Cancer

[suspechosa]

So suprisingly, everything worked out and I was accepted to my my top choice school and was getting ready to go, apt search, make the move, etc. But, my long term partners parent was just diagnosed with cancer and I don't know what to do.

What would you do?? I am so ready to start but I don't want to pack up and leave my partner to deal with this alone. I haven't checked to see if I can defer, would this even be an appropriate reason to defer??

Ugh. I'm panicking. I was supposed to apt search and buy in a few weeks but now I don't want to do that without being 100% that I can/ should go :-\

[mudlark]

I am so sorry for you and your partner. That sounds horrible. Dealing with sick parents is always hard. My husband and I were living away from our families one year when both of our mothers developed debilitating chronic conditions. It was so difficult to not be there and offer them support in person.

That being said, I'm not sure it's an appropriate reason to defer. If it was your partner, absolutely, but maybe not your partner's parent? If it was me, I would still go, but work my ass off to be as supportive as possible. Can you make plans for ways to support your partner long distance? Having some projects in mind to surprise him/her with might help you feel better about going to school. Bottom line is that there will always be crises, some worse than others, and we all have to do our best to soldier on. You'll find reserves of strength within yourself to make this work. I hope that things get better for your family soon.

[Squawker]

I certainly don't think it would be inappropriate to ask.

[oldlady]

So sorry for you and your SO.

Battling cancer can go on for a really long time; at least, often longer than expected. What happens if you defer for a year and the parent experiences no change by this time next year? It can also become all-consuming for family members and close friends -- this is your SO's journey. If the situation were reversed, would you want your SO to defer?

FWIW, you may want to save your putting your life on hold to support your SO until your SO *really* needs it. (See The Mercy Papers by Robin Romm for a first-person account of leaving her own grad program to be with her own dying mother, and the role of her SO.)

Edited April 30, 2010 by oldlady

[cesada]

First of all, I'm so sorry. This must be an incredibly tough situation.

I do not want to offend anyone, so as a warning, what follows is completely based on a personal experience that may or may not have any value to you. I am hesitant to give advice one way or another because this is going to be a really personal and important decision, and honestly neither option is a good one.

When I was a junior, I decided to study abroad even though one of my cousins would definitely die while I was gone. He did, at only twenty-five, a few days after I arrived in Britain. While my time there was wonderful in a lot of ways, knowing that I couldn't be there for my family - we all grew up very close, sometimes living in the same house - obviously had a huge negative impact on my ability to focus academically and to make new friends. Most of the time I just wanted to leave and comfort my family. I spent several hours a week on the phone and didn't make many friends. My family has since resented me for leaving at such a critical time, even the ones who initially told me to go.

My cousin was sick for a very long time, and my cousins and siblings had made a lot of sacrifices to help care for him and just be near him. It is hard to find a middle ground, be there when you need to be there, and still make sure that you are not throwing away important opportunities. Oldlady is right - a loved one being seriously ill can consume someone's life very easily. Oldlady's suggestion to wait until things turn critical (hopefully they won't) also has a lot of merit. Taking a leave of absence later might be better than postponing a year, depending on what doctors expect from the illness.

I hope you and your partner find peace in whatever feels right to you!

[Thefish]

I am in a similar situation. I am about to head off to my top choice in the fall, but my mom just got diagnosed with cancer a few weeks ago. I was planning on moving just about now to try and get a summer internship, but I want to be here for her during her treatment. It's crazy how fast things can change. I wish you the best of luck with your decision, and prayers for your loved one.

[oldlady]

I wish you the best of luck with your decision, and prayers for your loved one.

Right back at you -- be well.

[ExoticTeacup]

Edit: I just realized how long this was. I'm sorry about that. If you don't want the full narrative, just skip to the last paragraph.

So here is a new twist on this topic. I have a biopsy in two days, and I'm worried about possibly having to start grad school with cancer. Now before getting all sympathetic or anything, know that I have been having the same biopsies done twice a year since I was in high school because they keep detecting cells that are "potentially precancerous," so my semi-annual biopsy is pretty much just a part of my life, and it is usually no big deal. That said, this time I'm freaking out. Since the doctors have had a close eye on this for a long time, I know that if it comes back cancerous, it will be very early stage and shouldn't be hard to wipe out, but I'm nervous about the timing because I'm supposed to move in the beginning of June and start my graduate work mid-June. I've always lived in or right next to a big city, and my grad school is out in the middle of nowhere. I'm really starting to worry that if the results come back cancerous, I could be moving to a place without many good cancer treatment centers nearby (it's always good to have more than one so you can get good second and third opinions). I will only find out the biopsy results one or two weeks before I move, so I will pretty much already be at the point of no return in terms of my relocation.

