year.