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Huge Dilemma just received funding offer at top choice, but already accepted earlier offer


balgor

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I was accepted at my top choice "School A" back in late March, however my intended adviser was waiting on a grant application before he could offer me funding. Meanwhile I was accepted at several other schools and wait listed at a couple of schools. "School C" my backup graciously extended my response deadline to May 2nd, while I waited on "School A". However, in the meantime while waiting for "School A", on April 22nd "School B" one of the schools that had wait listed me offered me admission with a fellowship with a response deadline of May 6th. I immediately turned down "School C", since "School B" was a significantly higher ranked program. I waited until May 6th and still had not heard back from "School A" on funding and trust me I emailed them ever 2-3 days. I requested an extension from "School B", they could extend the admission response deadline, but I would lose the fellowship. So, at 4:30PM on May 6th I accepted "School B"'s offer, since funding at "School A" was not guaranteed. So, long story short "School A" emailed me yesterday with an extremely generous funding package. So, now I'm torn about what to do. "School B"'s Ph.D. program is relatively small with entering class sizes of 2-3 students, so I'm pretty sure I was "School B"'s last admit and that they've most likely killed off what was left of their wait list by now, so if I turn them down 33%-50% of their entering class will vanish since they will most likely not be able to find a replacement. I'm guessing they will not be happy if I back out now. However, for reasons that I will list below I would greatly prefer attending "School A".

School A's Pros:

  • Top Ten in my Field (So is B though)
  • Located in same city that I currently reside in (I own a house and have a wife, no kids though)
  • More $ RA
  • Faculty match with research interests better than School B
  • Future Adviser seems awesome (I met him for lunch) and talked with him on the phone a few times but then again you never know he was recruiting me and I've1st hand experience about how things change once you signed on with an employer.
  • Toured department met professors and other graduate students and was very impressed.
    School A's Cons:
    • Have to break commitment to School B another top school in my field (It'll make future conferences awkward and maybe hurt me when I'm on the market)
    • UC in California, which is just hammering the UC's budgets, so School A may have trouble recruiting/retaining faculty in the short term and funding research/travel.
      School B's Pros:
      • Top Ten in my Field (maybe ranked even slightly higher than A)
      • Cost of Living lower than my current city (makes up for the extra $ at A)
      • $ in form of a Fellowship with no RA or TA duties.
      • Wealthy Private University so I don't have to worry about the state budget cuts impacting my funding or faculty retention/hiring.
      • Smaller more intimate Ph.D. program than A (2X as many faculty as students), so lots of individual attention and finding RA for extra experience/$ should be extremely easy.
      • Research Interests mesh well with faculty.
      • I'm from the east coast originally, so I'd be moving a lot closer to my family.

    School B's Cons:

    [*]I have to sell/rent my house and move myself and wife across the country.[*]Wife would have to try to find a new job in terrible economy, so I could be potentially separated from my wife for an indefinite period of time until she finds a job in the new city. No, she can't just quit her job and move, not with our mortgage and not with the job market this terrible.[*]Wasn't really recruited, admission/fellowship offer just showed up out of the blue, haven't actually visited school or met anyone face to face, didn't have time and too far away.[*]Research Interests mesh well with faculty, but not quite as well as at A.

    Has anyone been through a situation like this one? The important piece of information would be how would "School B" react if I back out? The April, 15 CGS resolution wouldn't really apply since both offers were received after that deadline.

    So, this is my dilemma in a nutshell. My head tells me to suck it up and just go to "School B" its an excellent school and I've already committed to them. My heart tells me to go to "School A" which seems like a prefect match for my research interests. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Edited by balgor
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Tell school B that you cannot attend due to unforeseen circumstances concerning your wife. (Say this in an email.)

Go to school A - its worth it. They actually care about you, you actually care about them, and its one of the best schools in the world (I think I know which one it is).

What field are you in? Would you feel comfortable naming at least one of the schools?

Edited by mechengr2000
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Ok so I don't have any sound advice to offer, however I was grappling with the issue for a while too, but only hypothetically because I accepted an offer from my backup long ago but I'm still waiting to see if I'll get an offer from my dream school off the waitlist. There's no funding involved here and I'm going for more of a professional degree, but it's still the same issue. "What if I get in and how will school b react?" At this point for me though, I don't think it's going to happen because the school's deadline for letting us know is May 21st...2 days away and I believe someone posted here a few weeks ago about getting an offer so they've probably finished up making offers. Now that I'm in the throws of apartment hunting, I'm relocating across country, I haven't been really thinking about the dream school, it's lost a little of it's luster for me now that I have major logistical plans to make and don't have the energy to obsess over it anymore. Although both schools are in the same area. The scariest thing for me was the financial aid, I'm dependent upon those loans, I've had them already secured for a while, what if I back out of the backup and then something gets screwed up and they don't come through at the other school? However, should I get a surprise offer, like you, my head would tell me that the most practical and safe choice would be to stick it out at school B, but my heart would be tugging me in the direction of a top school in my field and my fear is that I'll regret not making the switch. But really, what would that phone call be like? Where you have to explain that you're not going anymore. I mean I'm sure that people end up having to make some tough decisions that might alter their plans drastically and just can't attend grad school even after accepting an offer. Life happens like that. Since you're getting funding and not dependent on loans I feel like you should make that unpleasant and awkward phone call that will last a few minutes rather than regretting and sticking it out for 4 or 5 years. I'm not sure what kind of consequences there could be, other than awkwardness at future conferences. Would you tell them specifically why you can't attend? Or something more vague like "I've had a drastic change of plans and can no longer attend." Maybe if you kept it to "personal reasons" they wouldn't pry too much...not sure. Or maybe it would be better if you just laid it out there and tell them that you have to do what's best for you and your wife and that's that.

