Girlfriend moving for grad school - Do i stay or go with her?

[maxwellhouse]

So a little about us: both in our mid 20s and have been dating for over 2 years. Ive held a number of good career jobs and have finally found one i am happy in (6 mo into the job). My girlfriend has always been planning to leave the SF bay area to go away for an internship year. Long story short she got placed in Tucson. Having researched the job market, it is less than ideal, plus i finally have a job that I actually ENJOY. In her mind, and probably my own, is that if i do not follow her to Tucson then we break up. I don't want to leave a job i love plus my aging (/sick) parents are still here in the bay area. 

I am really conflicted and this stems from alot of personal issues I struggle with in regards to making decisions, but I can't seem to find the answer whether i follow her there. 

I've always wanted to leave the bay someday and I do value our relationship. Long distance would be tough on the both of us so I do think its the best call to have a fresh start if i decide to stay back. 

Our relationship is deteriorating based on my lack of commitment one way or the other, but can't put it off any longer. We both love and care for eachother, but I am not sure if this is a sacrifice i want to make at this point in my life. 

Anyone else go through this dilemma with their bf/gf? did you make the right call in the end? 

[Nothingtown]

8 hours ago, maxwellhouse said:

So a little about us: both in our mid 20s and have been dating for over 2 years. Ive held a number of good career jobs and have finally found one i am happy in (6 mo into the job). My girlfriend has always been planning to leave the SF bay area to go away for an internship year. Long story short she got placed in Tucson. Having researched the job market, it is less than ideal, plus i finally have a job that I actually ENJOY. In her mind, and probably my own, is that if i do not follow her to Tucson then we break up. I don't want to leave a job i love plus my aging (/sick) parents are still here in the bay area. 

I am really conflicted and this stems from alot of personal issues I struggle with in regards to making decisions, but I can't seem to find the answer whether i follow her there. 

I've always wanted to leave the bay someday and I do value our relationship. Long distance would be tough on the both of us so I do think its the best call to have a fresh start if i decide to stay back. 

Our relationship is deteriorating based on my lack of commitment one way or the other, but can't put it off any longer. We both love and care for eachother, but I am not sure if this is a sacrifice i want to make at this point in my life. 

Anyone else go through this dilemma with their bf/gf? did you make the right call in the end? 

Hi there--I'm so sorry you're facing this dilemma. I hope some internet strangers can help you out a bit. 

My (now husband) then boyfriend and I went long distance when I got a Fulbright for a year--I was in Germany, he was in Texas. That's about as long distance as it gets. We found out 3 days after we started dating and went for it--by the time I left, we'd been together 3 months. It changed the whole course of our relationship, because from the very beginning we knew we were taking it very seriously--seriously enough to go through the pain of long distance. We made it through the ordeal stronger together in the end. And, we're never ever doing that again!

Here's my two cents: if you're thinking that long distance for a year would tear you apart, then other hardships closer to home might as well. If you two are strong enough to withstand the distance, and you both want to, then you'll be even stronger at the end of it. I'm not going to lie, long distance was the hardest thing I've ever done. If, on the other hand, you truly believe that her moving would cause a breakup, then (I think) other issues in the future might as well, and perhaps a breakup is the right move for you both. I can't think of any other Fulbrighters from my year who went long distance and stayed together, though some did move with their partners and that worked out maybe 50% of the time. That means you might leave your job that you love, and your aging parents, only to break up in Tucson because of other issues. Just something to consider. 

I also think it's important for you to make the right personal and career choices for yourself. If you love your job, and you want to be there for your parents, it's totally valid to stay in the Bay Area. I know this isn't an easy choice to make, but it may be the right one--both for you and your girlfriend. Another option is to try long distance for a while and see how it goes--you won't be giving anything up at home, and there's a chance you make it through.

I hope I've helped a little. Hang in there!

[PokePsych]

I'm doing long distance for a year now. Nearly did break us apart, but we found a way to be together again. It really depends on the type of people you are. I can't stand being apart and it's eating at me everyday. So for us it was realization how much we love each other and how much wed be together. So yeah one of us is sacrificing to be together.

[Teaching Faculty Wannabe]

On 4/16/2019 at 12:42 AM, maxwellhouse said:

So a little about us: both in our mid 20s and have been dating for over 2 years. Ive held a number of good career jobs and have finally found one i am happy in (6 mo into the job). My girlfriend has always been planning to leave the SF bay area to go away for an internship year. Long story short she got placed in Tucson. Having researched the job market, it is less than ideal, plus i finally have a job that I actually ENJOY. In her mind, and probably my own, is that if i do not follow her to Tucson then we break up. I don't want to leave a job i love plus my aging (/sick) parents are still here in the bay area. 

I am really conflicted and this stems from alot of personal issues I struggle with in regards to making decisions, but I can't seem to find the answer whether i follow her there. 

I've always wanted to leave the bay someday and I do value our relationship. Long distance would be tough on the both of us so I do think its the best call to have a fresh start if i decide to stay back. 

Our relationship is deteriorating based on my lack of commitment one way or the other, but can't put it off any longer. We both love and care for eachother, but I am not sure if this is a sacrifice i want to make at this point in my life. 

Anyone else go through this dilemma with their bf/gf? did you make the right call in the end? 

I would say that if you are not ready for that sort of commitment, then it might be best to break up. Sadly, sometimes love isn't enough. Love is complicated, complex, and can be hard. You really have to be committed to that fact and the person you love in order to make it work, long-distance or not.

[Daniel Nichols]

Just wanted to add my two cents. I agree with the others that long distance sucks, but I disagree with the notion that it always leads to separation.

My girlfriend and I started dating in high school and did 4 years apart in undergrad. We were about 8 hrs driving distance from each other, so we still visited on holidays and long weekends and we were very intentional about healthy levels of communication. It sucked and I would never want to do it again, but I'm actually kinda glad it happened. We both got to grow as individuals and discover ourselves outside of the other person. Now I think we're a stronger couple than before doing long distance.

I know that's not possible for every couple, but my point is that it depends on who you are. You need to be very confident and committed to making the relationship work, but in the end I think it will only make your relationship stronger (assuming it stays intact).

Hope that helped. Best wishes towards you!