Would you consider leaving your spouse behind?

[nehs]

This is such an important topic in this day and age where both the man and the wife/gf arejuggling his/her own grad program with personal life.

I personally would NEVER NEVER want to leave my spouse behind and go away. Same way, I hope he will never leave me behind too. Just recently. my husband told me he is interested in applying to a program outside our country. well, I did not discourage him,because I know he really wanted it. May be at this point, the program is more important to him that the marriage . That's how it is. Thankfully, it is a one-year program and I don't need to be away for years.

[Eigen]

This is such an important topic in this day and age where both the man and the wife/gf arejuggling his/her own grad program with personal life.

I personally would NEVER NEVER want to leave my spouse behind and go away. Same way, I hope he will never leave me behind too. Just recently. my husband told me he is interested in applying to a program outside our country. well, I did not discourage him,because I know he really wanted it. May be at this point, the program is more important to him that the marriage . That's how it is. Thankfully, it is a one-year program and I don't need to be away for years.

Applying for a program in another country doesn't mean he feels the program is more important to him than the marriage- it's just a one-year program, not a divorce!

I know lots of people have strong aversions to this, but I think (as was mentioned above) some degree of separation is common in most academic couples. It doesn't mean the relationship is weak, or unimportant- and in fact, some separation can make the relationship much stronger on the other side of it. The most I've had to do (yet) is a few weeks to a month away from my wife, but I know we'll be separating for several years at some point in the future- whether it's during my post-doc, her post-doc, or at the beginning of the job hunt for one or the other of us.

If I looked at it as a sign of a lack of commitment or a weak relationship that we would do/would have to do this, then we probably wouldn't both be able to pursue academic careers- the job prospects just aren't there.

[nehs]

Applying for a program in another country doesn't mean he feels the program is more important to him than the marriage- it's just a one-year program, not a divorce!

I know lots of people have strong aversions to this, but I think (as was mentioned above) some degree of separation is common in most academic couples. It doesn't mean the relationship is weak, or unimportant- and in fact, some separation can make the relationship much stronger on the other side of it. The most I've had to do (yet) is a few weeks to a month away from my wife, but I know we'll be separating for several years at some point in the future- whether it's during my post-doc, her post-doc, or at the beginning of the job hunt for one or the other of us.

If I looked at it as a sign of a lack of commitment or a weak relationship that we would do/would have to do this, then we probably wouldn't both be able to pursue academic careers- the job prospects just aren't there.

wow, that is a great post! i must say, it gave me a burst of positive energy , i was not really stressed over this but i was wondering about the truth/honesty in our marriage. thankfully, it is a year! after that, i"ll search for jobs in his area or he could come back home.

oh and neither of us is into a PhD program, i am pursuing an M.S and the husband would(if he decides to start) be going through a master's program. neither of us plan academic careers as of now.

[garibaldi]

Interesting use of words by everyone in this thread...they have a way of giving away our biases and values.

For me personally, I dont quite get how you could ever "leave" your spouse behind. You could "leave" a pet behind, but a spouse?? To clarify what I mean: there are two sides to this coin. You cannot "leave' a spouse behind, unless she/he actively decides to not follow you to your new destination. Therefore, you could just as easily say "my spouse chose not to join me"

I agree what some people have already mentioned here - living physically apart, does not mean separation. Esp not in this day and age with so many gadgets to help bridge the distance gap. I think it'll tough to sustain a newly formed relationship, but if you've built a solid foundation, then its definitely possible. Now ofcourse, if you want to have children in the next 2-3 years... thats a whole different issue... and thats where I see the real challenge.

[ktel]

For me personally, I dont quite get how you could ever "leave" your spouse behind. You could "leave" a pet behind, but a spouse?? To clarify what I mean: there are two sides to this coin. You cannot "leave' a spouse behind, unless she/he actively decides to not follow you to your new destination. Therefore, you could just as easily say "my spouse chose not to join me"

I think this is so well said. There are two people in this relationship with choices to make. Given that the husband still has almost his whole degree left, as opposed to 1 or 2 years, it makes more sense to me that he should just move. But obviously things are more complicated than that.

[UnlikelyGrad]

I've been staying out of this topic because it hits a sore spot for me, but I really ought to put in my 2 cents.

From a broad perspective, I guess you could say that I "left my spouse behind" and it killed my marriage. But it's not quite so simple as that.

(1) Our marriage was on the rocks anyway. Every time I went out of my way to make my ex happy, he used that as leverage to take even more advantage of me. It was a completely unequal partnership.

(2) "Leaving him behind" was not a voluntary decision. He promised me he would move when I did, then "soon,"...when he had no intention of doing either. (He did admit this to me later, after I filed for divorce.) And then he kept lying about when he would move (and other things). And then he told me that it was my fault that we were living apart...

So, my ex would probably say that my going to grad school, and living apart, destroyed our marriage. But that isn't true. It was his lying that destroyed the marriage.

I know it is possible for a marriage to thrive when people are living apart. My parents did it for a year and a half, and their relationship got better. My sister and her husband did it for a year or so early in their marriage, and they turned out just fine.

I think the key thing is that both parties have to consent to the separation. And yes, it is a separation, albeit not from a legal perspective. I will tell you, from personal experience, that no matter how much you talk/skype/email/chat, it is not the same as being in person. I flew home almost every weekend (3x a month, usually) and it still was a pretty sad excuse for a marriage. Of course, after he moved out here and we were living together full time it wasn't really any better, so it could have just been our marriage falling apart...