stuff you have to deal with in grad school when you're physically attractive

[cyborg213]

Ok guys. I don't mean to be arrogant or self-indulgent with this, but I just want to share some off-putting experiences and feelings I've had to deal with due to something I never imagined would be an issue. 

I'm on my first year on a PhD program in a fairly small city, at a top-10 school. My program is rather small (6-7 people per cohort). I am a woman, and most people would say I'm attractive, pretty, desirable. Plus, I would fit into the category of an easily fetishizable, exotic foreign person with an accent. Although this is usually considered a privilege rather than a problem, it has been a problem in many occasions, and grad school doesn't seem to be the exception. I get a lot of attention from both men and women. I've had to deal with men in my cohort who have asked me out - more than once. When I go out for drinks with people in my program, I usually have to deal with one of them trying to make a move, and even kiss me, hug me, or invite me to their places. At the beginning this was fun and exciting, I have to admit, but it now feels overwhelming and confusing. On the one hand, it takes a lot of energy to set these boundaries constantly, with people who are at the same time my colleagues, which often creates an awkward situation I didn't even intend to provoke in the first place. On the other hand, it prevents me from building meaningful relationships because whenever I get too social, talkative, or close (especially with men), they misinterpret my intentions. So I've decided to be extra careful with what I do or say and to whom, which has progressively isolated me from social interactions. 

Am I being subject of sexual and gender micro-aggression? Is anybody experiencing or has experienced a similar situation? What would you do in my place? 

Edited October 27, 2019 by cyborg213

[Sigaba]

4 hours ago, cyborg213 said:

Am I being subject of sexual and gender micro-aggression? 

I am sorry that the dynamic is such that you're feeling increasingly isolated from your cohort.

As a rule of thumb,  trust your instincts. if you feel like you're on the receiving end of inappropriate behavior, people probably are behaving inappropriately towards you. If you're feeling harassed, you're being harassed.

Would it be possible for you to focus on your coursework for the balance of the term while you regroup and figure out how you want to educate members of your cohort on how they should treat you? Or do you want to write them off entirely for the present, if not permanently? 

 

 

[amyvt98]

I have some experience with this, albeit with a caveat. I'm an older student (I entered my program in my mid-40s after a career change) so I don't have the problem of getting hit on anymore. However, earlier in my career before I entered academia, I had this problem a lot. It sucked, and it did prevent me from forming close relationships with some people, especially men. I can't speak to how these types of things are handled in academia, but I can tell you what I did to cope since in my old profession, there weren't a lot of resources for this type of situation. First, I would limit my social time to a drink or two at happy hour before heading home. I found that the later things got, the more inappropriately people would act. Second, I would wait to get to know people pretty well in a workplace setting before letting my guard down and hanging out socially. I occasionally did become friends with some men at work, but only after getting to know them and their motivations. This didn't work 100% of the time - occasionally I would deem someone harmless and I'd be wrong. But it did work most of the time. 

If your experience is anything like mine, the longer you spend in the department, the more people will forget about surface appearance and start to see the person you are inside. Until then, I coped by watching a lot of Legally Blonde  

[cyborg213]

14 hours ago, Sigaba said:

I am sorry that the dynamic is such that you're feeling increasingly isolated from your cohort.

As a rule of thumb,  trust your instincts. if you feel like you're on the receiving end of inappropriate behavior, people probably are behaving inappropriately towards you. If you're feeling harassed, you're being harassed.

Would it be possible for you to focus on your coursework for the balance of the term while you regroup and figure out how you want to educate members of your cohort on how they should treat you? Or do you want to write them off entirely for the present, if not permanently? 

Thanks @Sigaba, this is wonderful advice. I will trust my instincts and take action accordingly. It's interesting how I've never thought of educating others on how they should treat me... although it does feel like extra labor, I guess it's necessary in order to protect myself. I will focus on coursework in the meanwhile,  take some distance from all the social turbulence, and gain perspective. I'm sure this will help a lot. 

[cyborg213]

2 hours ago, amyvt98 said:

Until then, I coped by watching a lot of Legally Blonde

Love the Legally Blonde advice!! I'm glad to hear about your experience and how it is actually an issue that can take a lot of energy, work, and extra caution. It is annoying, especially when you're arriving to a place and you want to make friends and feel supported, but I'm also sure it will become less of an issue as time goes by and I'm no longer the new girl in town. 

And yes, I should leave earlier, before things start getting awkward, though I still think this is truly unfair! 

[amyvt98]

On 10/28/2019 at 11:04 AM, cyborg213 said:

Love the Legally Blonde advice!! I'm glad to hear about your experience and how it is actually an issue that can take a lot of energy, work, and extra caution. It is annoying, especially when you're arriving to a place and you want to make friends and feel supported, but I'm also sure it will become less of an issue as time goes by and I'm no longer the new girl in town. 

And yes, I should leave earlier, before things start getting awkward, though I still think this is truly unfair! 

Yes, totally unfair. I hope there are better solutions out there, especially now that #metoo has started to change things. I just wanted to provide my experience so that you'll know that your'e not alone. I hope it all settles down for you!

[accidental_philologist]

Thank you for sharing your experience and starting this topic. I don't want to swerve the topic into just talking about me, but it reminds me of something I've been struggling a lot with lately -- I often find it hard to tell if male grad students are treating me nicely because they value my contribution, or are just tolerating me or trying to show off because I'm young and fairly good-looking. And then I hear them saying really quite misogynistic things about other women and it makes me think that it must be the latter, and then it just throws everything they've done, good and bad, into doubt, and I feel like I can't believe what they say to or about me or other women (or even scholarship done by women!). I'm trying to figure out how to brush it off and navigate interacting with them (as I theoretically may for the rest of our careers, which is ... not fun to think about) but it's honestly very alienating and depressing. I'm also in a similar position cause it's only my first semester in grad school. I don't have any advice for you cause I don't know how to deal with it myself....

[Blackbird7]

Hey guys, this is upsetting that this is happening in departments. What you guys are describing IS a hostile work environment filled with aggressive behavior. This behavior creates a feeling of “otherness” and isolation plus a feeling of being under attack and scrutiny. This is unfortunate. I come from the professional world where the work culture was VERY professional, so this is definitely something I need to be aware of as I enter the academic arena once more. Thanks guys for sharing your experiences. I think A LOT of women can relate.