Long Distance Relationships

[WornOutGrad]

Part of what has made my Grad School experience so hard is the fact that I am now in a long distance relationship because of it. I moved away from home, leaving my wonderful girlfriend down there while she finishes her BA. The first month or two was bearable, but it seems like I miss her more and more every day, and I'm more and more in love with her every day. I guess absence does make the heart grow fonder!

I'm just curious what others experience in long distance relationships have been like.

[shepardn7]

Part of what has made my Grad School experience so hard is the fact that I am now in a long distance relationship because of it. I moved away from home, leaving my wonderful girlfriend down there while she finishes her BA. The first month or two was bearable, but it seems like I miss her more and more every day, and I'm more and more in love with her every day. I guess absence does make the heart grow fonder!

I'm just curious what others experience in long distance relationships have been like.

Long distance relationships seem to work best when there is an end in sight. I'd say preferably under five years. I was in one for a year. My boyfriend finished his BA while I completed my first year of grad school. Then he moved to live with me after graduating. Of course I missed him, but it was fine.

Something to consider is that "part of the problem" might actually be nearly all of the problem. Do you think you'd be exponentially happier if your girlfriend moved to live with you right now? If yes, then the LDR might be more than just a part of your problem; you might hate grad school less than you think.

I guess my advice is to just make a plan for your reunion if you can, and make sure you each set aside plenty of time for phone or Skype conversations and "dates." My boyfriend and I watched a couple movies and shows together over the phone, for example. You can also send each other care packages.

Edited December 17, 2010 by sarandipidy

[mudlark]

Long distance relationships are the worst! I did a year apart from my then-boyfriend now-husband, and it was awful. I also watched last year as every. single. long distance relationship involving someone in my cohort ended. Like, six or seven of them. I have no helpful advice, except for hang in there and try to end the distance as soon as possible!

[fuzzylogician]

I left behind my boyfriend when I moved to the States for grad school. The distance made it really hard for us -- time zone differences made it difficult to find times to talk, and we could only see each other once or twice a year, given flight costs and our schedules. We tried the LDR thing but gave up after about 6 months. For us, there was no end in sight, certainly not for the 5 years of my program and possibly more (he had just started a PhD program in another country and his advisor was really one of very few people who could advise him; none of the others were particularly near where I am now). I think it would have been very different if there was more hope. Although it was hard, to me, having a concrete plan to reunite would have made all the difference. Sorry I don't have better news, but I hope that in your case distances are shorter and the amount of time you have to spend away from your girlfriend are shorter too. Hang in there!

[Zouzax]

I agree with everyone that says you need to have an end date (meaning, a day when you'll finally be together for good) in sight. Even if there IS an end date, it's hard. I did an international LDR for 1 year & it was really, really difficult. Thankfully, we had the means to see each other 4 times during that year, but your whole life becomes waiting for that next time.

I'm happy to say that, after 4 years, we're still together, but it was a very, very rough ride. Now, he's in the military for 5 months, so we're doing the 'long distance' thing again, even though he's only an hour & a half away, we can't see each other, which maybe in a way makes it worse.

What's the key? Communication, communication, communication. See each other as often as possible. Write each other little notes. Text, yahoo messenger, skype. Video chat. After 4 years, I've become a veritable expert in communication techniques, international and domestic.

When you're away from each other, take advantage & take care of YOU: school work, gym, errands, etc. This way, when he/she comes, you can devote all of your time to each other.

Try not to make your life ALL about them, even though it's easier said than done. If you can succeed at having your own life, it won't be as difficult when they're away. Have your own friends. Join clubs. Get a part-time job, tutor, etc.

Make a real plan with each other for the future, so that you have something to look forward to. For example, something like: once you're both done with school, you'll move in together. It also keeps you together, because you have a common goal, and it won't seem so helpless when you're away from each other. If, at times, you feel like giving up, you can think of this date, and I promise it'll keep you going.

I know it's difficult, but you can pull through.

[StrangeLight]

when you're apart, have an open relationship.

just kidding.

not really kidding.

[prolixity]

when you're apart, have an open relationship.

^^This.

Kept me sane for the last semester.

[a fragrant plant]

Long distance relationships seem to work best when there is an end in sight.

I totally agree with what you said. It has to have an 'end date' to make LDR work.