I know the seemingly logical thing to do would be to just talk to the department and delay my start if the biopsy does come back with bad news, but that won't really be an option for me because I am losing my health insurance in June and am relying upon switching to the university's student health insurance at that time (that is one of the reasons I wanted to start early). Obviously if I end up with a cancer diagnosis, I can't be without health insurance, and I don't think I can start the university's insurance and immediately claim a medical leave of absence (that would allow me to have still coverage) if I haven't even been enrolled for a semester yet. Also, I would not be interested in putting my life on hold anyway. Even if I have cancer, I'm still going to grad school. Cancer is just a part of life in my family. Everybody seems to get it, and while it has sadly taken the lives of several family members, we are also a family of survivors.

Four years ago, I watched my mom beat stage 3 breast cancer into remission, and she almost never lost the pep in her step. She took two weeks to recover from surgery, and then she would just take one or two days off of work to lay on the sofa, ache, and throw up after her chemo treatment every two weeks, but the rest of the time, she lived her life like everybody else. Of course, she was more tired than usual, and she needed more sleep and down time than she normally did, but she did not put her life on hold. After recovering, she even refused [free!] reconstructive surgery to replace the breast that had been removed. Being a cancer survivor is a part of her identity now, and she likes having a constant reminder of her ability to survive more than she would like to have a matching set again; she basically redefined the concepts of self-esteem and beauty for me. As you can probably tell, I greatly admire my mother for the grace and strength that she showed in her battle with cancer, and if my biopsy comes back reporting some cancer cells, I plan to accept it as just one more challenge in my crazy life, buy a few outrageous wigs, and follow in my mother's footsteps (I couldn't ask for a better role model), refusing to let it end or control my life.

This has been the attitude I have maintained about this all along, and twice each year, when I go for another biopsy, I am relaxed knowing that I have what it takes to take on whatever might be thrown at me. Now I am scared, though, because I am trying to start a new life in grad school this summer. If I show up having just been diagnosed with cancer, will I be forced to take time off, and if so, will the school work with me to get me on their student health insurance plan? I really have absolutely no, zilch, zip, nada, zero interest in taking a medical leave of absence, especially before I even get started, but I know that if I am going through cancer treatments, I won't be able to put in the time that some of my peers will. During that first year, I know that my program will demand 110% of me, but if I'm going through chemo, I might only have 75% to give, and I might have to actually travel a significant distance every couple of weeks for treatments because the nearest major city is about 3 hours away. I am excited about my studies, and I want to work, no matter what else is going on in my life, but I am afraid that if I am diagnosed with cancer, I'll just be told to defer or postpone my start, which would leave me feeling bored and purposeless at a time when I would really need distractions and motivation, and would also leave me without health insurance to pay for treatments. So my question is, are grad programs generally willing to work with students who are temporarily unable to plow ahead at full speed due to medical reasons? I'm terrified that there will be an "all or nothing" mentality and that I would have to choose between taking off completely or accepting the same workload that any normal healthy grad student would have. I know that there is a very good chance that this biopsy will just come back saying "potentially precancerous, but no immediate threat" like it always does, and I won't have to deal with this in a couple weeks, but I'm also thinking about the future. If I've been "potentially precancerous" for five years now, there's probably a pretty good chance that it could become more serious some time in the next five years, so even if I don't end up having to deal with this now, I might later. If anybody has any stories about students who ran into serious medical problems during their studies but did not take a full leave of absence, please share.

[captiv8ed]

Exotic, I am so sorry you are going through this!

I guess if I were you I would see if it is something to worry about and then if it is, get in touch with your DGS, explain your situation, and ask what resources are available. Find out the insurance situation, find out if there is a support group, talk to an advisor and a counselor at your new school.

Best of luck to you!

[Infinite Monkeys]

So here is a new twist on this topic. I have a biopsy in two days, and I'm worried about possibly having to start grad school with cancer.

Actually... I'm in pretty much the same position. I'm already a two-time survivor (translation: a walking disaster area), and out of the blue, I've started having worse problems with my bones and joints, to the point that my orthopedic surgeon had a "what the hell is that?" moment in looking at a recent CT scan. I don't know what's going on, and all this got bad right after I accepted the best offer and I set up my housing situation. I too have to keep health insurance at all costs.

I'm worried about it, too, and my best suggestion is to contact your department AND your university's disabled student services if you get a diagnosis. It doesn't sound like there's any chance in your mind of not starting the program, so at that point, you may just need to start planning. Figure out what you're going to need to function to your department's expectations. Emphasize that you're dedicated to your program, that you're not going to roll over and give up, but at the same time, be willing to be realistic with them. If it comes to this point for me, I'd arrange to talk to the program coordinator in person, but I'm not that far away from Riverside.

In the meantime, if you need moral support or a place to vent, Planet Cancer usually works for me. It's focused on young adult patients, survivors, and friends/family, so it could be a good resource for you. And if you ever want to talk, just drop me a line. Good luck.

[Postbib Yeshuist]

Oh no I.M.! I hope this turns out to be just a bump on the road, not a detour.

