Complicated cohort issue...

[barnswallow86]

Hey everyone, long-time lurker but finally decided to post - because I have a bit of a complicated cohort/friends situation and could really use some advice =/

I'm a first-year grad student in an engineering department, and my long-time partner is at the same school for a different engineering subset. We belong to different departments. From August (when we moved to our new town) until about January, I seriously struggled with feeling out of place and "different" within my cohort (my class). Everyone in my cohort is nice and friendly enough, but I just feel out of place when I hang out with them. If we're all out eating dinner together, I have a politely pleasant time with them, but I'm really aware of filtering what I actually want to say/remark/talk about, because the group vibe is fairly straight-laced and subdued.

For example: one night we were having dinner at a casual place, and most of us ordered a drink. The topic of college came up, and I tried to get a really potentially fun conversation going about fun/slightly crazy college memories. Since I'm really conscious that it's hard to make real friends without being yourself, I put myself out there by telling about a really funny night I had during college. It was slightly crazy but nothing out of the norm, and I tried to get the ball rolling for other people to share some funny stories. I just got these looks with no response, which made me feel like I was really weird or something. Fail. That's just one example, and after a while it was really getting to me that I was so out of place in the group, and that I didn't feel like they were interested in me at all. Telling personal stories, suggesting going out to a bar, or just trying to be spontaneous/open didn't go over very well. I felt like either the one who was corrupting people (and believe me, I'm pretty tame) or who was just weird for being myself.

So around January, I happened to meet some of my partner's friends from his department. As soon as we hung out for the first time as a group...I had the most fun I've had in months!! All we did was hang out at someone's apartment and talk, but it was so awesome to feel like I could be myself and say what I wanted to say. They're really open and fun and irreverent, but super hard workers and great students at the same time - and I feel like I've gotten closer with them in weeks than I did with my cohort in months of serious struggling. They've already started counting me as one of their own, and they always ask about me if I am absent at a hangout or something. It feels awesome to feel so included.

So basically, I have absolutely no issue/problem with my old cohort, I just want to stay with my new group now...but I'm worried that they've noticed my drifting away and might be talking about it or thinking I don't like them or something, which is not the case at all. They're nice people, but I just know which group I'm going to be happy with. However, I've had a lot of anxiety lately over not wanting to offend anyone by not hanging out as much.

Any advice on how to handle this...would be extremely appreciated =)

[emmm]

At first I thought you were writing to ask about how to switch departments! Anyway, I think you should just be happy that you've found a group you feel comfortable with and can get support from. Continue to do polite events (on occasion) with your cohort, but if anyone comments about your absences, just say something about how it's the only way you're able to spend time with your partner (and I wouldn't be surprised if that were the truth!).

[Strangefox]

I think you should not be worried about hanging out more with your partner's group and less with your own. If your group thinks that you are weird or something (and I am sure you aren't!) they won't be too upset about your absense

You can hang out with them occasionally and even tell that you have some other group you are hanging out with - why not? It would be awkward if you tell them you need more time with your partner but then they will see you with another group. I think they may be more offended if you lie to them. Just be yourself, be nice and friendly with them when you are working on a project together. I think there is nothing wrong if people who work well together do not hang out together.

[emmm]

I read it as you were hanging out with your partner AND his group -- not just his group. So, I agree, it could be a bit awkward in that case. But I don't think you should worry so much about it either way -- as Strangefox said, if you're uncomfortable with your cohort, they probably aren't very comfortable with you, and won't mind that you spend less time with them.

[newms]

Cheers for being different! There's nothing wrong with being a little different from everybody else in your group. Keep hanging out with them as well (in addition to your partner's group), they're important for your academic success. I think they'll get used to you the more you hang out with them and the more that you 'be yourself' around them. Personally, they sound like a bunch of stiffs to me

Edited April 2, 2011 by newms

[Katzenmusik]

Oh man, I hear you! I have been known to tell the "crazy ice-breaker" story, only to be met with silence or a comment like: "Yeah...um...I don't think I could top that." But then if I DON'T tell those stories, I think I come across as an uninteresting person and boring conversationalist. A conundrum, to be sure.

I agree with you, that to REALLY get to know people you have to share some of the unvarnished parts of yourself, some honest opinions, some harmless but interesting gossip...anything to break the polite small talk decorum. It sounds like your cohort just isn't ready for that. But perhaps give it time. Maybe grad school will eventually break them down a bit.

[mandarin.orange]

The best I hope for from my cohort-to-be is that they will be friendly, cordial, professional and not abrasively competitive. At least, that is going to be my approach. If I meet a few kindred spirits in the process, then I consider that a bonus.

If your cohort takes issue with this approach - friendly, cordial, etc. but keeping personal time as personal time...well, then that is their issue...and a huge waste of energy on their part.

Just be glad they are somewhat amicable. I coincided with a nasty group of more recent PhD students at the end of my M.S. I felt they resented me for actually putting in at least 40 hours a week, being visible and productive in the lab, and getting along with our advisor. I didn't want to be included in their group house, potluck nights, and secret handshake (I am not kidding).

[StrangeLight]

i don't see the problem. it sounds like you've met people that you like. so hang out with them and have fun.

your own cohort will stop inviting you to things if you always say no to them, but that doesn't seem to be the problem. you just haven't bonded with them as well as your SO's cohort. so fine. don't worry about it. this isn't high school, you don't need to worry about which cliques you're in. just be friendly and cordial with everyone, and hang out with whoever you want to hang out with. it's actually a good thing to have friendships outside of your department so you can get out of work-mode when you need to.

[Eigen]

I hang out with my cohort and my SOs cohort both- they each offer different things. I also have friends who are grad students in departments not related to either of us.

There's no need to explain, you have two groups of colleagues who give you different experiences- you go out with some one time, and some another time.

There's no need to restrict yourself to only hanging out with your cohort.