A Drinking Culture

[anachronistic]

Will it be difficult to become part of my grad school's social life if I'm a teetotaler? I've noticed that many students in my program are interested in drinking- men in particular. I feel uncomfortable around excessive drinking- it definitely has negative connotations for me. I've never been around people who drink more than one or two glasses of wine at a time. My alma mater was essentially a dry campus! Will I be able to find people who don't drink or will those that do accept me? Does anyone have similar experiences?

To be truthful, as an undergrad I intentionally isolated myself- but I've chosen to remedy the situation now, especially since the general culture at my new school will be drastically different. My goal is to have a good social experience, but I will never compromise my beliefs (haha, it's not for religious reasons). I'm very nervous about going to a bar (I've never been), but I'll go if it's a good opportunity for networking. I'll take any advice!

Thanks in advance

Edited August 15, 2011 by anachronistic

[runonsentence]

I was somewhat similar in high school and part of undergrad: I had made a decision not to drink, and I wasn't really around those who did. I eventually found it less uncomfortable/nerve-wracking to be around those who drank once I stopped working it up in my head—I found that isolating myself from people who drank all that time meant that I had blown the idea of seeing someone drunk far out of proportion in my head—and once I stopped making moral judgements on those around me who were drinking.

(I'm not saying that you are necessarily blowing it out of proportion in your head or passing moral judgements on those who drink, but if you are, I found it helpful to work past these things.)

At any rate, I am now a drinker but have friends who don't drink for various reasons: some for religious reasons, some to meet short-term health goals, some because they're broke. I still manage to socialize with them in other ways (one is a fellow burger aficionado). But while I consider myself someone who's perfectly capable of having a good time without a beer in hand, I do have to admit that I don't get to see them as often because they're not always there when we do group nights out at the bar to blow off some mid-term stress.

[HyacinthMacaw]

Hey there! From one (male) teetotaler to another, I should disclose first that like you I haven't frequented many bars. In fact, I've only entered a bar when I risked social sanctions if I didn't go. For example, twice during recruitment weekend I went to bar because I would have come off as asocial if I didn't accompany my hosts. That said, no one cared that I didn't drink, even though I was nervous that they would. They didn't coerce me into anything. And this is in a Midwestern town where beer flows like water. So I think our self-consciousness is unfounded (generally, it usually is). I don't believe people really judge us for choosing not to drink. And even if they do, so what? As human beings, we are worth way more than that, and we should know it, and maybe we should even be proud of it, of who we are. A judgment is just a judgment, justified or not, and a self-critical thought is just a thought.

I do believe that one should take advantage of opportunities to build relationships. Choosing not to drink does not render anyone asocial, but not attending important social functions (e.g., celebrations after defending someone's dissertation) may. So even though I don't drink, I have made it a goal to reach out to people, and I think it's great that you seem to have the same resolve. The more social support we have during grad school, the more we buffer ourselves from all kinds of trouble. And when we are around people who treat us kindly and enjoy our company, we in turn feel better about ourselves, and we become happier and more productive.

All the best!

[ktel]

I'm a rugby player, and there is a huge drinking culture in the sport. That being said, nobody ever pressures a non-drinker to drink. I do drink, but don't like to do it nearly as often as most people, so I will just go out with them to the bar and be sober. Sometimes being the sober person around a bunch of drunks is annoying, but most of the time I still have a lot of fun.

[long_time_lurker]

1. There's no reason you have to socialize with these people if you don't want to. Do what you need to do at school, and go home. You're there to earn a degree, not socialize.

2. If you want to socialize, and they're going to a bar, you can go and get club soda. A lot of people who go dry (whether on their own or being in AA) will still go to bars and have club soda. It's a way to hang out in a bar and no one will give you a hard time, and you won't have to go into a song and dance about why you don't drink. Just make sure to tip your bartender.

3. Bars are good networking places (even if you go without your cohort) but so are churches, social clubs, etc. The good thing about bars is that they don't require a commitment.

[Behavioral]

I have a few friends that always go to bars with us and never drink alcohol. Still a great way to hang out if the bar 'scene' is your thing.

[kaykaykay]

in grad school people are mature so there is no peer pressure to drink . what is more you can be the designated driver.

[rising_star]

I have several friends in grad school that go to the bar and don't drink. They get Shirley Temples, club soda, juice, water, etc. I'll often have just 2 drinks in a night out. It's really not about getting hammered all the time.

[starmaker]

People just don't care that much whether you are drinking. You can still hang out with them. You don't need to explain yourself if you get a soda or something instead of an alcoholic drink. They're only going to care if you are obviously passing moral judgment on them because they drink.