[jessica_kansas]

Actually... I'm in pretty much the same position. I'm already a two-time survivor (translation: a walking disaster area), and out of the blue, I've started having worse problems with my bones and joints, to the point that my orthopedic surgeon had a "what the hell is that?" moment in looking at a recent CT scan. I don't know what's going on, and all this got bad right after I accepted the best offer and I set up my housing situation. I too have to keep health insurance at all costs.

I'm worried about it, too, and my best suggestion is to contact your department AND your university's disabled student services if you get a diagnosis. It doesn't sound like there's any chance in your mind of not starting the program, so at that point, you may just need to start planning. Figure out what you're going to need to function to your department's expectations. Emphasize that you're dedicated to your program, that you're not going to roll over and give up, but at the same time, be willing to be realistic with them. If it comes to this point for me, I'd arrange to talk to the program coordinator in person, but I'm not that far away from Riverside.

In the meantime, if you need moral support or a place to vent, Planet Cancer usually works for me. It's focused on young adult patients, survivors, and friends/family, so it could be a good resource for you. And if you ever want to talk, just drop me a line. Good luck.

HA! I'm on PC too! I just finished my third round of treatments and am facing possible lung mets (may name is Jess on the site if you want to try to find me). There really is no reason to turn back in my opinion. Life is difficult but you have to keep going - whether you're supporting your partner and their parents from long distance, or trying to maintain your own place in the graduate school. As far as the department is concerned, they will find out when they need to know. Right now it is uncertain - but all cancers are uncertain. My program also knew I had cancer before I got accepted but didn't know about my current treatments - and won't until they need to know!

Good luck to all making these tough decisions. Also, I'm open for chatting as well if you want to message me

[perrier]

So suprisingly, everything worked out and I was accepted to my my top choice school and was getting ready to go, apt search, make the move, etc. But, my long term partners parent was just diagnosed with cancer and I don't know what to do.

What would you do?? I am so ready to start but I don't want to pack up and leave my partner to deal with this alone. I haven't checked to see if I can defer, would this even be an appropriate reason to defer??

Ugh. I'm panicking. I was supposed to apt search and buy in a few weeks but now I don't want to do that without being 100% that I can/ should go :-\

Dear Suspechosa,

I am sorry to hear about your partner's situation. I understand how hard it would be to not be around your partner and the parents while they go through this difficult process. I admire your willingness to stick with them, it really shows your true character when those closest to you are in need. But I think once in a while, it's important to think for yourself too... Is this school far from where your partner and partner's parent live? Because if it is not, you can use breaks to visit, and that is a lot more than most people can ask for. You may not want to give up your life and career completely for this, because they may feel uneasy knowing you deferred this opportunity too. In other words, it is not a loss on both sides if you do choose to attend in the end. In fact, it is something for the sick to look forward to, a positive, external news that will uplift and distract -- so not all the attention is constantly being focused on them being sick all the time. Whatever happens or whatever you choose to do though, it will all turn out to be fine. Good luck to you on everything and best wishes.

[Infinite Monkeys]

Oh no I.M.! I hope this turns out to be just a bump on the road, not a detour.

Thank you. At this point, I'm treating it like a bump in the road; UCR doesn't start until mid-September, so I have time to identify and resolve. I'm still waiting on some tests.

HA! I'm on PC too! I just finished my third round of treatments and am facing possible lung mets (may name is Jess on the site if you want to try to find me). There really is no reason to turn back in my opinion. Life is difficult but you have to keep going - whether you're supporting your partner and their parents from long distance, or trying to maintain your own place in the graduate school.

What jessica_kansas said. Even in the most dismal times, just put your head down and plow forward. I don't know that any of us, whatever the circumstances are, can do anything else some days.

ExoticTeacup, how're you doing? How did it turn out, if I can ask? Suspechosa, how are you? Any updates?

(jessica_kansas, there are a crazy-lot of Jess people on PC. I think I've found you, so I left a comment.)

[ExoticTeacup]

An update, as requested:

Like every biopsy before it, this one came back with "questionable abnormal cells that appear to be non-cancerous," and the recommendation is to repeat in six months. Again, I freaked out stressing over nothing, and I guarantee you I'll do it again in a few months, only then I'll be doing it with a new set of doctors. For now, though, I have a clean bill of health, and I have more pressing things to worry about, such as only having two days to pack up my entire apartment (OMG WHY AM I ON A FORUM RIGHT NOW INSTEAD OF PACKING?!). Here's wishing good luck and good health to all!

[liszt85]

If anybody has any stories about students who ran into serious medical problems during their studies but did not take a full leave of absence, please share.

A guy in my lab had been down with some strange fever for about 2 months (the fever never left him). His parents came to visit him (from Asia). He hadn't told them and now they want him to go back home with them (he is fine now). Totally understandable. The guy has a history of heart issues and the like. Anyway, he decided to discontinue his studies totally and honor his parents' wishes. However, our adviser convinced him to defer (he had completed one quarter but I think he can still "defer") for a year and then make a decision whether or not to discontinue totally.