disclosing mental illness?

[Damien G]

My would-be academic career is a mess. After 4 years in a PhD program, I all but dropped out after failing to secure funding for my dissertation research. I've been on leave for over a year now, trying to decide what to do next. My adviser and others on the faculty have been supportive so far, but I know my actions are confusing to them, and I worry their patience with me is beginning to run out.

What they do not know is that I have bipolar disorder. It is hard to describe how big a part my illness has played in creating this mess; it horrifies me to look back at all the time I've lost and the terrible decisions I've made. Now I am under treatment and relatively stable; I want to pick up the pieces and go on, but I don't know how. There are practical obstacles - not least my lack of funding at the moment - but my mental health issues make the situation so much more complicated, it's tough to assess anything without factoring them in.

I have struggled to keep these problems secret. Now I wonder if that was a mistake. If only I could bring myself to tell my advisor, it might clear up the mystery surrounding my actions, and make it easier for me to get the support and advice I need. If it were any other life-altering illness, I would have disclosed it long ago, but bipolar disorder carries such stigma, I've been terrified to do so. Then again, I may not have much to lose. It's not like I've gained much from pretending things are all right, when they obviously are not.

The alternative may be to drop out and find something else to do with my life. But I don't think I want to do anything else with my life. I want to move forward, but I'm spinning my wheels. Any thoughts on what I should do?

[Alyanumbers]

What is your field? Some are more accepting of mental illness than others.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Good luck, and I hope you pull through.

My would-be academic career is a mess. After 4 years in a PhD program, I all but dropped out after failing to secure funding for my dissertation research. I've been on leave for over a year now, trying to decide what to do next. My adviser and others on the faculty have been supportive so far, but I know my actions are confusing to them, and I worry their patience with me is beginning to run out.

What they do not know is that I have bipolar disorder. It is hard to describe how big a part my illness has played in creating this mess; it horrifies me to look back at all the time I've lost and the terrible decisions I've made. Now I am under treatment and relatively stable; I want to pick up the pieces and go on, but I don't know how. There are practical obstacles - not least my lack of funding at the moment - but my mental health issues make the situation so much more complicated, it's tough to assess anything without factoring them in.

I have struggled to keep these problems secret. Now I wonder if that was a mistake. If only I could bring myself to tell my advisor, it might clear up the mystery surrounding my actions, and make it easier for me to get the support and advice I need. If it were any other life-altering illness, I would have disclosed it long ago, but bipolar disorder carries such stigma, I've been terrified to do so. Then again, I may not have much to lose. It's not like I've gained much from pretending things are all right, when they obviously are not.

The alternative may be to drop out and find something else to do with my life. But I don't think I want to do anything else with my life. I want to move forward, but I'm spinning my wheels. Any thoughts on what I should do?

[repatriate]

Damien, that sounds like a truly difficult and painful situation. You mentioned that you are in treatment. Does this mean that you are seeing a PhD psychologist? If so, you have the perfect resource to ask about this issue. As someone who both knows about getting a PhD and about mental illness, such a person can advise you both about the risks of talking to your program members and help you seek the support and accommodations you may need. An alternative to disclosing your actual condition is to seek accommodations through the disability support office at your school (with the help of your clinician). Such services generally cannot disclose your specific condition--only your need for accommodations. This won't change much in terms of general disability stigma or prevent your advisor and others from guessing about the nature of your disability, but it does provide you with a campus advocate-of-sorts, gives legal force to your requests for understanding, and allows you to avoid the specific stigma of bipolar disorder. I wish you the best in finishing your degree.

[DrFaustus666]

I agree 100% with repatriate.

I also know (sort-of) what you're going through, as one of my children (age 20) also has bipolar illness, as well as ADD and an eating disorder. The combination has made life very difficult for my bright and usually highly motivated child.

You definitely need an advocate and/or mentor who knows your situation. Also, it's risky, but depending on what kind of person your academic advisor is, how well you trust him/her, how empathic he/she is---you might consider confiding--or not.

Good luck and all best wishes!

John

[Strangefox]

The alternative may be to drop out and find something else to do with my life. But I don't think I want to do anything else with my life. I want to move forward, but I'm spinning my wheels. Any thoughts on what I should do?

I think you should move forward and I am sure that you can. If you want to continue with your studies, you need to do that. I agree with the above posters, their advice is very good.

I know that there are people with bipolar disorder who have accomplished a lot (Stephen Fry, for example). Read their stories and you'll see that it is possible, even though it can be quite difficult. Remember, the more difficulties you overcome, the stronger you become. Just don't let yourself stop trying! Because I am sure you can pull through.

I really do not understand why bipolar disorder carries such stigma... I think that's strange and unfair...

Good luck!

Edited December 18, 2010 by Strangefox