There's no reason that you can't attend the same social functions as everyone else. And bars really aren't that scary.

[Eigen]

It depends what you mean by teetotaler... I couldn't exactly tell from your original post.

If you meant you don't want to hang around other people who are drinking, or have moral issues with them doing so, then you might have difficulty.

Otherwise, not drinking/drinking very little shouldn't be a problem. Most of my cohort drinks, a lot, and I drink very little, if at all. Most of the time, they're more than happy to have someone there sober and reasonable, and I've never had any pressure to drink at all. And this is in New Orleans, with a huge and pervasive drinking culture.

[Agradatudent]

In my undergrad, certain grad students in different programs (in science) were similar to undergrads as in, they thrived on drinking. In the sciences, every major meeting I've been to has served alcohol. Might not be your thing.

[Eigen]

Yeah, our departmental seminars serve alcohol, and our departmental BBQs/holiday parties serve it as well.

[Phil Sparrow]

will those that do accept me?

Nobody will care if you make sure not to act all judgey or superior about it. So long as you don't alienate your colleagues with moralizing judgments (and this can mean verbal judgments as well as eyerolls or heavy sighs or other nonverbal cues that smack of moral judgment) most people will be cool with whatever you choose to do or not do. Just do your own thing! The coolest kids do whatever works for them.

Though, I'd warn you that, in the humanities at least, grad students (and academics more generally) are notorious boozers. Doesn't mean you have to join them, however!

Edited August 16, 2011 by Phil Sparrow

[anachronistic]

1. There's no reason you have to socialize with these people if you don't want to. Do what you need to do at school, and go home. You're there to earn a degree, not socialize.

2. If you want to socialize, and they're going to a bar, you can go and get club soda. A lot of people who go dry (whether on their own or being in AA) will still go to bars and have club soda. It's a way to hang out in a bar and no one will give you a hard time, and you won't have to go into a song and dance about why you don't drink. Just make sure to tip your bartender.

3. Bars are good networking places (even if you go without your cohort) but so are churches, social clubs, etc. The good thing about bars is that they don't require a commitment.

Thanks, I will consider this. No one will care if I order soda every time-right? I will need to socialize occasionally, since I don't know very many people in the area. Hmm, I guess it sounds less intimidating now.

[anachronistic]

It depends what you mean by teetotaler... I couldn't exactly tell from your original post.

If you meant you don't want to hang around other people who are drinking, or have moral issues with them doing so, then you might have difficulty.

Otherwise, not drinking/drinking very little shouldn't be a problem. Most of my cohort drinks, a lot, and I drink very little, if at all. Most of the time, they're more than happy to have someone there sober and reasonable, and I've never had any pressure to drink at all. And this is in New Orleans, with a huge and pervasive drinking culture.

I just don't drink at all. I've never been around people who drink a lot, but I tend to assume that drunk people wouldn't be very much fun. I've been around light drinkers plenty of times.

[anachronistic]

Hey there! From one (male) teetotaler to another, I should disclose first that like you I haven't frequented many bars. In fact, I've only entered a bar when I risked social sanctions if I didn't go. For example, twice during recruitment weekend I went to bar because I would have come off as asocial if I didn't accompany my hosts. That said, no one cared that I didn't drink, even though I was nervous that they would. They didn't coerce me into anything. And this is in a Midwestern town where beer flows like water. So I think our self-consciousness is unfounded (generally, it usually is). I don't believe people really judge us for choosing not to drink. And even if they do, so what? As human beings, we are worth way more than that, and we should know it, and maybe we should even be proud of it, of who we are. A judgment is just a judgment, justified or not, and a self-critical thought is just a thought.

I do believe that one should take advantage of opportunities to build relationships. Choosing not to drink does not render anyone asocial, but not attending important social functions (e.g., celebrations after defending someone's dissertation) may. So even though I don't drink, I have made it a goal to reach out to people, and I think it's great that you seem to have the same resolve. The more social support we have during grad school, the more we buffer ourselves from all kinds of trouble. And when we are around people who treat us kindly and enjoy our company, we in turn feel better about ourselves, and we become happier and more productive.

All the best!

Thanks for the post- and the kind words, it makes me feel better. I just want to be participate in grad culture socially without feeling alienated. Perhaps I won't even have to tell anyone? I'm not a super social person, but I'm definitely not aiming to present myself as asocial or unfriendly. I'm actually female- but I always enjoyed having male friends as well. I might make infrequent visits to bars- if my fellow students hang out in them. As long as they're also up for a few quiet chats in the downstairs library.

