Thinking about the future

[robot_hamster]

My situation is pretty complicated and I think a lot of my fellow students just don't understand. When I graduated from high school, I literally ran away with my boyfriend. We lived together for many years, struggling with our finances. He was trying to go to school, but it was difficult because he did not qualify for financial aid. His parents were trying to help him out, but his attendance was patchy (he would go for a semester, then skip a semester, etc). I didn't go to college during this time because I didn't qualify for financial aid either. I'm not sure what happened, but at some point he decided we shouldn't put off getting married anymore. We got married and suddenly I qualified for financial aid. I went to college as a non-traditional student and I never looked back. I graduated and then I decided to go to graduate school right away. To me, it feels like so much time has been wasted so why put off going to graduate school? I'm in a masters program right now, but husband has decided to complete his undergraduate degree. We are poor, we have no money, and we live in a crappy house. My husband is older than me and so he's been having thoughts about having a family. Me? I am no where near ready. I hear people talking about taking time off from school to work for awhile and get some experience in their field (I have spent my entire adult life working retail). Before I will be ready to move on to the "next step" of married life, I'm going to want to be finished with my education and already have a good job that's paying off all of our ridiculous debts. The problem is, I'm not sure if I want to stop at a Masters. I'm afraid though that if I work for awhile after getting my Masters, that I may end up never coming back to get a PhD. So it's like I'm on this fast track marathon to get my education finished all at once. I hear horror stories about people with a PhD and no work experience. At the same time, I realize that I'm not getting any younger and I probably don't want to be having a kid when I am 40. In case you're curious, I am 29 right now (my husband is 6 years older). Does anyone else here have a similar situation or concerns? Or am I just the extreme exception to the rule? I was hoping for some advice, but I'm sure not very many people will be in the same boat as me.

[Eigen]

First, I'll mention that there are probably a good many people in your position. It's not the most common, but it's not that unusual to start grad grad school in your late 20s.

Second, letting us know what field you're in would be a big help... It certainly changes the dynamics, especially the finances.

[robot_hamster]

I am under the natural resources umbrella, but I am interested in ecology and conservation. I may want to go into academia, but I'm not sure yet.

Edited January 10, 2011 by robot_hamster

[Eigen]

One thing that makes a big difference is how well funded the PhD programs are. Funding during masters programs is much harder to get!

I'd assume your fields should be decently funded for a PhD, which makes it more financially stable to pursue the degree.

As far as age goes, one of the 3rd years in our department is 31, and my wife is just starting her PhD in her late 20s.

Kids are definitely something to consider, but with a MS, you'll probably be able to do a shorter PhD program (hopefully), letting you finish by 35 or so. Having children in a Tenure Track position might not be the best, but it's certainly doable with spousal support.

My boss had his first child last fall- he was two years into a tenure track position, and his wife was just starting. He says they don't get a lot of sleep, but they're definitely doing ok.

[robot_hamster]

I'm not sure how well the funding for a PhD is, but I know that there are people who are receiving it. I started my first semester with no funding, but I have found a TA position for this next semester. I'm pretty sure they reserve the RA positions for the PhD students. So you think it would be better to just continue on to a PhD right away as long as there is funding? Or is it vital that I have some sort of real world job between my Masters and PhD? As far as kids go, I think my husband is nuts! Haha! I can barely get up and do all the things I need to do bad enough as it is. There is no doubt in my mind that I would be terribly unhappy if I wasn't well settled into a career first. This might sound bad, but if I was forced to choose, I would pick having a career over having kids.

Edited January 10, 2011 by robot_hamster

[qbtacoma]

I'm not sure how well the funding for a PhD is, but I know that there are people who are receiving it. I started my first semester with no funding, but I have found a TA position for this next semester. I'm pretty sure they reserve the RA positions for the PhD students. So you think it would be better to just continue on to a PhD right away as long as there is funding? Or is it vital that I have some sort of real world job between my Masters and PhD? As far as kids go, I think my husband is nuts! Haha! I can barely get up and do all the things I need to do bad enough as it is. There is no doubt in my mind that I would be terribly unhappy if I wasn't well settled into a career first. This might sound bad, but if I was forced to choose, I would pick having a career over having kids.

The last sentiment doesn't sound bad, it just sounds like you have different preferences than many other folks, which is fine. One thing to consider is whether the Ph.D is really, truly going to give you options outside of academia since you haven't decided on that path yet. Maybe considering kids would be easier if you made that decision first. Plus, the financial costs of children are quite high, so you may want to work outside academia just to build a nest egg/deal with your debt.

If having kids is really important to your husband he should be willing to step up and agree to be the primary caregiver. That means that he should commit to being the one who stays home from work when the kids are sick, the one who feeds the kids, the one who gets up in the night most of the time. If you eventually resent him/the kids for taking up so much of your time you feel sabotaged in your career, that's not good for anyone. If having kids matters so much to him then he should back it up, especially since it matters slightly less for you. I'm not saying your husband hasn't already offered to do this or that he wouldn't do it, but knowing that you won't always be the one solving the family's problems and taking care of things may make having children more doable for you.

Edited January 10, 2011 by qbtacoma

[Eigen]

If you want to be in academia, you can get all the "work experience" you need there. Outside of that, I'm not sure I can be that helpful.

But if you follow the normal PhD -> Several Post-Docs -> Faculty position line you don't need any outside work experience.

[robot_hamster]

The last sentiment doesn't sound bad, it just sounds like you have different preferences than many other folks, which is fine. One thing to consider is whether the Ph.D is really, truly going to give you options outside of academia since you haven't decided on that path yet. Maybe considering kids would be easier if you made that decision first. Plus, the financial costs of children are quite high, so you may want to work outside academia just to build a nest egg/deal with your debt.

If having kids is really important to your husband he should be willing to step up and agree to be the primary caregiver. That means that he should commit to being the one who stays home from work when the kids are sick, the one who feeds the kids, the one who gets up in the night most of the time. If you eventually resent him/the kids for taking up so much of your time you feel sabotaged in your career, that's not good for anyone. If having kids matters so much to him then he should back it up, especially since it matters slightly less for you. I'm not saying your husband hasn't already offered to do this or that he wouldn't do it, but knowing that you won't always be the one solving the family's problems and taking care of things may make having children more doable for you.

My thought is that he's going through a phase. He feels old and he doesn't like the idea of just getting started with a family when his is in his 40s. At the same time, he's still trying to get his undergraduate done and he knows that we are poor and that we have a lot of debt. So I do question how serious he is about the whole having a kid thing. I do know, however, that he has a track record for expecting me to go to school, work, and still cook and clean and whatnot on top of that. Well, you can probably guess what gets neglected because I just don't have time during the school months. We both have agreed that it wouldn't be wise to have kids until we can afford it though. Neither of my parents went to college and my dad had to work 2 jobs just to support us so my mom could stay home. His parents both had high paying careers, but he never saw either one of them because they worked so much. Neither one of us want to live like our parents did.

[robot_hamster]

If you want to be in academia, you can get all the "work experience" you need there. Outside of that, I'm not sure I can be that helpful.

But if you follow the normal PhD -> Several Post-Docs -> Faculty position line you don't need any outside work experience.

I should point out that in my program, a Masters degree gets applied toward a PhD. So it's not like I would be having to do "extra" work. I know some programs want you to do a straight up PhD and a Masters almost becomes a waste.