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But really, what would that phone call be like? Where you have to explain that you're not going anymore....Would you tell them specifically why you can't attend? Or something more vague like "I've had a drastic change of plans and can no longer attend." Maybe if you kept it to "personal reasons" they wouldn't pry too much...not sure. Or maybe it would be better if you just laid it out there and tell them that you have to do what's best for you and your wife and that's that.

I think your future is more important than the way a 1 minute phone call will feel! Think of how good you will feel for the rest of your life knowing you had the courage to act on your feelings and do what was best for you! If you are afraid of the phone call, just type a 2-line email so its even easier. Do what is best for you!

In the case of the original poster, he has NOTHING to lose, and EVERYTHING to gain from doing this! Good luck my friend!!!

Edited by mechengr2000
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If it were just you, I think my advice would be to stick with the offer you've accepted, but once you factor your wife into the equation, it becomes an entirely different situation. What does she want? How hard would it be to sell/rent your home? Is your wife in a field where there are job offers for the city School B is in? Obviously, if you're going to back out of School B's offer, you should do it sooner rather than later, so I wouldn't start a long job search and wait to see what comes of that. However, if the prospects for your wife finding a new job and selling your house are low and she really wants you to stay where you are, I think I'd tell School B that for personal reasons you can't relocate. Your wife probably won't mind being cited as the reason for you backing out :) As for your concerns about School B not being able to fill its cohort, I wouldn't worry about that. If they don't have people on the waitlist to fill it for this year, they will just accept an extra person next year. You've listed some of the reasons why you like each school. I think that's good, and I would make more of those lists. Fellowships are pretty nice. Does the advantage of a fellowship over RA/TA swing things in School B's favor? Does the security of funding at a private school outweigh the volatile situation in California, though the flagship school with all the prestige and especially the sciences (both of which sound like they describe you) won't feel cuts basically until something very drastic happens? It sounds like you've already decided about those types of questions, and it sounds like your decision is to stay in California. If that's the case, email School B and tell them things have come up and you can't make it. Cite personal reasons and perhaps your wife's situation. That will ease future awkwardness. Things come up and schools know that. Best of luck to you and congratualations on being in a position where you have to make this difficult decision!

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You should read "The Giving Tree." It's a story by Shel Silverstein about a tree who gives and gives of itself and is used and used by a boy.

About once every three years, I run into a story in the news about how a university "accidentally" sent acceptance letters to undergrads who had actually been rejected. Some of those students, nearly hysterical, explain that they've already withdrawn applications from other universities or turned down offers of admission from those universities. The comment from the university? Invariably is something like, "We genuinely understand their frustration, but our hands are tied." Translation: "Look, basic decency dictates that we eat this mistake. It was our fault, and we're going to make room for these kids. But, hey, what are they gonna do? Sue us? If they had any clout, they'd have been accepted via the Good Old Boy Network. Let 'em go to community college."

The notion that any of these places cares, one way or the other, about you personally, is risible. They don't care if you live or die, are thrilled or miserable. If you don't show up on Sept. 1 (or whenever) do you think the university will spontaneously combust? Of course not. It'll be a "hmm" and a few clicks of a mouse and some notes in a file and then the department will re-apportion the money they would have given you or re-notify the wait list applicants.

They'll say every flattering thing they can to get you to sign the loan paperwork, and after that, it's basically, "Look, we aren't here for you. The professors have research they need to do. Get back to your slave-wage teaching assignments, you."

Send them a letter explaining that your initial decision was predicated on certain factors beyond your control (e.g., the economy hasn't recovered sufficiently). Let them know that you accept that withdrawing at this late date, and after accepting, is enormously inconvenient, and then throw in a phrase like, "However, I feel now that were I to carry through with attendance at your university, the stress it would introduce into my life would poison the quality of my work."

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I just got in off the waitlist at my dream school this morning. After the shock wore off enough for me to do what I had to in order to extract myself from the other school, I quickly and with almost no hesitation sent 2 "due to unforeseen circumstances...." emails, one to the program coordinator and the other to the financial aid office. About 2 hours later both of them responded with basically "We're sorry you can't attend, best of luck." So it was quick and painless...thank god I hadn't yet sent a deposit. Just like that I was done with the other school and in at my dream one. I haven't been this happy in a long time, it was a great way to start the day.

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I would like to echo the sentiments of those who are encouraging you to send off a short email to school B stating vaguely that your situation has changed, and to accept at school A. The pain or awkwardness, if there is any, will be brief, and then you'll be happy for the rest of your life knowing that you picked the school you love.

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How regrettable for Mal83 that the world will be ending today, even though it's already tomorrow in New Zealand. (Personally, I knew the world wasn't ending. I still have student loans to pay.)

We're all still here...aren't we? Yes I do believe so.

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