[prolixity]

I just don't drink at all. I've never been around people who drink a lot, but I tend to assume that drunk people wouldn't be very much fun. I've been around light drinkers plenty of times.

Get out there and live a little. Drunk people are among the most fun types of people.

[long_time_lurker]

Thanks, I will consider this. No one will care if I order soda every time-right?

Not at all, as long as you tip. That's the big issue, really whether you order alcohol or not. The bartender may at first look at you askance because there are people who order water or soda just to be cheap. If you tip your $1 a drink then all is well. In fact if you become a regular the barkeep probably will not make you pay for the soda (it costs almost nothing).

[Eigen]

Every time I go out and don't drink, the bartenders almost never charge me for water/soda... The rest of the party is buying plenty, and most are pretty nice about the odd one out that isn't drinking.

[runonsentence]

Thanks for the post- and the kind words, it makes me feel better. I just want to be participate in grad culture socially without feeling alienated. Perhaps I won't even have to tell anyone? I'm not a super social person, but I'm definitely not aiming to present myself as asocial or unfriendly. I'm actually female- but I always enjoyed having male friends as well. I might make infrequent visits to bars- if my fellow students hang out in them. As long as they're also up for a few quiet chats in the downstairs library.

I don't think you should avoid saying anything about not drinking—stepping around it would probably make it more awkward. A simple, confident, "I don't drink, but I'd love to hang out with all of you at happy hour" would never come off as strange.

[dimanche0829]

Just remember that you're hanging out together to talk shop, not to get wasted. In my experience of hanging out with the grad school crowd (I don't drink either), the students were mature enough to respect my choice of soda over alcohol (usually I'd treat myself to some grenadine syrup for some added flavor). It's easy to build up the worst-case scenario in your mind, but I think you'll find that the experience will be easy-breezy and drama free. Hope this helps!

Edited August 17, 2011 by dimanche0829

[ktel]

I just don't drink at all. I've never been around people who drink a lot, but I tend to assume that drunk people wouldn't be very much fun. I've been around light drinkers plenty of times.

It depends on the person. Some people are very fun drunks, others are very annoying. It's the same with sober people though, you never will like being around everybody.

[Agradatudent]

Not at all, as long as you tip. That's the big issue, really whether you order alcohol or not. The bartender may at first look at you askance because there are people who order water or soda just to be cheap. If you tip your $1 a drink then all is well. In fact if you become a regular the barkeep probably will not make you pay for the soda (it costs almost nothing).

In NY, tipping is a much bigger deal than elsewhere. I personally do not tip if they're giving me a water (or a drink). I'm tipping them to pour something into a cup. That's ridiculous. I don't care what agreement they signed up for wage wise. I didn't force them to and I'm not going to tip them because the bar decided to give them a bad deal.

Maybe because I'm a guy I want to tip even less. Half the time, I'll be waiting 5 or more minutes in a crowded bar for my first drink because girls are served first, even if they just showed up. I'm not going to tip someone who doesn't respect me enough to take me in turn.

I'm sour about it. I don't have enough money to give to charity let alone a bar tender. I don't get tips for getting good grades or coding well.

[starmaker]

I just don't drink at all. I've never been around people who drink a lot, but I tend to assume that drunk people wouldn't be very much fun.

You'd be surprised. I say that as the person who's nearly always the sober person in the room. Some drunk people are not fun, but many are hilarious. You can have a lot of fun playing "straight man" to a bunch of drunk people. Or at least I can.

[ktel]

In NY, tipping is a much bigger deal than elsewhere. I personally do not tip if they're giving me a water (or a drink). I'm tipping them to pour something into a cup. That's ridiculous. I don't care what agreement they signed up for wage wise. I didn't force them to and I'm not going to tip them because the bar decided to give them a bad deal.

Maybe because I'm a guy I want to tip even less. Half the time, I'll be waiting 5 or more minutes in a crowded bar for my first drink because girls are served first, even if they just showed up. I'm not going to tip someone who doesn't respect me enough to take me in turn.

I'm sour about it. I don't have enough money to give to charity let alone a bar tender. I don't get tips for getting good grades or coding well.

Looks like you pissed off a bartender...

A lot of bartenders at the major bars/clubs in my city act incredibly entitled and do not provide good service. As a result they don't deserve a tip. If it takes me a really long time to get a drink (unnecessarily long), the tip is gone. If the bartender has attitude, the tip is gone. Getting a tip is not a given. It needs to be somewhat earned.